How to handle my father's girlfriend when he is still technically married to my mother without being complacent with the sin being committed. Difficul

[HaveFaith777]

I’m sorry in advance that this post is so long. I wasn’t going to do this, but I am really unsure how to handle a particular situation and I’d love some advice or an just an outsider’s opinion on this…

About 7 years ago, my father confessed that he had be having an affair with a neighbor of ours (for the purpose of privacy I will call her Debbie). Debbie was a good friend of my mother’s. My mother has several health conditions that prevent her from driving and as a “friend” Debbie would drive her places like the grocery store, etc. that she needed to go every once in a while. Debbie and my mother would also confide in each other. Debbie had been having problems in her marriage and would cry to my mother about how hard it was. My mother, being the good friend that she is, would listen to her. Around this time, my siblings (who still lived at home with my parents) noticed that Debbie had been spending more and more time not with my mother, but with my father. My siblings and my mother would also notice my father texting a lot on his phone while holding his hand over the screen, or he would leave the room to answer his phone. We came to find out that my father and Debbie had started to have an affair a few months earlier. The reason that Debbie’s marriage was having problems was because of the relationship she had started with my father, and her husband found out about it and wanted to get a divorce. Since that time, Debbie and her husband have divorced, and my father has been living with her for about 6 years, right down the street. My parents are still legally married for financial reasons (they can’t afford to live on what a divorce would leave them with) and so that my mother can still receive health benefits. My mother still lives at home a few houses down the street from Debbie and my father. For the past 6 years, my father has been asking us to accept Debbie and allow her to come to family events (which a couple of years ago we eventually conceded to for extended family events due to his constant groaning about it and sulking at events that Debbie wasn’t there, but my mother was). We have maintained that we do not want her at immediate family events (i.e.- birthday parties, etc.). My siblings and I do not trust her due to the fact that she was friends with my mother and betrayed her, as well as the general disrespect she has shown us all individually on different occasions. I have found her to be very manipulative and dramatic, and so I am hesitant to spend time with her, even when my father asks if she can come along for his birthday dinners or father’s day with just him and my siblings and me. Any time we bring up that Debbie makes us uncomfortable and anxious, he says, “Well, what about my feelings? I would like her to be there.” I feel angry as well as guilty when I hear him say that because I love him and want to see him happy, but I can’t help but feel that he brought it on himself and that he should be considering our feelings first, being that we are his children (even though we are all grown now). I don’t know…are we being selfish? Should we accept her? I have spoken with a priest about it and he has said that we should forgive her and love her, but we do not need to let her into our lives. However, I am struggling with how to love and forgive if we are not spending time with her. And I would think that spending time with her would just be treating the relationship as acceptable even though it is a sin. I still have strong feelings about the situation after all these years, and I’m not sure how to handle the situation. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, or do you know of a good way to handle this? How do you love and forgive someone without spending time with them? Or if you do spend time with them, how do you do it without being complacent with the sin that is being committed? Thank you for taking the time to read this, any advice/thoughts are welcomed.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, your reaction to him and Debbie’s conduct is understandable and easily foreseeable by them.

(My background is that my wife moved out, gave joint custody two weeks, than had a guy move in with her after three weeks. I asked a therapist at the time how I could get my kids to accept/come to terms with this guy. She laughed. She said, they will never accept him given how they went about this. Never. Barring a miracle, there is nothing you can do. So, my kids have lived with me, she visits. Daughters have been with them on two occasions for dinners over the last 4 years. Son hasn’t been with them at all.) No, they don’t want to be around him for birthdays, graduations, holidays- to them he doesn’t belong.

So, I’m wondering what my family’s situation will be as my kids get older and there are weddings etc. Your Dad and Debbie are the guilty parties in this, they acted wrongly and risked the consequences they now face.

My tendency is to tell Dad to ‘suck it up, buttercup. These are the logical consequences of your actions. It’s why God’s rules discourage doing these things. This is what you chose dude.’

However, I’d be willing to live with him reacting by never attending himself and cutting me off.

You need to sit down and think about your long term interests, what you want, what kind of relationship you want. with your Dad. Act in your best interests, not compromise for his. I don’t think you have any obligation to include Debbie, even if you forgive her for past actions, that doesn’t mean accepting her as ‘family’. It simply means harboring no ill will towards her and praying for her soul. (One priest told me we have to love everyone, we don’t have to like them.)

I assume you’ve discussed with your Dad that you are concerned for his soul, as well as Debbie’s. He is not just placing his soul in jeopardy but hers as well. Not a really strong testimonial for love.

I don’t understand what is keeping them from divorcing. It’s pretty cheap if you do it through a mediator or file the papers yourself. As to healthcare, you can often have the divorce decree commit the continuation of health insurance, or even life insurance etc. But that’s more for your Mom to look into.

ETA: Got a divorce after six months, received a declaration of nullity after ~ two years, so my now legally ex/sacramentally never-was wife is free to remarry. She hasn’t, but I’ve given her that option. Parting gift I guess.

Bottom line, I think your Dad is being unreasonable over a situation he created, and has unrealistic expectations for you to accept her. But if he gets to the point of an ultimatum-- she comes with, or I don’t come, then really, you do what is best for you in the long run.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I’m sorry in advance that this post is so long. I wasn’t going to do this, but I am really unsure how to handle a particular situation and I’d love some advice or an just an outsider’s opinion on this…

About 7 years ago, my father confessed that he had be having an affair with a neighbor of ours (for the purpose of privacy I will call her Debbie). Debbie was a good friend of my mother’s. My mother has several health conditions that prevent her from driving and as a “friend” Debbie would drive her places like the grocery store, etc. that she needed to go every once in a while. Debbie and my mother would also confide in each other. Debbie had been having problems in her marriage and would cry to my mother about how hard it was. My mother, being the good friend that she is, would listen to her. Around this time, my siblings (who still lived at home with my parents) noticed that Debbie had been spending more and more time not with my mother, but with my father. My siblings and my mother would also notice my father texting a lot on his phone while holding his hand over the screen, or he would leave the room to answer his phone. We came to find out that my father and Debbie had started to have an affair a few months earlier. The reason that Debbie’s marriage was having problems was because of the relationship she had started with my father, and her husband found out about it and wanted to get a divorce. Since that time, Debbie and her husband have divorced, and my father has been living with her for about 6 years, right down the street. My parents are still legally married for financial reasons (they can’t afford to live on what a divorce would leave them with) and so that my mother can still receive health benefits. My mother still lives at home a few houses down the street from Debbie and my father. For the past 6 years, my father has been asking us to accept Debbie and allow her to come to family events (which a couple of years ago we eventually conceded to for extended family events due to his constant groaning about it and sulking at events that Debbie wasn’t there, but my mother was). We have maintained that we do not want her at immediate family events (i.e.- birthday parties, etc.). My siblings and I do not trust her due to the fact that she was friends with my mother and betrayed her, as well as the general disrespect she has shown us all individually on different occasions. I have found her to be very manipulative and dramatic, and so I am hesitant to spend time with her, even when my father asks if she can come along for his birthday dinners or father’s day with just him and my siblings and me. Any time we bring up that Debbie makes us uncomfortable and anxious, he says, “Well, what about my feelings? I would like her to be there.” I feel angry as well as guilty when I hear him say that because I love him and want to see him happy, but I can’t help but feel that he brought it on himself and that he should be considering our feelings first, being that we are his children (even though we are all grown now). I don’t know…are we being selfish? Should we accept her? I have spoken with a priest about it and he has said that we should forgive her and love her, but we do not need to let her into our lives. However, I am struggling with how to love and forgive if we are not spending time with her. And I would think that spending time with her would just be treating the relationship as acceptable even though it is a sin. I still have strong feelings about the situation after all these years, and I’m not sure how to handle the situation. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, or do you know of a good way to handle this? How do you love and forgive someone without spending time with them? Or if you do spend time with them, how do you do it without being complacent with the sin that is being committed? Thank you for taking the time to read this, any advice/thoughts are welcomed.

I would tell your father that you don’t want anything to do with " Debbie, " that is not welcome at all if he drags her along. And even if your parents were divorced that would not change the situation one bit. In the eyes of God he would not be free to live with " Debbie."
He would still be living in sin and would represent a constant insult to your mother.

Linus2nd

 

[KrazyKat]

Your father should not expect you to accept his live in girlfriend and treat her like family. He is completely disrespecting your mother, if Debbie was included in family situations that would be a slap in the face to your Mom.

If your dad chose to not attend because Debbie was not included, so be it.

Have a good life and allow your father to wallow in the life he chose.

 

[MaryT777]

I would tell your Father that yes he can bring his live in girlfriend to immediate family events but you won’t be there.

He can choose between his own children and some live in girlfriend.
Mary.

 

[Southern]

To answer your question about forgiveness I tell this to people alot. Close your eyes and picture yourself standing on a mountain. Picture the person hanging off the cliff about to fall. They cry out to you to help save them. Would you let your resentment turn to hatred and let them fall. Or would you give them your hand and save them? (forgive them) This is the best way to test if it is forgiveness or still holding a grudge. What would you do? Then ask yourself What would Jesus do? Everyone deserves respect but you do not have to like the person. Respecting the person would be considering loving the way Jesus ask us to. If you hate the person then you commit murder in your thoughts and in your heart. Honor you Father and Mother is what God says. He also says detest the sin and not the sinner. Hope this helps! God Bless!!!

 

[ChrisRedfield47]

I’m sorry in advance that this post is so long. I wasn’t going to do this, but I am really unsure how to handle a particular situation and I’d love some advice or an just an outsider’s opinion on this…

About 7 years ago, my father confessed that he had be having an affair with a neighbor of ours (for the purpose of privacy I will call her Debbie). Debbie was a good friend of my mother’s. My mother has several health conditions that prevent her from driving and as a “friend” Debbie would drive her places like the grocery store, etc. that she needed to go every once in a while. Debbie and my mother would also confide in each other. Debbie had been having problems in her marriage and would cry to my mother about how hard it was. My mother, being the good friend that she is, would listen to her. Around this time, my siblings (who still lived at home with my parents) noticed that Debbie had been spending more and more time not with my mother, but with my father. My siblings and my mother would also notice my father texting a lot on his phone while holding his hand over the screen, or he would leave the room to answer his phone. We came to find out that my father and Debbie had started to have an affair a few months earlier. The reason that Debbie’s marriage was having problems was because of the relationship she had started with my father, and her husband found out about it and wanted to get a divorce. Since that time, Debbie and her husband have divorced, and my father has been living with her for about 6 years, right down the street. My parents are still legally married for financial reasons (they can’t afford to live on what a divorce would leave them with) and so that my mother can still receive health benefits. My mother still lives at home a few houses down the street from Debbie and my father. For the past 6 years, my father has been asking us to accept Debbie and allow her to come to family events (which a couple of years ago we eventually conceded to for extended family events due to his constant groaning about it and sulking at events that Debbie wasn’t there, but my mother was). We have maintained that we do not want her at immediate family events (i.e.- birthday parties, etc.). My siblings and I do not trust her due to the fact that she was friends with my mother and betrayed her, as well as the general disrespect she has shown us all individually on different occasions. I have found her to be very manipulative and dramatic, and so I am hesitant to spend time with her, even when my father asks if she can come along for his birthday dinners or father’s day with just him and my siblings and me. Any time we bring up that Debbie makes us uncomfortable and anxious, he says, “Well, what about my feelings? I would like her to be there.” I feel angry as well as guilty when I hear him say that because I love him and want to see him happy, but I can’t help but feel that he brought it on himself and that he should be considering our feelings first, being that we are his children (even though we are all grown now). I don’t know…are we being selfish? Should we accept her? I have spoken with a priest about it and he has said that we should forgive her and love her, but we do not need to let her into our lives. However, I am struggling with how to love and forgive if we are not spending time with her. And I would think that spending time with her would just be treating the relationship as acceptable even though it is a sin. I still have strong feelings about the situation after all these years, and I’m not sure how to handle the situation. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, or do you know of a good way to handle this? How do you love and forgive someone without spending time with them? Or if you do spend time with them, how do you do it without being complacent with the sin that is being committed? Thank you for taking the time to read this, any advice/thoughts are welcomed.

I’ll second these posts:

I would tell your father that you don’t want anything to do with " Debbie, " that is not welcome at all if he drags her along. And even if your parents were divorced that would not change the situation one bit. In the eyes of God he would not be free to live with " Debbie."
He would still be living in sin and would represent a constant insult to your mother.

Linus2nd

Your father should not expect you to accept his live in girlfriend and treat her like family. He is completely disrespecting your mother, if Debbie was included in family situations that would be a slap in the face to your Mom.

If your dad chose to not attend because Debbie was not included, so be it.

Have a good life and allow your father to wallow in the life he chose.

 

[BettyBoop416]

From where I’m sitting, your father isn’t doing either Debbie or your mom any favors. He’s living right down the street from your mom and publicly flaunting his relationship with the woman he left your mom for, but he won’t marry Debbie “for financial reasons.” This guy sounds like a real catch.

It strikes me as being terribly unreasonable of your father to expect the family to welcome Debbie with open arms. Yes, since they’ve stayed together all this time, he probably truly loves her in his own twisted way, and I can understand that he would like her to be included in family functions. But that’s just not a very realistic thing to expect. Like you said, they brought his upon themselves.

 

[RoseMary131]

**HaveFaith777 ** My siblings and I do not trust her due to the fact that she was friends with my mother and betrayed her, as well as the general disrespect she has shown us all individually on different occasions.

This sentence jumps off the page at me.

You and your siblings don’t trust her.

What did she do that your dad didn’t do? Do you trust your dad?

Wasn’t your dad your mom’s friend (and husband) and didn’t he betray her with this on going affair?

Doesn’t your dad have general disrespect for your mom, for his children, for Debbie and for God in carrying on such a long affair?

Is your dad Catholic?

Maybe your dad can repair some of the damage he has done with this on-going affair.
I don’t write this to make you feel negative about your dad, but because Debbie can only be in this affair because of your dad.

Maybe your real emotions are aimed at your dad, but you can more easily place them on Debbie and let her be the “bad guy”.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Your father has done something that has hurt you, your mother and your siblings. There are consequences when we do such things. It seems that you father has not learned that life lesson yet. You are not obliged to Debbie in any shape or form. You should strive to have a relationship with him as long as he is showing you due respect and consideration. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. My advice to you is to protect yourself from hurt and manipulation. I went through the same thing with my father and his gf some 10 years ago and I know how awful it is. Be strong, be supportive of your mother in the ways that you can, and don’t let the cheater manipulate you. Pray for strength and wisdom and trust that Jesus will help you get through this.

Praying for you.

 

[LongingSoul]

Any time we bring up that Debbie makes us uncomfortable and anxious, he says, “Well, what about my feelings? I would like her to be there.”

Sadly, it sounds like both your father and Debbie are narcissistic. Some people go through a glitch like this in their midlife but can go on to at least accept the consequences of thier sins afterwards. Others through an inability to self examine, no longer have the capacity for empathy with the people they’ve wronged, even their own children.

I agree with the Priest. To forgive is to give yourself a measure of detachment from your fathers self centeredness whilst still loving him in a healthy way. Resentment is a toxic thing to carry around for a lifetime and after 6 years, it doesn’t seem like your father is ever going to understand you and your siblings genuine hurt. Understanding narcissism can help you detach emotionally and protect yourselves.

 

[RoseMary131]

A lady in an affair is called an adulteress or mistress. What is the man called besides an adulterer?

Seems often times the person outside of the family is the one who is considered the “bad guy” while both people are responsible for the affair.

 

[LongingSoul]

A lady in an affair is called an adulteress or mistress. What is the man called besides an adulterer?

Seems often times the person outside of the family is the one who is considered the “bad guy” while both people are responsible for the affair.

True, but in this particular case, Debbie betrayed their mother in a pretty low and heinous fashion. Imagine discussing her marital problems with her friend… that she was having due to her affair with her friends husband. That’s not normal for anyone with a conscience and a tiny measure of ethical fibre.

 

[LSK]

Only a complete narcisist would whine to his children that the woman he left their mother for is not invited to family functions. Only a complete narcisist would go to those functions and sulk, in order to turn all the attention to him, and then have the AUDACITY to complain that their MOTHER was there.

My father was a narcisist. He was welcomed to family gatherings and his girlfriend/wife was NOT.

I loved my Dad and was happy to see him return to the Church ten days before he died, and five years after his 3rd wife died. However, she was not invited to weddings or baptisms or birthdays. They were adults and made their choices. If he came and sulked, he was ignored.

I will say this: he only used the “What about MY feelings?” card ONCE with me - and when I told him that, in my opinion, he had forfeited this particular area in order to live an immoral life, he never pulled it again.

I am telling you the selfishness and self-centeredness of some people is amazing. Even for me - and I am a recovering alcoholic. Believe me, if anyone knows about selfishness and self-centeredness it’s ME.

 

[RoseMary131]

True, but in this particular case, Debbie betrayed their mother in a pretty low and heinous fashion. Imagine discussing her marital problems with her friend… that she was having due to her affair with her friends husband. That’s not normal for anyone with a conscience and a tiny measure of ethical fibre.

But in this particular case, Dad betrayed their mother in a pretty low and heinous fashion. Dad should be Mom’s best and closet friend… imagine destroying that friendship and marriage vows by having an affair. That’s not normal for any husband with a conscience and a tiny measure of ethical fiber.

Dad should have never betrayed his wife with this affair. Dad betrayed Debbie’s husband by having an affair with his wife.

Maybe its time to recognize and accept that both Dad and Debbie have chosen this life together. No one has to accept it as enjoyable, just accept it as a way of life for Dad and Debbie.

Dad has no right to guilt his children into being concerned about his feelings. Their feelings are true and they do not wish to include Debbie. Dad needs to accept his children’s feelings.

(Interesting, so many of these first time posters have long drawn out problems - often with outrageous situations. The only people who write follow-up posts are us. The first time poster never even logs back into the forums, yet we keep posting amongst ourselves.)

 

[HaveFaith777]

Thank you ALL so much for your responses. I’m sorry, I haven’t gotten to log back in to respond until now, but I have been reading through each and every one of the responses. There are so many good points brought up and I have to say that all of them ran through my head and I would think of a response to what was being said and then someone else would post my thoughts exactly! Thank you for your opinions and advice on this. I have shared the post with my siblings and they agreed with a lot of the posts as well. To those of you who have gone through a similar situation and got through it, I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I hope you have peace with your particular situation as well. I guess when I was thinking about the situation, I was concerned that I was being a bad Catholic by excluding a sinner because of her sin. And yes, I know my dad has a part in this as well, but it is a lot harder to just exclude him completely from my life, I love him despite the situation. And yes, my dad is Catholic (he became Catholic when my parents got married), but he gave up going to church years and years ago and has said he doesn’t believe in organized religion for as long as I can remember. I have spoken to my mom about the situation and she does just want my dad to be happy, she just doesn’t think Debbie is a mentally stable person (she has some definite signs of mental illness that are too long to post about, and we have brought this up to my dad, which he denies). Sometimes I feel that I am being a bad Christian b/c of excluding her, especially since I recently saw a video by Jeff Cavin taking about how when we push away sinners, we could possibly be the only exposure they have to the Church, and by pushing them away, we are keeping them from grace and knowing God. I felt guilty after hearing that b/c what if God wants me to be in her life to be a witness. Or maybe just by insisting that she not come to the dinners, events, etc. I am being a witness by showing my belief that adultery, no matter how long it is been going on, is in fact adultery and should be treated that way. It’s still confusing to me, but your advice, opinions and kind words have helped in my thoughts tremendously. Please keep me in your prayers, as you all will be in mine. Thanks again

 

[m_crane]

Wow what a post. I have lived your situation for 35 years now. My father’s “Debbie” just pasted away last week. I just got back from the funeral in Florida. It has been a tough 35years, Our family has endured many hardships on account of our Debbie. My father has missed all special family events because we couldn’t bear to have my mother and our Debbie in the same space. Also, we didn’t care to share our lives with Debbie(we broke up our family). My father lost our trust the day he walked out the door with that woman, so we blame him too and I can’t say any of my siblings are really close to dad.

I have one warning for you though, some of my siblings over the years have tried to accept and justify my father"s leaving to be with this woman. Their convoluted acceptance was not true forgiveness and they suffered greatly for accepting this immoral situation. Our sibling relationships have suffered as well because they lost their ability to trust.

You and your siblings will be mentally safer if you never try to justify or explain your father’s adultery as acceptable. Keep Debbie at an emotional distance and if you need to at a physical distance. Forgive the weakness of your father and the ignorance of Debbie

Pray for your father. Pray Pray Pray!

My father wanted to come back to the Church, He tried for an annulment but it was refused. A year or so ago my dad started to attend Mass but never received Communion because of his situation. (Debbie did, but that’s another story) Anyway, when our Debbie was dying the priest arrived too late to give her the last rites.
He blessed her and then asked my dad if he wanted to talk. My dad talked about wanting to come back to Church and the priest asked him to make a confession, He did and the priest told him that he was now free to receive Holy Communion. The next day he went to mass and for the first time in 35 years he received our Lord.

Jesus found a way to help my dad out of sin and forgive him. There is hope for your dad too. Pray or him.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Sometimes I feel that I am being a bad Christian b/c of excluding her, especially since I recently saw a video by Jeff Cavin taking about how when we push away sinners, we could possibly be the only exposure they have to the Church, and by pushing them away, we are keeping them from grace and knowing God. I felt guilty after hearing that b/c what if God wants me to be in her life to be a witness. Or maybe just by insisting that she not come to the dinners, events, etc. I am being a witness by showing my belief that adultery, no matter how long it is been going on, is in fact adultery and should be treated that way. It’s still confusing to me, but your advice, opinions and kind words have helped in my thoughts tremendously. Please keep me in your prayers, as you all will be in mine.

I’m so glad that the replies have helped you in some way. This is a very confusing situation to be in and getting some (name removed by moderator)ut from the outside helps put things into perspective.

The above quote is one of the things that we all struggle to understand and put to practice. How do we treat sinners? How do we witness? How do we love those who have hurt us? All difficult questions.

I said in my previous reply that the same thing happened in my family. Dad left mom for another woman and then manipulated all of us to feel pity for him and to accept his new living arrangement. Based on my own experience I would advise you to never forget that your father is behaving in a very manipulative way. He is playing dirty. Don’t fall for it because you could get hurt in the end. I don’t think that by putting boundaries in place you are being a bad person and a bad Christian. Because he and Debbie made their choices. You don’t just destroy your own family and pretend nothing ever happened. People get hurt. Lives can be ruined. It is messy. He needs to understand that. Don’t throw stones at them but don’t reward their behaviour either. I believe that dancing to his tune will not convert either him or Debbie, but make them more comfortable with their adultery. Standing your ground will hopefully help them see that they caused a lot of pain to others and that they did something wrong.

So protect yourself, don’t fall for games and guilt trips and distance yourself emotionally from this situation as much as you can.