How to Forgive

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I am recently coming off the end of a relationship. I was with a man who I thought I would marry (He was very career driven, successful, a practicing Catholic, and seemed kind and generous). However, I am grateful that with time, his true personality and motivations came through and the relationship ended. It has been a difficult few months since the split, but for the most part, I have been able to pick myself up from the heartbreak, see him and things for what they really were, and begin the journey to emotional and spiritual healing. From this relationship, I learned what I will not tolerate: I will not tolerate a man who calls me names and puts me down when he becomes angry, I will not tolerate a man who will make a joke at my expense in front of his friends, I will not tolerate a man who pressures me to hurry up and make a huge, life-changing decision, and then abandons me when I don’t choose the one he wants. I will not tolerate a man who will not make me or our relationship a priority in his life. The list could go on and on…

What I am struggling with the most is learning how to forgive. To release the anger I have towards him for all the hurtful, cruel things he said while we were together and for the resentment I still hold because he could never make me or the relationship a priority. I know that I need to forgive because holding on to this anger is consuming. I know that forgiving needs to be done because “it release the real prisoner of anger… me”. Internally, my mind understands this. But what I have a hard time controlling is feeling angry about how he treated and spoke to me, and the deep wounds he created by abandoning me at a time when I really needed him the most.

There has been no contact since the split (thank goodness, because I needed it for my recovery); I just feel like I cannot relinquish this anger I have.

Any suggestions or helpful advice on how to start this process of forgiving?

Thank you all.
 
red0207 said:
Any suggestions or helpful advice on how to start this process of forgiving?

Thank you all.
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When you feel angry, remind yourself how lucky you are you didn’t marry this bloke. Then smile and be happy you found out now, not later, just what kind of bloke he really is. Focus on the lucky escape you’ve had, not the hurt. The hurt will eventually fate, it always does, but the lucky escape you’ve had allows you to go forward in your life, meet the right bloke for you, and eventually settle down and live happily ever after. He’s done you a favour. Remind yourself of that. You could have been saddled with him and be in a world of real hurt and misery right now.
 
I am sorry for the end of the relationship and the hurt you endured. What I try to do is remember that the depth of the pain someone causes me is reflective of the pain they have towards themselves, even if they hide it well.

Secondly, I pray for the other person to have everything I want for myself: Peace, friendship, true love, freedom from fear, resolution of past hurts, etc… It sometimes takes a while but eventually I release my anger towards them.
 
Wow, this sounds like how a relationship I ended a year ago was, and I too struggled with anger for a long time. For the most part, now I just feel relief that I can choose not to have this cruel person in my company.

Part of it is time. You said the relationship ended recently, and it sounds like you cared for him deeply if you are this hurt now. You are grieving, and anger is part of the process. The key is to actually grieve, rather than perpetuate the anger by reliving it in your mind. When you finish grieving you will be able to see him in a more forgiving light.

I read something that really helped me, and maybe it can help you: you’ll know that you are not grieving if you don’t feel a period of anguish (like a crying period) followed by relief. Instead if you are just reliving the events in your mind, you will feel more anger afterward rather than relief. All this does is perpetuate the attachment to this guy, which in turn, refreshes the hurt and anger. Part of your anger may also be self-directed, that you gave your heart to someone cruel and undeserving.

When you feel that physical anguish, focus your attention on the physical sensation of it, rather than engaging the mind. It really does work. It sounds new-agey (which I am NOT), but when I would feel my chest tighten and my mind start to wander to thoughts, I would focus on the feeling in my chest and breath into it, and that would keep my mind from engaging those angry thoughts. Doing this over and over again helped release the anger, which in turn helped me find peace and forgiveness.
 
sometimes the hardest person to forgive is oneself. Forgiveness is not a feeling but an act of the will. Focus first on forgiving yourself for getting involved with him and refocus on the fact that you didn’t marry him and broke it off. When you feel the anger towards him, refocus yourself that you forgive yourself and then him and that you are no longer together and that you dodged a major bullet. You might not “feel” forgiveness but pray and it may take a number of times that you forgive him and then yourself. If you can, try to spend some time in an adoration somewhere that will help with anger. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and don’t beat yourself up over him, (I think you are not trying to do that anyway).
 
I know exactly what you’re going through. Exactly!

It’s hard to look at someone the same after something like this. You need to forgive yourself first for your mistakes and offences. That’s no easy task, but give it time. Remember that there’s one relationship you can never destroy, and that’s your relationship with God!

Remember also what Jesus himself said. If you forgive your offenders, God will forgive you your offences. If you don’t forgive them, neither will He forgive you! Before you can truly move on from this, you need to look at your ex and put aside any ill feelings. What ultimately happened was God’s will, and He has a bigger and better plan for both of you. Don’t forget that.

You don’t need his blessing or approval to forgive him. If he refuses to treat the situation properly, then that’s his problem and there’s little you can do about it. Forgive him in your heart. Remember that he helped make you a better person in the end and that he just needs/needed someone specific to the kind of person he is. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you, and even if he doesn’t show it he’l be feeling sorry as well. Put aside your pride (that’s usually what it is) and forgive him. It might make you look like the weaker person, but in the end the truth is revealed!
 
Thank you all for your advice and words of encouragement. Really.

I know that in addition to forgiving my ex, I also need to forgive myself. As I reflect on some of the things I put up with, I become embarrassed and feel ashamed for sticking around as long as I did. From being called names, or being made a joke of in front of his friends, or him even saying that his project was more important than me because it would have his last name on it, and I may not… all of these were MAJOR red flags that I knew were significant problems, but yet, I did not walk away. He seemed like such a good catch, and I didn’t want to believe that he was finally revealing his true colors. I kept making up excuses for his behavior, telling myself he was just stressed out about work, worried about securing his career and his future. I even accepted his explanations and his apologies. In the end though, it just became too much.

When I pray, I do ask God to help me to forgive him. And ask God to let the Holy Spirit come upon him and transform his heart and his mind so that he can become a kinder, more loving person. I ask that God please give him peace, that he protect him from harm, and that he let him be happy in his life and in his career. There are days I tell God, I don’t want to pray this, but I know that I have to. Sometimes it is just a struggle to get the words/thoughts out.

I find that going to adoration helps. It keeps me focused and I feel like my requests are truly being handed over to God. I have set up a meeting to speak to my priest about my struggle to forgive, but that won’t be for a while. In the meantime, I will take what you have shared with me and put them to use.

Thank you and God bless each and everyone of you.
 
You’re very, very welcome 👍

It sounds like he has some issues he needs to deal with, but you should be more concerned with what you can do. Again, try to release all that hate you have for him. Although I can’t speak from the point of view of a girl, being a guy and all, but I can understand where you’re coming from having been in similar depression and hatred over an ended relationship. It might take time. It happened over a year ago for me and I’ve pretty much completely forgotten about it, moved on, no more hatred, although I understand things will never be the same between us again, there’s just too much tension that we keep our distance. I’ve extended my hand many times in forgiveness, and she’s refused it in the past. Maybe it’s harder for girls to forgive and forget, but the issue seems to be with their pride. She can’t stand the fact that I ended things so she wants to hold a lifetime grudge. That’s her choice, and it’s the wrong one, so don’t do the same thing, please 😃

Just remember that there’s someone out there for everyone. He wasn’t for you, but you shouldn’t hate him because of that. Maybe he just needs someone different, someone who’s equally career-minded or shows their love in a more subtle way. You shouldn’t judge him for that, everyone’s different.
 
This is a very good book for learning to forgive(among other things) - archive.org/details/theheartofthegos00donnuoft
the best reason to forgive is for God, and it is also the easiest way to forgive, but if you don’t want to read through that entire book, just go to the chapters “the wounded heart” and “the forgiving heart”…though i highly recommend reading the other chapters too, it’s not a very long book.
 
We forgive by asking God to help us forgive and by praying for all that is best and right (without specifying what that is) for the person who harmed us.

Resentment is poison for the soul. It doesn’t hurt the other person; but it kills us.

From the behaviors you described, it doesn’t sound like you lost a real prince. Be grateful you learned a lesson. There’s an old saying “Rejection is God’s protection.” Losing this relationship probably saved you from years of bad feelings and an eventual divorce.

Look to see what part your own behavior played in making things go wrong. Take steps to correct that.

God has something better in store for you.
 
Boy_Wonder said:
From the behaviors you described, it doesn’t sound like you lost a real prince. Be grateful you learned a lesson. There’s an old saying “Rejection is God’s protection.” Losing this relationship probably saved you from years of bad feelings and an eventual divorce.
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I’ve never heard of that saying, but I love it.

Its strange, but I never thought of the end of the relationship as being a blessing, or believing I was lucky to have been saved from an unhappy marriage, or possible divorce. I dwelled more on the fact that he was gone; that he’d left me. Thank you all for pointing it out.

I now believe that him leaving, and his rejection of the relationship really was God’s protection. Wow. I just find that strangely comforting. Although it has not been an easy journey, there was no other way that relationship would have ended. As I’d said, I thought I’d found the man I was going to marry.

I continue to pray for him and have put into place everything you all have shared with me. I am grateful for it all. Little by little, I am gaining strength and peace of mind, and slowly starting to believe that God knows what he is doing. I feel like I can start this journey of forgiveness and do it well.

Thank you all again for your words of encouragement and support. God bless you all.
 
red0207 said:
I am recently coming off the end of a relationship. I was with a man who I thought I would marry (He was very career driven, successful, a practicing Catholic, and seemed kind and generous). However, I am grateful that with time, his true personality and motivations came through and the relationship ended. It has been a difficult few months since the split, but for the most part, I have been able to pick myself up from the heartbreak, see him and things for what they really were, and begin the journey to emotional and spiritual healing. From this relationship, I learned what I will not tolerate: I will not tolerate a man who calls me names and puts me down when he becomes angry, I will not tolerate a man who will make a joke at my expense in front of his friends, I will not tolerate a man who pressures me to hurry up and make a huge, life-changing decision, and then abandons me when I don’t choose the one he wants. I will not tolerate a man who will not make me or our relationship a priority in his life. The list could go on and on…

What I am struggling with the most is learning how to forgive. To release the anger I have towards him for all the hurtful, cruel things he said while we were together and for the resentment I still hold because he could never make me or the relationship a priority. I know that I need to forgive because holding on to this anger is consuming. I know that forgiving needs to be done because “it release the real prisoner of anger… me”. Internally, my mind understands this. But what I have a hard time controlling is feeling angry about how he treated and spoke to me, and the deep wounds he created by abandoning me at a time when I really needed him the most.

There has been no contact since the split (thank goodness, because I needed it for my recovery); I just feel like I cannot relinquish this anger I have.

Any suggestions or helpful advice on how to start this process of forgiving?

Thank you all.
Click to expand...
Yes, I can offer you a great way to get over it.

You didn’t posit your faith, so I’m in the dark as to what you believe. But I will tell you about something, and you can decide for yourself.

The catholic church thinks of Mary, the mother of Jesus, in a very loving way. Being the mother of Jesus, we also believe she has gone to heaven body and soul, and is with her son Jesus. The church has said that she now in heaven is the mother of men, and not only the mother of Jesus.

As you know, there is almost nothing a mother wouldn’t do for her children. Mothers do a lot of fussing over their children just because they are so filled with love for them. Nothing is too small or too big for them to handle when it comes to their children. And they would even rather have misfortune come to themselves rather than have it come to one of their children.

Well, that is the way our mother Mary in heaven is with us. She is a desparetly loving spiritual mother and wants to see to it that we have everything we need to be someday in heaven.
And she gave us a special gift to help us.

Mary visited a sister, in a vision, in Paris in 1830, and her name was Catherine Laboure. Mary asked this sister to make a medal, with a picture of Mary on the front of it. And told her that those who wore the medal in her honor, and if they asked for graces, she would obtain graces for them. But she said in addition, they would be great graces and abundant graces. But on one condition, namely, they had to trust her absolutely. The graces would come depending on their trust.

Now we say that being the mother of Jesus, she is able to obtain graces from her son just as she obtained a favor from him at Cana. Cana you remember was Jesus’ first miracle. Jesus did it because Mary asked for it.

Mary also asked that everyone have her gift. So this medal is her gift to you as well. Have it blessed by a priest, and wear it. Then hold the medal in your hand, and say a simple prayer, like, Mary you promised great graces and I need one now to overcome this terrible anger in me. Would you please give me that great grace you promised to those who trust in you? And then go about your buisness.

The medal is called miraculous medal, and the picture on the front is of Our Lady of Grace. It is her gift to all her children, you being one. It would please her very much if you would accept it for that is her wish and why she wants everyone to have one.

You may google “miraculous medal” to get a free one.

Best wishes.

St. Catherine and the miraculous medal-story
stcathek.org/stcath.htm

Catherine Laboure as she is today, in a state of miraculous preservation.
traditioninaction.org/SOD/SODimages5/232_incorrupt_labourel.jpg
 
It is always important to remember that forgiveness is an action, not an emotion.
 
Fred Conty, thank you for bringing up our Blessed Mother. I do wear a miraculous medal and have even gotten it blessed at the Vatican. I’ve also consecrated myself to her by way of St. Louis de Montfort. But I am sad to admit, that even after all of this, I haven’t been doing a great job of relying or asking our Blessed Mother for help with releasing the anger and hurt I feel towards my ex. Thank you for reminding me that I need to go her as well.

Holly3278, forgiving this person has been a great struggle for me. I can go days where I do not dwell on what happened, and then other days, I am consumed with the hurt and anger. I am working hard on doing the action part of forgiveness as best I can.
 
red0207 said:
I am recently coming off the end of a relationship. I was with a man who I thought I would marry (He was very career driven, successful, a practicing Catholic, and seemed kind and generous). However, I am grateful that with time, his true personality and motivations came through and the relationship ended. It has been a difficult few months since the split, but for the most part, I have been able to pick myself up from the heartbreak, see him and things for what they really were, and begin the journey to emotional and spiritual healing. From this relationship, I learned what I will not tolerate: I will not tolerate a man who calls me names and puts me down when he becomes angry, I will not tolerate a man who will make a joke at my expense in front of his friends, I will not tolerate a man who pressures me to hurry up and make a huge, life-changing decision, and then abandons me when I don’t choose the one he wants. I will not tolerate a man who will not make me or our relationship a priority in his life. The list could go on and on…

What I am struggling with the most is learning how to forgive. To release the anger I have towards him for all the hurtful, cruel things he said while we were together and for the resentment I still hold because he could never make me or the relationship a priority. I know that I need to forgive because holding on to this anger is consuming. I know that forgiving needs to be done because “it release the real prisoner of anger… me”. Internally, my mind understands this. But what I have a hard time controlling is feeling angry about how he treated and spoke to me, and the deep wounds he created by abandoning me at a time when I really needed him the most.

There has been no contact since the split (thank goodness, because I needed it for my recovery); I just feel like I cannot relinquish this anger I have.

Any suggestions or helpful advice on how to start this process of forgiving?

Thank you all.
Click to expand...
I think this homily on forgiving injuries has exactly what you are looking for in it, its only 5 minutes long or so.
 
Holly3278 said:
It is always important to remember that forgiveness is an action, not an emotion.
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Um, be very careful with this! It’s not really any of them, but I need to respectfully disagree. Forgiveness cannot be deemed as an act. You can indeed forgive someone without them having to be physically present or willing to accept your offering. I know from experience, I tried to put my past grudges behind me by offering peace with the other people, and it just made things worse. Sometimes, it’s just not an option and it’s out of your control.

Even so, a handshake doesn’t mean anything. You can physically forgive someone but still hold ill feelings about them deep down, intentional or not. Put it this way; if given the opportunity to harm or effect the person in any way, without anyone ever being able to know, and without any fear of punishment or justice, would you do it? If so, then you’re obviously still holding ill feelings against them.
 
Domiy said:
Forgiveness cannot be deemed as an act. You can indeed forgive someone without them having to be physically present or willing to accept your offering.

I tried to put my past grudges behind me by offering peace with the other people, and it just made things worse. Sometimes, it’s just not an option and it’s out of your control.

Put it this way; if given the opportunity to harm or effect the person in any way, without anyone ever being able to know, and without any fear of punishment or justice, would you do it? If so, then you’re obviously still holding ill feelings against them.
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I agree with you that you can forgive someone and not have to verbally tell them or try to reach out to make amends. If I tried contacting him at this point, a whole number of scenarios could occur, some of which I know would not be beneficial to my healing or possibly, his future or mine. And in all honesty, I do not think it would be wise to allow this person back in my life. For now, that door needs to stay closed, for my own healing as well as his.

Yes, there are days where I become so angry that all I want to do is wish him harm so that he can feel the pain and hurt he caused me, but I know this is not right. I can feel the anger eating away at my soul. I am interpreting “actions of forgiveness” to mean that, for now, I must consciously try to forgive this person through actions of prayer, speaking to God, asking the Blessed Mother for her intercession, as well as praying the rosary. My hope is, through the time, the pain and anger I carry will lessen and eventually, only be a memory.
 
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