How to fix issues without nagging?

  • Thread starter Thread starter AClaire11
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

AClaire11

Guest
I’m 6 months pregnant, so I know some of my irritation is hormonal, but this stuff was a problem before, too. My husband has become a total slob. His manners are horrible now (elbows on the table, drinking out of the carton, he’ll lick plates around the corner when he thinks I can’t see him, huge gross bites of food), he leaves his areas of our small apartment a total mess and just throws his clothes everywhere, and he’ll eat all of something and just leave the package there so I get all excited to eat it and then there’s nothing. My aunt gave us a box of really nice French chocolates and I had ONE. I went into the box today, and THEY WERE ALL GONE and the wrappers just piled into the tin. I literally started bawling.

I just don’t know how to fix this without nagging. I feel like I’m acting like his mom and I hate it. He wasn’t like this when we were dating, and I’ll remind him of that, but nothing works except getting visibly upset or yelling, and then he gets in a bad mood and the next day he goes right back to what he was doing before anyway. I’m just so tired of feeling like his maid and dealing with his inconsiderate behavior. Please help.
 
This is a problem for sure. To treat the problem in a one-sided way really looks like nagging. I don’t know what’s happened to your guy that he’d change like that. Unless he was just really trying before and now he isn’t.

3 ways come to mind for dealing with this.
  1. Just put all his stuff in a pile whenever he makes a mess. A pile. A basket. A box. Whatever. And label it something. I don’t know what. That depends on how witty you both are I guess.
  2. Compliment the clean things he still does. I mean even a comment like how you love it when he does x-y-z. Next time you guys watch a show or something where someone’s really refined or polite just tell the air in front of you how much that turns you on.
  3. Make sure you divvy up future gifts so that he’s got a pile and you’ve got a pile. So he can’t eat yours. Sometimes thoughtlessness and cluelessness are close friends. It’d be great to figure out which one was riding his shoulders. If he eats from your pile of stuff I guess you’ll know.
I don’t know what else to say. I hope these small things work somehow. Good luck.

Peace AClaire.

-Trident
 
Having been there, I really do recommend counseling, if for no other reason than letting your husband know that “No, really, this stuff is a Big Deal.”

One thing we ended up doing, since DH is very forgetful and leans toward slobbiness himself, was making a very detailed list of daily housekeeping items. He could then see what needed doing, as well as be reminded of all the things I was doing that had been escaping his notice.
 
I noticed that my husband didn’t take passive aggressive hints. So I started being direct. But my husband isn’t a good listener, so that didn’t work well either. So I informed him very directly that I was going to start hiding his stuff that made a mess.

A couple weeks go by, he can’t find his headphones, I tell him that I told him I was going to hide them next time he left them on the baby’s changing pad, so he feels that its his fault, his consequences for his own actions. I finally gave them back, but I had to get his attention somehow. I had to make his messes annoying to him.

I feel like someone might call this manipulative, but its not a continuing thing because
a) he found my hiding place
b) he gets it now, so he does it less.
 
If I put everything in a pile, he’ll just leave it in the pile until I yell at him to put it away. It’s a huge battle just to get him to put his clean clothes away after the laundry is done. He’d rather just leave them in the laundry basket or on the couch. And he’s eaten my restaurant leftovers before without asking, so I’m not sure how separating food would work, but I guess I can try that.

Counseling could be helpful, but we really can’t afford it at this time. So unless we find somewhere that offers it for free, that will have to wait.

I’ll think about the hiding thing, but we live in a studio, so there are only so many places to put things, and I’m not sure how I feel about it in general.
 
Someone from work was stealing lunches. A nice takeout was put in the frig. loaded with really hot sauce. Don’t wash his cloth for a week; be baby sick/uncomfortable. Licking the plate actually sounds like a problem from home or training. Sounds like he was told to “clean his plate” or even had a childhood where he was hungry. That would be a problem for counseling. Most men have a mother complex where they think "moms " gonna do it-solve everything. I don’t have good advice, but will pray for you.
 
Just be honest with him. If he loves you, he would not be doing these things if he knows they upset you. Like the other poster said, you might want to seek counseling because he sounds like he is immature. I hope everything works out for you.
 
I sympathize, I have a grown son who lives with us who is like that. He never puts the tops back on jars or bottles; drives me crazy. Then the tops get lost and we’ve got mayonnaise jars and ketchup bottles covered with tinfoil everywhere.
He empties packets and boxes and leaves them out, when there’s a trash can a foot away.
I have a basket where I put everything that isn’t in its place. Clothes, underwear, dog toys, etc.

I’m kind of a slob myself, so I’m struggling with my own failings at the same time.
It’s tougher when children are added to the mix.
The trick is to not let it get to you. Easier said than done, I admit. I would not yell at him, and not act like his maid. Leave his messes alone. Pile his tossed around clothes in a corner and ignore them. When he runs out of clothes, he will look for them. Perhaps let him wash his own clothes, as long as clean clothes are still piled on the sofa.
God bless.

.
 
AClaire11 said:
If I put everything in a pile, he’ll just leave it in the pile until I yell at him to put it away. It’s a huge battle just to get him to put his clean clothes away after the laundry is done. He’d rather just leave them in the laundry basket or on the couch.
Click to expand...
Yeah. I figured that. But the point is that you’d not yell at him. You’d just tell him that you can’t be bothered to put his stuff away for him. That it’s all you can do to handle everything else. So you’ll just put it into a pile for him to put away. So just put it in the pile you choose to make. Anywhere you choose to make it. Don’t put it in a handy spot. Just let the stuff get annoyingly mixed up for him. He’ll either care or he won’t. But at least the mess will end up in one spot. I mean I’m assuming you’ll say this in a nice and sweet way. You don’t want this turning into a war. You’re just trying not to have to follow after him as much.
AClaire11 said:
And he’s eaten my restaurant leftovers before without asking, so I’m not sure how separating food would work, but I guess I can try that.
Click to expand...
Label it. And make it clear it’s yours and you’re looking forward to having all of it. Gotta figure out if he’s just clueless or really doesn’t care.
AClaire11 said:
Counseling could be helpful, but we really can’t afford it at this time. So unless we find somewhere that offers it for free, that will have to wait.

I’ll think about the hiding thing, but we live in a studio, so there are only so many places to put things, and I’m not sure how I feel about it in general.
Click to expand...
Good luck!
 
We do the pile thing too, and honestly, it’s something I have had to let go. DH is never going to be bothered by messiness the way I am, but at least it’s contained. His spot is on top of his dresser. He has too many clothes and refuses to get rid of any of them, so I have no place to even put his clean laundry. Once in a while he tackles the area himself.

If you have health insurance, check what kind of mental health benefits you get. Catholic Charities and other groups offer free or reduced counseling or use a sliding scale. Private counselors sometimes do the same.
 
I’m more concerned with the “he was not like this before we married” part. There is something going on if that is true. (But, examine if it is really true or if you just overlooked things before).

If he has really had a personality shift, then you definitely need counseling/training on communicating and to find out what is at the root of this sudden change.

First you might try to find a time and place outside the apartment and not in the heat of the moment where you can talk uninterrupted about this topic and get it hashed out. Such as, go out to dinner and then find a booth at a coffee shop, or a spot in the park (except it’s winter so that might be uncomfortable)… but you get the idea. Don’t spring it on him either. Tell him you want to go out to dinner, relax, and then talk about these issues and find a resolution in an adult manner.

If that doesn’t work, you need a professional in the mix.
 
AClaire11 said:
If I put everything in a pile, he’ll just leave it in the pile until I yell at him to put it away. It’s a huge battle just to get him to put his clean clothes away after the laundry is done. He’d rather just leave them in the laundry basket or on the couch. And he’s eaten my restaurant leftovers before without asking, so I’m not sure how separating food would work, but I guess I can try that.

Counseling could be helpful, but we really can’t afford it at this time. So unless we find somewhere that offers it for free, that will have to wait.

I’ll think about the hiding thing, but we live in a studio, so there are only so many places to put things, and I’m not sure how I feel about it in general.
Click to expand...
You’re in a studio–in this case, this is an emergency, and a lot of the “zoning” advice is not going to help. (I “zone” a bit with my husband, but we have a huge house.) Also, in my experience, this sort of person is in huge danger of hoarder behavior, so I wouldn’t be very tolerant of the behavior–that stuff only gets worse with time.

I actually think that your husband may be having some sort of mental health issues. I think he should be evaluated for stuff like depression, OCD and an eating disorder. Eating all of your chocolates from your auntie sounds like behavior that he’s not fully in control of.

I wouldn’t be so sure that he wasn’t like this before you were married–you’re now living together in a tiny apartment, so you have far more opportunities for observation than previously. I also wouldn’t tell him that he wasn’t like that before you got married–it may even be true, but it probably sounds really shaming.

Also, I wonder if it isn’t stressing him out to live with you in such a small space? My husband and I lived briefly in his studio as newlyweds and man oh man was I happy when we finally moved into a real one bedroom apt. a couple months later. Obviously, we were crazy about each other, but it was just too much togetherness all the time. I think I’d do just about anything to get a one bedroom unit in your shoes, especially with a baby coming.

I would treat this as an emergency. I don’t think that these behaviors are ones that can be let go, because my feeling is that they will just snowball into bigger problems–an unliveable home, filth, problems with employment, obesity, health problems, etc. Not to scare a pregnant lady, but this is a very serious situation.
 
These last 2 posts are excellent.
Since this appears to be a “sudden” thing…he may be feeling like once the baby comes you will have no more time fro him, and literally, no more space for his stuff.
He’s definitely regressing into some childhood space where someone literally has to “fix” everything for him.
Do you suppose he’s afraid of being a real live adult grownup father???
I would sit down and ask him just how much of a total upheaval does he believe this baby is going to be? What can you do to assure him that you are in this together?
Call your Diocese. They offer family counseling based on what you can afford, which can be very little at times.
Be assured of our prayers.
 
1ke said:
I’m more concerned with the “he was not like this before we married” part. There is something going on if that is true. (But, examine if it is really true or if you just overlooked things before).

If he has really had a personality shift, then you definitely need counseling/training on communicating and to find out what is at the root of this sudden change.

First you might try to find a time and place outside the apartment and not in the heat of the moment where you can talk uninterrupted about this topic and get it hashed out. Such as, go out to dinner and then find a booth at a coffee shop, or a spot in the park (except it’s winter so that might be uncomfortable)… but you get the idea. Don’t spring it on him either. Tell him you want to go out to dinner, relax, and then talk about these issues and find a resolution in an adult manner.

If that doesn’t work, you need a professional in the mix.
Click to expand...
👍

Often (well, sometimes) I get frustrated with my husband’s behavior, and think, “he wasn’t like this when we dated!” But in reality the signs were all there before me, I just didn’t pay enough attention when we dated, or I was willing to overlook those faults when we were dating. During a particular difficult time, my DH’s sister came to visit and I was amazed at how similar they were. Then she regaled us with stories of growing up, and comments of “oh George, you are just like dad!” Yep. My DH is just like his family. I was willing to love him with those faults when I first married him, I still have to love him with those same faults 😛

I do employ methods to help him recognize that his belt, keys and wallet belong on the bedroom dresser, not my kitchen counter, but I try harder at accepting him and his ways.

As I read the stories of your DH, it reminds me of a mom with a soppy teenager with very little discipline. You are not his parent, but you could ask him to help you parent. i.e.: “I’m trying to teach Jane not to lick the dishes, would you mind showing her a better example?” “Little Jack has a hard time putting his toys away, could you make a game of putting things away … You could do your laundry, he could do his toys?”

If things don’t get put away, throw them in a box with a cover (a nice old chest would be good)and put them in there. No need to hide, just say you got a box for his stuff and it’s where you will be putting it when it’s left out. Things will go to charity once per month to keep the box from overflowing. No animosity in your voice, just a matter of fact statement perhaps in a conversation about a resolution to keep the house tidier.

Nagging only happens when two people refuse to listen. One is saying “no, I will not do it.” The other is saying “do it.” Why waste you voice and time with nagging? It’s not effective. You have to change your view of things and methods. I’ll pray for you. Please don’t forget to pray a Hail Mary for your DH everyday. Remember, Our Lady, had to put up with a less than perfect spouse, too.
 
I would also set aside some time (maybe Saturday morning?) to do major tidying. One of the ways I have practically eliminated nagging at my house is to make sure there is a recognized time for doing projects and then making sure that they happen then. We don’t need to do the stuff or talk about it at other times. That might work for some, but not all your issues.

Also, discrete tasks may be an important technique. I know that with my husband, he isn’t good at global tasks like “keep things tidy” but he is much better at discrete tasks like “do dishes” or “take out diaper pail.” So, he has a lot of discrete tasks whereas I have more global, diffuse responsibilities (like “make sure we have all necessary food and household items”).

Think long and hard before buying a house. I don’t think your husband is ready for it. If you do move on to a single family home before his issues are resolved, I would strongly suggest renting, and even that may be a stretch.

Best wishes!
 
I thought a bit and realized the “while we were dating thing” only refers to his eating habits. He was always pretty messy, and was actually messier before. We moved to a new city that’s way more expensive, so we have less space and the mess is just in front of my eyes all the time now. We cannot at all afford a one bedroom apartment in this area. Believe me, I wish we could. The rent for our studio is already half of our take-home pay.

His stuff is already in two piles (clothes and then books/papers by the table) so I don’t really see what the pile idea would accomplish aside from consolidating the mess. There will still be a pile of stuff on the floor that I have to look at 24/7. He already does his own laundry once in a while.

I’d say he’s fairly stressed out by our financial situation and trying to find a job out of this area, but not about the baby. Like I said, these were all problems before I got pregnant. I’m the one who’s stressed out through the roof about that and trying to make everything perfect so the baby doesn’t grow up in a pigpen, thinking it’s okay to be a slob.
 
Maybe it would help if I got a few filing boxes for him to put his papers in and another laundry basket. I have an extra one that’s full of stuff in the walk-in closet, so I could try cleaning that out.
 
AClaire11 said:
Maybe it would help if I got a few filing boxes for him to put his papers in and another laundry basket. I have an extra one that’s full of stuff in the walk-in closet, so I could try cleaning that out.
Click to expand...
Right.

Important point–don’t allow the boxes to multiply.

I think you’re going to need to provide a lot of moral support for your husband to stay on top of his stuff. His brain may just not be wired to cope with it. (My mom is like that.) I’m afraid there’s probably going to need to be a lot of hand-holding to keep your home livable. But think in terms of providing support while he does stuff, rather than than nagging him.

By the way, I’ve been watching an old HGTV show called Small Space Big Style at the gym on Netflix and I think you could both get some inspiration from it:

hgtv.com/shows/full-episodes/design-central-full-episodes/small-space–big-style-full-episodes

Netflix has a couple dozen episodes and while the decor is a bit dated, the people are so smart with their small spaces. (It may kind of kill you, though, to see a 1,000 sq. ft. home occupied by one person described as small.)
 
Looks like you’re in good hands now. Getting some great advice from some of my favorite people. I’m gonna leave you in their hands.

I just noticed I’ve got a pile of stuff here I’ve been meaning to put away. 😉

Peace AClaire.

-Trident
 
Time yourself. See how long it takes to go through the house and pick up all the stuff he lays around. (I did this several times when I had kids in the house and a husband in training) If done everyday it only takes about 10 - 15 minutes.

With a cheerful happy smile, put all that in a basket and figure out the best place in the house to store this stuff.

Don’t nag, don’t complain. Just happily go about your day. If he ask where something is, smile and say, “Oh, it may be in the basket.”

Trust this grandma who has spent 50 years training her husband. Nagging will not work. It will only make him dig in his heels.

I don’t know if I can explain how I worked out in my mind. But, I know that you can not change another person. It does not matter if it is not fair. You, make your home a happy place for your child. Make your home a happy place for yourself. Make your home a happy place for you husband.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top