How to handle abusive people?

[DAML72]

Can anyone help me with what the Catholic Church’s teaching is on dealing with abusive people? In my case, it is my ex-husband. Even though I wasn’t the one who ended the relationship, after I was out for a while I discovered/realized that he is emotionally abusive. He’s narcissistic, actually, in that he feeds off of upsetting me. Because we have two children together, I am unable to just cut all ties. Since I am pretty much destined to deal with this for at least another 9 years, I consider it my cross to bear.

But now and again, especially with my recent conversion, I lose sight of this side of him. He seems agreeable for a while, things go well, and I start to think, ‘maybe I just wasn’t good enough to him.’ ‘Maybe I didn’t show him enough love’, and if I’m just less slow to anger, we could get along. Well, after days like today, I wake up and realize that that is a very naive idea.

One of our children has a medical issue. In fact, she has been diagnosed with something that is somewhat controversial. Her Dad and I completely disagree on the diagnosis and treatment. It got to the point I was considering a custody suit, but decided that would be too hard on the kids. We got together today to try to talk things through, and I prayed so much before hand for strength, detachment, peace, etc. But, I ended up in tears. He was able to do it to me again, and I think he gets off on it - he knows exactly which buttons to push and how to speak to me so that I get upset and angry and then I end up looking like the crazy person. It’s abuse, plain and simple, and he is playing with the health of our child, no less.

But anyway, I’m on the verge of sending him yet another email stating that we can only communicate about issues relating to the kids in writing. - I refuse to meet with him in person anymore. (I have stated this many times, and he has pretty much ignored it, probably because then he can’t control the situation and manipulate me into having some kind of emotional outburst.) How do I treat him lovingly and protect myself at the same time? It feels like the only way to guard myself is to become hard-hearted. I read about saints who were able to change abusive spouses (St. Monica and St. Rita) through being loving and kind to them. I haven’t read about saints who set boundaries for their own mental health.

 

[CarolNoel]

I think you are wise in wanting to keep your distance. Putting it in writing, or emails which you can keep copies of would be a good way to do this. Next choice to keep it by phone.
Last and not least. If you have to meet I would insist on having a close relative or friend there at the same time that is aware of the situation. If he did not agree to this, then no one on one.

My sister had pretty much the same problem as you, and this worked for her.

In my prayers.

 

[agnes_therese]

It’s going to be difficult, I think, to never meet with him in person when you still have children to raise. Is there someone else you could have with you when you do have to see him? He may behave differently if you’re not alone.

 

[marymary1975]

I had a similar problem. I was married to man with a mental illness who was very controlling and abusive. We separated and divorced (and under my priest’s advice) and what followed after the divorced was him.trying to.control me through our daughter and emotional abuse from.his part. The first thing I had to realize in order to stop that situation (which I was able to stop) was that it takes two to tango. These kind of problems need two parts and if one of the parts refuse to keep on the game, the game stops. The following part that you wrote reflects the core issue here:

We got together today to try to talk things through, and I prayed so much before hand for strength, detachment, peace, etc. But, I ended up in tears. He was able to do it to me again, and I think he gets off on it - he knows exactly which buttons to push and how to speak to me so that I get upset and angry and then I end up looking like the crazy person. It’s abuse, plain and simple, and he is playing with the health of our child, no less.

.

The reason why he is doing this is because he knows he had power over you and he can control you. You fear him and you have given him power over you and as long as you keep on fearing him, this won’t stop. His behavior is typical abuser behavior. They feed on the victim"s fear and they do it to mortify you and as long as they know they are in control they will keep on. My priest told me being good and charitable does not mean being a floor mat for others and it is true. The only way he is.going to.change is when you stop being afraid of him, put your foot down and regain control. To be able to do this you before anything, need to go to therapy or counseling. I had to go through nine months of therapy in order to be able to put my foot down to him and regain control. It is very difficult but double but with therapy you can do it.

Second, question yourself why he is getting that reaction from you…why do you end up in tears…logically. because he doesn’t care about the kids? I had to really get over that and probably you too. You care about the kids so you have to stop caring about that for the sake of your kids. Don’t let his words scare you or upset you. Pray to Jesus and repeat constantly on your mind you have no fear, Jesus takes care of you and he guides you. Repeat in your brain that he doesn’t have any control over you and fight your own thoughts and fears. I can assure you that they day you show him no fear and control, he will back up. That was exactly what happened with my first husband. At this point I don’t have to deal with him at all because he died, but I spent a good year and a half in which he backed off completely and he went from being a furious abuser and from.taking me to court every month to not even bug me. If I did it, you can do it. Please contact a therapist to start working on that ASAP.

 

[DAML72]

I had a similar problem. I was married to man with a mental illness who was very controlling and abusive. We separated and divorced (and under my priest’s advice) and what followed after the divorced was him.trying to.control me through our daughter and emotional abuse from.his part. The first thing I had to realize in order to stop that situation (which I was able to stop) was that it takes two to tango. These kind of problems need two parts and if one of the parts refuse to keep on the game, the game stops. The following part that you wrote reflects the core issue here:

The reason why he is doing this is because he knows he had power over you and he can control you. You fear him and you have given him power over you and as long as you keep on fearing him, this won’t stop. His behavior is typical abuser behavior. They feed on the victim"s fear and they do it to mortify you and as long as they know they are in control they will keep on. My priest told me being good and charitable does not mean being a floor mat for others and it is true. The only way he is.going to.change is when you stop being afraid of him, put your foot down and regain control. To be able to do this you before anything, need to go to therapy or counseling. I had to go through nine months of therapy in order to be able to put my foot down to him and regain control. It is very difficult but double but with therapy you can do it.

Second, question yourself why he is getting that reaction from you…why do you end up in tears…logically. because he doesn’t care about the kids? I had to really get over that and probably you too. You care about the kids so you have to stop caring about that for the sake of your kids. Don’t let his words scare you or upset you. Pray to Jesus and repeat constantly on your mind you have no fear, Jesus takes care of you and he guides you. Repeat in your brain that he doesn’t have any control over you and fight your own thoughts and fears. I can assure you that they day you show him no fear and control, he will back up. That was exactly what happened with my first husband. At this point I don’t have to deal with him at all because he died, but I spent a good year and a half in which he backed off completely and he went from being a furious abuser and from.taking me to court every month to not even bug me. If I did it, you can do it. Please contact a therapist to start working on that ASAP.

Thank you so much for your words. We’ve been split for 8 years. I have been to therapy, I’ve done the detachment thing, etc. I can do it again/still. At the moment, he DOES have power over me because without his consent, I can’t get my daughter the medical care that she needs. (I have decided not to sue him at this point because her diagnosis is controversial and an outcome is not guaranteed. It’s too complicated to get into here.) Anyway, he refuses to see any problem, won’t accept the doctor’s diagnosis, and has refused to correspond with me via email about any aspect of her diagnosis and treatment. Originally, I had said I wanted to have a 3rd party present for our meeting, but I have no money to pay somebody (my family is 5 hours away). I’m not currently employed. My parents have been helping out tremendously, but I’m in debt up to my ears, no health insurance, student loans in default, and he filed to reduce his child support payments. The way things are going, we’re headed for a custody dispute, and, aside from not being able to afford it, I don’t want to put the kids through that.

I have been praying non-stop for help in getting out of this situation, and nothing tangible comes. I know God has a plan, but he’s not sharing it with me.

 

[lily22]

hi,

you will want to separate from him, change your number, don’t contact.

You can’t change/help him

 

[lily22]

protect your kids from him, I lost my baby to an abusive dad, now I owe him support (??)
it’s a weird time, and courts don’t help so please file right away
don’t feel guilty about it

 

[DAML72]

hi,

you will want to separate from him, change your number, don’t contact.

You can’t change/help him

We are separated - have been for 8 years, divorced for 5. We have children together - unfortunately, I can’t completely go ‘no contact’. If I could, I would go to the other end of the Earth to get away from him!

 

[DAML72]

protect your kids from him, I lost my baby to an abusive dad, now I owe him support (??)
it’s a weird time, and courts don’t help so please file right away
don’t feel guilty about it

He’s not physically abusive, and the kids worship him. I don’t have a chance in hell of getting them away from him.

 

[Latin_rite_Cath]

Can anyone help me with what the Catholic Church’s teaching is on dealing with abusive people? In my case, it is my ex-husband. Even though I wasn’t the one who ended the relationship, after I was out for a while I discovered/realized that he is emotionally abusive. He’s narcissistic, actually, in that he feeds off of upsetting me. Because we have two children together, I am unable to just cut all ties. Since I am pretty much destined to deal with this for at least another 9 years, I consider it my cross to bear.

But now and again, especially with my recent conversion, I lose sight of this side of him. He seems agreeable for a while, things go well, and I start to think, ‘maybe I just wasn’t good enough to him.’ ‘Maybe I didn’t show him enough love’, and if I’m just less slow to anger, we could get along. Well, after days like today, I wake up and realize that that is a very naive idea.

One of our children has a medical issue. In fact, she has been diagnosed with something that is somewhat controversial. Her Dad and I completely disagree on the diagnosis and treatment. It got to the point I was considering a custody suit, but decided that would be too hard on the kids. We got together today to try to talk things through, and I prayed so much before hand for strength, detachment, peace, etc. But, I ended up in tears. He was able to do it to me again, and I think he gets off on it - he knows exactly which buttons to push and how to speak to me so that I get upset and angry and then I end up looking like the crazy person. It’s abuse, plain and simple, and he is playing with the health of our child, no less.

But anyway, I’m on the verge of sending him yet another email stating that we can only communicate about issues relating to the kids in writing. - I refuse to meet with him in person anymore. (I have stated this many times, and he has pretty much ignored it, probably because then he can’t control the situation and manipulate me into having some kind of emotional outburst.) How do I treat him lovingly and protect myself at the same time? It feels like the only way to guard myself is to become hard-hearted. I read about saints who were able to change abusive spouses (St. Monica and St. Rita) through being loving and kind to them. I haven’t read about saints who set boundaries for their own mental health.

If medical neglect is being committed against your child then you should either sue for custody or report him to CPS.

protect your kids from him, I lost my baby to an abusive dad, now I owe him support (??)
it’s a weird time, and courts don’t help so please file right away
don’t feel guilty about it

The courts gave your children to an abusive father?

 

[DAML72]

If there were a clear legal case of medical neglect, then I would be doing just that. It’s not.

I really was just looking for the position of the church. I don’t want to get into the details of our conflict. The USCCB does have some helpful stuff on its website.

 

[Latin_rite_Cath]

If there were a clear legal case of medical neglect, then I would be doing just that. It’s not.

Is it possible that they would intervene if called, or is it certain that they wouldn’t?

I really was just looking for the position of the church. I don’t want to get into the details of our conflict. The USCCB does have some helpful stuff on its website.

The Church allows Catholics to ensure their rights by lawful means, otherwise they wouldn’t be rights.

 

[underacloud]

I would discuss all this with a lawyer.

You don’t have to go straight to suing for custody as a first step. Just bringing someone in as a buffer for your interactions with him may help you distance yourself. The potential that it will escalate into a custody battle may well be enough in itself to bring him into line.

You can draft up your own shared custody agreement and negociate how difficult issues (eg medical treatments) are to be handled. If it gets to court, the primary parent will assume these rights, so again he probably wouldn’t want it to get to that point.

 

[rebeccanew]

In a perfect world you both should be able to put aside your relationship for your child’s sake. Maybe he could have a second opinion about your child from his MD, and let his MD talk to him. I know this isn’t a perfect world, you have my sympathy.

 

[Viki63]

Originally, I had said I wanted to have a 3rd party present for our meeting, but I have no money to pay somebody (my family is 5 hours away). .

Perhaps you could ask a priest or deacon from your parish to be present if you must meet.

But if he won’t agree to the treatment you think is best, why bother to meet with him?