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anikins
Guest
I think it may be worth looking into a Catholic friendly couples therapist to give you both the toolkit to talk through both of your sensitivities. Therapy is GREAT!
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Naeb
Guest
Thanks for your response this is a great point. And yes I guess I haven’t considered that I’m looking at this too much from a female perspective. I’m confident that he will accept a love law coming from me. I hope we will both grow from it. I will take things slow and try not worry too much as you have said. God bless!
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TheLittleLady
Guest
Another good point, this way it is about God, not about your boyfriend or you 
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Loud-living-dogma
Guest
Okay, one that occurs to me is “Are you prepared to walk away?”
What if he doesn’t come around to your way of thinking? You’re trying to negotiate with him, I believe as a point of strong negotiation, you need to be prepared to walk away.
You’ve been with him 5 years, and you guys are discerning marriage. May I ask how old you are? I think there is a difference if you are 23, or 37, for instance.
What if he doesn’t come around to your way of thinking? You’re trying to negotiate with him, I believe as a point of strong negotiation, you need to be prepared to walk away.
You’ve been with him 5 years, and you guys are discerning marriage. May I ask how old you are? I think there is a difference if you are 23, or 37, for instance.
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ratio1
Guest
Look it is hard but the fact he has changed from pro choice to pro life means he can change. So I wouldn’t give up just yet.
I heard an analogy from Christopher West about sexuality.
He said love is free, full, faithful, fruitful love. And that is the love that God wants us to have and the reason is because it is the BEST and perfect love. Any others that resembles it is a counterfeit. Society unfortunately have led us to believe the counterfeit is better.
Would you take a million counterfeit dollars now or get real money after marriage? Is the question I would ask to your boyfriend. The temptation of course is great, it’s a million dollars after all, but show that you understand this temptation. And also show that you too are struggling with this so he feels that you care about how He feels instead of just giving him rules.
West’s analogy can be use against premarital sex, contraception etc.
I heard an analogy from Christopher West about sexuality.
He said love is free, full, faithful, fruitful love. And that is the love that God wants us to have and the reason is because it is the BEST and perfect love. Any others that resembles it is a counterfeit. Society unfortunately have led us to believe the counterfeit is better.
Would you take a million counterfeit dollars now or get real money after marriage? Is the question I would ask to your boyfriend. The temptation of course is great, it’s a million dollars after all, but show that you understand this temptation. And also show that you too are struggling with this so he feels that you care about how He feels instead of just giving him rules.
West’s analogy can be use against premarital sex, contraception etc.
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HeDa
Guest
Do you know an older Catholic couple that you could invite for dinner and talk about married life as Catholics? If you don’t, then maybe your priest could suggest a couple that you could get to know. Or the permanent deacon with his wife? There are so many more aspects to married life than the physical part. Seeing and getting to know other people who live the faith could help him. Even having a “Man to man talk with a Catholic” could be a great help.
After a pregnancy it is more or less the wife who sets the boundaries as the little one or even three young ones under the age of 5 are the priority. The body takes time to heal after a pregnancy and if the infant screams through the nights for the first three months then the wife is not thinking about physical intimacy at all and her husband would have to accept that because he loves her and wants her best as well as their children´s best.
Men and women, husbands and wives, need good role models in their lives.
Ask St Joseph to help your boyfriend. Better husband and father can’t be found.
After a pregnancy it is more or less the wife who sets the boundaries as the little one or even three young ones under the age of 5 are the priority. The body takes time to heal after a pregnancy and if the infant screams through the nights for the first three months then the wife is not thinking about physical intimacy at all and her husband would have to accept that because he loves her and wants her best as well as their children´s best.
Men and women, husbands and wives, need good role models in their lives.
Ask St Joseph to help your boyfriend. Better husband and father can’t be found.
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Kei
Guest
Perhaps tell him it is sinful and you don’t want to sin, but that the wedding night will be all the more sweeter.
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Elizabeth3
Guest
I would say keep studying, praying and going to Mass. The more wisdom you acquire, the better prepared you will be to share your reasoning with him.
I really, really like Sr. Helena Burns’ talks on Theology of the Body. Granted they are geared towards an 8th gr Confirmation class and their parents but she has a way of explaining it that really makes the points easy to remember and communicate yourself if you need to. She takes JPII’s theology, which can be a difficult read and puts it in down to earth layman’s terms.
Here’s a link to the first in the series and you will also see the playlist for the rest.
God bless!
I really, really like Sr. Helena Burns’ talks on Theology of the Body. Granted they are geared towards an 8th gr Confirmation class and their parents but she has a way of explaining it that really makes the points easy to remember and communicate yourself if you need to. She takes JPII’s theology, which can be a difficult read and puts it in down to earth layman’s terms.
Here’s a link to the first in the series and you will also see the playlist for the rest.
God bless!
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Lara
Guest
I would say, just as you did, “this is what we are doing now deal with it.” You can explain things if he wants an explanation but start with, “It’s not going to change my love for God and his rules, nor my love for you. I’m always going to do what God wants, and that will be what’s best for you.”
You can’t push him farther from God with the right answer. He can decide to go with you or not go with you. But your chastity is non-negotiable.
He needs more instruction in the faith, and to lose weight. Do you want to be always propping up the self-esteem of your husband in the future? By exercising, he may gain more control over himself and his life, and have less stress.
You can’t push him farther from God with the right answer. He can decide to go with you or not go with you. But your chastity is non-negotiable.
He needs more instruction in the faith, and to lose weight. Do you want to be always propping up the self-esteem of your husband in the future? By exercising, he may gain more control over himself and his life, and have less stress.
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Socrates92
Guest
Agreed. There’s something very satisfying about the thought that you denied yourself for the love of a spouse (prior to marriage), meaning that the consumation of marriage is that much more fulfilling. The marriage night is nothing special otherwise. If you can wait out a period of abstinance you can be more sure that you’re not selfishly using the other person sexually, and that intercourse is actually an expression of love, as it is intended to be.
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Socrates92
Guest
That would depend on whether he’s used to basing decisions purely on emotions, or if he’s capable of thinking rationally like a mature man. Did you see any indication that it was the former?
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Irishmom2
Guest
OP, please get some books by Jason Evert. He write clearly, logically and simply about chastity.
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anon65111186
Guest
Write him just like you did here. You seem to be a good writer. Be there with him when he reads it if you need. Pray for him and challenge him to be pure and chaste, that will pay off loads later on in your marriage and for his own self-control.
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Socrates92
Guest
A couple of practical questions. How much of a “guy’s guy” is your boyfriend? What type of Catholic community do you have, uf any, where you live? It might be helpful if you can get him to hang out with other strong successful Catholic guys who practise chastity, and are none the worse for wear. It’s unfortunate that, generally, it seems to be women who have to take the lead in this area. It’s too bad that more men don’t uphold chastity for what it is - a display of manly strength, rather than a emasculating bowing to an arbitrary and pointless rule.
Regardless of your circumstances, it’d be helpful to emphasize the strength aspect of practising chastity. Practising chastity makes one more masculine, not less. Womanly admiration is a powerful motivator too (speaking as a 25yr old guy here). So make no secret of how much you appreciate the strength that he is demonstrating by abstaining. Chastity isn’t exactly common, so it really sets a man apart. Emphasize this if you can.
Regardless of your circumstances, it’d be helpful to emphasize the strength aspect of practising chastity. Practising chastity makes one more masculine, not less. Womanly admiration is a powerful motivator too (speaking as a 25yr old guy here). So make no secret of how much you appreciate the strength that he is demonstrating by abstaining. Chastity isn’t exactly common, so it really sets a man apart. Emphasize this if you can.
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Socrates92
Guest
I emphasize hanging out with other practising Catholic guys, because, chances are, he sees chastity as a woman-imposed burden. That’s just a silly misconception that needs to change if possible. Chastity is an accomplishment, not just a burden (not that they’re mutually exclusive things).
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Lara
Guest
I’d feel sad if my boyfriend needed other guys’ support to do the right thing. I think the OP’s guy has just not been road-tested for chastity. He needs to become mentally tougher and more disciplined. Put him in boot camp for the formerly unchaste, I say. Some guys are leaders and some are followers. This guy sounds like a follower, which is a good thing. But the OP needs to take charge of the situation and be the leader, and perhaps has some trouble with that.
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Socrates92
Guest
Perhaps. It’s always better if the guy has it in himself. But you have to take the situation as it is, not as you wish it were. Even if not strictly necessary it’s always nice to have support and comradrie anyways.
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Naeb
Guest
My godparents are an amazing catholic couple who would be a good option for this! Good idea.
And yes will definitely be asking St Joseph for help!
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Naeb
Guest
“It’s not going to change my love for God and his rules, nor my love for you. I’m always going to do what God wants, and that will be what’s best for you.”
I really like this, I will start the conversation this way. It’s loving but firm, and I think he’ll appreciate that. Also, I didn’t mean to make him sound hugely overweight or anything, but still I think exercising would be great for his overall health so maybe we can start going to the gym.
I really like this, I will start the conversation this way. It’s loving but firm, and I think he’ll appreciate that. Also, I didn’t mean to make him sound hugely overweight or anything, but still I think exercising would be great for his overall health so maybe we can start going to the gym.
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Naeb
Guest
I think he is a pretty rational thinker by nature. He’s going through a lot at the moment with pharmacy school stress and OCD, so I could see him responding a bit more emotionally/sad than he typically would, but I’m sure it won’t be a prolonged response.
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