StrugglingC,
I’m not sure this is about forgiveness as much as putting too much emphasis on her disrespectful opinion of you. Yes, you need to forgive her, but until her opinion is less important to you, I’m not sure how easy it will be for you to let go of her comments.
I know this is difficult, especially when it seems your self-esteem has already taken a lot of hits, but it would perhaps be best for everyone if you stop focusing on what she thinks of you. You may not even realize you’re doing it, but that’s what it sounds like. (And I apologize in advance if I’m way off, it’s just that a lot of what you said sounds so similar to my past.) I also think your husband needs to stand up for you and not allow her to criticize you in his presence, but you cannot force him to do that. So let’s focus on what you can do.
It’s much harder to forgive someone if you keep putting yourself in a position where they can (and are likely to) hurt you again and again–that is to say, you’re* letting her get to you. It’s a choice. The good news is, you can also choose* not **to let her criticisms get to you. Yes, it’s a decision, albeit not always an easy one!
Perhaps she has little respect for you because you seem to have little respect for yourself. I hope that didn’t come out wrong; my intent is not to excuse her behavior, nor to criticize you–in fact, I struggle with this myself. (A lot.) I really want people to like me, to respect me, and to appreciate me. But I’ve found that doing things (or not doing things) in order to please someone else (or being too worried about what they think of my choices) just ends up making BOTH them and me respect me* less*.
When I make what I believe is the right choice, I may be criticized–I have to learn to accept that. I try to remember that others are entitled to their opinion–but** that doesn’t automatically make them right and me wrong.** I have to remind myself that people sometimes criticize only because they didn’t get to make the decision themselves (even if it’s not their decision to make)!
Also, please be careful. Some of the things you said worry me. When someone’s opinion becomes overly important to you, every perceived criticism eats away at your self-esteem (and when she’s complimenting someone else, you may perceive it as, “she thinks that person is better than me.”). If you put too much emphasis on what she thinks of you, then you may be (or may start) putting her opinion on a pedestal–above yourself, your husband… perhaps even above God. I know this from experience.
It starts as a small, nagging doubt… “I suppose if I do this, X will have something to say about it. Maybe I should do that instead… at least then, X won’t be quite so critical.” And then it slowly grows into a distraction… “Honey, what did X have to say about me when you saw her today? No, please tell me, I won’t get upset.” And eventually, it grows into doubt, jealousy, and insecurity. “I can’t believe she criticized my housekeeping even though I just cleaned before she came over. And yet last week, she complimented Y on her cooking! Y can’t boil water without burning it!”
The problem is, when I consider X’s opinion first and most important, I often** forget to consider God’s will for me.** Focusing on God’s will will help you to put her opinion aside and make decisions you are happy with, even if she’s not. You can’t put both God’s will and X’s first at the same time–one must come before the other. Which will it be?
HTH. Prayers for you!
