How to embrace my cross?

[Kaizmom]

Let me start off with a little background. My husband and I were married in 2008. He had 4 kids from previous, annullled marriage. The two oldest are now adults and gone, one of them lived with us for 3 years before leaving on bad terms. He is still on bad terms with the family as he and his older sister are praying for my marriage to their father to fail. The two other children are now 14 and 16. Due to issues from their mother, they are very deceitful, lazy, will lie to your face without caring and underlying all of this, have little to no regards for the family. They are both very selfish.
In the beginning, we tried very hard to correct these behaviors, however, over time they have gotten worse and it has gotten to the point where I have nothing positive to say to them. Everything is a task to do or a correction (discipline). I do not like this, it does not make for a happy home.
I understand now that these 2 kids are my cross and I would like some suggestions for how I can accept this cross instead of fighting it so much. I would prefer to be out of the house, at work or with our 17 month old son then even see either of these two kids. I know that I am supposed to be a mother figure to these kids but they make it impossible for me to even tolerate them most times! My husband tries to help and even admitted last week that if he was in my shoes he would have thrown in the towel already and would have nothing to do with them. God brought them into my life for a reason, can anyone make some suggestions on how I can learn to handle them better?
Thank you and God bless!

 

[SonCatcher]

Pray for them all.

I realize this isn’t “practical” advice. However, it probably is the single greatest thing you can do.

The only thing I can think of that might help in a practical sense is to frame your requests of them as favors. Then praise them to their father in their presence when they cooperate.

 

[EasterJoy]

You might want to look at it this way: At the ages of 14 and 16, there are not a few parents who wonder what happened to their former children, and where these rude beings now living in their house came from. IOW, teens can be frustrating to the point of despair under the best of circumstances. Teens whose parents are divorced are even more vulnerable to becoming impossible twits. The first step, then, is to not take this situation personally. The second is to realize that any landing you all walk away from will be a good one.

You might want to go to the counselor at their high school and ask if he or she has any resources to help you cope with this situation. Research books on the internet for coping with teens, and see if your local libraries have some.

You might also look into books such as Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More”. It has lots of good stuff on how to deal with dysfunctional families and to draw boundaries without drama. Addiction, after all, makes people into self-centered liars, too. It is the work of the addict to get themselves clean and sober, but it is the work of the co-dependent to learn how and when to draw boundaries and how to defend them without their cortisol levels going through the roof. Based on the 12 Steps movement, “Co-Dependent No More” also assumes that the way through dysfunction is through spirituality. You don’t have to be a co-dependent to pick up many helpful ways of thinking from the co-dependency literature.

Have you ever read the Serenity Prayer in its entirety? That might help you, too:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Hang in there, you are not alone! Since you and your husband are on the same page, God can get you through this.

Oh, and John Gottman’s books on communication in marriage can give good insight on the difference between what you say and what those you love hear. It can help you identify reactions that are particularly damaging–such as personal criticism, expressions of contempt (including non-verbal ones), emotional shutting down, defensive counter-criticism. The book help to identify how to complain without damaging the ones you’re complaining to, and by noting the “damaging” habits, you can learn to respond to them in a supernatural way instead of going over into a natural reaction…that is, you can take the hurtful things they do to God in a more knowing way. It will also teach you that healthy complaining is best done from a situation in which positive comments outnumber negative by five to one. That’s right: 5 to 1! Go in as the parent with the understanding that you’re dealing with immature people in the emotional condition of an animal caught in barbed wire, and I think you’ll at least come away with less damage done to you or them than would otherwise have been the case. But do not expect “perfection”. That never happens, even in “fully intact” families. Do not grieve that you don’t have it, because essentially no one ever does.

 

[Kaizmom]

Thank you for your responses but my issue is not so much with how to handle the kids. We are dealing with that, the problem is with me. I want to know how I can be more accepting of these issues while working them out rather than my first instinct which is to run away and not handle it at all. How do I see these things as blessings rather than curses.

Samantha

 

[Giannawannabe]

What I do is take my negative feelings of running away and “offer them up” for the child causing the pain. Then I actually picture placing that child at the foot of the Cross. In this way, I feel effective in helping my child and allow my spiritual self to be free.

Also, please read Easter Joy’s post again. I love EJ! She always inspires and brings such a beautiful perspective.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for your responses but my issue is not so much with how to handle the kids. We are dealing with that, the problem is with me. I want to know how I can be more accepting of these issues while working them out rather than my first instinct which is to run away and not handle it at all. How do I see these things as blessings rather than curses.

Samantha

Think about what Our Lord went through at Gethsemane…you are being asked to be obedient, but you do not have want to be poured out as a libation, in order to be obedient:

Then he said to them, “My soul is sorrowful even to death. Remain here and keep watch with me.” He advanced a little and fell prostrate in prayer, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” Matt. 26:38-39

I think that being thankful for the grace to “handle it” is where your search for something to be grateful for will lead you.