How to explain chastity to boyfriend?

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and are discerning marriage. We are wonderful together, however a constant issue in our relationship is abstinence. We have never had intercourse, but we have crossed the line in nearly everything else. I’ve made justifications like I’m 99% sure I’m going to marry him so it’s okay, but I’m sick of excuses. I went to confession today and was finally able to receive the Eucharist after and I feel like a weight has been lifted. The thought of messing up the state of grace I am in is very upsetting. My priest suggested that I have a talk with my boyfriend about ‘enduring love’. I don’t know how to speak about this as eloquently as my priest does or how to explain it.

Several things I think the reader should know:
  1. When we first got together, I was atheist and he was more agnostic/Catholic. I had previous sexual encounters that damaged my views on healthy sexuality and no real foundation on chastity. We didn’t exactly establish any physical boundaries to start, which makes stopping hurtful/confusing for him.
  2. 1 year after dating, I returned to the Church and am very passionate about it. He does not share the same degree of interest/enthusiasm, claiming he doesn’t ‘need’ religion like I do. Despite this, he considers himself Catholic. I have seen him shift through the years. Ex: he used to be pro-choice and we argued so much about it until I planted seeds and prayed and let God do the watering and eventually he told me he’s pro-life. He wants to raise kids Catholic, get married in the Church, been with me to Adoration, fine with NFP, agreed to attend Mass regularly when we are married, etc. He believes in God but isn’t comfortable talking about it. He enjoys Mass. The potential is there.
  3. I don’t think he has been taught or explored the basics of Catholicism, so explaining theology is difficult. In some of the conversations we’ve had before, he said that he doesn’t see a point in waiting because he isn’t going to leave me, it’s what normal people who love each other do. He feels chastity is rejection.
  4. A major concern I have is pushing him farther away from God with this new ‘rule’. I sense he’s on the brink of believing fully but he has many walls.
  5. Because he is a bit overweight, he thinks that me not wanting to do sexual things is because I do not find him attractive and am using religion to cover up- not true!
I don’t need suggestions on how to avoid sex but more so how I can concisely convince him this is the right choice for us and NOT a punishment. I know I can just say, ‘this is what we are doing now deal with it’. But I don’t think that sets us up to be happy/communicate well. I want him to understand and be ok with this in his heart too. Any advice from men who have been in his position may be invaluable.

I’m awful at speaking off the top of my head in emotionally charged situations. Having a prepared list and discussed this with Catholic peers beforehand will help me. I just want to be prepared so that this conversation goes more positively.
*edited for clarity
 
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I had a problem with this before I was married. I really regret not being pure as I really abused God’s mercy, read JPII theology of the body & Fulton sheens quote on men being worthy of women who are pure. God is more likely to bless your marriage if its pleasing to God.
 
I’d explain to him how it’s better to wait. In fact it’s more pleasurable. I don’t know a good analogy but that’s what I would tell him. Remember, he seems to love you but there still needs to be something in it for him or else he will want to take that love to the next step too soon.
 
Wow. His conversion to pro life is amazing. Glory be to God. Sounds complicated. I have one simple suggestion. “Not a fix all” but may help some. Attend a Catholic Church Wedding together. Sit as close to the front as you can.

Peace be with you
 
Him becoming pro-life was amazing and I still can’t believe it to this day. I was in the room with him as he was talking to his friends over skype about politics and he admitted to all his male friends that he leaned toward pro-life. He’s asked me how to defend his position and it’s only gotten stronger. Glory to God indeed! I really love your suggestion - it’s beautiful and simple. Hopefully we get invited to a Catholic wedding soon. God bless.
 
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Thank you for your response! I will check out those resources and pass them along to him. I’ve been meaning to read theology of the body myself for ages. God bless.
 
What a beautiful desire, perhaps take the approach on chastity as a virtue and how it magnifies love, rather than lessens it. Theology of the Body, like another poster suggested, is a huge help on thinks such as “emotional chastity” and such. Things I had never even heard of that are essential in relationships. There’s a book I think by Christopher West called “Theology of the Body for Beginners” that may be a huge help for you both of you would like to approach John Paul II’s writings in a less dense fashion.
 
That is very helpful thank you so much for that suggestion. I agree I think if I can properly convey that chastity is a virtue that magnifies love, then we will be able to move forward so much more. Control our actions before they start to control us too. God bless you.
 
Naeb said:
…he considers himself Catholic… I don’t think he has been taught or explored the basics of Catholicism, so explaining theology is difficult. In some of the conversations we’ve had before, he said that he doesn’t see a point in waiting …
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He should know that a couple does not marry for only one persons benefit, but for both, and for the Church. Now what kind of disregard and disrespect is shown to all when the physical consummation precedes the covenant?

So the starting point for marriage really is to be in the state of grace from which we “do and teach” . Remember what Jesus said Matt. 5:17-19:
17 Do not think that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets. I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill.

18 For amen I say unto you, till heaven and earth pass, one jot, or one tittle shall not pass of the law, till all be fulfilled.

19 He therefore that shall break one of these least commandments, and shall so teach men, shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven. But he that shall do and teach, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
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Its a hard one and there is no easy answer for someone who is not maturing at the same rate as you are.

Explaining Catholicism isn’t going to work if he isn’t emotionally into it.
I would think the best channel is to ask him to respect your legitimate wishes.

You are not legally married, he has no right to your body until you make your public vows to each other.
You belong to the care of your family until that day comes.
It sounds like he does not have the means to fully care for you yet.
So he must match that reality by the chastity duly required of him at present regardless of “love”.

That you yourself have made the mistake of over-gifting yourself to him somewhat unchastely before that momentous event obviously hasn’t helped.
Nevertheless until you make your vows he has absolutely no right to your body and if he is a man he must acknowledge that as a basic right/respect if you do pull back.

You should not be ashamed to reverse your “over gifting” and pull back.
You have matured. Its nothing to do with being Catholic, its simply natural common sense…and you seem to have matured into that realisation while he is still a bit of a kid in that regard.

It isn’t easy - he may well get pouty and see it as a punishment.
That may be what he needs to work through and so grow up in this area.

Just be even and loving and firm with him when he does get pouty and gently walk away each time if necessary. If he is the man you think he is he will “wake up” and get over it.

Good luck, I admire your growing maturity and new vision.
 
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There is a book I read that I liked and seems to explain chastity well from both sides. Theology of His Body / Theology of Her Body: Discovering the Strength and Mission of Masculinity/Discovering the Beauty and Mystery of Femininity by Jason Evert.
https://www.amazon.com/Theology-His-Body-Her-Discovering/dp/193421759X

It seems to be written for teens but I an in my 60’s and liked it. You get to read about both sides in one book.

Patrick AMDG
 
If he does not understand abstaining before marriage, he will very much not understand abstaining after. And for most modern couples, there will be times of abstaining after marriage. Finances, health issues, emotional health may required long times when you abstain because you cannot welcome a child at that present time.

Think long and hard about this.
 
Naeb said:
A major concern I have is pushing him farther away from God with this new ‘rule’. I sense he’s on the brink of believing fully but he has many walls.
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Sin will not bring your boyfriend closer to God.
 
Good point and I get that. What I mean is I want to describe this to him in a way that explains chastity as a beautiful and necessary thing, not like a ‘rule’ with no reasoning.
 
Sometimes the law is what keeps us safe and honest.

We don’t speed in a school zone because of the law. (We should simply not speed because someone might get hurt)

We don’t cheat on our taxes because we might go to jail (we should simply be honest in all things)

We don’t have sex outside of a valid marriage because we do not want to offend God.
 
I appreciate the tough love coming from you, as it seems there is no one in my life that really emphasizes having a strong Catholic husband as a spouse. I understand this point about law for sure, but only because I’ve taken the time to try to rid myself of prideful thoughts that I ‘know better’ and come to love and trust God. It can take a loooong time to get to this point (which is really just a starting point) and a lot of conscious effort. I’m not fully there either but I want to be. I think the young adult age group can be a really difficult time for people in terms of forming their faith. I don’t say this to make excuses for not following God’s plan, but its hard for him to see things from a spiritual standpoint if all that has been offered to him until this point in his young life are worldly views.

I think after prayer and reading all the materials the posters above have sent me, I will have to have a sit down with him, explain my points, and also outline what the Church expects for sexuality in marriage. I don’t want to marry someone without fully discussing these things. I don’t want him to be completely surprised either that celibacy happens in marriage.

This is depressing me. I hope it works out, I have a lot of thinking to do, please pray for us.
 
Naab do you think the problem is you are trying to treat a boy with girl solutions!

I am a boy, I know exactly where your boyfriend is at as I was once a hormonal young man. If he cannot understand your now mature view on chastity, which he likely wont for a long while, then he needs to learn to respect “your law”.

Its not some impersonal, uncaring law from the State, its a loving law coming from you.

If he is so rebellious of law (which is ok in an immature young guy) that he cannot accept it coming from the person he loves most and who has every right to ask it of him…then he may not be worthy of your vows one day.

Take things slowly and you will find your way confidently dont worry. Small steps.
God bless.
 
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