How to Handle a Possible 2nd-Class Friend Christmas Season Invite?

  • Thread starter Thread starter the_phoenix
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

the_phoenix

Guest
So this past Friday before Christmas, a supposed “friend” called to see if I’d made it home okay after work through the snow storm. She then asked if I was going home for Christmas. Since she asked me a direct question, I gave her a direct answer. Too bad for her, the answer was not one she liked. The answer was basically, “No, because my family had frozen me out and after the treatment I received last year over the holidays, it wasn’t worth it for me to drive hundreds of miles to suffer through the same thing again … or even worse, since there was no apology from the main wrongdoer, who in fact claimed to have done nothing wrong.” This friend knows that this family situation has occurred for some time and is not just an overnight thing, and should know that it’s not a decision I reached lightly.

At this point, the friend’s voice changed so you could almost hear a guilty frown. She described her Christmas plans about getting together before Christmas with her family (which in fact made me believe she might be free at some point on Christmas Day or Eve) … and then she trailed off into an uncomfortable silence. In the background, a friend of hers suggested I drop by some time for a glass of “Christmas cheer” … but no firm plans were made, and my “friend” made some half-hearted polite attempt to say that would give me “something to look forward to” … but she couldn’t or wouldn’t say exactly when. And I was not about to invite myself over. … As background, sometimes the three of us go out to dinner together and take turns paying … at our last meal, I paid for us all.

If this person does happen to call me in the next day or two to invite me over for that glass of Christmas cheer, what would be the best way to respond? Accept the invitation and then have an honest talk about my feelings with these two in person? Accept the invitation, get together with them, and simply be nice? Tell them how I feel on the phone? Or would it be better to ignore my answering machine and not respond at all? What would you do? Any suggestions?

By the way … the next day, I made arrangements with a new friend to go out for dinner and see The Hobbit movie on Christmas Eve, so I did have someone to be with who was on the same wavelength and appreciated my company.

Merry Christmas to all of you,

the phoenix

…
 
Hmmm, something is missing here from the story. You seem to be angry at your friend, but I am not sure why.

I am not understanding your use of the term “2nd class” nor your putting the word friend in quotation marks.
 
It just seemed like she was all happy to talk to me and sounded very concerned about my safety and well being when it came to getting home safely … but wow, the tone immediately and drastically changed as soon as she asked and I answered about Christmas plans. It seems I need to lower my expectations as to what kind of a friend she is? I do realize that she and I have never been at the level of best friends. It seems though that for some reason I’m not the kind of friend she would be comfortable seeing on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, even though we live close by. It’s not as though I would want to barge in on unwrapping presents around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning or anything like that. So maybe we’re more like acquaintances? She was the one who had called me that evening, but by the time we got off the phone it seemed she really would rather not be talking to me. Like, if I had just told her, “Oh, I’ve got plans this Christmas” and left it at that, she would have been happy not to know the real answer to her question.

I have been blessed with a super good best friend I met here on CAF, named Heidi / spiritualunity … lost her to heart disease last January though. While Heidi and I never managed to meet in person due to distance, health, finances … we still managed to be there for each other and could feel we had a strong friendship. We kept in close contact … and when we weren’t in contact, could still trust that our friendship was intact, strong, and caring.

~~ the phoenix
 
the_phoenix said:
It just seemed like she was all happy to talk to me and sounded very concerned about my safety and well being when it came to getting home safely … but wow, the tone immediately and drastically changed as soon as she asked and I answered about Christmas plans. It seems I need to lower my expectations as to what kind of a friend she is? I do realize that she and I have never been at the level of best friends.
Click to expand...
Perhaps you shared more detail than was comfortable for her, about the reason for your staying in this year.
 
I’m still not seeing it.

I think you’ve made up a story in your head about what she was thinnking/doing.

Maybe it is your family situation and the story you relayed that made her uncomfortable, not the fact that you had no plans for Christmas. If you literally said what you put in quotes in your OP, I would be uncomfortable too. It was a rather “in your face” and angry response.
 
the_phoenix said:
So this past Friday before Christmas, a supposed “friend” called to see if I’d made it home okay after work through the snow storm. She then asked if I was going home for Christmas. Since she asked me a direct question, I gave her a direct answer. Too bad for her, the answer was not one she liked. The answer was basically, “No, because my family had frozen me out and after the treatment I received last year over the holidays, it wasn’t worth it for me to drive hundreds of miles to suffer through the same thing again … or even worse, since there was no apology from the main wrongdoer, who in fact claimed to have done nothing wrong.” This friend knows that this family situation has occurred for some time and is not just an overnight thing, and should know that it’s not a decision I reached lightly.

At this point, the friend’s voice changed so you could almost hear a guilty frown. She described her Christmas plans about getting together before Christmas with her family (which in fact made me believe she might be free at some point on Christmas Day or Eve) … and then she trailed off into an uncomfortable silence. In the background, a friend of hers suggested I drop by some time for a glass of “Christmas cheer” … but no firm plans were made, and my “friend” made some half-hearted polite attempt to say that would give me “something to look forward to” … but she couldn’t or wouldn’t say exactly when. And I was not about to invite myself over. … As background, sometimes the three of us go out to dinner together and take turns paying … at our last meal, I paid for us all.

If this person does happen to call me in the next day or two to invite me over for that glass of Christmas cheer, what would be the best way to respond? Accept the invitation and then have an honest talk about my feelings with these two in person? Accept the invitation, get together with them, and simply be nice? Tell them how I feel on the phone? Or would it be better to ignore my answering machine and not respond at all? What would you do? Any suggestions?

By the way … the next day, I made arrangements with a new friend to go out for dinner and see The Hobbit movie on Christmas Eve, so I did have someone to be with who was on the same wavelength and appreciated my company.

Merry Christmas to all of you,

the phoenix

…
Click to expand...
It sounds as though the friend is not on that level of information with you. That it was “TMI,” to tell her everything about why you are not going to see family. She may have felt guilty, but not felt comfortable inviting you into her holiday either. From the way you describe your relationship with these 2 people, it’s at a shallow level, and maybe you have resentments already about paying for their meal list time? I don’t know, but it sounds from the way you describe it, that you aren’t getting a whole lot out of these friendships anyway, so if you want to just ignore the implied invitation, go for it.

Or if they eventually do invite you, go, have a drink, keep it light, and move on.

🤷
 
It could very well be my family situation and the story I relayed that made her uncomfortable, not the fact that I had no plans for Christmas, as you say, 1ke.

As for what I said to her, it was not an exact word-for-word what I had in between quotes … which can be quite abrupt for someone who has no idea about the background or history involved … I was shortening things up to put in the post and hope by doing so I haven’t been misleading. That said, I know for a fact that I answer questions way more directly and to the point than most people do in social situations. This friend did in fact already know something about the background concerning my family, and has known for a few years, starting with my father’s death about three years ago (I was very close to my father). In any case, I can well imagine I came across as brusque. Now she has known me for about 15 years, and in all that time this is the first year I did not travel out-of-state to visit relatives for Christmas, so I suppose that took her by surprise.

Thing is, “uncomfortable” does seem to be an honest way to look at things … the two of us have been hanging out for a long time now, and don’t seem quite compatible despite the passage of time … maybe due to some age difference between us, differences in temperament, but we somehow keep on getting together socially from time to time without ever becoming closer or growing as friends, though we do share being Catholic, devotion to the Rosary and Eucharistic Adoration, birdwatching, and eating out occasionally. Still, somehow we’re not on the same wavelength.

Anyways, am wondering what the right thing to do would be in this case.

~~ the phoenix
 
the_phoenix said:
Anyways, am wondering what the right thing to do would be in this case.
Click to expand...
Well, I mean only you can really deecide that. There is no one right thing to do. It seems to me your choices are:
  1. Accept these people as they are and continue the friendship on the level you are each capable of giving to this relationship such as the occasional dinner, drink and phone call.
  2. Accept that this friendship will never be what you want/need in a friendship and let it naturally fade away by declining invitations or by directly saying that you feel the friendship is really not going anywhere (caution that may be too direct for most people’s taste).
Perhaps you are also grieving your friend that you did click with here on CAF and have some unconscious prejudice/resentment that these women cannot be that type of friendship. Grief is natural, and I am sorry for the loss of your friends.

Holidays bring up all sorts of emotions, so maybe let the holidays pass and then revisit this friendship thing.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
It sounds as though the friend is not on that level of information with you. That it was “TMI,” to tell her everything about why you are not going to see family. She may have felt guilty, but not felt comfortable inviting you into her holiday either. From the way you describe your relationship with these 2 people, it’s at a shallow level, and maybe you have resentments already about paying for their meal list time? I don’t know, but it sounds from the way you describe it, that you aren’t getting a whole lot out of these friendships anyway, so if you want to just ignore the implied invitation, go for it.

Or if they eventually do invite you, go, have a drink, keep it light, and move on.

🤷
Click to expand...
Hi TheRealJuliane,

Thank you for your insight and practical advice.

Shallow … that seems to hit the nail right on the head, and makes it easier for me to see clearly.

It has been shallow for about 15 years, and while I’ve kept hoping for better, this is an indication that it might be better for me to pray for and look for new friends that have more in common such that we can enjoy each others’ company and be ourselves at the same time.

As for paying for meals, I’ve been happy to treat them, as they’ve definitely done their share in paying for mine, so I definitely cannot complain as far as that goes.

So basically you’re saying that ignoring the invitation or accepting it and keeping it light are both socially acceptable ways to go, in each instance remaining polite of course. I appreciate hearing this opinion, and am sure it will help me decide what to do should I be faced with a choice.

~ the phoenix
 
1ke said:
Well, I mean only you can really deecide that. There is no one right thing to do. It seems to me your choices are:
  1. Accept these people as they are and continue the friendship on the level you are each capable of giving to this relationship such as the occasional dinner, drink and phone call.
  2. Accept that this friendship will never be what you want/need in a friendship and let it naturally fade away by declining invitations or by directly saying that you feel the friendship is really not going anywhere (caution that may be too direct for most people’s taste).
Perhaps you are also grieving your friend that you did click with here on CAF and have some unconscious prejudice/resentment that these women cannot be that type of friendship. Grief is natural, and I am sorry for the loss of your friends.

Holidays bring up all sorts of emotions, so maybe let the holidays pass and then revisit this friendship thing.
Click to expand...
Thank you too for your suggestions here, and your kind sentiments.

I always mean well and want to do the right thing, but it helps to know what others would do.

2013 does look to be a good year in terms of working towards my goals in art and other pursuits, seeing the Hobbit movie yesterday was very uplifting … I love how Gandalf talks about the Shire and the type of goodness (simple everyday kindness) he finds there, and the new friend I saw the movie with seems to share my interests, enthusiasm, eccentricity, and imagination.

~~ the phoenix
 
jmcrae said:
Perhaps you shared more detail than was comfortable for her, about the reason for your staying in this year.
Click to expand...
Sorry I missed seeing your post until just now, jmcrae …
my response to you will likely echo what I’ve been posting to others …
Yes, I can see what you’re saying …
that said, we’ve known each other an awfully long time, (years)
so if we can’t be comfortable now …
Thank you for your kind response.
 
the_phoenix said:
Hi TheRealJuliane,

Thank you for your insight and practical advice.

Shallow … that seems to hit the nail right on the head, and makes it easier for me to see clearly.

It has been shallow for about 15 years, and while I’ve kept hoping for better, this is an indication that it might be better for me to pray for and look for new friends that have more in common such that we can enjoy each others’ company and be ourselves at the same time.

As for paying for meals, I’ve been happy to treat them, as they’ve definitely done their share in paying for mine, so I definitely cannot complain as far as that goes.

So basically you’re saying that ignoring the invitation or accepting it and keeping it light are both socially acceptable ways to go, in each instance remaining polite of course. I appreciate hearing this opinion, and am sure it will help me decide what to do should I be faced with a choice.

~ the phoenix
Click to expand...
Yes, and now that you recognize that your expectations of this relationship are out of line with the reality (shallow), you can make the decisions you need to about where to go from here. As 1ke says, the relationships may not meet all of your needs, but you can still keep them on that “shallow” level. Some people will just never want to go any deeper than that, and that can be OK, if you decide that it is enough. It sounds to me as though you may have gone over a social boundary - that the “2nd class friend” felt uncomfortable with such intimate sharing about your family, since you aren’t “that kind” of friend.

From what you say, I doubt if you will get an invitation but if you do, just do what you feel like in the moment. If you’re up for some light company, then do it. If not, and you want more of a true friend, then tell them you have plans, but “let’s get together as usual after the holidays.”

These kinds of experiences can really lead to personal growth as we understand more about what we want and need in a friend, and who our friends really are, as opposed to who we wish they were.
 
the_phoenix said:
Sorry I missed seeing your post until just now, jmcrae …
my response to you will likely echo what I’ve been posting to others …
Yes, I can see what you’re saying …
that said, we’ve known each other an awfully long time, (years)
so if we can’t be comfortable now …
Thank you for your kind response.
Click to expand...
With some people, it just never gets that comfortable.

I’ve recently been stung a bit, too, from sharing too much information with someone, forgetting that I didn’t know them in the right kind of way for the dumb little joke I made.

So I know a little bit of how you feel. If she does come through (which I doubt she will) I would accept the invitation, have a drink with her, and keep the conversation away from personal matters.
 
jmcrae said:
With some people, it just never gets that comfortable.

I’ve recently been stung a bit, too, from sharing too much information with someone, forgetting that I didn’t know them in the right kind of way for the dumb little joke I made.

So I know a little bit of how you feel. If she does come through (which I doubt she will) I would accept the invitation, have a drink with her, and keep the conversation away from personal matters.
Click to expand...
Well, now you’re getting me curious about the “dumb little joke” … 🙂
but I can understand not wanting to post such a thing on a public forum, that’s for sure!
I suppose sometimes we can forget that
just because we might be comfortable,
the other person isn’t.
Nice to hear your view on things.
 
the_phoenix said:
…If this person does happen to call me in the next day or two to invite me over for that glass of Christmas cheer, what would be the best way to respond? Accept the invitation and then have an honest talk about my feelings with these two in person? Accept the invitation, get together with them, and simply be nice? Tell them how I feel on the phone? Or would it be better to ignore my answering machine and not respond at all? What would you do? Any suggestions?..
Click to expand...
When you see her again, apologize for giving her too much information and tell her that it was not your intention to put her on the spot to give you a nice Christmas. Let her know that you had a nice Christmas with the friend you went to the movies with, but that you thought it was so nice of her to offer to include you when she already had plans of her own.

IOW, let her know that you hope she didn’t waste any of her Christmas laying a guilt trip on herself because you over-vented a bit, and that you think she’s a very nice person. I think she’ll appreciate being let off that hook.
 
I don’t think the person who posted this has anything to be upset about.

Christmas is a time to get together with your family. Of course it is nice to invite a friend or neighbor who has no plans, but I think family always gets the highest priority. Whenever I host a Christmas dinner, it seems that I always have more relatives than I can comfortably feed, given the size of my kitchen and my pots and pans. Therefore, it is not too likely that I would end up inviting a friend over for Christmas.

It sounds to me like the person who posted put her friend in an uncomfortable position. Her rant about not wanting to be with her family probably made the friend feel that she “should” invite her over. Maybe the friend was already invited to someone else’s house and felt she couldn’t put the hostess in an uncomfortable position by asking if she could invite an extra person.

If her friend was having a party at her own place, maybe she just wasn’t in a position to invite an extra person. It is also possible that her friend was having some difficult relatives over, and she was too embarrassed to have anyone meet them.

There are all kinds of possibilities that could cause her friend to respond the way she did.

I think it is normal to tell your friends that you can get together either before or after Christmas, but not on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. There is no reason to be upset.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top