How to handle a problem wi/ husband

[TonyaR]

It sounds to me like he made more of an agreement than he had wanted to. Maybe he felt forced and he had no other option. Has your baby been injured when your husband is watching him? Why do you think that your husband is not adult enough to know whether he can do both things at once?

I find it interesting too that your initial post is all about your feelings of being disrespected and not one of concern about your child. Maybe it seems to your husband that your feelings of being in control are really more important to you than the issue of child safety.

Just trying to offer an alternative perspective here…

Well, I wasn’t trying to get help with the issue of his watching our son. The original post was about how I can express my feelings to him without him thinking I am selfish when more info was requested regarding the situation. So I gave more info with the details of the whole argument. I am constantly requesting that he watch our son and keep him happy and entertained and safe. I am constantly working to keep my son well cared for and I feel my husband cares more about tv and computer than anything else. My son suffers and fusses in his care a lot because he doesn’t pay attention to him. So I feel very hurt and disrespected when we make an agreement that all the details were fully disclosed and he doesn’t honor it. What kind of example is this to our son? This is true with all of our agreements. He has never cared much for my feelings and so I am hoping to get him to understand that having feelings and expressing them appropriately isn’t selfish. His response to me is selfish which is also what I am worried about my son seeing as an example.

I hope this clarifies the situation.

 

[whatevergirl]

That is a good suggestion, but my husbands answer to this when I have asked to trade was to order pizza or make a frozen meal. He won’t actually do the cooking.

LOL–sounds a little like me. I don’t like cooking all that much. Well, hmm…I should have my husband chime into this thread, but he’s not home right now! Buying our son his meds for his soon-to-be oral surgery tomorrow. (Please say a little prayer for him, would you Tonya? thank you)

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. My husband and I have had communication issues early on in our marriage. He is very literal, I’m more emotional. I don’t believe in not speaking and acting like nothing happened, but he is more like that. Over time, as we developed through our faith, things got much better. Your husband’s behavior is not unlike someone who doesn’t want to change, ha! So, know that it’s not abnormal or anything. I remember when I didn’t like being confronted with issues I needed to work on, and would lash out. Try to be calm, and maybe sit with him and explain how you feel about things. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[TonyaR]

Maybe, once again, this is a problem of definition?

Maybe to you, “cooking” means a hand-prepared meal with nice presentation that indicates you’ve made an effort to please your family rather than just “feed” them.

Maybe to him, “cooking” means getting something to eat on the table 'cause we’re all hungry. Pizza or a frozen meal fulfils the requirement.

Bear in mind that I’m an engineer () but if I was asked to “do the cooking” and I put a microwave dinner out and someone then passed comment that I “won’t actually do the cooking” then I personally would feel just a tad maligned. “Cooking” = “turning cold food into hot food” and that’s just what I did - whassa problem?

What do you mean by “do the cooking”? What is important about it you that isn’t met by a frozen dinner or pizza? Can you communicate that whatever-it-is to your husband?

Yes my idea of cooking is very different. I am very concerned about health and eating pizza and frozen meals every other night would be a detriment to our health. He is very aware of what I consider cooking. He doesn’t want to cook, he will say he would rather watch the baby than cook, but then doesn’t focus on him.

 

[TonyaR]

LOL–sounds a little like me. I don’t like cooking all that much. Well, hmm…I should have my husband chime into this thread, but he’s not home right now! Buying our son his meds for his soon-to-be oral surgery tomorrow. (Please say a little prayer for him, would you Tonya? thank you)

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. My husband and I have had communication issues early on in our marriage. He is very literal, I’m more emotional. I don’t believe in not speaking and acting like nothing happened, but he is more like that. Over time, as we developed through our faith, things got much better. Your husband’s behavior is not unlike someone who doesn’t want to change, ha! So, know that it’s not abnormal or anything. I remember when I didn’t like being confronted with issues I needed to work on, and would lash out. Try to be calm, and maybe sit with him and explain how you feel about things. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks! I will say a prayer.

 

[deb1]

Yes my idea of cooking is very different. I am very concerned about health and eating pizza and frozen meals every other night would be a detriment to our health. He is very aware of what I consider cooking. He doesn’t want to cook, he will say he would rather watch the baby than cook, but then doesn’t focus on him.

Cooking healthy is important to YOU, but it might not be to him. I’m sorry but making a pizza or frozen food might not be healthy but it is ‘cooking’.

It sounds like you** both** have issues with communication. Also, you both seem to want things your own individual way.

I think that you are going to have to be very, very specific with what you want from your hubby, but give him room to do things his way. If you want him to care for the baby while you cook, then say exactly what caring for the baby involves. For example, 'For thirty minutes dear, I want you to watch the baby without getting on the computer. That means play with him, change his diaper etc."

But if he cooks then you are just going to have to live with frozen meals. Also, if he cooks, you shouldn’t complain if he does something differently then you do it.

Also, it is very normal for babies to fuss after their mother. My hubby is a great dad, but our four kids all went through periods were they only wanted me when they were little. Could your hubby play with your son outside while you are cooking? That way the baby will be physically apart from you and maybe won’t fuss after you so much?

 

[TonyaR]

Cooking healthy is important to YOU, but it might not be to him. I’m sorry but making a pizza or frozen food might not be healthy but it is ‘cooking’.

It sounds like you** both** have issues with communication. Also, you both seem to want things your own individual way.

I think that you are going to have to be very, very specific with what you want from your hubby, but give him room to do things his way. If you want him to care for the baby while you cook, then say exactly what caring for the baby involves. For example, 'For thirty minutes dear, I want you to watch the baby without getting on the computer. That means play with him, change his diaper etc."

But if he cooks then you are just going to have to live with frozen meals. Also, if he cooks, you shouldn’t complain if he does something differently then you do it.

Also, it is very normal for babies to fuss after their mother. My hubby is a great dad, but our four kids all went through periods were they only wanted me when they were little. Could your hubby play with your son outside while you are cooking? That way the baby will be physically apart from you and maybe won’t fuss after you so much?

Yes cooking is VERY important to me. But the thing that I thought was important in marriage is to honor what is important to the other. Cooking is one of my number 1’s. I honor many important things to my husband that bug me. I do not compromise on some things which would compromise my values and vice versa.

I think you are right about our individualism. I think unfortunately we are a mismatch and actually I have grown and change a lot since married. He hasn’t change a whole lot.

I think you are also right about a baby fussing after mom no matter what. We went through that stage. But now, I am certain, it is because dad isn’t interacting with him all the time. He is a very bright and energetic child. I do stuff during the day around the house, but I never let my son be in distress to do what I want to do unless it is very important.

 

[deb1]

Yes cooking is VERY important to me. But the thing that I thought was important in marriage is to honor what is important to the other. Cooking is one of my number 1’s. I honor many important things to my husband that bug me. I do not compromise on some things which would compromise my values and vice versa.

I think you are right about our individualism. I think unfortunately we are a mismatch and actually I have grown and change a lot since married. He hasn’t change a whole lot.

I think you are also right about a baby fussing after mom no matter what. We went through that stage. But now, I am certain, it is because dad isn’t interacting with him all the time. He is a very bright and energetic child. I do stuff during the day around the house, but I never let my son be in distress to do what I want to do unless it is very important.

Unless he is abusing you or your son, you are going to have to find a way to make your individual natures blend together. Sorry. You can’t just get divorced in the Catholic Church. Even if you get divorced legally, there is no guarantee that the Church would grant you an annulment. Thus you couldn’t marry any one else.

Honestly, your problems don’t sound any more severe then many couples. This sounds like a workable marriage.

What kind of father was your Father-In-Law? Perhaps your hubby doesn’t know how to enteract with a young child.

 

[stadre]

Well, I wasn’t trying to get help with the issue of his watching our son. The original post was about how I can express my feelings to him without him thinking I am selfish when more info was requested regarding the situation. So I gave more info with the details of the whole argument. I am constantly requesting that he watch our son and keep him happy and entertained and safe. I am constantly working to keep my son well cared for and I feel my husband cares more about tv and computer than anything else. My son suffers and fusses in his care a lot because he doesn’t pay attention to him. So I feel very hurt and disrespected when we make an agreement that all the details were fully disclosed and he doesn’t honor it. What kind of example is this to our son? This is true with all of our agreements. He has never cared much for my feelings and so I am hoping to get him to understand that having feelings and expressing them appropriately isn’t selfish. His response to me is selfish which is also what I am worried about my son seeing as an example.

I hope this clarifies the situation.

I don’t know if it will help in your situation, but I don’t think it will hurt: Have you read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? It strikes me that Dr. Laura wrote about similar situations.

 

[Guitar]

I think you are also right about a baby fussing after mom no matter what. We went through that stage. But now, I am certain, it is because dad isn’t interacting with him all the time. He is a very bright and energetic child. I do stuff during the day around the house, but I never let my son be in distress to do what I want to do unless it is very important.

Does your husband understand all that in those words, though? Does he know and have you told him that what you need to get your stuff done is to have an un-distressed baby and that means him actively engaging the baby? Does he understand that you feel the need to drop what you are doing if the baby seems distressed and that that is what you really need the help with?

Because of my job I am very attuned to direct expression of the real, fundamental underlying requirement and ensuring there is common understanding of terminology used to express that requirement. If you think he’s not “minding the baby” and he thinks he is “minding the baby” and one side is saying “you didn’t mind the baby” and the other is saying, “I did” because you both understand “minding the baby” to mean different things then it all goes nowhere fast.

Of course, if you have spelled it all out but to no avail, maybe he doesn’t care. It sounds like you are living with a lot of frustration. :console:

You asked about communication and that’s all I can really suggest - that when you express something you spell out the real, actual underlying requirement or issue. Without wishing to harp on a point, “I need the baby minded” is subtly different to, “I need freedom from any physical or emotional pressure from a distressed baby while I get some stuff done so please take complete responsibility for him until I’m finished, even if he does want mummy” which rules out your husband hearing, “please mind the baby for as long as he seems happy but I’ll take over again when he becomes a handful”.

In keeping the lines of communication open, maybe it helps to recognise that on biggies like hygiene and safety and morals and long-term nutrition we’re entitled to hold to our own standards on but in other things we have limited entitlement to “micromanage” the way others perform their work. I don’t feel communicative or inclined to make concessions when I feel others are overstepping that boundary - “you don’t like the way I do it, do it yourself” is how I tend to react. I’m not saying you are doing this - can’t tell from an internet forum - but maybe being conscious that this could be a source of frustration sapping at willingness to cooperate might help?

 

[TonyaR]

I don’t know if it will help in your situation, but I don’t think it will hurt: Have you read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? It strikes me that Dr. Laura wrote about similar situations.

Yes, and I listen to her regularly. I do think her book is good and her advice is usually good.

 

[TonyaR]

You asked about your feelings, but please let me say this first. There is a strong possibility that your husband is not the kind of father that will interact with his child “all the time”. I think this is unfortunately something you may need to try and accept, and hopefully be able to live with as much as it frustrates you unless you are willing to divorce over it.

I know you are frustrated because you love your son and want a happy home. You want your husband to have the same committment that you do so you can share your life together happily. You must love your husband and I am sure he loves you as well.

You asked about how to express your feelings without sounding selfish…but it is really a matter of you and your husband butting heads over each getting your own way. There is no way to express your “feelings” gently to each other…when ultimately your “feeling” is irritation that you are not getting your own way! You can try and express your feelings 1000 different ways but your husband will still see that you are trying to tell him to do what he does not want to do, and vice-versa. I don’t think there are any magic words you can use to express yourself.

I resented my husband when my son was young because he used to sit and watch T.V. while our son sat on the floor with his toys. I got irritated because it didn’t seem like he played with him enough, or read him books, or watched educational videos. As a new mother I read constantly about how to parent and what was best for our son educationally and developmentally. I was committed to being a good mom and I got downright resentful that my husband wasn’t on the same page! I think in his mind he was being a good dad if he was in the room, our son was safe, fed and had clean clothes! That was enough for him.

We had many arguments over this. Most arguments were me telling him what a rotten father he was. Sometimes I was right, sometimes not.

Try and be flexible. Tell your husband that frozen pizzas are okay. Kiss him. Tell him he is a wonderful father. Tell him you are happy you married him. It sounds like your husband may be a little lazy for your tastes but it doesn’t sound like he is abusive or neglectful. Maybe you can try another retreat? It sounds like this is just the tip of the iceberg. I will pray for you, I know you are trying to make your marriage work or else you would not have posted here. Please take care.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

[TonyaR]

Yeah, I think I will try to be very specific from now on and try to leave the feelings out as much as possible. I honestly don’t think he cares about my feelings, but I know he does love his son. So if I can be more direct with what I need him to do with regard to the care or our son, it may help a little. I did try it tonight, but it seems he is in a power struggle and wants to make sure he can hold over on me and not do what I ask. But overall he is doing better tonight.

He has a lot of issues because of how he was raised. An overbearing controlling mentally ill mom and a a neurotic mentally ill passive lazy dad. I trying not to relive his childhood with him. It just hurts so much that he doesn’t care about how I feel. It hurts when I see my child needing attention and needing a good role model. I don’t mean to sound negative, but these are the facts. I can see how his childhood plays into our daily lives and how I can easily fall prey to living out his childhood with him. I just wish I could set aside my feelings and not feel hurt and disrespected which are my own issues.

I want to be a good role model to my child, so I wish I could find a way to not feel hurt and at least express myself in a charitable way, expressing myself in way that will not cause him to react so uncharitably. Ugh! I don’t know what to do even after all ya’lls comments. I honestly have tried a lot of what has been suggested. I guess I need to find a way to live with the pain but doing so charitably.

I feel so unsure about what to do. Someone had mentioned that divorce is uncatholic but I never mentioned divorce as an option. I would only ever separate in hopes of driving a change into the marriage for the better good of all to grow into the people God calls us to be. MY previous Catholic counselor even suggested a separation after my husband quit because he didn’t want to be held accountable for his behavior. I am not sure if I should be intimate with my husband who doesn’t care for my feelings or needs. He is constantly devaluing my values which he doesn’t agree with. I am so lost about what to do and don’t know where to turn. Counseling isn’t an option because my husband bully’s me to quit because he thinks it is a waste of time and money.

Sorry for the rant!

 

[whatevergirl]

Yeah, I think I will try to be very specific from now on and try to leave the feelings out as much as possible. I honestly don’t think he cares about my feelings, but I know he does love his son. So if I can be more direct with what I need him to do with regard to the care or our son, it may help a little. I did try it tonight, but it seems he is in a power struggle and wants to make sure he can hold over on me and not do what I ask. But overall he is doing better tonight.

He has a lot of issues because of how he was raised. An overbearing controlling mentally ill mom and a a neurotic mentally ill passive lazy dad. I trying not to relive his childhood with him. It just hurts so much that he doesn’t care about how I feel. It hurts when I see my child needing attention and needing a good role model. I don’t mean to sound negative, but these are the facts. I can see how his childhood plays into our daily lives and how I can easily fall prey to living out his childhood with him. I just wish I could set aside my feelings and not feel hurt and disrespected which are my own issues.

I want to be a good role model to my child, so I wish I could find a way to not feel hurt and at least express myself in a charitable way, expressing myself in way that will not cause him to react so uncharitably. Ugh! I don’t know what to do even after all ya’lls comments. I honestly have tried a lot of what has been suggested. I guess I need to find a way to live with the pain but doing so charitably.

I feel so unsure about what to do. Someone had mentioned that divorce is uncatholic but I never mentioned divorce as an option. I would only ever separate in hopes of driving a change into the marriage for the better good of all to grow into the people God calls us to be. MY previous Catholic counselor even suggested a separation after my husband quit because he didn’t want to be held accountable for his behavior. I am not sure if I should be intimate with my husband who doesn’t care for my feelings or needs. He is constantly devaluing my values which he doesn’t agree with. I am so lost about what to do and don’t know where to turn. Counseling isn’t an option because my husband bully’s me to quit because he thinks it is a waste of time and money.

Sorry for the rant!

Hi Tonya! One thing I wanted to say reading your first paragraph, is that you might not think he cares, but men and women express themselves differently. My husband is pretty emotionless…or two emotions, happy or angry. There is no sadness or weepy feelings, like I get when I’m angry. Women express themselves a bit differently, not all, but many cry when we are angry. I used to say to my husband eons ago…‘you don’t care how I feel.’ It’s a hard place to go from there. He would say,’ not when you act like that.’ We all know how that argument probably ended up. Over time, I grew to accept my husband for all he was…and see in him, Christ. It took a lot of years LOL But, I would pray that God would help me to see Him in my husband. And for my husband to see Christ, in me. It really was a worthwhile prayer, because we truly see each other in such different lights now. My husband is still pretty emotionless, but he has become a much better communicator, and is more careful when he speaks. I have learned to not cry my way through a debate, or go into our bedroom and sulk. (everyone has their thing) Those fights really don’t happen anymore, because as soon as we see it coming, I’ll say…see Christ in me honey. And we stop. He has also said it…‘Sharon, would you say that to Christ?’ That’s a low blow. lol But, it works to diffuse many an argument, so maybe try a few different approaches. Know that your husband’s personality might just be the way it’s going to be, but if he moves an inch, and you move an inch, you’ll both be happier in your marriage in the long run. And remember…see Christ in him. ((( hugs))) to you!

PS: When my husband and I started some of these new approaches, we literally sat down at the kitchen table and wrote down on a piece of paper what our problems were, and how each could fix them. And we discussed talking to each other differently. My husband likes to have summits when it comes to change in the family.

 

[deb1]

Someone had mentioned that divorce is uncatholic but I never mentioned divorce as an option.!

That was me, but I didn’t say that divorce was unCatholic. I said that it might not be possible for you to get an annulment. You could get a legal divorce but you would not be free to remarry. Perhaps, I worded by post badly.

 

[kage_ar]

Going to suggest a couple of Catholic resources to you.

First is a book, “Three to Get Married” by Fulton J. Sheen

Second is another book…“The Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly.

Third is a web site.
exceptionalmarriages.com/about.htm

One last thing, a wise person once said, women marry expecting the man to change, men marry expecting the woman not to change.

An idea - could you pre-cook some meals and freeze them, so, when DH decides to cook, he can have a frozen meal that you will like?

 

[dulcissima]

I’m going to give you some advice, but first I will give you the disclaimer that I am divorced…so, it is kind of up to you to decide whether you want to consider it on it’s own merit. I was married to a controlling abusive husband, in many ways the opposite of your husband (although he still preferred watching TV to interacting with the kids). I just want to let you know, with the husband that you have, you really are ahead of the curve, maybe more so than you realize.

Because I was in a relationship where my spouse was totally controlling, I’ve kind of been noticing how every relationship has some interesting control dynamics. I notice my sister, who is a totally nice person has control issues and really has a tendency to walk on her husband and while she is a great mom, it takes some effort on her part to give her kids a healthy degree of independence. She will have clashes with her mother-in-law who also is controlling. I think that her husband, and other men who tend to be somewhat passive, was used to having a take charge woman in his life and that is why he was drawn to her. I’m sure this dynamic has its upsides as well as its downsides. My sister though has realized that this is something that she needs to keep in check and is really making an effort.

So, you are wanting your husband to show you that he cares about you and your feelings. You want him to not be so passive as a father. I’m just wondering about how effective it would be to micromanage him and tell him everything specifically that you want him to do. I mean, is that going to encourage involvement or passivity? Maybe there is a way to do it if you are just making suggestions and he is not made to feel in trouble if he doesn’t do everything your way. And cutting off relations with him, that is really only a way to make him feel unimportant and less of a man. I’m just worried that your approach might have the opposite effect of what you want.

My mom remarried not too long after my dad died and had a baby. My stepfather had some struggles learning to be an involved dad. Do you know what my mom did? She built him up. When he would pull up in the car, she would say to my little sister in an excited voice “Daddy’s home” and encourage her to run and give him a hug. It really did make him feel good to have his family excited and happy that he was home. He kind of grew into the role, and he and my sister have an amazing relationship.

I just think that you need to keep in mind your long term vision for your family. What do you really want and what is the most effective way to have that for the big picture? Sure, withholding relations might get your husband’s attention and get you what you want for the short term, but long term, don’t you think making your husband feel wanted and appreciated would have a better outcome?

Your husband is probably not going to ever be a Type A go-getter, but seriously I would bet that with some encouragement he could grow into the leadership role that I really do think is his God-given place as husband and father. I think you should have high hopes for him.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

He has a lot of issues because of how he was raised. An overbearing controlling mentally ill mom and a a neurotic mentally ill passive lazy dad. I trying not to relive his childhood with him. It just hurts so much that he doesn’t care about how I feel. It hurts when I see my child needing attention and needing a good role model. I don’t mean to sound negative, but these are the facts. I can see how his childhood plays into our daily lives and how I can easily fall prey to living out his childhood with him. I just wish I could set aside my feelings and not feel hurt and disrespected which are my own issues.

Okay, this IS interesting new information. So what you’re saying is your husband never had any role models for caring interactive parents. He never saw an involved father modelled in his own life. He has a 1 year old and you’re mad that he hasn’t gotten into the swing of things as far as being a parent.

Your attempts to control him feel like crazy mom is trying to control him. So he’s going to go into a knee-jerk reaction because you are becoming his mother. If he grew up in a house where his feelings weren’t respected, he won’t necessarily model that in your relationship. Maybe YOU need to show HIM how to conduct conversations that don’t degenerate into name-calling and abuse. Maybe he has no clue how to negotiate a disagreement because all he saw was a passive/aggressive tug of war between a dominant mother and a retreating father as he grew up. With a little practice, you two could have exactly the same dynamic. But I don’t think you want that.

Try this. Have him bring the baby in while you cook and YOU ask HIM his political views. Have a conversation while you cook. Use that time together to validate that YOU want to hear HIS opinion at least as much as the people on the political messageboards. Because if he grew up in a household as you describe, no one probably ever cared what his opinion was about anything. So he’s seeking validation elsewhere. If you don’t give it to him, someone else will be happy to.

Another way to deal with this is to ASK HIM what he would suggest would be a fair outcome. Joke about it and pretend to be an attorney presenting a case: Your honor, my client is trying to make dinner and the baby is tugging on her as she is handling boiling noodles over the sink and opening a hot oven. Client’s husband is in the other room on the computer ignoring the baby. What would you suggest is a fair outcome to this situation?

Something like that… where he actually has a say in his own household. Probably never had that before. Everyone else’s crazy needs mattered but his. He probably married you thinking you would give him something different. so find a way to negotiate this with charity and compassion so you all don’t make craziness a family tradition.

If he isn’t being abusive or adulterous then you need to find a way to fix this taking into account everyone’s feelings. He may not have this skill set. But he can be taught. Ask yourself: how would his mother handle this. Then do the exact opposite.

 

[TonyaR]

Okay, this IS interesting new information. So what you’re saying is your husband never had any role models for caring interactive parents. He never saw an involved father modelled in his own life. He has a 1 year old and you’re mad that he hasn’t gotten into the swing of things as far as being a parent.

Your attempts to control him feel like crazy mom is trying to control him. So he’s going to go into a knee-jerk reaction because you are becoming his mother. If he grew up in a house where his feelings weren’t respected, he won’t necessarily model that in your relationship. Maybe YOU need to show HIM how to conduct conversations that don’t degenerate into name-calling and abuse. Maybe he has no clue how to negotiate a disagreement because all he saw was a passive/aggressive tug of war between a dominant mother and a retreating father as he grew up. With a little practice, you two could have exactly the same dynamic. But I don’t think you want that.

Try this. Have him bring the baby in while you cook and YOU ask HIM his political views. Have a conversation while you cook. Use that time together to validate that YOU want to hear HIS opinion at least as much as the people on the political messageboards. Because if he grew up in a household as you describe, no one probably ever cared what his opinion was about anything. So he’s seeking validation elsewhere. If you don’t give it to him, someone else will be happy to.

Another way to deal with this is to ASK HIM what he would suggest would be a fair outcome. Joke about it and pretend to be an attorney presenting a case: Your honor, my client is trying to make dinner and the baby is tugging on her as she is handling boiling noodles over the sink and opening a hot oven. Client’s husband is in the other room on the computer ignoring the baby. What would you suggest is a fair outcome to this situation?

Something like that… where he actually has a say in his own household. Probably never had that before. Everyone else’s crazy needs mattered but his. He probably married you thinking you would give him something different. so find a way to negotiate this with charity and compassion so you all don’t make craziness a family tradition.

If he isn’t being abusive or adulterous then you need to find a way to fix this taking into account everyone’s feelings. He may not have this skill set. But he can be taught. Ask yourself: how would his mother handle this. Then do the exact opposite.

Thanks, good advice. I like the attorney bit and may try that. Also he would love political discussion.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with Liberano also. My husband likes to chat about astronomy, the universe, government, the war, sports, etc…he is not as chatty when it comes to non factual conversations. But, he has learned to be flexible, because I don’t always want to discuss those topics. But, it can be a great way to bond with one’s spouse–taking that leap to loop them into conversations, and interestingly, you can grow quite close with your spouse by plugging in some unlikely topics that he would suspect you of having. The key is to balance things out, Tonya. I also agree with the poster who talked about passive aggression. Sometimes, mothering can cause man to dig his heels in, but in a passive, albeit upsetting way. I’m not the mothering type,but my husband used to be the bossy fatherly type, and it did not work with me. Over time, we learned how to speak to each other in ‘each other’s language.’ Hope things work out–please keep us posted.

 

[TMC]

His response is because I am selfish basically for expressing my feelings…his words are to me it’s “all about me, me, my feelings, and so selfish…” that is what he was saying about me. Now I know he does this because he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his selfishness and inappropriate behavior. … . How can I explain to him that it isn’t selfish to express my feelings? I started out acting maturely about it, of course I always manage to go down hill when he treats me badly and I too begin to act uncharitably. He basically thinks I am being selfish and treating him badly and acting like jerk if I hold him accountable or tell him how I feel. I feel like sometimes I should separate from him.

Tonya, pardon me if I made a few assumptions here, and correct me if I am wrong. I assume that you are both relatively young, under 35 or so, and that your marriage is also relatively new, say less than 10 years. I ask because early in marriages (and early goes for at least 10 years) most couples have communication problems like the one you describe.

My experience is that it is very difficult to learn to discuss marriage issues with your spouse in a productive way, and that concerns about the family and the marriage are sometimes hard to think about and very hard to explain, without confusing them with personal or ‘selfish’ issues. We spend our early lives in our own skin worrying mostly about ourselves. We don’t learn how to discuss issues that pertain to marriage and family, because those things are outside our experience.

My advice is to think about what you really want to communicate to your husband. If its really about the family, your child, or your marriage be sure to frame it in those terms, and not in terms of how it effects you individually. If the concern is really for yourself, own up to it - there is nothing wrong with discussing that either.

This is harder than it sounds, and contains a major pitfall that you might have already experienced. If you say to your husband that you are upset that he broke his promise to you (which I am sure you are) then the issue is about your feelings and what he is doing to you. If you say that you are unhappy that he is on the computer because you don’t think it is the right thing to do while watching the child, your attempt to focus the problem on your child’s welfare will likely sound (to your husband) like an attack on his fatherhood, his love for his child, and so forth. If your husband feels you are questioning his love for your child, or his ability to protect your child, he will not see past that to discuss the issue.

You might want to begin by starting over on the issue. In a nonconfrontational way you could approach your husband and say “this plan we had for you to not be on the computer when you are watching Johnny doesn’t seem to be working out” or something like that. Try to get him to discuss his views on the problem (which he might not think is a problem) without emotion. Maybe it really doesn’t work for him. Maybe he just disagrees with your opinion that it is not a good idea for him to be on the computer. Maybe he is just annoyed because he feels you are imposing your solution. If you can take the heat out of the issue he might be able to admit that he shouldn’t be doing that and really try to do better, or find another way through the issue.

Learning to look at life from a marital viewpoint takes time and effort. You have to actively work on looking at things as “together problems” and find “together solutions”. Don’t feel alone in this, differences in parenting style are a big (and often unpredicted) source of friction in young couples.

Good luck. Keep the Faith.