How to encourage a stay at home mom?

  • Thread starter Thread starter David011
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

David011

Guest
Hello everyone! I’m new here, this is my first (and probably will be my only) post. I’ve noticed there are quite a few stay at home moms so I was hoping to see if I could get some advice.

My wife has been a stay at home mom since our first child was born two years ago. She was reluctant at first but she agreed to give it a try for a few years and I had my hopes up that it would end up being a permanent arrangement in the long run. Things were going great and she seemed very happy…or so I thought. When our eldest turned two we had a talk and she basically told me she hates being a stay at home mom and wants to go back to work. She gave it a try and she says she feels like her life isn’t going anywhere and her years of college and med school were wasted.

We found out we’re expecting again so I guess I bought myself some time to hopefully persuade her to stay at home since she stated she’s going back to work a few months after the second baby is born. She’s a wonderful caring mother to our little girl (and unborn baby) and I can’t stand the thought of them not having their mother at an age when they need her most. If I could provide the same comfort and security a mother could, I would be more than willing to stay at home but that’s something I believe only she can give them. I love my wife and want her to be happy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
What kind of job does she want to get? Maybe she could work part-time?
 
David011 said:
She’s a wonderful caring mother to our little girl (and unborn baby) and I can’t stand the thought of them not having their mother at an age when they need her most. If I could provide the same comfort and security a mother could, I would be more than willing to stay at home but that’s something I believe only she can give them. I love my wife and want her to be happy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Click to expand...
Being a SAHM - esp. with infants/toddlers - can be lonely, frustrating, and incredibly mind-numbing. I say that after having been one - and still firmly believing I made the right choice to stay home. However, I don’t believe in sugar coating the experience.

The two most important things that helped me make it through were friends who were also stay at home moms with kids the same age (giving me a substantial and understanding support group), and having my husband being able and willing to give me “grown-up” breaks - both with him (getting a sitter) and without him - allowing me to go be “me” without having to worry at all about the kids knowing he was taking care of them.

Sure, there are parents out there who fall naturally and easily into the stay-at-home role and probably do relish every moment, but I suspect they are not the norm.

For me the norm was constantly being torn between my intense love of my children and desire for them to have the best care, and my desperate need to know I was still a “real person” who was able to experience putting myself first for a change every now and then.

I’d suggest trying to help her be the best “her” she can be - figure out what you need to do to give her the chance to go do some of “her” things, separate and apart from the family - and maybe that would be enough to give her what she needs to be able to stay at home longer. For example - does she have any hobbies, like running or quilting or ? Does she have regularly scheduled “me” time that allows her to work on her hobby and spend time with other people who share her interest?

The internet is great, but doesn’t replace face-to-face time with friends. Marriage is wonderful - but (most of the time) each partner needs some friendships besides just their partner. Being a mom is spectacular - but to be a really good one, you need to still be a person.

Hope something in this rambling post of mine helps!
 
Wow! Thank you for the replies! Before she became a stay at home mom, she was working as a Pediatric Oncologist and she was very good at it! So she wants to go back to that full time and we did make the decision together although I compromised a bit more because she did toward my request to stay at home in the first place.

I did suggest that she join mom groups and she gave it a try but she said she really can’t bring herself to relate to them enough to befriend them. She says all they talk about is “their kids and what they’re going to make for dinner and what they’re going to write on their blog”, haha. I do understand where she’s coming from since most of her friends have science based professions so their discussions are on a much higher scientific level than even I can keep up with! She means no offense, she just has different interests than most of the stay at home moms we’ve met. But thank you, I will be doing my best to give her more time with her own friends.

I have noticed her faith is less than when she was working. Before she used to pray a lot for all her patients which in general made her pray a lot for decisions she made, test results, our family, almost anyone and everyone she met! Being a pediatric oncologist really made her faith in God grow which is one of the reasons why I went ahead and gave her the ok to work again.
 
judging by your post, i feel there may be some bigger problems here. sounds like she is just staying home because you want her to, not because she actually wants to. and what did you mean exactly by you hope it would be a permanent arrangement. as in you never want to go back to work ever again? i supose it’ll depends what you plan on doing for their education as well. be it homeschooling or catholic school or public school. this is something you need to discuss with your wife and pray together about. be careful not to overstep your boundaries and you will figure something out. perhaps her working part time is an option like someone suggested. all things to consider especially if her faith is suffering. god bless
 
It seems like you want her to be a SAHM and she only did it for the couple of years to please you. I don’t think the Church has made any statements saying that women have to stay at home. This should be a mutual decision, between you and her. If you feel the need for a parent to stay at home with the children, maybe you could stay at home while she works.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
If you feel the need for a parent to stay at home with the children, maybe you could stay at home while she works.
Click to expand...
There ya go! She tried it for a couple of years. How about when baby #2 comes, you try being the stay at home parent for a couple of years. 🙂
 
David, I have seen stay at home Dads and they are wonderful! I think Dads can provide just the same loving care as Moms do. Yes, it would be tricky in the first year with all the nursing, but I don’t see why you couldn’t change the roles afterwards! Your wife has a wonderful profession, a “calling” to heal others, and fulfilling her life purpose in the medical profession does not necessary mean that she couldn’t remain the most fantastic Mom for your children at the same time.
 
Back2Church said:
There ya go! She tried it for a couple of years. How about when baby #2 comes, you try being the stay at home parent for a couple of years. 🙂
Click to expand...
👍 yep. She’s an oncologist. That takes a long time and hard work to achieve. She will definitely be able to support a family of 4 if the roles were reversed.
 
David011 said:
Wow! Thank you for the replies! Before she became a stay at home mom, she was working as a Pediatric Oncologist and she was very good at it! So she wants to go back to that full time and we did make the decision together although I compromised a bit more because she did toward my request to stay at home in the first place.

I did suggest that she join mom groups and she gave it a try but she said she really can’t bring herself to relate to them enough to befriend them. She says all they talk about is “their kids and what they’re going to make for dinner and what they’re going to write on their blog”, haha. I do understand where she’s coming from since most of her friends have science based professions so their discussions are on a much higher scientific level than even I can keep up with! She means no offense, she just has different interests than most of the stay at home moms we’ve met. But thank you, I will be doing my best to give her more time with her own friends.

I have noticed her faith is less than when she was working. Before she used to pray a lot for all her patients which in general made her pray a lot for decisions she made, test results, our family, almost anyone and everyone she met! Being a pediatric oncologist really made her faith in God grow which is one of the reasons why I went ahead and gave her the ok to work again.
Click to expand...
I have a PhD in chemistry, and I can understand what she means, even though I have stayed at home. It hasn’t been easy, but with my husband’s workload it has been the best choice for us. For your case, research St. Gianna Beretta Molla. She shows that a mother who is also a physician is not choosing career over holiness. This is something that the two of you can work out together.

In the meantime, I’d highly suggest audiobooks and courses by the Teaching Company to help her stay sane. I listen to them on a CD player while I do housework. Many of the Teaching Company’s courses are available as audio downloads. It’s like going back to college, but no exams! I’d especially suggest Robert Greenburg. The DVD course on cathedrals was also very cool. Expect her to want to make a visit to France after that one! 👍 If you get them from the library, the house won’t overflow with them.
 
Just some other ideas…
I think that women who breastfeed are often more in tune with their babies needs, and end up happier staying home.
God not only designed women to carry a child for 9 months, he also designed babies to suckle from their mothers breast. There is a great deal of medical information written about this… she might enjoy reading 'breastfeeding abstracts" from La Leche League.
Encourage her to go to La Leche League meetings while she is pregnant, she will meet other moms, many of whom are stay at home moms. She could put her medical knowledge to use, becoming a lactation consultant.
While she might not want to befriend the ladies attending the meetings, she might find the leader very interesting, and knowledgeable.
They also have conferences (both La Leche League and Home-schooling) where she could meet some very scientific-minded moms, who decide to put their career on hold, or on part-time while their children are young.
She could use this time for researching the medical journals and abstracts, and maybe write for the journals, which would end up helping way more people than she could possibly see by being a practicing oncologist.
 
David011 said:
Hello everyone! I’m new here, this is my first (and probably will be my only) post. I’ve noticed there are quite a few stay at home moms so I was hoping to see if I could get some advice.

My wife has been a stay at home mom since our first child was born two years ago. She was reluctant at first but she agreed to give it a try for a few years and I had my hopes up that it would end up being a permanent arrangement in the long run. Things were going great and she seemed very happy…or so I thought. When our eldest turned two we had a talk and she basically told me she hates being a stay at home mom and wants to go back to work. She gave it a try and she says she feels like her life isn’t going anywhere and her years of college and med school were wasted.

We found out we’re expecting again so I guess I bought myself some time to hopefully persuade her to stay at home since she stated she’s going back to work a few months after the second baby is born. She’s a wonderful caring mother to our little girl (and unborn baby) and I can’t stand the thought of them not having their mother at an age when they need her most. If I could provide the same comfort and security a mother could, I would be more than willing to stay at home but that’s something I believe only she can give them. I love my wife and want her to be happy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Click to expand...
It is very important for her to find something outside the home.

Maybe she volunteers at the church or some organization

Maybe she goes back to work part time or flexible schedule.

Historically women did a ton more work than just vacuuming and cooking.

I would encourage you to help your wife find a happy medium for both of you where your wife’s needs are being met and the kids needs too.
 
David011: Regarding your wife staying at home and spending more time with your children.

I have heard MANY people lament in their old age that they wished they had spent MORE TIME with their children.

I have NEVER heard ANY people lament in their old age that they wished they had spent LESS TIME with their children.
 
I did suggest that she join mom groups and she gave it a try but she said she really can’t bring herself to relate to them enough to befriend them. She says all they talk about is “their kids and what they’re going to make for dinner and what they’re going to write on their blog”,
Click to expand...
It sounds like your wife is craving mental stimulation! She spends all day with the baby–she doesn’t really need to go out and talk about him–not that he’s not wonderful, but just that she needs to focus her mind on something else altogether for true refreshment.

I have to admit, my eyes glaze over when people start talking about what they’re making for dinner too! For this, I would suggest that you encourage and help make it possible for her to go out and do things which are intellectually stimulating–taking her and another couple put to dinner, getting her and a friend of hers tickets to a lecture or seeing if she’d like to take an evening course while you care for baby.

Is your wife at all interested in doing something like staying at home part-time? Or working as more of a consultant? IOW, is her desire to stay home with the children but she’s having trouble making it work, or does she want to go back to work?
 
It sounds as if she gave being a SAHM a good shot ---- 2 years. Maybe she did it because she wanted to; maybe she did it because she wanted to please you. But now she is saying she wants to return to work----- maybe you should consider what she is expressing?
 
This is my first post also, but I felt compelled to create and account and post because I thought I could relate to your wife.

I am also a physician and I have to tell you I also would be very unhappy as a SAHM. I work, often long hours, and I do so because it allows me to be a BETTER mom than if I was staying home. Even my maternity leave was difficult for me. I took nearly 6 weeks off and at the 3 week point I was checking in on patients, contacting colleagues. I felt very unfulfilled even though the days with a newborn flew by. It was just not for me.

We are expecting our second in a few months and though I will again be taking the same amount of time off, I won’t be surprised if I begin to feel the same way. I am confident I could not manage for two years so that is certainly to your wife’s credit that she lasted so long.

Additionally, remember how hard she worked to get into her career. It took years of work, residency, fellowship, studying, board exams. Medicine is not a profession one can simply put on hold for a few years and go back to. If she waits until the children are school-age, she will be so behind in the current treatments (especially in oncology where things move quickly) that it will be even more difficult for her to go back.

Please consider that she may need to go back to work in order to be the best mother she can be for your children. I know I would feel tremendous resentment toward my husband (and probably the children too) if I felt I had no choice but to stay home.
 
I would like to say something encouraging but can’t think of much to add. You have gotten some good advice from other stay at home moms about the types of encouragement we find helpful and some of the aspects many find challenging, (such as intellectual stimulation.)

I would really advice you and your wife to pray about the decision together as a couple, and I encourage you to pray for your wife. I’m a little torn myself as I read your posts. I’d like both for more mothers to stay home full time with their children–but I’d also like there to be good Catholic pediatric oncologists available for those who need them. Prayers for your family as you discern where God is calling her to be.
 
I would also be cautious about telling your wife to try things like volunteering, or taking online courses or whatnot. None of these things remotely compare to the career she had and if my husband suggested I fill that void with one of those other activities I would be somewhat hurt.
 
David011 said:
I did suggest that she join mom groups and she gave it a try but she said she really can’t bring herself to relate to them enough to befriend them. She says all they talk about is “their kids and what they’re going to make for dinner and what they’re going to write on their blog”, haha. I do understand where she’s coming from since most of her friends have science based professions so their discussions are on a much higher scientific level than even I can keep up with! She means no offense, she just has different interests than most of the stay at home moms we’ve met. But thank you, I will be doing my best to give her more time with her own friends.
Click to expand...
I totally understand this feeling. The fact is that it’s hard to find a good mom’s group. I went through a few before I found one that clicked. She might have to start her own if she’s really not finding the type of people that she wants to find.

She could also work part time. Or, like someone else said, consulting. Or you could stay at home or work from home, if having one parent at home is important to you and working is important to her. I know a family in a similar situation where the wife is a doctor and goes to the office and the husband works from home.

A lot of women feel like they have to use their degrees because they spent so much money and time earning their credentials. I feel guilty for not using my degree and it isn’t paid off yet. However, my husband and I also planned our marriage and careers around the fact that I would be home w/our children.

However, I know a lot of women who work because they truly enjoy what they do. I know others who stay at home because that’s what they enjoy.

Being a SAHM is really challenging because you don’t have the intellectual stimulation and friendships are hard to maintain for the first couple of years. It’s a different experience trying to make new friends when you are an adult. It’s also really lonely, even if you do have friends.
 
David011 said:
She’s a wonderful caring mother to our little girl (and unborn baby) and I can’t stand the thought of them not having their mother at an age when they need her most. If I could provide the same comfort and security a mother could, I would be more than willing to stay at home but that’s something I believe only she can give them. I love my wife and want her to be happy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Click to expand...
I know there are a variety of opinions on this topic, and I respect them, but I agree with you that the ideal scenario is mom staying home with the kids. But it looks like your wife does NOT agree about that, at least for the time being, so I think you may simply have to look at your next best choices. And while I think you’re also right that Dad does not equal Mom, especially in the earliest years, I do think that you as a Dad will far surpass any non-parental caregiver, and would still be able to provide a wonderful, nurturing, loving, stable environment for your children.

There are many mothers who successfully nurse when home and pump at work, and are able to provide a breastmilk only diet to their babies for as long as they wish. I would suggest that your family seriously consider the option of you being a stay at home dad after those few months. Not only will this allow you to feel comfortable with your children’s care while your wife is doing what she feels she must do, but it will give you a wonderful opportunity to bond with your children. You might find that you like that arrangement more than you thought. Or she might find that the grass wasn’t really greener, and that she misses being home with her kids more than she thought she would. Either way (or even if you don’t love that arrangement and she doesn’t miss being home), the kids will still have had a good amount of time home with a parent, and that is always a good thing.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top