How to get an annulment

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Catholicman1958

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I have been married for 18 years+. My wife refuses to have sex and refuses to go to a doctor or counselor. She yells and throws things at me and the children (17, 13 and 11). She tells me to leave. She is taking money from our joint accounts and hiding it. She tells her family that everything is my fault. We moved 300 miles so she could be closer to her family, at great cost financially and am now far from my family. Her family invites her out and not me, every chance they can. I have tried to reason with them and they tell me I am crazy. Our local priest refused to get involved after I talked to him. She refuses to receive confession. I fight temptations to leave and seek sexual satisfaction with someone else…and have not at this point. I want to file for an annulment. How do I do it? She is well connected in the Church. 2 aunts were nuns and cousin was a priest. Several of her relatives have received annulments in this diosease. Please help me…I need to do this now, for myself and my children.
 
What makes you think you can get an annulment? What is there in your situation that would mean you were never validly married? Nothing that you described above would.

You would need to contact the Diocese to try it though to answer your question.
 
Catholicman1958 said:
I . I want to file for an annulment. How do I do it? She is well connected in the Church. 2 .
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her family history has nothing to do with the matter. you are putting the cart before the horse. Your first duty is to do everything in your power to heal your marriage. If you conclude, after professional marriage counselling and pastoral counsellor from your priest, that this is not possible and that civil divorce is necessary to protect the safety and interests of your children and even yourself, you could take that drastic step. Only after the marriage has irretrievably broken down, and that usually happens because of the unilateral decisions and actions of one party and at least in this country by civil divorce, do you even consider annulment, and then only should you plan to attempt marriage again. Put your priorities in order, and number one is the welfare of your children, not your own temptations or sexual satisfaction. You do understand that your marriage will be declared null only if after due process and investigation it is determined that conditions for a valid marriage were not present at the time of the contract, irregardless of events that transpired after marriage.
 
I’m sorry to hear of your great trials. 😦

Puzzleannie is correct about how to move forward. The Church does not investigate the possible nullity of a marriage until after a civil divorce. You would need to contact your pastor and the Diocesan Tribunal office for info on how to proceed with that process.

As difficult as the present circumstances may be, that is not what determines whether an annulment (AKA “declaration of nullity”) will be granted. The Church investigates the circumstances around the time of the wedding to see if a valid marriage took place. If the marriage was valid at its inception, no amount of trials that come after will invalidate the marriage. However, certain trials can be signs that something wasn’t present at the beginning that needed to be there.

I really don’t know what else to say but that I’ll pray for you. It’s always preferable to be able to work things out. Make every effort to do so. Really pray for your wife as much as you can.
 
There is a proper order for things and you are jumping way ahead in the process. The first thing I would do is talk to a priest. He will probably recommend marriage counseling. Even if your wife is against marriage counseling, I would recommend individual counseling for you because you are going to need that support to stand up for yourself and your children. Do not jump ahead to looking for a new relationship, because at this point you would only be jumping from the frying pan and into the fire.
 
If the Parish priest refuses to get involved in pastoral counseling due to familial connections than please find another priest to get involved or call the go to the diocese office on marriage and family and you may be able to get help there.
 
If you do get to the point of divorce and seeking a decree of nullity, you have a right to petition in the diocese in which you reside OR the diocese in which the marriage took place.

Her “connections” don’t have anything to do with whether or not a decree of nullity will be forthcoming. It depends entirely upon whether or not you and she entered into a valid marriage when the vows were exchanged.

Go talk to a different priest for guidance.
 
I have seen 3 different counselors in the last 3+ years. I got her to go a few times, but she made me promise that we wouldn’t talk about sex. Then she just said it isn’t working. She filed for divorce on me in February 2007 with absolutely no warning and I begged her not to go through with it. She agreed that if we sold everything and moved 300 miles to be closer to her family that she would cancel the divorce try to work things out. After our last child was born in 1998 in the hospital room when I was there with her and the baby a nurse came in and told her that she was scheduled to have a tubal ligation first thing the next morning. I said “what”? Her jaw dropped and she told the nurse she must have her confused with someone else. I BELIEVED her. We had always followed natural family planning. A few years later after a time when she missed a period, I said “maybe you are pregnant”. She replied “no”. I said how do you know? She said “I know”. I said are you using artificial birth control? She replied “no comment”. I have questioned her about that morning with the nurse and over the years she has given me 3 different answers. Once she said she doesn’t remember it, once she said she had considered it but backed out and once she said “no comment”. I could go on and on about the deceptions she and her family have thrown at me. Don’t tell me I haven’t tried or that I am only concerned about sex. There is alot more to have a spouse in a healthy relationship than just sex. My 13 year old son was vomitting and sick in bed yesterday because of the stressfull things that she and “her family” did to us over the weekend and on Fathers day. These children a mother who loves them instead of despising them. She has NO friends here in her home town and we have no friends either since we know very few people. I need healthy relationships for myself and my children
 
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like every married person’s nightmare.

I don’t think anyone is questioning you or your situation. They just recommended counseling, which it sounds as if you tried. But they are correct - the first step in any annulment process (which may or may not be granted) is to legally separate from your spouse. Once a civil divorce is final, then you can request an investigation of the marriage if there is cause to believe that the marriage was invalid.

But you have to be prepared for the potential determination that the marriage is ruled valid, and although you do not have to live with your wife, you cannot “move on” to a new relationship until her death (not insinuating that you would or that you want to, just making a statement). That might seem unfair, but it’s Divine Law and we need to trust His wisdom.

Really, you and your children are in a bad, bad situation. I just hope you can keep them safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
 
Catholicman1958 said:
I . Don’t tell me I haven’t tried or that I am only concerned about sex. There is alot more to have a spouse in a healthy relationship than just sex. My 13 year old son was vomitting and sick in bed yesterday because of the stressfull things that she and “her family” did to us over the weekend and on Fathers day. These children a mother who loves them instead of despising them. She has NO friends here in her home town and we have no friends either since we know very few people. I need healthy relationships for myself and my children
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nobody is “telling you” anything, except to do what is necessary to protect the welfare of your children and of yourself it you too are under a threat. But that does not relate to annulment, which is premature at this point, and in any case, is not related to this backstory (which we don’t need and did not ask for).
 
If the stress is causing your children to be ill than a separation maybe in order. A declaration of nullity is not a Catholic divorce. It means at the time you and your wife made your marriage vows something was lacking to make the marriage invalid.
Some info here dioceseofjoliet.org/tribunal/FAQs.asp
 
I am not leaving. If I left I would lose everything, custody…everything. They are trying to drive me away, that is what she and her family are trying to do is break us apart. The priests I have talked to have all said not to leave, to “hang in there”. Why do you say leave? Divorce? What kind of factors make a marriage “invalid”. There are questions about her truthfullness to me prior to our marriage. And isn’t a refusal to engage in sex with your spouse groiunds for annulment? Or using artifical birth control secretly?
 
Catholicman1958 said:
I am not leaving. If I left I would lose everything, custody…everything. They are trying to drive me away, that is what she and her family are trying to do is break us apart. The priests I have talked to have all said not to leave, to “hang in there”. Why do you say leave? Divorce?
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No one is telling you what to do. None of us know the situation well enough to be able to make that sort of recommendation. You asked “I want to file for an annulment. How do I do it?” Step 1 in doing that is to file for a civil divorce.

The other comments people have made is that if you fear for your safety or your children’s safety, then it might be wise to leave. No one is saying that your situation is at that level (again, we wouldn’t be able to know) just that if it is at that level, you need to consider leaving for your safety and the safety of the children.
What kind of factors make a marriage “invalid”. There are questions about her truthfullness to me prior to our marriage. And isn’t a refusal to engage in sex with your spouse groiunds for annulment? Or using artifical birth control secretly?
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Here’s a link to some frequently asked questions: sfsolano.org/Q_A_annulment Item 12 deals with grounds for annulment. The important item to note is that to be invalid, the marriage must have been invalid at the time of the vows. So one ground for an annulment is that your spouse was not open to children (such as using artificial birth control secretly). However, just because she uses artificial birth control now and is not open to children now doesn’t mean that she wasn’t open to children at the time of your vows. Refusing sex at the time of marriage could be a ground for annulment but suddenly stopping after 15 years is unlikely to be sufficient on its own.

If she wasn’t truthful to you before the marriage, there could be grounds. However, none of us know you or your situation, so it’s very unlikely that anyone here could give you an internet ruling. What you’d need to do is run it by a priest or someone who you can meet with personally and explain the entire situation.

However, if you do not plan to leave your wife, then the point is moot.
 
Catholicman1958 said:
I am not leaving. If I left I would lose everything, custody…everything. They are trying to drive me away, that is what she and her family are trying to do is break us apart. The priests I have talked to have all said not to leave, to “hang in there”. Why do you say leave? Divorce? What kind of factors make a marriage “invalid”. There are questions about her truthfullness to me prior to our marriage. And isn’t a refusal to engage in sex with your spouse groiunds for annulment? Or using artifical birth control secretly?
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You really need to see a counselor on an individual basis so that you can get some perspective. Fathers don’t lose custody of their children just because they leave their wives. Controlling spouses will tell you anything to keep you under their thumb. I recommend that you start keeping a journal of all the insults, threats, and abuse she throws your way, and I absolutely recommend not putting up with it. Let her see that you are not buying into her vision of you. What is really important in these types of situations is that you stay absolutely calm, that you not allow her to engage you in an argument, and that you make it very clear that her abuse is unacceptable. Say it to her 50 times a day like a broken record if you need to “that’s not acceptable.” Stand up for your children. Talk to their guidance counselors at school and get some idea of what the boundaries of reportable abuse are…and if she crosses that line, then report it.

Talk to an attorney and find out what the consequences of a divorce or legal separation for you would likely be. Let him know that you are absolutely interested in maintaining as much custody of your children as possible. It’s no longer the case that women automatically get custody. In my county there has to be a very grave reason to not award each parent 50%.

I also recommend that you start building your own life, right now. Find some friends, join a class or a club, volunteer, do anything that you can to get involved in the outside world. It will give you confidence, perspective, and a network of support. Her power and connections will stop seeming like some invincible force controlling your life.

I think you mentioned that your wife won’t go to confession. Make sure that you do go, regularly in fact. If your church has adoration, make sure that you find time to go. Pray the rosary.

These are all things that you need to be doing now, before you start work on a declaration of nullity. And by the way, I will just say that I wouldn’t be surprised if you did some soul searching at some point down the road, talked to a priest, and found that you had likely grounds for pursuing the declaration of nullity. I have had one and have gotten out of an abusive marriage, so know that I am praying for you. However, you have a lot of hard work ahead of you before it’s time to approach that.
 
Catholicman1958 said:
I am not leaving. If I left I would lose everything, custody…everything. They are trying to drive me away, that is what she and her family are trying to do is break us apart. The priests I have talked to have all said not to leave, to “hang in there”. Why do you say leave? Divorce? What kind of factors make a marriage “invalid”. There are questions about her truthfullness to me prior to our marriage. And isn’t a refusal to engage in sex with your spouse groiunds for annulment? Or using artifical birth control secretly?
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You would not necessarily lose your children. If there is abuse(I am not doubting you I just don’t know you and we only get one side on internet boards and charitably need to say “if”) then get a lawyer and fight. Look up Catholic lawyers willing to ehlp fathers it may suprise you. You are a father. I am going to speak to you in a way that I speak to abused women and I hope you are ready for it - right now you need to be strong an do what is best for your children - later you will get to fall apart - stop putting the cart before the horse and telling everyone else what you need - if you knew that you and the kids would already be safe.

Now, I apologize for that sentence it is said with love and charity but sometimes we need to smack people back to their senses so they can get out of their own way and safeguard themselves and their children and worry about the extraneous stuff like anullment later. God bless you and keep you and may the Holy Spirit guid you on your path. BTW- starting now - write down everything you can remember including witness names.
 
Catholicman1958 said:
And isn’t a refusal to engage in sex with your spouse groiunds for annulment? Or using artifical birth control secretly?
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Only if your wife refused to engage in sex from the very beginning of your marriage (which is not the case since you have children) or went into the marriage with the idea that she would not be open children and had planned to contracept all along and lied about it -that would be fraud.

There seems to be a misunderstanding of what a declaration of nullity is. Marriages are always permanent (until death) according to the teachings of the church. A declaration of nullity says that a marriage never existed between the two parties. Something was lacking from day one that made the sacrament invalid -lack of proper form (marriage outside the church), lack of consent (coerced into marriage against the will), fraud (one or both lied or withheld information about something serious that should have been made known before the marriage took place) are some examples.

Sometimes what happens during a marriage can be indicators that something was lacking and is taken into consideration -such as serial infidelity -one party may have never intended to remain faithful from the beginning of the marriage.

Sin alone during a marriage does not invalidate marriage vows. This is the time to find a trusted priest to take your concerns too.
 
I went to a class on annulments and the monsignor (who was on the Tribunal in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles) said that having the intention at the time of marriage to LIMIT the number of children or to not make themselves available to sexual relations at some point in the future would be denying the spouse one of the essential goods of marriage (bonum proelis). If she has said something along the lines of “I only intended to have 3 children” then that very well could be grounds for the marriage being invalid. The Tribunal would have to hear all of the evidence though.
 
Thanks for all of your help. I need to consult an attorney.
 
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