I have a difficulty with relationships in general and how do I relate to my family members in particular. I feel that certain people are trying to use me by telling me how am I supposed to act or feel around others. For example, I should be as open with my mother as with my father, because if not, one may feel left out. Or I should show as much affection to my sibling as she is showing to me, or she will get the impression that I don’t love her. I feel the same presure when it comes to friends: I can’t go out with someone and have fun if I don’t invite everyone in that group. If I want to tell a secret to a friend I can’t because then every other friend should be informed-otherwise, they will get upset. That’s the way things are supposed to be? Why should I be forced to have a certain level of intimacy with a person, only because she is part of my family or something? And when it comes to friends, if I feel more confortable sharing a secret with one of them and with another not, it should be perfectly fine. Please let me know if I am missing something here because this issue bothers me a lot.
Often, in families or other relationships, we will normally feel more affinity with certain people than others. I think this applies to people’s parents, children, etc.
As to trust, that needs to be earned, one thing, and respect, likewise.
I know a lot of parents try to say they love all their children, equally, but generally speaking, I doubt that. There will often be one who the parent is naturally more compatible with.
The same goes with parents. We will often naturally feel closer to one parent than the other, if we are honest with ourselves.
Amongst our siblings, we will often have one who we feel closer with.
I come from a family of 11, and when I was very little, around 5 y.o., I was told it was my sister, Virginia, and that the teacher didn’t even know I had anyone else in my family. All I did was talk about her.
Later, it changed, shifted to my brother, Jonathan. Another time, I was close to my sister, Ann.
Now, it’s my sister, Cynthia and my niece, Carolyn.
One of my sisters went through a phase where she felt we had favoritism in our family, so she made a point to try hard to love her children equally. She’d do things like give them exactly the same Christmas gifts.
However, I don’t think this works like that. I don’t think we should be envious of people like that. If they are close, they’re close. If they have mutual trust, that’s great, but it can’t be forced.
Love is never envious.
I’ve had that here in Mexico, that they expect me to treat everyone equally, and it’s so hard. I doubt they treat everyone equally, push come to shove.
For myself, I don’t do well in group relationships, number one. I do best one on one.
Number two, I don’t feel close to everyone. To even try would be a mistake.
You are into some difficult dynamics, though, almost don’t know what to advise, except to perhaps try to point out to the person that they probably don’t treat everyone exactly, either. Notice some times when this happens, point that out to them, not to scold, just to show that we all do that.
