How to forgive my husband's mistress

[domNoah]

I may be posting this in the wrong spot, but I do not know where to post. I have been having a very difficult time with my husband having an affair, and although I am very hurt by his actions, forgiving him has not been very difficult. The problem is I have a lot of built up anger and resentment toward the other woman. I do not know how one could be so selfish. As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am. Please do not misunderstand, my husband is fully responsible for his own act of betrayal and selfishness, and I may not have forgiven him for everything he did during the affair, but I am working on it. However, I feel like his “mistress” could not have cared less for the pain she was putting me, our children and our unborn baby through, and for everything she took from me and my marriage (my confidence, our innocence, etc) and to point out, she was aware that he was married, had children, I was pregnant… I feel so much anger and jealously toward her. Ultimately my husband is here working on our marriage, but while he is putting forth effort in our marriage, I am harboring hard feelings. I don’t “want” to forgive her ever, but the truth is God loves us all, and how can I make the decision to hold on to this resentment when I really want to follow God. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, and carrying this woman with me is preventing me from being so. The thing is I don’t even know how to begin to forgive someone I have never met, who hurt me, my children, my marriage, God and because of the affair brought this much pain to my husband. Please be kind here, I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be for God, but I can’t take harsh criticism right now. Please sympathize with me here. Thank you.

First, I am happy to here your husband is working on your marriage, and that you have chosen to forgive him.

Our ability to forgive others come from our ability to realize we need forgiveness as well. You said " As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am."

This in my opinion is the root of your problem, you have presumed that you would never commit an evil act like that. Many people do not think that they will commit sins that they later wind up committing. If you have ever had the misfortune to commit a mortal sin then you are capable of turning your back completely on God, and if you have not consider all of the Saints of the Church who either at some point lost grace through sin (like King David) or had to repent of it (like Mary Magdalene) then you should understand and have pity on fellow men who fall as many a time they are from weakness.

It is only the Grace of God that preserves us from falling into sins, whether they be big or small. Now it is true that our free will must choose to cooperate with his Grace, but without his grace we could never choose good.

We must identify the real enemy and apply our hatred there. Most people commit evil under the pretense of good, no doubt the mistress of your husband may have even thought that she “loved him”. These types of deceptions stem from the author of lies, the serpent, the devil, he is the instigator and tempter. Hate him and hate sin.

Realize also that without repentance this mistress will burn in hell for all eternity. No matter how much you dislike her could you imagine her being shoved into an oven put on 800 degrees or higher, and the following burning of flesh, terrible screams and complete pain? Within a matter of minutes your heart would be filled with pity. That is a poor comparison to the very fires of hell that burn the damned day and night.

In order for this women to be forgiven by God she will have to feel remorse (including for her offenses against you), confess her sin (or be baptized if she has not been) and resolve with the help of Gods grace to never commit (or think of) committing adultery again.

True repentence from those coming from sin is quite bitter, and real sorrow is like a sword through the heart, that is the medicine God will demand if she is to be forgiven, if not she will surly go to hell.

I hope that these truths will encourage you to forgive her and pray for her that she repents.

Remember our ability to be forgiven is based us forgiving others.

God be with you!

 

[PhdHater]

I may be posting this in the wrong spot, but I do not know where to post. I have been having a very difficult time with my husband having an affair, and although I am very hurt by his actions, forgiving him has not been very difficult. The problem is I have a lot of built up anger and resentment toward the other woman. I do not know how one could be so selfish. As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am. Please do not misunderstand, my husband is fully responsible for his own act of betrayal and selfishness, and I may not have forgiven him for everything he did during the affair, but I am working on it. However, I feel like his “mistress” could not have cared less for the pain she was putting me, our children and our unborn baby through, and for everything she took from me and my marriage (my confidence, our innocence, etc) and to point out, she was aware that he was married, had children, I was pregnant… I feel so much anger and jealously toward her. Ultimately my husband is here working on our marriage, but while he is putting forth effort in our marriage, I am harboring hard feelings. I don’t “want” to forgive her ever, but the truth is God loves us all, and how can I make the decision to hold on to this resentment when I really want to follow God. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, and carrying this woman with me is preventing me from being so. The thing is I don’t even know how to begin to forgive someone I have never met, who hurt me, my children, my marriage, God and because of the affair brought this much pain to my husband. Please be kind here, I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be for God, but I can’t take harsh criticism right now. Please sympathize with me here. Thank you.

Wow, I can’t believe I am actually reading this. To be 100% honest (since you put your Intimate business on the Internet I just want to give you an honest sincere 30’s white guy perspective answer) it kinda sounds like you are a little brainwashed. How on earth can you forgive him easily but have a hard time with her? How do you know that she even knew you existed? Maybe she is just as hurt as you are, maybe even more since you “won”. I do feel bad for you and mostly your kids, but she could be a victim also. I wouldn’t be so quick to forgive and forget what he did, take it from a guy who has cheated before (gf only, never wife with kids), the easier you make it for him the more likely he will do it again. Think with your brain and not with your heart, people will make all kinds of promises and apologies when their back is against the wall. Maybe your hubby is a nice guy who made a mistake, but odds are he’s a dirtbag who got caught. Don’t let it go, do your due diligence and get the facts. Maybe hubby was the victim of a sultry seductress, or maybe he was a sleaze chasing casual sex and lead that poor woman on to think it would be more. I am not implying either, I don’t kow you or anyone involved (gotta love the web) but knowing the truth might make getting over the situation easier and help place blame properly between the 3 of you.

 

[PhdHater]

Is there any way to cut this other woman 100% out of your husbands life eg…if she lives in your neighbourhood you could move house, if she works at his workplace he could work someplace else etc…

Also attend a catholic marriage counsellor to work through your feelings thoughts and issues TOGETHER…

Also i wouldnt feel jealous of her…your the one who is married to your husband…she just some low moral low class woman who cheats with a married man…never be jealous of her…be disgusted with her and pray for her that god shows her how distructive her behaviour is

So quick to judge, maybe the “mistress” was mislead into thinking she was being courted by a single gentleman caller. Also, if the mistress is so low, what about the husband? Wasn’t it him who made the vows to his wife?

 

[blessedwith3]

I doubt your husband was honest with the mistress to begin with. She may not have known he was married and had children. He obviously did know. Forgive her, she may be just as hurt as you, but for different reasons. Besides it takes two to tangle?.

There is so much I would like to explain, but really I am only looking for an answer on how to forgive. The other woman did know he was married and had children. She did know I was pregnant, and if not by my husband then by me. I called her and left messages, I went to her house. She would not answer my calls, would not see me, she actually played it like a game. My husband broke it off once, she still wanted to be friends and started calling again. I have someone to help me with everything that happened, and trust me there is so much more information than what you have in front of you. I am trying to understand and cope with what I have. That being said, I really do forgive my husband for much of what he did, but I know there are somethings that I haven’t yet. My hurt is with him, my anger is with her. But, I do agree with many of the posts, I need to heal and forgiveness will take time.

 

[blessedwith3]

First, I am happy to here your husband is working on your marriage, and that you have chosen to forgive him.

Our ability to forgive others come from our ability to realize we need forgiveness as well. You said " As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am."

This in my opinion is the root of your problem, you have presumed that you would never commit an evil act like that. Many people do not think that they will commit sins that they later wind up committing. If you have ever had the misfortune to commit a mortal sin then you are capable of turning your back completely on God, and if you have not consider all of the Saints of the Church who either at some point lost grace through sin (like King David) or had to repent of it (like Mary Magdalene) then you should understand and have pity on fellow men who fall as many a time they are from weakness.

It is only the Grace of God that preserves us from falling into sins, whether they be big or small. Now it is true that our free will must choose to cooperate with his Grace, but without his grace we could never choose good.

We must identify the real enemy and apply our hatred there. Most people commit evil under the pretense of good, no doubt the mistress of your husband may have even thought that she “loved him”. These types of deceptions stem from the author of lies, the serpent, the devil, he is the instigator and tempter. Hate him and hate sin.

Realize also that without repentance this mistress will burn in hell for all eternity. No matter how much you dislike her could you imagine her being shoved into an oven put on 800 degrees or higher, and the following burning of flesh, terrible screams and complete pain? Within a matter of minutes your heart would be filled with pity. That is a poor comparison to the very fires of hell that burn the damned day and night.

In order for this women to be forgiven by God she will have to feel remorse (including for her offenses against you), confess her sin (or be baptized if she has not been) and resolve with the help of Gods grace to never commit (or think of) committing adultery again.

True repentence from those coming from sin is quite bitter, and real sorrow is like a sword through the heart, that is the medicine God will demand if she is to be forgiven, if not she will surly go to hell.

I hope that these truths will encourage you to forgive her and pray for her that she repents.

Remember our ability to be forgiven is based us forgiving others.

God be with you!

Thank you for this. I am a sinner too, and one of the things I have a hard time on is judging, I guess as I have done here. It really puts into light for me though.

 

[ynotzap]

When I have trouble forgiving someone for a painful offenses like unfaithfulness, or extreme selfishness I try to understand the forces that make people do these things. Thats when I apply my knowledge of my Faith. I realize that we are affected by sin, and the effects of original sin. This knowledge is necessary to understand human nature. If the individuals involved are not Christians they have a terrible disadvantage dealing with moral behavior. they are really handicapped if they don’t have the grace of God. We often take our Faith for granted, and expect from others what we expect from ourselves. We are the ones who have the advantage. The effects of grace are real!! So this softens my attitude towards the one who has offended me, and helps me to have a forgiving attitude towards them, even causes me to pray for them. I realize that I have my feelings to contend with apart from my spiritual convictions. I let time pass, it heals, that coupled with my understanding of human nature make it endurable, with prayer for myself, and for the offending person. Jesus wants us to forgive no matter what. It’s a real test of love of God and neighbor the two greatest commandments. You can"t help how you feel, but you can help what you decide to do. God bless you in your trial and give you strength.

 

[PhiloMed]

Wow, I can’t believe I am actually reading this. To be 100% honest (since you put your Intimate business on the Internet I just want to give you an honest sincere 30’s white guy perspective answer) it kinda sounds like you are a little brainwashed. How on earth can you forgive him easily but have a hard time with her? How do you know that she even knew you existed? Maybe she is just as hurt as you are, maybe even more since you “won”. I do feel bad for you and mostly your kids, but she could be a victim also. I wouldn’t be so quick to forgive and forget what he did, take it from a guy who has cheated before (gf only, never wife with kids), the easier you make it for him the more likely he will do it again. Think with your brain and not with your heart, people will make all kinds of promises and apologies when their back is against the wall. Maybe your hubby is a nice guy who made a mistake, but odds are he’s a dirtbag who got caught. Don’t let it go, do your due diligence and get the facts. Maybe hubby was the victim of a sultry seductress, or maybe he was a sleaze chasing casual sex and lead that poor woman on to think it would be more. I am not implying either, I don’t kow you or anyone involved (gotta love the web) but knowing the truth might make getting over the situation easier and help place blame properly between the 3 of you.

This is totally unhelpful and you clearly are very immature, not married, or know nothing about holding marriage together. Possibly all of the above.

To the OP, I know exactly where you are coming from and as long as this woman is truly out of your lives you need to just start letting her go. The anger will consume you. Maybe you don’t need to forgive her, but just not obsess over her. It is so easy to allow this person to creep into your thoughts daily and it will only distract you from the important things in your life right now.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have known someone who had an affair with a married man, and I had conversations with her over the course of the affair. The man, giving* her *reasons why what they were doing was “OK”, turned her against the wife. In retrospect, however, the woman saw that they were both conning themselves, because they wanted what they wanted and didn’t want to pay attention to the objections of their consciences.

Your husband is the one who betrayed you more, because he was the one who had worked to gain your trust and then betrayed it. That is not to let the mistress off the hook, but to suggest that you are not letting him off instead of her because she was the person in their affair most responsible for violating your marriage. He was, obviously.

I’m guessing three reasons you don’t want to forgive her, even though you are willing to forgive him. 1) She hasn’t apologized or acknowledged her offense or given reason to believe she won’t reoffend, given the opportunity (hence the jealous feelings) 2) She has done nothing to make amends, and 3) so far, she has done nothing in your life, save to make it worse.

Those, however, are not reasons to withhold forgiveness. Those are reasons to deny her a reconciliation, which is forgiveness coupled with an openness to establish or rebuild a trusting relationship. If you think that “forgiveness” means being open to a relationship with her, I don’t think you’re going to make it. You have too much common sense! She has not given you any reason to trust her.

Another reason you may not want to forgive her is that you think that you have to make an excuse for her. You do not. You have to be willing to believe that one exists, because you don’t get to judge her, but forgiveness also requires the knowledge that perhaps the person has no excuse. Real forgiveness, for that matter, is in full force when the offender fully acknowledges that he or she has no excuse!

Forgiveness is not a return to trust. Forgiveness is not excusing the offense. Forgiveness is not being able to think about the offense without negative feelings about it, nor mustering good feelings for an offender, especially an offender you know only as such–feelings are not so much in our control as that. Although we do have to give mercy because we need mercy, forgiveness also does not mean giving way to an offender because we have also offended–if it were, how could God forgive, who is without offense against his own law?

Forgiveness is letting go of ill will. It is letting go of the desire to have vengeance, of the desire to personally judge and sentence the offender. Forgiveness is acknowledging the offense and how serious it is, realizing that it may have no excuse, that it may not even be repented from, and saying, “I give up ill will. If she deserves punishment, let God take vengeance. It belongs to Him alone.” Forgiveness is being open to put aside vengeance in favor of mercy. As a creature, it means letting God have the event, letting God be the judge, and abiding by God’s decision to extend mercy as God sees fit. God’s condition is that the offender lay down their rebellion and accept mercy. For us, though, the condition is only that we put the matter in God’s hands, and be willing to accept a merciful verdict.

That is what is asked of you, OP: Not that you like her, not that you make excuses for her, not that you trust her, not that you have some particular feeling for her. You are not asked to lie before the court of Heaven with regards to the facts of the case, either! If the facts stand agaist her, they stand against her. God knows all, and does not need you to testify, let alone to lie. What is asked is that you be willing to put your legitimate complaint in God’s hands and accept God’s verdict, that you leave the Prosecutor’s or Accuser’s table, where the devil presides, and take the Holy Spirit’s side, in the hope that she will accept the Holy Spirit as her Advocate, accepting the terms of the ultimate pardon and forgiveness that comes from reconciliation with God.

Whether she accepts the Holy Spirit as her counsel, which is her only hope, that is up to her. You don’t have to presume that she will. You only have to remove yourself as an obstacle to her case. If you do that, and let God have the case, then you can be certain that if you meet in the next life, she will have satisfied the requirements of mercy and reconciliation will be on the table.

IOW, what is being asked is submission to and trust in the perfect justice of God. Think of it that way, and you can do it! It will take some time, but you can do it.

 

[EasterJoy]

BTW, be very careful that you are not making her a scapegoat in order to give your husband a short-cut to his position of trust–that is, allowing yourself to forgive him by putting all the blame onto her. You know in your heart that your husband needs to earn your trust back by being trustworthy. Give that work the time it needs, so you can truly trust him. I would highly recommend you have a counselor help you with that. I mean to avoid the temptation to rush him back into a position of trust by putting all the blame on her and excusing him from responsibility for what he did. Do that, and I doubt you ever will truly trust him, because he will always be just one “excusable because irresistible” temptation away from betraying you again.

I would also suggest that you bring the tremendous pain of this wound to God for healing. This was “the unkindest cut of all,” but it is the special work of God to heal wounds. Don’t hide this wound from God as if it is a character defect. Instead, join this wound to the wounds of the Lord, and seek to have the Lord teach you how to bear it with him. *“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” *Matt. 11:28-30

 

[holyrood]

I’m not even sure what the actual situations (yes, plural) were with my XH, but there were at least a dozen over the course of our marriage. I can safely say he didn’t sleep with some of them, I know for a fact he slept with at least one, and the rest, who knows what the truth is.

Regardless, I’ve had to face the issue of ‘forgiveness’ regarding many of them. I have to admit, I’m not even sure at this stage what really defines ‘forgiveness’ in this situation. ‘Giving up your right to get revenge?’ If so, I’ve done that. I can say I no longer feel anger at them. But I think what really ultimately helped me was seeing her life for the pathetic mess it was, and knowing I’d rather be me, than her, a thousand times over.

 

[Irishmom2]

The hurt and anger you feel should all come from your husband. You are married to him, not her. He chose to break your trust by being with her. What or whether she knew is not important. HE chose his actions. It is your husband that needs your forgiveness. It is what he did wrong, not what she did, that you need to be concerned with forgiving. I agree with whoever said you may not have completely forgiven him. Certainly, it could be that you forgive him, as that is a choice you can make, but you do not trust him yet. And that is understandable. That will only come with time. Once you can trust him again in your heart, she will not play any part in your thought process.

 

[Tablefor9]

I’m sorry, as are other posters, for your pain.

I will say that we must never be astounded when people who are unconverted, act like it. We mustn’t judge those who are still blinded by our enemy’s lies for acting on them. In short, we can’t expect godly behavior from a godless person.

Acknowledge a soul created by and for God who is currently throwing her destiny away. This woman believed Satan’s lies before she trusted your husband’s. And both she and your husband were unfaithful to the Lord before they were instruments of infidelity to you. Follow the Lord’s mandate to pray for those who hate you, who misuse you, as an act of willful obedience to God having nothing whatever to do with love for her and in time the fruit of forgiveness will come.

I think your hurt and this focus on the mistress may be masking the anger which is due your husband. Also, you may feel too vulnerable to be truly angry with your husband, because of the children. I’ve been there, myself, but don’t kid yourself, darling, the anger’s probably there, alright, just waiting for the opportunity to explode or poison silently.

Get counseling, for both of you, and make an accountability partner a condition of continued reconciliation.

God’s blessings on your family,
V

 

[CarolNoel]

I had to work out forgiveness towards my ex-husband and the women he married.

I was pretty bitter until I realized I was letting her control me and my feelings.

In my heart I decided to say I forgive you and him and will pray for you both.

I will never like you, but I will do as Jesus said to love others as you love me.

My heart was at rest and she no longer had any control over me.

She died a few years ago from lung cancer and was a very unhappy person.

 

[EasterJoy]

I had to work out forgiveness towards my ex-husband and the women he married.

I was pretty bitter until I realized I was letting her control me and my feelings.

In my heart I decided to say I forgive you and him and will pray for you both.

I will never like you, but I will do as Jesus said to love others as you love me.

My heart was at rest and she no longer had any control over me.

She died a few years ago from lung cancer and was a very unhappy person.

That is a healthy way to deal with it. Sometimes toxic people do not seem to be much bothered by how miserable they make others, but either way it is better not to let bitterness drag you down.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think your hurt and this focus on the mistress may be masking the anger which is due your husband. Also, you may feel too vulnerable to be truly angry with your husband, because of the children. I’ve been there, myself, but don’t kid yourself, darling, the anger’s probably there, alright, just waiting for the opportunity to explode or poison silently.

Get counseling, for both of you, and make an accountability partner a condition of continued reconciliation.

God’s blessings on your family,
V

Excellent post.

 

[PhiloMed]

Another thing to consider-

Is it that you want to forgive her? Or you just want to forget her? It’s unlikely you will be able to do the latter. Maybe find a way that she is not intruding on your thoughts.

Also, is it forgiveness you seek or is it revenge? I’m sure you want to forgive your husband, but do you even want to forgive this woman? Or are the thoughts of just wanting harm to come her way so strong that you think it is forgiveness you need?

 

[ventura2323]

I may be posting this in the wrong spot, but I do not know where to post. I have been having a very difficult time with my husband having an affair, and although I am very hurt by his actions, forgiving him has not been very difficult. The problem is I have a lot of built up anger and resentment toward the other woman. I do not know how one could be so selfish. As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am. Please do not misunderstand, my husband is fully responsible for his own act of betrayal and selfishness, and I may not have forgiven him for everything he did during the affair, but I am working on it. However, I feel like his “mistress” could not have cared less for the pain she was putting me, our children and our unborn baby through, and for everything she took from me and my marriage (my confidence, our innocence, etc) and to point out, she was aware that he was married, had children, I was pregnant… I feel so much anger and jealously toward her. Ultimately my husband is here working on our marriage, but while he is putting forth effort in our marriage, I am harboring hard feelings. I don’t “want” to forgive her ever, but the truth is God loves us all, and how can I make the decision to hold on to this resentment when I really want to follow God. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, and carrying this woman with me is preventing me from being so. The thing is I don’t even know how to begin to forgive someone I have never met, who hurt me, my children, my marriage, God and because of the affair brought this much pain to my husband. Please be kind here, I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be for God, but I can’t take harsh criticism right now. Please sympathize with me here. Thank you.

I don’t understand why you are angry at a woman that your husband seduced.
You are blaming the wrong person. Your husband had an affair forgetting what it could do to his wife and children, all he cared about was himself.
You ask for sympathy, yet you have none for the mistress that your husband had an affair with and did to her what he did to you.
Now it is affecting how you can be the best mom while he goes scot-free .
I don’t know how you can even resume a personal relationship with him.
Perhaps it is the woman who needs sympathy for what he did to her.

You have to get over your anger at her for your sake and the sake of the children.
Stop blaming her for God’s sake.
Louise

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t understand why you are angry at a woman that your husband seduced.
You are blaming the wrong person. Your husband had an affair forgetting what it could do to his wife and children, all he cared about was himself.
You ask for sympathy, yet you have none for the mistress that your husband had an affair with and did to her what he did to you.
Now it is affecting how you can be the best mom while he goes scot-free .
I don’t know how you can even resume a personal relationship with him.
Perhaps it is the woman who needs sympathy for what he did to her.

You have to get over your anger at her for your sake and the sake of the children.
Stop blaming her for God’s sake.
Louise

If she wasn’t underage, it is hardly impossible that she is no less responsible than the husband. You certainly cannot know which of them initiated this affair or how the “blame” deserves to be spread around. Besides, the OP did not say her husband has returned to grace scot-free.

This stranger usurped her place. Good heavens, could you really imagine having an affair with a married man and expecting the wife to not feel jealous and angry with you? Unless you were so young as to be a child or he exploited a place of trust and power (such as a man who preyed upon a woman recently abandoned or a professor seducing a student), the chances are that she deserves some of the blame.

Forgiveness is not about finding the person free of blame. It is about eating go of the desire to see them get theirs for what they dished out to you. It is about learning to get the poison of bitterness and resentment out of your thought about them. After all, it is not as if we are to love only the enemies who have never really wronged us. In order to keep the offense from continually harming us, we have to let go of prosecuting it. That doesn’t mean pretending there was no offense.

 

[So_Loved]

Blessed:
I have never posted to this forum before but I feel I need to for you. I’ve been where you are. My Husband ( sadly, now my X) had many affairs while we were married and one while I was Pregnant. So when I say I know your pain, I do. It is normal to feel anger right now and I get why you are angrier at her than your husband. You were able to talk things thru with him but did not do that with the other woman and I don’t advise it. You don’t understand how one woman could do that to another. I get that. Some just don’t care. THey want what they want. You also so see her as a threat to your marriage and your family.
BUT, forgiveness is a process. It doesn’t happen over night. Right now you just need to ask God to give you the willlingness to forgive. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. You can make the decision to forgive and you may have to do it on a minute by minute basis. Your feelings will catch up but it takes a while. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Ask God to help you, He will.
You are in my prayers
So Loved

 

[So_Loved]

Blessed,
I would like to add that forgiveness is a letting go of the anger. You don’t have to like her, or be her friend or forget. Forgiving is not saying what they did is OK, but just letting it go, not holding on to it and get on with your life. Forgiveness is very freeing. A friend said that not forgiving is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.
So Loved