How to get beyond adultery

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Gabby987

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i am the mother of two. my husband, after being away on business came home and confessed to me that he cheated on me with a prostitute. He has expressed what i consider true regret, and is very sorrowful. I’ve been trying to get beyond it, but I find that I’m facing very big obstacles emotionally in getting past it. What’s the best way to approach this situation? I feel too embarrassed to approach a priest and it’s not the sort of thing I can discuss with my friends. I desperately need guidance as to how to salvage our family, and also how to help my husband. This type of behavior is totally uncharacteristic of him. I suspect he’s using pornography also. I fear for our marriage. I ask you to join in intercessory prayer, and I welcome any suggestions you might have.
 
I can’t give you any advice, except perhaps to seek out a wise priest whom you do not know personally, in order to avoid any embarrassment; or perhaps a nun?

You are in my prayers.
 
He needs to get tested for STI’s now and in 6 months.

You need whatever it is you need in order to build trust again. Whether that’s couples counselling, retrouville, talking to a priest, him going to confession etc., etc.
 
Gabby987 said:
i am the mother of two. my husband, after being away on business came home and confessed to me that he cheated on me with a prostitute. He has expressed what i consider true regret, and is very sorrowful. I’ve been trying to get beyond it, but I find that I’m facing very big obstacles emotionally in getting past it. What’s the best way to approach this situation? I feel too embarrassed to approach a priest and it’s not the sort of thing I can discuss with my friends. I desperately need guidance as to how to salvage our family, and also how to help my husband. This type of behavior is totally uncharacteristic of him. I suspect he’s using pornography also. I fear for our marriage. I ask you to join in intercessory prayer, and I welcome any suggestions you might have.
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i am so sorry and you both will be in my prayers. You may feel embarrased but he was the one that was wrong and not you. Others have suggested a priest but also call your diocese and ask for a Deacon that can counsel you. You might feel less embarrased since deacons are usually married and can understand your situation. Does he travel a lot?
Are you sure that this is not the first time. Again I am truly sorry about what happen to you.
 
I am praying for you.

Someone mentioned - talk with a friend - I would not suggest talking with a friend.

Talk with a priest, a counselor, go to Retroville, but this is not something to share with your friend now.

It can be a burden for your friend to keep such a secret. You do not want this shared with someone that she needs to confide in because it is too much for her to handle.

I am praying that with God’s graces you and your husband can mend your marriage past this horrible event. I think if you share this with a friend, even after you have mended the relationship, she still may only think of your husband in this manner every time she sees him.

Maybe there will be a time in your healing that you want a friend to share this with. For now, I think the advice to share it with a friend is a poor choice.

Keep close to God during this painful time.
 
RoseMary131 said:
I am praying for you.

Someone mentioned - talk with a friend - I would not suggest talking with a friend.

Talk with a priest, a counselor, go to Retroville, but this is not something to share with your friend now.

It can be a burden for your friend to keep such a secret. You do not want this shared with someone that she needs to confide in because it is too much for her to handle.

I am praying that with God’s graces you and your husband can mend your marriage past this horrible event. I think if you share this with a friend, even after you have mended the relationship, she still may only think of your husband in this manner every time she sees him.

Maybe there will be a time in your healing that you want a friend to share this with. For now, I think the advice to share it with a friend is a poor choice.

Keep close to God during this painful time.
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Just wanted to clarify that it’s “retrouvaille” (it’s a French word and French is my first language). No offense meant. OP, I know how devastating this must be, I’ll go offline and say a prayer for you now.
 
robwar said:
i am so sorry and you both will be in my prayers. You may feel embarrased but he was the one that was wrong and not you. Others have suggested a priest but also call your diocese and ask for a Deacon that can counsel you. You might feel less embarrased since deacons are usually married and can understand your situation. Does he travel a lot?
Are you sure that this is not the first time. Again I am truly sorry about what happen to you.
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I guess two truly become one, because I share his embarrassment. I’m not so certain he shares my degree of hurt though. Afterall, he confessed to me, and to a unfamiliar priest (so in essence, he has a clear conscience). I, on the other hand am just carrying this around with me.:doh2: The only way I could speak with a priest/deacon/nun is if they were unfamiliar to me also. I don’t want my husband being judged by this indiscretion because I truly believe he’s making a fresh start:console:. I just want to get past it - for the good of all. He gets upset even if I bring up the incident in context to how I am dealing with it:imsorry:, so I truly do not have anyone I can talk to.:frighten: (maybe that’s why I find myself here anonymously asking for advice).🤷
 
Gabby987 said:
I guess two truly become one, because I share his embarrassment. I’m not so certain he shares my degree of hurt though. Afterall, he confessed to me, and to a unfamiliar priest (so in essence, he has a clear conscience). I, on the other hand am just carrying this around with me.:doh2: The only way I could speak with a priest/deacon/nun is if they were unfamiliar to me also. I don’t want my husband being judged by this indiscretion because I truly believe he’s making a fresh start:console:. I just want to get past it - for the good of all. He gets upset even if I bring up the incident in context to how I am dealing with it:imsorry:, so I truly do not have anyone I can talk to.:frighten: (maybe that’s why I find myself here anonymously asking for advice).🤷
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How long ago was this? You were hurt beyond embarrassment by this, as you should be. Just as wounds to the flesh take time to heal, so do wounds to the soul. You two need marriage counseling, especially if he is unwilling to listen to you express the pain he caused you.
 
He gets upset even if I bring up the incident in context to how I am dealing with it.

I am so sorry for the pain you feel and sadden that he gets upset when you need to talk about it.

He cleared his conscience by confessing to you and receiving the sacrament.

Now, he needs to help you heal. Its not fair for him to expect you not to talk with him about this.

Healing needs communication. You already know this. Some how he needs to understand too.

A Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend may help. It stresses communication. Couples do not share anything about their marriage with others. Couples only listen to the presenting couples and priest discuss varies topics and then each couple goes to their own private room to share with each other. This is for good marriages to make them better. wwme.org/,

Retrouvaille is for hurting marriages. I don’t know were your marriage would fall. retrouvaille.org/
 
Gabby987 said:
He gets upset even if I bring up the incident in context to how I am dealing with it:imsorry:, so I truly do not have anyone I can talk to.:frighten: (maybe that’s why I find myself here anonymously asking for advice).🤷
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Oh gosh, I am so sorry you are going through this, but his reaction to you speaking about it has got to stop or you won’t be able to heal. By reacting in that way, he is making the focus more about HIS feelings than yours. He can’t just expect you to keep quiet to spare his feelings. Embarrassing as it may be for him, his actions hurt you deeply, and that is more important to your marriage than his pride.
He may not realize that HE must talk about all of this with you, and not just a quick admission of guilt, but an in depth inventory of the marriage, or you’ll never heal and get past it. The best scenario is for BOTH of you to be able to talk openly with a moderator about WHY this happened. As much as he would like to think it’s just an isolated one time thing, and his talk with the priest is the end of it, it’s not that simple. It’s not just the acting out of an “incident” of infidelity that’s important, it’s all the other stuff that’s behind it that does the most damage, and that stuff will stay hidden away forever if he does not make a valliant effort to bring it all into the light. Please seek couples counseling in a safe place where you can both communicate with a professional counselor, either through the church, or outside the church if that is more comfortable for you both.
Many years ago, I went to another town for marriage counseling sessions due to privacy issues. It was the best thing we EVER did as a couple. We’re happily married 23 years in Feb.
I will say prayers for you both tonight for the love, courage, strength and grace of God you will both need to heal.
God Bless Gabby :gopray:
 
Gabby987 said:
i am the mother of two. my husband, after being away on business came home and confessed to me that he cheated on me with a prostitute. He has expressed what i consider true regret, and is very sorrowful. I’ve been trying to get beyond it, but I find that I’m facing very big obstacles emotionally in getting past it. What’s the best way to approach this situation? I feel too embarrassed to approach a priest and it’s not the sort of thing I can discuss with my friends. I desperately need guidance as to how to salvage our family, and also how to help my husband. This type of behavior is totally uncharacteristic of him. I suspect he’s using pornography also. I fear for our marriage. I ask you to join in intercessory prayer, and I welcome any suggestions you might have.
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Father God, in the name of Jesus, with the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and all the angels and saints, I an unworthy sinner beg for your merciful and healing love to flow to me.
Heal me from my pride and arrogance.
Heal me from my greed, envy and jealousy.
Heal me from my sloth, gluttony and lust.
Heal me from my resentments and bitterness, anger and.violence, hatred and unforgiveness.
Heal me from my deprivation, abandonment and rejection, loneliness and depression.
Heal me from my fears and anxiety, regrets and guilt, failures and frustrations.
Heal me from my betrayal and defeat, humiliation and shame.
Heal me from my suffering and misery, torture and pain.
*Mother Mary, I consecrate myself to your Immaculate Heart. Memorare or Hail Holy Queen
 
DaddyGirl said:
By the way…since you want to be on the road to healing…I’d, of course, ask him WHY he saw the prostitute. But I’m sure you already did that. If so, perhaps we can give better suggestions if we know why?
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I **do not **think it is wise for you to tell us “why” your husband committed this sin. We do not need any personal details. You do not need to think you should share details of this personal sin against you by your husband.

A priest and a therapist/counselor are the only other people besides the two of you who would have a need to discuss “why”.
 
DaddyGirl said:
Going to a prostitute is pretty serious and complex…much more so than just getting tipsy and having a one-night-stand with a stranger.
To actually find a prostate, pay for it, is a very conscious and deliberate act. And to throw caution to the wind and do something with such a heightened danger of disease…

And he shouldn’t expect you to have sex with him again until you feel trust with him again, obviously.
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Adultery with anyone, prostitute or anyone, is serious and complex. The fact the sin was with a prostitute does not mean it was any more deliberate than if it was with anyone else. We can not assume he went to “more trouble” to seek out a prostitute and that he did so with more thought than committing adultery with a “stranger” or “friend.”

Gabby is in pain and we should not be adding “invented details” to his sin and her pain by suggesting the sin is more deliberate.

A suggestion that Gabby wait for sexual relations with her husband once she feels she can trust him, may not be the right thing for her. Her love for her husband, even though filled with pain, and graces they both receive in their Sacrament of Matrimony, may bring her to want a sexual relationship with her husband before she “trusts” him. (The statement was that the husband should not expect sex until the wife trust him - conveys a suggestion for the wife not to have sexual union until trust is restored.)
 
DaddyGirl said:
But the* best* thing for you to do, IMO, is for you both to go to a couple’s therapist.
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This is good advice, with one caveat: find a good Catholic therapist. You want someone who shares your values and your faith as the one who will give you advice on how to heal together and how to proceed in your marriage.

I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers, Gabby…
 
I am so sorry you are going through this; I am sure it is very painful. I would not ignore the fact that you suspect he’s been viewing pornography. That and the prostitution would be connected.

My suggestion, as others have also said, is to set up an appointment with a couples therapist. You are not going to just “get over” this by forgiving. The desire to “get over it” is because it is so painful and you don’t want to have to face it, you just want it all to go away. It is understandable on an emotional level.

But uou need to be sure you can trust again and that takes time. When I was in this situation, I remember my therapist telling me not to trust until it was clear that he was trustworthy.

That means he must show you that he is worthy of trusting again and is addressing whatever led this behavior. There are marriages that survive something like this, but in order to heal he has to be willing to totally come clean and make the changes needed so you can trust again. A good therapist can help with this.

Remember to seek consolation in God. That is what got me through.
 
a catch phrase that comes to mind is …
“Now THAT’S Gonna leave a mark”
you can bet that it will leave a mark.
You will never fully trust him again and you’ll be checking over his shoulder at every turn. Yeah he’s earned it. He’ll also find the inevitable security measures irritating, giving rise to further complications until such time you find something of a reasonable facsimile of stability
 
Gabby987 said:
I guess two truly become one, because I share his embarrassment. I’m not so certain he shares my degree of hurt though. Afterall, he confessed to me, and to a unfamiliar priest (so in essence, he has a clear conscience). I, on the other hand am just carrying this around with me.:doh2: The only way I could speak with a priest/deacon/nun is if they were unfamiliar to me also. I don’t want my husband being judged by this indiscretion because I truly believe he’s making a fresh start:console:. I just want to get past it - for the good of all. He gets upset even if I bring up the incident in context to how I am dealing with it:imsorry:, so I truly do not have anyone I can talk to.:frighten: (maybe that’s why I find myself here anonymously asking for advice).🤷
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Well, you are naturally hurt because you have been betrayed in the most intimate way and it will take time and trust building to put it back together. You do not need to feel embarrassed because you did nothing wrong here. But, if he is still using pornography which is visual adultery, then he still has big problems that will lead him back the wrong way. Just because he went to confession with some unknown priest doesn’t mean that it is over. It is a start. But if both of you could go to a Deacon or Priest for counseling, to get help to put into place for him habit that won’t lead him into unfaithfulness again. Just because he went to confession doesn’t mean that he should get mad at you and your need to talk about this so it doesn’t happen again or to rebuild the trust which is broken by adultery. If he is doing this, he is trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty for the natural hurt that his actions has caused and he is probably trying to avoid looking at himself and what lead up to him to see some hooker. That is just a bandaid put over a cancer on the skin. The cancer is still there. I hope that even if he doesn’t go with you, that you get the courage and go for some counseling and don’t worry about what they will think about him.
He should worry about that and not you. I am so sorry about what happen. you are in my prayers.
 
robwar said:
Well, you are naturally hurt because you have been betrayed in the most intimate way and it will take time and trust building to put it back together. You do not need to feel embarrassed because you did nothing wrong here. But, if he is still using pornography which is visual adultery, then he still has big problems that will lead him back the wrong way. Just because he went to confession with some unknown priest doesn’t mean that it is over. It is a start. But if both of you could go to a Deacon or Priest for counseling, to get help to put into place for him habit that won’t lead him into unfaithfulness again. Just because he went to confession doesn’t mean that he should get mad at you and your need to talk about this so it doesn’t happen again or to rebuild the trust which is broken by adultery. If he is doing this, he is trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty for the natural hurt that his actions has caused and he is probably trying to avoid looking at himself and what lead up to him to see some hooker. That is just a bandaid put over a cancer on the skin. The cancer is still there. I hope that even if he doesn’t go with you, that you get the courage and go for some counseling and don’t worry about what they will think about him.
He should worry about that and not you. I am so sorry about what happen. you are in my prayers.
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Do we ever fully understand another’s motives? This logic does sound correct on some level though. Counselling, I think would be key. You don’t want this to become a chasm between you, but you do need to cross it together - which requires open communication. Be careful that the children do not ‘overhear’ such discussions. Maybe a retreat might be in order, as some other people have mentioned. (not an easy situation, I’m sure.)
 
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