How to get children to get along

[brbgrl]

My kids are 22 months apart, currently age 2 (boy) and 4 (girl). They are fighting constantly. It’s to the point that I have to supervise them 100% of the time (like I can’t even go to the bathroom) because they will start fighting. They both start it. They both takes toys from each other. The 4 year old will also accuse the 2 year old of biting or hitting, but it’s hard to say if this is really happening because this only seems to happen if I go to the bathroom or something. The 2 year old does try to aggravate his sister, I think because she reacts strongly. I’ve been working on trying to get them to speak nicely to each other, play together, and treat each other with respect, but I don’t feel like it is working. I have read all the Catholic parenting books, but I just can’t seem to figure out the best way to deal with this. I know they are jealous of each other and it’s probably for attention and I try to give them individual attention and not play favorites, etc. I’m just at my wits end and am losing my patience (which I know is not good, because I’m trying to teach them to deal with conflict calmly!). I’m literally spending about every waking moment disciplining them and I just can’t take it anymore! Any ideas from more experienced parents out there? I do follow through consistently.

 

[Xantippe]

My kids are 22 months apart, currently age 2 (boy) and 4 (girl). They are fighting constantly. It’s to the point that I have to supervise them 100% of the time (like I can’t even go to the bathroom) because they will start fighting. They both start it. They both takes toys from each other. The 4 year old will also accuse the 2 year old of biting or hitting, but it’s hard to say if this is really happening because this only seems to happen if I go to the bathroom or something. The 2 year old does try to aggravate his sister, I think because she reacts strongly. I’ve been working on trying to get them to speak nicely to each other, play together, and treat each other with respect, but I don’t feel like it is working. I have read all the Catholic parenting books, but I just can’t seem to figure out the best way to deal with this. I know they are jealous of each other and it’s probably for attention and I try to give them individual attention and not play favorites, etc. I’m just at my wits end and am losing my patience (which I know is not good, because I’m trying to teach them to deal with conflict calmly!). I’m literally spending about every waking moment disciplining them and I just can’t take it anymore! Any ideas from more experienced parents out there? I do follow through consistently.

2 years old is a very grabby age. I remember when my oldest was 2, I also babysat a fellow 2-year-old, and there was one day where the two of them would just gather up armfuls of toys and run around the room keeping toys away from the other. They wouldn’t even play with the toys! They just wanted the other child not to have them! But they got over it.

I think things will get better in a few months. In the meantime, get out of the house, get them outside, go to playgrounds, go to children’s museums, and do some playdates.

Also, on the weekend (or dad’s day off) split up the kids when possible–you take one, dad takes the other.

Good luck!

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Fighting over X - take X and put it in a visable high place. Tell them they have to earn it back.

Arguing - make them sit back to back for the average of their age. Then make them sit facing each other until they make peace. Repeat up to five times if necessary.

When you wake them up give expectations for the day. Restate expectations at breakfast. And keep restating expectations.

Praise the good they do in fraternal love often to the poin it’s comical.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Welcome to the world of parenthood, being a parent is a time we ourselves become better people, well that’s the idea anyway, doesn’t really always work out like that,lol.
As a parent we become peacemaker , Negotiator , homemaker , such a tough job when your dealing with little people that have no time for compromise ,
It’s their way , no prisoners taken,
A reward system helps, there must be something they treasure above all else ,
Like a special blanket, put it up high out of there reach, but in sight ,
There must be a television programme they watch , be good you can watch,
They could have a play area in the T V. Room or some common area in the house, put up a boundary or border line, tell them they Don’t cross that line, trust me,they will guard that line with their life ,have there own toys and they can’t share that toy,
There really is a generation gap between a 2&4 year old
It’s a tough job, hope you gain strength in your negotiation skill ,

 

[hesso12]

My kids are 22 months apart, currently age 2 (boy) and 4 (girl). They are fighting constantly. It’s to the point that I have to supervise them 100% of the time (like I can’t even go to the bathroom) because they will start fighting. They both start it. They both takes toys from each other. The 4 year old will also accuse the 2 year old of biting or hitting, but it’s hard to say if this is really happening because this only seems to happen if I go to the bathroom or something. The 2 year old does try to aggravate his sister, I think because she reacts strongly. I’ve been working on trying to get them to speak nicely to each other, play together, and treat each other with respect, but I don’t feel like it is working. I have read all the Catholic parenting books, but I just can’t seem to figure out the best way to deal with this. I know they are jealous of each other and it’s probably for attention and I try to give them individual attention and not play favorites, etc. I’m just at my wits end and am losing my patience (which I know is not good, because I’m trying to teach them to deal with conflict calmly!). I’m literally spending about every waking moment disciplining them and I just can’t take it anymore! Any ideas from more experienced parents out there? I do follow through consistently.

And remember don’t forget to spank your children as they grow up when the misbehave.
Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.Proverbs 23:13

Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery – the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the “material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones.” Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them:

He who loves his son will not spare the rod. … He who disciplines his son will profit by him.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (CCC 2223).

 

[pensmama87]

My kids are the same ages. I have noticed with my two that the majority of their fights fall into two categories - the 4 year old bosses the 2 year old and the 2 year old doesn’t like it, or the 2 year old takes a toy from the 4 year old. Outside of that, they actually fight pretty rarely - it’s just that the fights are so loud and escalate so quickly they seem like they happen more frequently than they do. They can actually play pretty sweetly with each other.

One thing I do is to “catch them being good” and praise them for it - lavishly and with a lot of enthusiasm. I don’t just pay attention to them when they are doing things I don’t want them to do - otherwise the “reward” for poor behavior is my constant attention. When I do discipline, I am as calm and matter-of-fact as possible. I do what Giggly Giraffe suggested and toys get put in time-out as well as boys if that toy seems to be a particular fighting point - “Well, I guess the trains are just too much for you guys today, maybe we can try again tomorrow.” Now that they know I’m serious about it, if they want to play with the toy they will generally figure out how to get along with it.

For kids who are just moody and unpleasant and naggy, even if they aren’t doing anything specific against the rules, I implement “cryin babies go to bed” - a time-out with no exact time limit where they go to their room until they decide they would rather be pleasant than fuss. Even my 2 year old gets this. (Their rooms are not “fun” places by the way, the only toys they keep there are loveys for bedtime.) I think of it less as punishment and more as teaching that if you want to be with others in company, you can’t be a drag, and that when you are feeling down, it’s OK to go to a quiet place to be by yourself for a while (my 4 year old has requested to leave on a few occasions to calm down, so I think he is getting that part of it.)

I also make sure to vary where we play (early morning tends to be in the house, then we might go somewhere later in the morning or play outside, and then after naptime play outside again, and then after dinner back in the house.) I keep most of our toys in bins so they get rotated every now and then so it’s not just a chaotic mess all the time and things can be “fresh.”

Just some things that I have tried that have helped here. Good luck!

 

[nhamm10]

Chores, chores, chores. When my girls didn’t get along the cleaning starts. LOL They will either get along quick or you will have a cleaner house! Its a win, win!

 

[pianistclare]

Correct your children in a way they can comprehend. Don’t be afraid to show displease.
DO NOT SPANK THEM.
Those passages in the Bible are about parental correction, not physical violence. Once you start hitting them, they will escalate their hitting of each other. you for sure don’t want a teen who solves conflict with hitting. He will begin to hit you.
God bless you. As Xantippe says, things WILL get better as they mature.

 

[Kelfa28]

I have an 18 month old and an almost 3.5 year old.

They don’t fight a whole lot with each other…mostly it’s over a toy that the 18 month has grabbed that my 3.5 year old was playing with but lost interest over or it’s because the 18 month old is interfering with my 3.5 year old’s playtime and is “messing things up” for her.

I usually just take the toys away from the offender and we start a different activity. If my 3.5 year old goes into melt down mode she is reminded why we took the toy away and we ignore her and continue the new activity.
Usually she calms down and starts playing after a few minutes of crying and sulking.

I try to avoid time outs with her…only because it usually makes the situation a lot worse and it doesn’t solve anything. Basically it escalates from tears and general defiance to full on tantrum mode that is far more difficult to bring her down from and then the lesson is totally lost.
But that is my own individual situation with my preschooler. I know timeouts are an effective discipline tool to use for most children.

Discipline for her is taking the toy or activity away and then ignoring her outburst and not feeding in to it at all and turning our attention to another activity.

I also believe getting the kids out of the house to play, if possible, is effective and useful…or at least a total 180 when it comes to activity.
Usually there is another reason why the kids are fighting with each other and they need a total change of pace.
Maybe a snack? Trip to the park? Hanging out in the backyard?
I find that the best places where my kids get along are when they are outside and playing…they are far less likely to argue with each other and are more likely to get along.

If I catch either of them sharing with each other or helping each other or doing something good…they are immediately praised for it.
Anything wrong is corrected immediately and the girls have to apologize to the offended party.

It works fairly well for us. The girls are pretty good at sharing with each other and minimizing the fights.

 

[hesso12]

Correct your children in a way they can comprehend. Don’t be afraid to show displease.
DO NOT SPANK THEM.
Those passages in the Bible are about parental correction, not physical violence. Once you start hitting them, they will escalate their hitting of each other. you for sure don’t want a teen who solves conflict with hitting. He will begin to hit you.
God bless you. As Xantippe says, things WILL get better as they mature.

My parents used to spank me when I was young,I thought they were wrong,but now I understand that it was not them who was wrong it was me,I honestly tell you that if they did not spank me,I would be a loser,I would have been rebellious I would have been ungodly.but they have brought me up well,I realise that they spanked me because they loved me,they wanted me to be better person,they cared for me,the bible says this Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.Proverbs what the bible says,is to directly to spank,it’s not saying anything alternative to it,it was written in the time in Israel were spanking was used,and still today from around the world.You said If I got Spanked by my parents,I would start hitting them,wrong I would never hit them.

 

[LightBound]

My parents used to spank me when I was young,I thought they were wrong,but now I understand that it was not them who was wrong it was me,I honestly tell you that if they did not spank me,I would be a loser,I would have been rebellious I would have been ungodly.but they have brought me up well,I realise that they spanked me because they loved me,they wanted me to be better person,they cared for me,the bible says this Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.Proverbs what the bible says,is to directly to spank,it’s not saying anything alternative to it,it was written in the time in Israel were spanking was used,and still today from around the world.You said If I got Spanked by my parents,I would start hitting them,wrong I would never hit them.

You were spanked or hit as a teen? Also keep in mind, in many places in the world, hitting your child, even if you consider it discipline, is against the law.

 

[Antegin]

My parents used to spank me when I was young,I thought they were wrong,but now I understand that it was not them who was wrong it was me,I honestly tell you that if they did not spank me,I would be a loser,I would have been rebellious I would have been ungodly.but they have brought me up well,I realise that they spanked me because they loved me,they wanted me to be better person,they cared for me,the bible says this Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.Proverbs what the bible says,is to directly to spank,it’s not saying anything alternative to it,it was written in the time in Israel were spanking was used,and still today from around the world.You said If I got Spanked by my parents,I would start hitting them,wrong I would never hit them.

I have to agree with pianistclare on this one. Spanking children teaches that if you are angry, hit! I’m not saying such people will grow up to be abusers but as grade schoolers when developmentally they should be past the physical stuff, they are still pushing and hitting. Now it’s the school’s problem.

 

[brbgrl]

God bless you and thank you for sharing.

You asked how to get children to get along? You can’t, but what you CAN do is teach them (over time) about virtue, patience, sharing, and that there are consequences for bad behavior.

One thing that may help you, well it helped me anyway is to take notice of when your children are not fighting, not just for them but for you. It may surprise you that they really are not fighting 24-hours a day but far less. It’s just that the bickering is so stressful it stands out more. If it helps, take out a piece of paper and write down the calm times. You might be surprised it is a lot, I was.

Remember too that children are immature, arguing when you spend a lot of time together is normal. My husband was once complaining of the young children bickering but I reminded him that when he and I were together for hours and hours and hours on the weekends we usually argued about something, sometimes a LOT of things! That was funny especially since he and I chose to be together and we were much more mature! Take two little immature people that didn’t choose each other and throw them together for 8-10 hours what do you think will happen?

When your young ones misbehave, give them a consequence. When they misbehave again give another consequence. Repeat this sequence 100,000 times, this is success! Success is teaching your child that there is a consequence! You are a success when you put your child in time-out because you are teaching them a lesson.

Your children cannot master self control of their emotions or their impulses because they are young. Don’t worry they are not alone, I am well over the age of 20 (let’s just say) and I have not mastered self control of my emotions or impulses either! In fact, when I go to confession it’s the darndest thing because it’s almost the same sins over and over and over and over again. No wonder your 2 and 4 year old struggle with bad behavior when here I am a grown adult and guess what, I do too! You are doing a great job as a mom when you are being loving and trying your best. You can buy more parenting books but trust me there is no magic formula for this one. Hang in there as best as you can and lock the bathroom door if you have to.

God bless.

Thank you for your response. You comments really hit home. I do need to focus more on the good times. Things have gotten considerable worse since my preschooler is home more this summer, but they are sweet to each other sometimes. My husband works a lot it’s hard to separate them some days, but we are trying.

I think sometimes the parenting books make things worse. They say “just do X, Y, and Z and your children will behave perfectly, ours did.” Or “I have raised and homeschooled 12 kids, it was such a joy, just do this and it will be easy”. One actually says if you ask a toddler to pick up their toys and they refuse, take their hand and make them do it and from then on the will listen every time you ask. My first born is VERY strong willed and my son is, well, 2. That just won’t work on them after one time. They test and test and test, so I guess after the 15th timeout of the morning for the same offense, I just start to doubt myself.

I grew up with a single mother who struggled with depression who just didn’t have the energy to discipline my sister and I. I got away with a lot by whining, etc. So I’m having to teach myself discipline as I try to discipline my kids. It is a daily struggle. I also struggle with emotional control and my husband doesn’t really understand why I need times outs sometimes. He thinks I should be able to keep it together and gets upset with me if I go to our room or bathroom when I just can’t take it anymore. I’m trying not to lose control in front of the kids but he sees it as giving up or something, I don’t know.

 

[brbgrl]

2 years old is a very grabby age. I remember when my oldest was 2, I also babysat a fellow 2-year-old, and there was one day where the two of them would just gather up armfuls of toys and run around the room keeping toys away from the other. They wouldn’t even play with the toys! They just wanted the other child not to have them! But they got over it.

I think things will get better in a few months. In the meantime, get out of the house, get them outside, go to playgrounds, go to children’s museums, and do some playdates.

Also, on the weekend (or dad’s day off) split up the kids when possible–you take one, dad takes the other.

Good luck!

Thanks, they do much better outside, sometimes I just can’t even seem to get them to behave long enough to get ready to go somewhere though! We are working on it though.

We are trying to split them up for more one on one time which does help. It’s funny because when we do this they are always concerned that we are not all together as a family and missing the other one. Go figure.

 

[brbgrl]

Fighting over X - take X and put it in a visable high place. Tell them they have to earn it back.

Arguing - make them sit back to back for the average of their age. Then make them sit facing each other until they make peace. Repeat up to five times if necessary.

When you wake them up give expectations for the day. Restate expectations at breakfast. And keep restating expectations.

Praise the good they do in fraternal love often to the poin it’s comical.

Thanks, I have been taking toys away, even have thrown a few aways so they know I’m serious. I have been trying to do better about stating and restating expectations, it does help, especially with the 4 year old. Need to praise a little more. At least I know I’m on the right track!

 

[brbgrl]

For kids who are just moody and unpleasant and naggy, even if they aren’t doing anything specific against the rules, I implement “cryin babies go to bed” - a time-out with no exact time limit where they go to their room until they decide they would rather be pleasant than fuss. Even my 2 year old gets this. (Their rooms are not “fun” places by the way, the only toys they keep there are loveys for bedtime.) I think of it less as punishment and more as teaching that if you want to be with others in company, you can’t be a drag, and that when you are feeling down, it’s OK to go to a quiet place to be by yourself for a while (my 4 year old has requested to leave on a few occasions to calm down, so I think he is getting that part of it.)

Thanks, we do this also. My daughter is very whiny and gets sent to her room frequently to calm down until she can “talk normal”. My 2 year old also gets it. Separation from the rest of the family seems to be the most effective punishment right now.

 

[brbgrl]

Correct your children in a way they can comprehend. Don’t be afraid to show displease.
DO NOT SPANK THEM.
Those passages in the Bible are about parental correction, not physical violence. Once you start hitting them, they will escalate their hitting of each other. you for sure don’t want a teen who solves conflict with hitting. He will begin to hit you.
God bless you. As Xantippe says, things WILL get better as they mature.

I did not intend for this to become a debate on corporal punishment, but I guess you run that risk when you ask for advice on discipline. We have made the decision not to spank. We also believe you cannot punish hitting by hitting. That just doesn’t make sense. I have a friend who spanks her children and then was mortified when her daughter hit someone at school who was picking on her.

 

[Kelfa28]

Correct your children in a way they can comprehend. Don’t be afraid to show displease.
DO NOT SPANK THEM.
Those passages in the Bible are about parental correction, not physical violence. Once you start hitting them, they will escalate their hitting of each other. you for sure don’t want a teen who solves conflict with hitting. He will begin to hit you.
God bless you. As Xantippe says, things WILL get better as they mature.

I absolutely agree with this.

I didn’t want to stir the pot and feed something that could erupt…but you are very correct.

Especially when a parent’s patience has run thin and spanking goes far beyond a “correction” and enters into an outlet for the parent’s frustration and anger.

That is not healthy for a child and teaches them to not only fear you but use physical violence as an outlet for their frustration and anger.

Spanking should never be a first and readily used punishment for any child…especially for one so young.
I’m in the camp that believes spanking is a form of child abuse.
I can’t imagine striking my innocent 3.5 year old daughter just because I’m frustrated by her behavior.
You need to find the root of the problem and fix that.

Most tantrums arise because their is an issue that needs to be addressed such as hunger, thirst, boredom, exhaustion.
When my oldest was at the height of her tantrums…it was because she had trouble communicating.
How would hitting her solve any of those problems?
They are still frustrated and still hungry/tired/bored or whatever…but now they are scared and in pain.
The problem is not solved.
Figure out what is wrong and let your child know you are love them because you want to find out why they are so angry.

 

[Kelfa28]

I did not intend for this to become a debate on corporal punishment, but I guess you run that risk when you ask for advice on discipline. We have made the decision not to spank. We also believe you cannot punish hitting by hitting. That just doesn’t make sense. I have a friend who spanks her children and then was mortified when her daughter hit someone at school who was picking on her.

So disregard that post about corporeal punishment.

It shouldn’t have been brought up in the first place.

 

[pianistclare]

I have to agree with pianistclare on this one. Spanking children teaches that if you are angry, hit! I’m not saying such people will grow up to be abusers but as grade schoolers when developmentally they should be past the physical stuff, they are still pushing and hitting. Now it’s the school’s problem.

Yup. Ask any school teacher. The kids who regularly get hit…HIT.
hard. And then people are all upset that their child got attacked.
And then the kid that hits everyone goes home and gets hit harder for misbehaving.
No, it’s never OK to raise a hand to anyone. Some people cannot tell the difference between “I hit you because I love you” and “I hit you BECAUSE I love you”.
Abuse is abuse. Ask any battered person. Justify it all you want, but it doesn’t work the same way for everyone. how they react cannot be predicted.
My children never got spanked. They never caused a scene in public, they never screamed in Mass, they never were avoided by their peers, they were always beloved of their teachers and friends. In short, they had good coping skills and were good little citizens of the world. All done with other non-violent methods of discipline. It can be done.
Clearly some people turn out ok, but it’s not a chance I’d take with my children, or anybody else’s.