How to forgive my husband's mistress

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I am in your shoes. Like you I have never met the other woman. During the affair, a child was born to my husband and the other woman. In order to forgive my husband and the other woman, I have to keep reminding myself that God forgives us and expects us to be forgiving, as well. Like you I did NOT want to forgive. So, I asked God in prayer, day after day, night after night, to enable me to forgive because He would want me to do that. As time went on, I found myself forgiving both my husband and the other woman. But I also realized that giving forgiveness is not a one time thing. Sometimes angry thoughts that would come suddenly from the memory of those times would bring me back to anger and unforgiveness. I prayed again the same prayer to enable me to forgive. Then peace would engulf me. I continued to pray for my husband’s return to our marriage and home.
When my husband informed me that the other woman was pregnant, I told God that since He allowed this to happen, He has to enable me to love this child as our own 2 daughters. That child is now almost 8, and I have loved her like my own since I first held her in my arms when she was 4 weeks old. I have attended her baptism, and now her forthcoming First Holy Communion. I am active in her life, even though I have never met her mother.
After years of separation, divorce and my husband’s marriage to the other woman, my husband is now living alone and filing for divorce from the other woman. I still love my husband very, very much and continue to pray him home. We were married in the Catholic Church, and, therefore, we are still married in the eyes of God. My husband attends Mass regularly with us now, and for the first time, is able to receive communion.
You’ll be able to forgive because God can see that you want to follow Him. Ask God to enable you to do His will in this. Believe me, He’ll waste no time. Focus on what God can do. Don’t focus on what your husband can or can’t do, or what he will and won’t do. Keep your eyes on God and what He wants of you. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
I forgot to add, make sure you pray for the other woman. She needs your prayers. You don’t ever have to contact her because it won’t work. Leave it with God.
When my husband left, my Jewish neighbor said to me that whenever angry thoughts come to the forefront, ask God this, " Dear God, how can I serve you?" My neighbor said at that time that I wouldn’t understand what I was asking in the midst of my pain, but to continue to do so. And so I have, blessings and miracles have followed me, but most of all, the gift of peace whenever I need it most. Sure, I still get angry and frustrated, at times, because my husband has not returned yet. But God has His own time. I believe that this is the time that God is busy molding my husband and I to become the husband and wife He wanted us to be for each other. I sure feel God’s molding hands ! In order not to feel too much pain in the molding process, I have learned to become pliable in His hands.
Take yourself and your husband to Retrovaille. You both need new skills to make your marriage work. Look forward to learning things anew. God’s blessings with you both.
 
Petaro said:
You are indeed a very brave woman. Don’t be too hard on yourself as you move towards the fullness of forgiveness that Christ demands of us in His own forgiveness.
You are presently grieving for the loss of the innocence of your marriage. Grief takes time.
Forgiveness is indeed an act of the will, but there is much emotion attached to it in your situation. It is co-mingled with justifiable anger.
As grief takes time; so should you expect forgiveness.
You are, emphasis, are presently forgiving your husband, for a range of reasons from love through to expediency. Your husband is presently expiating his failure, as Jesus expects in forgiving us.
This woman shows no contrition, no understanding of her guilt.Indeed she does not care for you, your marriage, your unborn child; and strangely in truth, has no feelings for your husband. Only you have these which you are using to coal the fires and stir the embers. Accept those reciprocations from your own fool.
It is much harder to forgive such a woman, such a negative for all you cherish. As life releases grief to its own time; so forgiveness may come in its own time of acceptance.
Make the act of the will, and let time do the rest. I am sure Jesus would not demand more from such a courageous lady as yourself.
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I agree with Petaro. His/her response is kind and that is what you need right now.
 
First of all I want to say that my name is Rose K. and I can offer my comments only if my name is correctly mentioed
In spite of my writing this many many times, you are not doing anything. So I again request you.

Rose K.
 
Please correct my name. Even the just now offered comment is published by you not in my name Rose K., but nishkalank. Please please please correct

Rose K.
 
nishkalank said:
First of all I want to say that my name is Rose K. and I can offer my comments only if my name is correctly mentioed
In spite of my writing this many many times, you are not doing anything. So I again request you.

Rose K.
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:confused:
 
To forgive is not about the person who wronged you, it’s about no longer allowing that person to control your mind and your feelings. To forgive does not mean to forget, it means you are determined to put it behind you and get on with your life. To forgive a great offense may take much prayer and time, but it should not be dependent on the offender’s subsequent actions or lack of them (apology, repentance, restitution, etc.).
 
nishkalank said:
Please correct my name. Even the just now offered comment is published by you not in my name Rose K., but nishkalank. Please please please correct

Rose K.
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You have to go into your own profile to make changes, Go to the homepage and click on ACCOUNT…there are tabs there to edit your profile, but if it was made under “nishkalank” you may have to just set up a new username and account.
Hope this helps…maybe the mod can offer better advice.
Peace.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Wow that is pretty heavy. I have a couple observations.

One is that you were not married to the “other woman” you did not take vows and become one. You did not create life with her. If you can forgive your husband for the worse offense. (his is worse than hers from your perspective) then this should not be that much of an obstacle. I would also point out that God sets an example for us in our own path to forgiveness. To be forgiven as a Catholic in confession we must admit we did wrong, be sorry for it and make amends. Personally, that is the criteria that I use with others as well. God has perfect justice and perfect mercy. So I feel that following His example is a good way to start.

I would also like to mention that as a man, I am offended that many in our culture seem to excuse a man’s behavior as being just a man. Women on daytime shows get mad at the “other woman” so often and I never have understood that.

Was this woman a friend of yours, or a relative? I can see how that could cause the feelings you have but could it be that you find it easier to take the anger you have for your husband and are placing it on her a little bit? She is an adulteress. Yes. But you did not vow with her, you did not become one with her.
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^ this. exactly.
 
I am so sorry for your pain. I completely understand.
And please understand that you are getting advice here from some people who have not been through it, and don’t understand just how complex the recovery can be. The OW in my case was my closest friend, and she even used me to set up their meeting without me knowing. I was also pregnant during recovery (got preg the day before I found out). And our kids were best friends, my two girls and her two boys.
There are sooo many emotions involved with adultery. And how long ago you found out also matters.

Counseling is very important. Also, read books like After the Affair. There is also a yahoo group with some great links on it. Let me know if you need to link.

I have forgiven my husband, but am still personally trying to work on my journey to forgive my friend. She never accepted what she did was a crime against me and my marriage. And yes, I prayed for her. But I am also struggling with forgiveness.
My husband completely repented and made me number one (after faith) in his life. But forgiving him took years. Everyone recovers at different rates. Be kind to yourself!!

And people that think you shouldn’t be mad, especially at her, are (IMO) crazy. Recovery comes in stages, like grief. Anger is one of them. And you have every right to be angry at her. She chose to destroy a marriage. Making her a victim is sick. Is she not an adult?

I pray that you are given strength during this hard time. The first thing I grabbed when I found out (after kicking him out) was my rosary. Praying can really help!!
(((hugs)))
 
Blessedwith3,
I am in solidarity with you and with a number of others who have shared on this thread. This is my first post and I’m joining to lend a voice and an ear and seek some for myself, as this has been the darkest period of my life. I’ll give a little blurb about my experience and then address your original request.

My wife and I struggled from the beginning over the common issues spouses do. After only five years married, we were both getting burned out and overworked and life just wasn’t working and we both knew it. We were and are still young (29 at that time, a few years ago) and our little girl was 2 and boy 6 months at the time). I was struggling with anxiety and depression and my wife had serious baggage too. She got crushingly overcritical and I often responded poorly and withdrew emotionally into my own little world. Eventually she asked for a separation, which I was shattered over, but I moved out and took it very seriously, doing a lot of work with counselors and my priests and psych to retool myself to be the husband and father I needed to be.

My wife invited me back into the home after a few months, but shortly it was revealed that she “had feelings for a coworker” for a long time and wanted to be with him. This was a “friend,” a guy I had been upset and concerned about for a few years. She told me nothing had happened between them and nothing would, which turned out of course to be a lie. Within a few weeks I accidentally discovered emails between them which were unmistakably affectionate. I called her home from work and I totally lost it. They had been sexually involved for at least a few months, or so she claimed at the time. She initially appeared contrite and indicated that now that the issue was out in the light, she wanted to reconcile with me. I recollected myself and forgave her that night.

We were both excited about putting our family back together and making a move. My wife planned, and I allowed it, to move back with her family with the children and get herself some help while I got the house sold and moved to be with them. Before she left, however, she turned tail and told me that just because we moved wouldn’t mean we would reconcile. I told her she had my forgiveness and my 100% commitment, and I wasn’t going to leave the state for anything but the same in return. I let her go because she needed help and I wanted her out of the state away from this guy, a married man 12 years her senior, with a three year old daughter of his own, a man who had already cheated on his wife before.

My wife moved, and I visited regularly and we lived as a family when I did. Things seemed good for a few months, but soon she restarted the affair at least in phone calls and emails, and by Feb of '13, I had divorce papers on my door despite my ceaseless offers to forgive, reconcile, move, reunite, and give these two little precious babies a family. My wife leveraged her family, their wealth, and a horrible, aggressive, unhinged lawyer to attempt to destroy me. The divorce trial ended in January of this year, and the judge declared the cause of the divorce “insupportibility” which means “irreconcilable differences” instead of adultery, because our legal system is laughably and hopelessly broken. In the course of the trial I also learned that my wife had been sexually involved with this guy almost a year before she had originally claimed… when she was pregnant with my son–what better cover? Now my wife is pursuing an annulment, which is a whole other thread waiting to happen… I have some major issues with that too.

Anyway, I’m sorry that was long, but I needed to get it out. Regarding forgiveness of the affair partner, I have just a couple things to say. First, I would gently encourage you to be thankful that your husband is even remotely interested in repairing your marriage and keeping your family together, as I and many others are not that fortunate.

Second, I’ll share the way I’ve dealt with my feelings and the concept of forgiveness towards this man. Honestly, although he still has his family, and my wife greatly desires him rather than me, I have a great deal of pity for him. He is older and more experienced than I, but his life really is in shambles given the heinous deeds he has perpetrated on his family now multiple times. I know that I am in a much better place mentally and spiritually (due overwhelmingly to grace and a tiny shred to my own will) than this man and than my own wife. I do pray for him and his family, and I am glad I am not him although I’m in a really hard place too. The fact is that to get to where he is and where my wife is, things had to be really bad for them inside and out. It’s important to be realistic about the situations of the people involved and not create a fantasy in your head where everyone is happy and well-off except you. I say this as much for myself as for you!

Please keep my wife, my little babies, and myself in your prayers, I will return it and lift up all those on this thread and on the board.

Thank you,
-RafalPrayForUs
 
I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What she did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion
 
Dear RafalPrayForUs,

I was moved while reading your heartfelt story. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this pain. I’m also going through a very deep pain from my husband’s recent betrayal and even a deeper pain from his selfish and immature words and actions after the affair. I’m also trying very hard to keep my family and like you have, I’ve admitted my part of the problem in our marriage and have been giving him my 100% and more. My number one reason is for our precious daughter who only deserves a loving home with mommy and daddy. The next few months will be very difficult as he started a new job out of state. I’m praying that his heart will turn around and commit to do the right thing and cherish his family.
I have a lot to say, but too much to write here at the moment.
It hurts so much…
 
darkdays said:
Dear RafalPrayForUs,

I was moved while reading your heartfelt story. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this pain. I’m also going through a very deep pain from my husband’s recent betrayal and even a deeper pain from his selfish and immature words and actions after the affair. I’m also trying very hard to keep my family and like you have, I’ve admitted my part of the problem in our marriage and have been giving him my 100% and more. My number one reason is for our precious daughter who only deserves a loving home with mommy and daddy. The next few months will be very difficult as he started a new job out of state. I’m praying that his heart will turn around and commit to do the right thing and cherish his family.

I have a lot to say, but too much to write here at the moment.
It hurts so much…
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This thread has been inactive since February. It isn’t likely that the original poster (OP) is still checking it.
 
blessedwith3 said:
I may be posting this in the wrong spot, but I do not know where to post. I have been having a very difficult time with my husband having an affair, and although I am very hurt by his actions, forgiving him has not been very difficult. The problem is I have a lot of built up anger and resentment toward the other woman. I do not know how one could be so selfish. As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am. Please do not misunderstand, my husband is fully responsible for his own act of betrayal and selfishness, and I may not have forgiven him for everything he did during the affair, but I am working on it. However, I feel like his “mistress” could not have cared less for the pain she was putting me, our children and our unborn baby through, and for everything she took from me and my marriage (my confidence, our innocence, etc) and to point out, she was aware that he was married, had children, I was pregnant… I feel so much anger and jealously toward her. Ultimately my husband is here working on our marriage, but while he is putting forth effort in our marriage, I am harboring hard feelings. I don’t “want” to forgive her ever, but the truth is God loves us all, and how can I make the decision to hold on to this resentment when I really want to follow God. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, and carrying this woman with me is preventing me from being so. The thing is I don’t even know how to begin to forgive someone I have never met, who hurt me, my children, my marriage, God and because of the affair brought this much pain to my husband. Please be kind here, I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be for God, but I can’t take harsh criticism right now. Please sympathize with me here. Thank you.
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Well as far as I understand it takes 2 to tango so it wasn’t all just her. 🤷
 
Of course, it’s both the husband and the OW…it’s such a cruel offense done by both of them and there is nothing that can justify their immoral and selfish acts. However, I understand her being able to forgive her husband easier. I, too, am in the same boat as her and that’s how I found this site. I’m left with powers to kick the OW from her divinity school as I have evidence of her despicable conducts and messages. I do not wish to use them and humiliate her publicly because I don’t want to revenge and that’s not the example I want to set for my precious daughter, who is the reason for forgiving my husband and dedicating myself to our marriage. More than anything, I want her to have a loving home with mommy and daddy because that’s what she deserves! However, I feel strongly that the OW shouldn’t be left free to become a leader/teacher in church without any remorse or consequence. I’m thinking of calling a meeting with the academic dean and her for an informal charge of grievance, so she can see the person whom she willfully caused incredible pains face to face. I think this will also allow me to have some sort of closure and move on with my life. Thoughts anyone?
 
darkdays said:
Dear RafalPrayForUs,

I was moved while reading your heartfelt story. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this pain. I’m also going through a very deep pain from my husband’s recent betrayal and even a deeper pain from his selfish and immature words and actions after the affair. I’m also trying very hard to keep my family and like you have, I’ve admitted my part of the problem in our marriage and have been giving him my 100% and more. My number one reason is for our precious daughter who only deserves a loving home with mommy and daddy. The next few months will be very difficult as he started a new job out of state. I’m praying that his heart will turn around and commit to do the right thing and cherish his family.
I have a lot to say, but too much to write here at the moment.
It hurts so much…
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Hey darkdays,
I’m still here! I do thank you very much for your response. I was actually bummed there were few responses over several months, but yours came at a good time for me.

First, I want to offer you a ton of encouragement for your commitment and forgiveness for your husband. Praise God, in all this unbelievable mess, that is a beautiful thing. That is an amazing witness to your daughter, also. Regarding our children and the families, I am totally with you. We are grown adults who owe our babies a complete and happy home for them to grow in. I believe that my wife and any other spouse who breaks a household is literally stealing one of the most valuable earthly gifts from their children. At the end of the day, I know that I will be okay through this, I am a man who with God can very much stand on his own and care for others. The children are the ones who will suffer incalculably and unless there is a miracle change of heart in my wife, will grow up never even remembering having had a family. I know that every day those children wake up in a home without their daddy, almost irreversible damage is done to them. I am spending very little time feeling sorry for myself anymore, in light of their plight. I believe it is our responsibility to suck it up and make it work for them. Love is a choice. Lifelong marriages are not built on emotion or chemistry. We all need to get with the program. I am more than willing to accept what has been done and put the past behind us and I am glad you are too.

The fact is that marriage and families are in a really sad state, especially in the US. I have done a great deal of reading and learning in the last three years since this started going down. We’re all familiar with the 50%+ divorce statistics. One thing that blew my mind are the statistics on adultery. I read in Dr. Shirley Glass’ book on affairs and recovering from them entitled “Not Just Friends,” (buy it, great book!) that the actual rates of adultery in the US are a staggering 50% of married men and 25-35% of married women cheat over the lifetime of their marriage. As might be expected, the vast majority of affairs occur between coworkers because men and women are in situations now that they largely weren’t before the late 1960s.

Regarding your ability to have some influence on the fate of the OW, I agree generally about avoiding public humiliation in this case without a good specific reason, but if you have some discreet way to expose this situation professionally, I would absolutely do it. What was done to you and your family is not acceptable in any way and transcends the privacy of the family. If you can do anything that may lead to this NOT happening to someone else, I think you should.

With prayers for your family,
-RafalPrayForUs
 
Viewing from purely secular angle, the victim has legal solutions. However being a Catholic and a believer in Jesus and His Church,things are entirely different. Though you can proceed for annulment on account of husband’s adulterous life, you have the spark of divine presence in your heart and you were lavish in forgiving him and in wishing to restore normal life. Yes, it is great and let us praise the Holy Spirit.
You are right that the woman has intruded in your sacred family and played devil. Your husband too is equally or more at fault, but you were willing to forgive and forget. Our Good Lord never encourages discrimination in the virtue of forgiveness. We are required to forgive the most heinous, most horrible offences So consider her , her sinful behaviour and the intense pain she gave to you and the family and seek God’s special blessings on her to repent and convert. Try to restore your family togetherness in all sincerity and in great prayerful life. There is nothing impossible for God. May you and your loving husband be blessed abundantly to lead a wonderful life with your children who are gifts of our Loving Father Almighty.You area sister and I pray for you.
 
Dear RafalPrayForUs,

You are a great family man, who not only is able to admit his mistakes, but actually has worked hard to fix and get better to save his family. I only wish my husband shared the same kind of moral values, responsibility, and courage like you! I am also terribly sorry for your young children. Your daughter must be close to my daughter’s age. Mine is six and it breaks my heart.

My husband, who now works at a new job in another state, has told me last week that the memories from his affair are haunting him and that he doesn’t love me anymore. I have no way of knowing if he’s contacting the other woman again or not…I won’t be surprised if he is. I don’t care much about my hurts, but the fact that he wants to leave his own daughter(even if he promises to stay involved in her life) to pursue his selfish happiness and the other woman, tears me apart. Few days ago, I had written to him my last email, pleading him one more time to keep our daughter in our utmost priority. With that email, I have done everything I can without using threats to keep my family. I am completely exhausted and there is nothing I can do anymore. I expect him to reply again with his desire to leave us and when he does, that will be the end. God knows, our counselor knows, and I can tell my daughter without any hesitance, that I did everything I could to keep her daddy for her and with that I’m at peace with myself. I am now going to direct all my energy in protecting my daughter and supporting her bright future.

It’s been a long suffering for me, being married to a selfish, sarcastic, and an immature man. I’d been the breadwinner all of our marriage and worked myself like a dog.
Though I have evidence of his most indecent acts with the other woman, I am not going to expose him. I will respect him as our daughter’s father and continue to encourage my daughter to build a good relationship with her daddy.

As for the other woman who shamelessly destroyed a family and changing my daughter’s life forever, I will seek justice through legal and proper courses.

As you say, LOVE IS A CHOICE.

Stay Strong!
Darkdays
 
Dear Blessedwith3,

I’m sorry for the pain and heartache you have experienced. I think you are strong and courageous to have forgiven your husband. I too have been cheated on and it took an immense amount of soul searching and diving deep into my heart to stay in the relationship and rebuild. Communication was key for us - he and I talked anytime I felt angry or had questions. We’ve had many heavy discussions about his betrayal.
I’m all about spirtitual growth and after about a year and a half, I decided to email the mistress (I’ve met her once before the affair and have never had contact prior to my emailing her). I chose to email her on International Women’s Day and I offered her forgiveness and wished her health, happiness and peace. I told her I needed to reach out and wish her well in order to spiritually grow and put the painful betrayal behind me. She never responded which is what I expected. (Cowards rarely do the right thing).

When someone cheats, they compromise their integrity, principles and values. There is something broken in their life and you must dig deep to show empathy and to find the learning lesson for YOU. Maybe you need to experience this in order to learn tolerance or forgiveness. Remember, this woman has nothing to do with your personal relationship with your husband. Pity her and please stop feeling jealous and anger. It’s not going to change the situation and it’ll make you feel terrible. Focus on the present - literally each day, each hour and be kind to yourself.
When I think of her and start feeling hostility, I change my thought pattern quickly to someone that I love or I reach out to my husband or daughter and tell them how amazing they are. I react with the opposite and it works for me and i think of her less and less often. It will be OK and you will get through this. You’re a special soul and you make the world a better place.
 
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