How to forgive... without receiving an apology

[Em_in_FL]

I’ve run into this situation several times in life and would love your perspective…

Now, I make mistakes (often) and honestly I’m quick to apologize. I hate having any sort of upset or misunderstanding with anyone.
If I’ve been wronged and receive an apology - I forgive quickly - I just move on.

But I’m struggling with the situation where I’ve been wronged, but then do not receive an apology - or even a willingness to understand what went wrong.
For example - if a misunderstanding occurs and I’ve been wronged, I’ll sometimes just hear “Okay… whatever… I’m sorry. Are you happy now?”… and no, I’m not happy.
I’ll drop forgiveness on anyone who asks!, but when the apology (if there is one at all) doesn’t seem *sincere *I have a very difficult time. I hate carrying the weight of wanting someone to apologize, when they just simply don’t get it… I guess they just don’t understand that they’ve hurt me, kwim? It sends me into anxiety attacks that I just hate dealing with…

Any advice on moving forward and forgiving in those situations? Thanks.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I feel the same way as you do…Sometimes I get the whole “I’M SORRY OK! THERE!” Kind of attitude after being wronged…And it hurts a lot…It makes you doubt things towards that person and it doesn’t feel good. BUT I come here to the forums, or read the Bible or pray, or talk to someone Catholic about it, and I feel a lot better and can forgive and move on…

Another thing that just helps is venting out…Sometimes all you need is to vent and then you feel so much better…Even without anyone giving you any advice…You automatically feel a lot better and can think more clearly and can find a way to move on and the solution to the issue…

So hopefully after venting here you will feel a lot better…

Takes a while sometimes a bit longer than others but let me tell you once you feel the peace that comes from forgiving even without them meaning it, things feel better…And you can embrace what God has given you…peace…and love.

God bless and good luck…

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi Em–so sorry you’re hurting.

You know, an example in my own life comes to mind with my ‘ex’ BIL. He never officially said he was sorry for treating me badly in my teen years, but I forgave. And I think forgiveness is not only a way to reconcile hurts with another person, but it frees us from holding onto pains that weigh us down. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget, but it means that you are not going to let the pain of the situation hold you hostage, so to speak, where it’s all you can dwell on. My husband has two brothers who have been on non speaking terms for years…and the one brother did apologize, but the other refuses to give in, thinking he is somehow hurting the other brother, but really, he is only holding himself in bondage to the grudge.

It also depends on who hurt you. If it was your husband, and he doesn’t see that you’re hurting, and wants to act like what he did is meaningless, “get over it” kind of apology, that takes a bit more to deal with. (since you live together lol!) But, overall, I think forgiveness is about letting go of the bondage that the offense has over us.

Let it go, and pray that God will bring about a peaceful reconciliation between the two of you. Just my two cents. *

 

[SMHW]

I’ve run into this situation several times in life and would love your perspective…
But I’m struggling with the situation where I’ve been wronged, but then do not receive an apology - or even a willingness to understand what went wrong.
.
.
.

Any advice on moving forward and forgiving in those situations? Thanks.

I’m going to be really analytical here for a moment.

You can only forgive a debt of some kind. In order to forgive you first have to be aware of the natural “cost” of the transgression if you were required to practice “an eye for an eye”. Would you knock over the other person’s cup of coffee? Would you take the other person’s place in line? Would you want credit when the other person does something which deserves praise? Sometimes the price is just a sincere, “I’m sorry.”

If you decide that you are willing to forgo the price for the transgression then you have forgiven. But the “I’m sorry,” debt can be the hardest to forgive. It makes us *feel *like we are cheating ourselves. And our feelings don’t forgive; at best, feelings fade or are overshadowed by some new feelings.

When we struggle to forgive I think we mostly mean that we struggle to feel like we have forgiven. If we generally like the person we wish to forgive then usually time takes care of the matter. But if the other person is actually dangerous to us (and many people are dangerous, however trivial that danger might be) then feeling like we have forgiven might mean we first have to acknowledge and mourn for the safe relationship we must live without.

 

[HouseArrest]

I often notice that some people say “I’m sorry” without actually using those words. I’m having trouble recalling a specific example right now. Is the “I’m sorry then, are you happy now?!?” ever followed by a words that indicate that the person really is sorry?

 

[gospachild]

I f this behavior happens a lot, where your feelings are invalidated, you may want to look into these issues.

counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

see basic rights in a relationship.
with prayers

 

[Rascalking]

If Jews in the holocaust can forgive the people who did unspeakable things to them without receving an apology…we all can too.

I know it’s easiser said then done, but that quote makes sense.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I’ve run into this situation several times in life and would love your perspective…

Now, I make mistakes (often) and honestly I’m quick to apologize. I hate having any sort of upset or misunderstanding with anyone.
If I’ve been wronged and receive an apology - I forgive quickly - I just move on.

But I’m struggling with the situation where I’ve been wronged, but then do not receive an apology - or even a willingness to understand what went wrong. …
Any advice on moving forward and forgiving in those situations? Thanks.

I heard a great homily once related to your question. The priest said something along the lines that “forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself.” He recalled the words to the Our Father, “forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Forgiveness isn’t just something for the other person–it’s for you. It helps you to let go of the hurt. That’s much harder to do if the person doesn’t apologize or even recognize he/she has hurt you, but by* not* forgiving them the hurt lingers longer. You can* choose* to hold onto the hurt or to let it go.

I don’t think forgiving always mean completely forgetting. If someone repeatedly wrongs you and then doesn’t care about your feelings enough to apologize, you don’t have to keep putting yourself in situations where you get hurt again and again. You can learn from the experience and perhaps you can make some changes. It’s easier to forgive and put the hurt behind you if the problem doesn’t keep re-occuring in different forms.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I heard a great homily once related to your question. The priest said something along the lines that “forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself.” He recalled the words to the Our Father, “forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Forgiveness isn’t just something for the other person–it’s for you. It helps you to let go of the hurt. That’s much harder to do if the person doesn’t apologize or even recognize he/she has hurt you, but by* not* forgiving them the hurt lingers longer. You can* choose* to hold onto the hurt or to let it go.

I don’t think forgiving always mean completely forgetting. If someone repeatedly wrongs you and then doesn’t care about your feelings enough to apologize, you don’t have to keep putting yourself in situations where you get hurt again and again. You can learn from the experience and perhaps you can make some changes. It’s easier to forgive and put the hurt behind you if the problem doesn’t keep re-occuring in different forms.

Thank you… That’s very helpful, I appreciate it!

 

[TeresaAnn]

Thanks for posting the question Em, it’s something I struggle with too. I realize the great benefit to ourselves that forgiving others gives us.

What about past wrongs… like in the case of child abuse and the person is now dead? I realize, we can forgive them and pray for their souls. I just feel that is not always something we can control. No matter how much we want to. For example… I just started seeing a therapist who thinks that I need to go back and deal with this abuse so that I can let it go. He feels this and many other things I have been shoving down inside me for years are the cause of my current depression. I’m not sure I agree, but it can’t hurt. I say that because from the moment my parents found out about it I never saw the person again and I didn’t ever cry about it, talk about it and hardly thought about it. (I have since found out that I had a number of people praying for God to protect me from further damage and he did). So, we start a type of therapy and for the first time, I started bawling and saying that I “hate” this person. I have “forgiven” this person in my prayers many many times over the years. It now sounds to me that it was just wishful thinking.

I want to forgive, I usually sincerely forgive easily, I don’t know how to sincerely forgive this person.

 

[KathyA]

Dr. Ray Guarendi had a GREAT monologue on this topic today.

avemariaradio.net/archiveListen.php?file=di_20090630

Kathy

 

[HouseArrest]

I know it can be difficult to carry on like everything’s normal with a person after an argument or disagreement when there hasn’t been an apology. Could that be part of the problem? Maybe the forgiveness is not as much of an issue as carrying on as everything is normal.

Just a guess.

I have been in a situation where another person and I probably both needed to apologize to each other for an honest misunderstanding. I apologized, the other person rubbed my face in it. It was never discussed again, and it’s very difficult to carry on with this person.

 

[flyingfish]

Forgiveness is about you letting go of the grudge and anger, it is for you, not for the offending party.

As for what might help, maybe understanding why the person behaved that way. Maybe there are mitigating factors that will help you. But even if there are not, focus on what is best for you, and moving on.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I too have this issue in my life. What to do when you are grievously wounded, but the other person not only isn’t sorry, they don’t even admit what they are doing and CONTINUE DOING IT! And it’s malicious. Do you forgive? At what point does turning the other cheek turn into becoming a darn fool?

Well, if you are in danger, remove yourself from contact with that person. If their transgression involves stealing or some such issue, protect your valuables from them.

If it’s verbal or insults, limit your contact.

Once you protect yourself from their ability to further hurt you, then you have to work on yourself. At this point, all I can say is WWJD?

What did Jesus do? He didn’t wait for an apology. He didn’t wait for sorrow or contrition. He showed us the example. A really really hard one. He was hanging on the cross and they were in the process of crucifying Him, mocking Him, spitting at Him and watching Him suffer and die. What did He do? He asked God to forgive them because they obviously had no idea what they were doing. He didn’t wait for an apology. He forgave them while the injury was ongoing.

Hard stuff. But we are called to imitate Him.

He put everything in God’s hands. He let them do their worst. And Good triumphed over evil in the end. Where are the people who did that to Him now? Where is He? In 50 years, where will the person be who is injuring you? Where do you want to be? I want to be with Christ. The way to do that is to start following Him now. As hard as it is. Yes. It’s hard. Ask for His help. It’s all we can do.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I too have this issue in my life. What to do when you are grievously wounded, but the other person not only isn’t sorry, they don’t even admit what they are doing and CONTINUE DOING IT! And it’s malicious. Do you forgive? At what point does turning the other cheek turn into becoming a darn fool?

Well, if you are in danger, remove yourself from contact with that person. If their transgression involves stealing or some such issue, protect your valuables from them.

If it’s verbal or insults, limit your contact.

Once you protect yourself from their ability to further hurt you, then you have to work on yourself. At this point, all I can say is WWJD?

What did Jesus do? He didn’t wait for an apology. He didn’t wait for sorrow or contrition. He showed us the example. A really really hard one. He was hanging on the cross and they were in the process of crucifying Him, mocking Him, spitting at Him and watching Him suffer and die. What did He do? He asked God to forgive them because they obviously had no idea what they were doing. He didn’t wait for an apology. He forgave them while the injury was ongoing.

Hard stuff. But we are called to imitate Him.

He put everything in God’s hands. He let them do their worst. And Good triumphed over evil in the end. Where are the people who did that to Him now? Where is He? In 50 years, where will the person be who is injuring you? Where do you want to be? I want to be with Christ. The way to do that is to start following Him now. As hard as it is. Yes. It’s hard. Ask for His help. It’s all we can do.

Very beautiful and good points… thank you!

 

[choose_to_love]

The Brooklyn Confession: I’m sorry, a’right!

Em: Powerful book on forgiving when there’s no apology is “Left To Tell” by Imaculee’ Ilibagiza, and her experience in the Rwandan genocide. It’s fairly short and so it’s manageable.

 

[shannyk]

I heard a great homily once related to your question. The priest said something along the lines that "forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself

." He recalled the words to the Our Father, “forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Forgiveness isn’t just something for the other person–it’s for you. It helps you to let go of the hurt. That’s much harder to do if the person doesn’t apologize or even recognize he/she has hurt you, but by* not* forgiving them the hurt lingers longer. You can* choose* to hold onto the hurt or to let it go.

I don’t think forgiving always mean completely forgetting. If someone repeatedly wrongs you and then doesn’t care about your feelings enough to apologize, you don’t have to keep putting yourself in situations where you get hurt again and again. You can learn from the experience and perhaps you can make some changes. It’s easier to forgive and put the hurt behind you if the problem doesn’t keep re-occuring in different forms.

I will add to this that we are commanded to forgive, so it’s not something we can rightfully withhold. I think forgiving is about resigning these things to God rather than giving the offender something he should get. There are many references in scripture about forgiveness and non that I cant think of say ‘forgive us our sins as we forgive those after they apologize’. Of course apologizing is the right thing to do, but it’s not a prerequisite for forgiveness.

Far more typical I think than someone not apologizing is someone not even acknowledging or realizing they’ve wronged you. Additionally , there are the times when people feel their wrongs, grave wrongs, are justified. Jesus on the cross pleading ‘forgive them Father for they know not what they do’ is a perfect example of this.

 

[graceandglory]

I often notice that some people say “I’m sorry” without actually using those words. I’m having trouble recalling a specific example right now. Is the “I’m sorry then, are you happy now?!?” ever followed by a words that indicate that the person really is sorry?

I received one of these recently.
Here are the words.

“I owe you an apology…”

And I’m thinking, “yeah, you do!”
and I wait…

and apparently, a lot of people think that “I owe you an apology” means the same as
“I’m sorry that I _______, will you forgive me?”

From the age of 2, I taught my children the formula for apologizing and asking forgiveness (reconciliation)… How very “Catholic” of me as a good protestant evangelical mom at the time!

 

[graceandglory]

I’ll drop forgiveness on anyone who asks!, but when the apology (if there is one at all) doesn’t seem sincere I have a very difficult time. I hate carrying the weight of wanting someone to apologize, when they just simply don’t get it… I guess they just don’t understand that they’ve hurt me, kwim? It sends me into anxiety attacks that I just hate dealing with…
**
Any advice on moving forward and forgiving in those situations? Thanks.

Only cause you asked, and I don’t know you…

I was abused as a child. My mom was very sick. I was able to forgive her, because she truly did not know what she was doing. She was mentally incapable of acting any other way.
(My own issues)
So I married an abusive man. He is in his right mind, yet still cruel and abusive. No apology, ever, for anything, end of story, I always made him do it.

How to forgive? I dunno. “Let Go and Let God,” I guess.

How to move forward… how to get beyond the anxiety attacks…
Maybe a 12 steps group or study. Maybe short term counseling for trauma and learning to deal with the obsessive thoughts that cause the anxiety attacks.
Only you know how debilitating it is.

You can get past it.

:console:

 

[Salonika]

Em in Fl:

But I’m struggling with the situation where I’ve been wronged, but then do not receive an apology - or even a willingness to understand what went wrong.
For example - if a misunderstanding occurs and I’ve been wronged, I’ll sometimes just hear “Okay… whatever… I’m sorry. Are you happy now?”… and no, I’m not happy1

I’m not happy in this situation either as I feel that the apology is rather off – that the person is apologising for upsetting/annoying me not that they regret what they said/did.
/Em in Fl:

. I hate carrying the weight of wanting someone to apologize, when they just simply don’t get it.

Again I identify with this. And sometimes it isn’t that I want an apology for what was said but for their thoughtlessness in saying what they said (and I feel the same way when they say to someone else).

Think this is why it is so important for us to forgive as if we don’t we can end up carrying a double burden – what was said or done to us and the lack of an apology.

whatevergirl:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget, but it means that you are not going to let the pain of the situation hold you hostage, so to speak, where it’s all you can dwell on. My husband has two brothers who have been on non speaking terms for years…and the one brother did apologize, but the other refuses to give in, thinking he is somehow hurting the other brother, but really, he is only holding himself in bondage to the grudge.

Very well put both about the burden we can carry when we don’t forgive and that forgiving does not mean forgetting what happened, especially if it is repetitive. By forgiving we are not giving the other person the invitation, or right, to repeat their behaviour.

Also think Gardenwithkids puts it well in their June 30 post.

TheresaAnn:

So, we start a type of therapy and for the first time, I started bawling and saying that I “hate” this person. I have “forgiven” this person in my prayers many many times over the years. It now sounds to me that it was just wishful thinking.

Think sometimes we get the gift of not being asked to do more than we can deal with at the time. So maybe the type/amount of forgiveness you gave the perpetrator years ago was as far as you could go then. Now you are ready to go further. Best wishes on this new step along the path to recovery and forgiveness.

Liberanosamalo:

What to do when you are grievously wounded, but the other person not only isn’t sorry, they don’t even admit what they are doing and CONTINUE DOING IT! And it’s malicious. Do you forgive? At what point does turning the other cheek turn into becoming a darn fool?

Well, if you are in danger, remove yourself from contact with that person. If their transgression involves stealing or some such issue, protect your valuables from them.

If it’s verbal or insults, limit your contact.

Once you protect yourself from their ability to further hurt you, then you have to work on yourself. At this point, all I can say is WWJD?

Some more good advice.