How to handle wife's bad moods? and not get resentful?

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barhoram

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Looking for some sound advice here.

Wife has been in a bad mood lately. She is on 3-4 different medications for diabetes, thyroid, and possibly sleep apnea. I think the last drug they put her on for sleep apnea is really affecting her mood . It’s to the point where I would just rather not be around her.

Example was last night watching some TV. We were watching a cooking show together and she was half watching and half on her ipad/facebook. She looked up twice to make negative comments about 1) how all of the meals looked “Gross” and 2) how the female cook with short hair was “total lesbian”…?? This is just a cooking show on FoodNetwork…

I just ignored the comments and went on watching the show but was really thinking…I’d really just rather her not be in here if those are the types of comments she’s going to make. It dawned on me that she’s been in some bad mood / funk for quite some time and is borderline uncomfortable to be around.

In the past, I’ve been ressntful of moodiness and have probably acted bad to her in response or in a passive aggressive way. Of course, this hasn’t made things any better. I reconginzed this and want a better way to deal with it.

Should I just get up and leave the room? Say something (hard to do when she is in bad mood). Ignore it and chalk it up as a cross to bear? Have tried to ask her why she is in such a bad mood and she just vents about everything.

Just looking for an alternative perspective on how to handle without getting resentful…as she really isn’t in the mood to talk about it…
 
You can try being really sweet and kind to her. Not in a patronizing way. Give her a kiss on her forehead, help her out if she needs help. Gauge her mood and try to talk about light-hearted stuff. Whenever she makes comments like that, casually remark “I don’t know, this dish in particular looks nice”, or if you can’t do that, just go “mmhm”. Being resentful to an annoyed girl is like…you might as well be digging your own grave.
I would recommend you to not do this all at once. Just babysteps. One day you could just play with her hair while watching TV, or ask if she would like a foot rub. Idk. You know your wife better than me. Do little things she like.

The focus should be how to make her in a good mood as often as possible. And when she is in a bad mood, don’t show a hint of annoyance. Don’t look bothered. Maybe ask her if she wants to watch something else or something.
 
She is not being herself, and probably doesn’t enjoy her company or anyone else’s the way she’d like. Yes, that makes this a delicate situation.

No, do not deal with this covertly. Have a conversation that starts with, “I understand that you’re going through a very difficult time, that you aren’t feeling very good. That’s why I’m not sure how to handle it when you say things I’d normally call you on as being negative. I have to think that what you don’t need is for me to be judgmental and I don’t want to withdraw unless you’re really asking for room. It does get me down, though. How do you think I ought to handle this? It isn’t just that I want to be there for you and go through this together. I mean, next time I may be the one whose health makes it hard to feel up. I want to get this right for my own sake, too.”

You don’t have to just do what she tells you to do. You listen. You first respond in a way that clarifies that what you are hearing is what she is trying to say. This is done in a way that makes it clear you want to know what she is thinking, so she feels safe enough to tell you the truth instead of a lie that makes her look like a “better person.” (It might take some work to convince her you are primarily interested in learning how this looks from her end.) You give feedback on your point of view. You try to make certain you’ve communicated accurately, that what she heard is what you’re saying. You negotiate. Mostly, you try to keep the conversation off of negative assessments of each of you as a person and onto finding the most mutually-agreeable solution.

She may not feel she has the resources to “police” herself all the time. What you might need is a non-policing code word that says, “heads up, that wasn’t too fun to be around.” I’d recommend something that involves a shared sense of humor. When you’re feeling really crummy and you don’t even like being around yourself, a moment of levity can really help.

Good luck, hang in there, realize she won’t feel like this forever, and proceed so as to lay the groundwork for how you want to be treated when you’re the one grumpy with nasty health. You’ll do it. If you do it well, the two of you will rightly feel proud of yourselves.

*“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” *
  • Robert Louis Stevenson
 
barhoram said:
Looking for some sound advice here.

Wife has been in a bad mood lately. She is on 3-4 different medications for diabetes, thyroid, and possibly sleep apnea. I think the last drug they put her on for sleep apnea is really affecting her mood . It’s to the point where I would just rather not be around her.

Example was last night watching some TV. We were watching a cooking show together and she was half watching and half on her ipad/facebook. She looked up twice to make negative comments about 1) how all of the meals looked “Gross” and 2) how the female cook with short hair was “total lesbian”…?? This is just a cooking show on FoodNetwork…

I just ignored the comments and went on watching the show but was really thinking…I’d really just rather her not be in here if those are the types of comments she’s going to make. It dawned on me that she’s been in some bad mood / funk for quite some time and is borderline uncomfortable to be around.

In the past, I’ve been ressntful of moodiness and have probably acted bad to her in response or in a passive aggressive way. Of course, this hasn’t made things any better. I reconginzed this and want a better way to deal with it.

Should I just get up and leave the room? Say something (hard to do when she is in bad mood). Ignore it and chalk it up as a cross to bear? Have tried to ask her why she is in such a bad mood and she just vents about everything.

Just looking for an alternative perspective on how to handle without getting resentful…as she really isn’t in the mood to talk about it…
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A lot of tv is made for negativity. I can’t imagine watching the food network for any length of time where I wouldn’t see something gross. And ehile I might not comment on the sexuality of a host you can bet I’ve said some things about guy fieri.

Perhaps your wife is angry because of health problems or perhaps she is in pain or depressed or medicated out of her normal self. Either way that you view this as something that you would rather not have her around for reflects poorly on you. Making it about your comfort level is not what you should be doing. Helping her through a difficult time with compassion and love needs to be your focus.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
A lot of tv is made for negativity. I can’t imagine watching the food network for any length of time where I wouldn’t see something gross. And ehile I might not comment on the sexuality of a host you can bet I’ve said some things about guy fieri.

Perhaps your wife is angry because of health problems or perhaps she is in pain or depressed or medicated out of her normal self. Either way that you view this as something that you would rather not have her around for reflects poorly on you. Making it about your comfort level is not what you should be doing. Helping her through a difficult time with compassion and love needs to be your focus.
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If you’re not feeling good or you’re going through an externally-imposed change in diet, the sight of any kind of food might be difficult to be around. So, yes, the solution may be to find a different channel.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
A lot of tv is made for negativity. I can’t imagine watching the food network for any length of time where I wouldn’t see something gross. And ehile I might not comment on the sexuality of a host you can bet I’ve said some things about guy fieri.

Perhaps your wife is angry because of health problems or perhaps she is in pain or depressed or medicated out of her normal self. Either way that you view this as something that you would rather not have her around for reflects poorly on you. Making it about your comfort level is not what you should be doing. Helping her through a difficult time with compassion and love needs to be your focus.
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Thanks. Trying. Hard to muster up compassion and love at times around all the negativity… It was the uncalled for “Oh what a Lesbian” (because of a short hair cut???) comment that was most uncomfortable for me to be around.

Easterjoy: Thank You. I will try and approach that way.
 
barhoram said:
Thanks. Trying. Hard to muster up compassion and love at times around all the negativity… It was the uncalled for “Oh what a Lesbian” (because of a short hair cut???) comment that was most uncomfortable for me to be around.

Easterjoy: Thank You. I will try and approach that way.
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Just so you know the food network and bravo employ many homosexual personalities who are public about thier sexuality. From cat Cora ( long hair) to Elizabeth Faulkner (short spikey hair) to Susan feniger (long grey hair). Anne Burrell (short hair) just to name a few food network hosts.
I’m not condoning your wife’s negative comments but it could be an expression of annoyance if she feels like this lifestyle is being pushed on her from the media. Many people, including me, are also peeved by this. While she may not have responded correctly it’s odd that you are annoyed with her and don’t want to be around her and not annoyed at say, the tv. One is your wife and the other has a remote you can control the content of.

You really need to be more compassionate and loving to your wife, if she is lashing out with negativity that is different than when you first married it’s probably because of pain, physical and emotional.

Again, you complaining about this reflects poorly on you.

My wife is dealing with serious health issues, and yes, her personality is affected. It does not bother me but only causes me to empathize with her more.
 
Check her medications and see if any of them come with mood swings or possible depression as a side effect. If they don’t, wait until she is in a tolerable good mood and ask if everything is ok with her because she hasn’t seemed like herself for a while. If she claims everything is fine then some counseling may help. If she won’t go, then go by yourself and learn how to deal with her negative attitude so it doesn’t ruin your day or relationship with her.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Just so you know the food network and bravo employ many homosexual personalities who are public about thier sexuality. From cat Cora ( long hair) to Elizabeth Faulkner (short spikey hair) to Susan feniger (long grey hair). Anne Burrell (short hair) just to name a few food network hosts.
I’m not condoning your wife’s negative comments but it could be an expression of annoyance if she feels like this lifestyle is being pushed on her from the media. Many people, including me, are also peeved by this. While she may not have responded correctly it’s odd that you are annoyed with her and don’t want to be around her and not annoyed at say, the tv. One is your wife and the other has a remote you can control the content of.

You really need to be more compassionate and loving to your wife, if she is lashing out with negativity that is different than when you first married it’s probably because of pain, physical and emotional.

Again, you complaining about this reflects poorly on you.

My wife is dealing with serious health issues, and yes, her personality is affected. It does not bother me but only causes me to empathize with her more.
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If you don’t mind my saying so, your wife is quite a lucky girl. 🙂
 
I would sat bring it up when she is in a tolerable mood, and see if she will talk to her doctor about the symptoms she is experiencing. Maybe see about alternatives for the sleep apnea.

My husband has sleep apnea and I have found the CPAP to be wonderful. He sleeps better, doesn’t toss and turn, doesn’t snore, and is generally in a better mood. There are some negatives for the user, such as pressure on your jaw mouth, the mask and tube are kind of annoying or if you get the one for the nose, it can make that area raw, but in my experience the benefits have been awesome…

On the other hand, if she is not feeling well all the time that will put anyone in a bed mood. (When I am pregnant, I get in bad moods because I get sick of being sick). Or if her sleep apnea isn’t controlled she could be tired, and being tired makes everyone cranky.
 
Offer it up and say a prayer for her. I started doing this with someone in my life and it helped me 🙂 and the other person !!! so it really works.
 
jilly4ski said:
I would sat bring it up when she is in a tolerable mood, and see if she will talk to her doctor about the symptoms she is experiencing. Maybe see about alternatives for the sleep apnea.

My husband has sleep apnea and I have found the CPAP to be wonderful. He sleeps better, doesn’t toss and turn, doesn’t snore, and is generally in a better mood. There are some negatives for the user, such as pressure on your jaw mouth, the mask and tube are kind of annoying or if you get the one for the nose, it can make that area raw, but in my experience the benefits have been awesome…

On the other hand, if she is not feeling well all the time that will put anyone in a bed mood. (When I am pregnant, I get in bad moods because I get sick of being sick). Or if her sleep apnea isn’t controlled she could be tired, and being tired makes everyone cranky.
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My father has sleep apnea and now sleeps with a CPAP. He got it around the time I moved out of the house. I think that fact may very well account for the enormous differences in mine and my siblings’ perceptions of him. (No wonder - he went without a good night’s sleep for literally decades!)
 
One thing I have learned, tho… perhaps many will disagree so feel free to take this with a grain of salt…

Women hate passive aggressive. It is more akin to their methods in a stereotypical but truish sense.

More of a legit direct approach is needed sonce it is also the balance, as one acts one way and the other acts in opposite. Making snide comments in a reverse similar fashion for example would more likely heat it up. Whereas you could go with a more direct and earnest disapproval and not of persay the comment.

If you engage the merits of the comment you are in a similar boat and obviously you don’t need to defend some random tv woman’s sexuality, that will suck you into a pointless arguement and negate your real issue.

Mire just sound off that you dont feel like hearing negativuty and good chance she will defend her COMMENT not the attitude. With “she does look at her, I am not being negative she has a total lesbo haircut” or some such nonesense. It you may nitice is even tyoical here on CAF lol…

But anyway DO NOT ENGAGE!!! Even if you “win” the arguement you get sucked into you lost the war. You do not care about the “comment” details but the attitude. You can state such and put down your legit feeling.

“IDC what the comments are, if all you are going to dk is be negative then I don’t want you in here while I am trying to relax, so either chill or one of us needs to go in the other room”

Type thing.

But if any of this is worthwhile the biggest is getting sucked into any kind of needless details on side issues like a haircut. You are never interested in engaging the haircut, only the constant onslaught of negativity.

Oh… and with it the hardest oart would be standing that ground. You say something like this and she may near insist to nausea that you engage in detail debate, literally don’t. Just leave it where it is and do not let yourself cave into such.
 
Just ask her! Are you ok, are you handling your new meds alright? You seem less tolerant since you started x… I miss the old you.

Be concerned, not correcting.

If that doesn’t help there’s always woodworking 🙂
 
As someone who is struggling with some similar issues to your wife, the best advice I can offer is this… When she is not in a really bad mood, sit down with her and simply tell her that you’ve noticed how much she is struggling with things. Ask her if there is anything you can do to to help alleviate the symptoms. And lastly, gently suggest that she seek help. Whether it be medical or maybe counseling of some sort.

And like some other posters have suggested, if she is being really snarky and rude, just tell her calmly and say “You are in a rotten mood, I think you need to go cool off.” My DH as said something similar to me and while I may be put off at first, I typically go for a drive, pop into adoration or journal. Its amazing what a little perspective will do. Sorry you and your wife are going through this.
 
If the bad moods are out of character then maybe they are due to the new medication and perhaps she should consult the doctor to see if there is another one for her.
I have OSA.I don’t need to take any medications but I know that some of them,such as a certain Antidepressant given for OSA,are CNS Stimulants and can cause agitation and mood changes.
If that’s the case,there may not be much you can do to say to her apart from being tolerant & compassionate (and offering to change the channel) as rationalising wont be possible.
 
Elena321 said:
If the bad moods are out of character then maybe they are due to the new medication and perhaps she should consult the doctor to see if there is another one for her.
I have OSA.I don’t need to take any medications but I know that some of them,such as a certain Antidepressant given for OSA,are CNS Stimulants and can cause agitation and mood changes.
If that’s the case,there may not be much you can do to say to her apart from being tolerant & compassionate (and offering to change the channel) as rationalising wont be possible.
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Agree totally. Meds all have side effects and this needs reporting to her doctor.There are usually alternatives. Please check with her doctor to be totally fair to her,
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Just so you know the food network and bravo employ many homosexual personalities who are public about thier sexuality. From cat Cora ( long hair) to Elizabeth Faulkner (short spikey hair) to Susan feniger (long grey hair). Anne Burrell (short hair) just to name a few food network hosts.
I’m not condoning your wife’s negative comments but it could be an expression of annoyance if she feels like this lifestyle is being pushed on her from the media. Many people, including me, are also peeved by this. While she may not have responded correctly it’s odd that you are annoyed with her and don’t want to be around her and not annoyed at say, the tv. One is your wife and the other has a remote you can control the content of.

You really need to be more compassionate and loving to your wife, if she is lashing out with negativity that is different than when you first married it’s probably because of pain, physical and emotional.

Again, you complaining about this reflects poorly on you.

My wife is dealing with serious health issues, and yes, her personality is affected. It does not bother me but only causes me to empathize with her more.
Click to expand...
You hit the nail on the head…as always 😉

To the OP, I say give her a break. I’m not so sure why you were slighted/annoyed by a couple of off-hand comments. Frankly, if DH and I were watching that episode, the likelihood that either or both of us would’ve said the same thing is about 95% because like HoosierDaddy said, tv stations are just wanting to throw it in our faces all.the.time.

However, I’m guessing it’s not only that one moment that has you annoyed, but this is the Year of Mercy, right? I think you need to show some toward your wife. It all begins at home. If you choose to discuss this with her, proceed with caution. The last thing a wife wants is for a husband to come across as self-righteous because our memories are keen and the likelihood that your own personal failings in the past will suddenly come to light is probably about 99.9% 😉
 
Thanks for all of the replies.

As some have noted, the example I provided was just one example. That said, I’m going to try and let it slide more. In fact, I’m going to ignore pretty much everything as best I can and offer it up at this point.

Bad news is the new drug she is on is Adderall. She has been on it before (dr belived she had ADD and fibermyalgia). Not going to go into details…but it was VERY BAD when she was on it before…and in the course of trying to help was blamed for everything. I can see that look in her eyes again now…and there is no talking to her about it.

Had a blowup when I tried to step in whe she was berating our son about being on the computer, and now she is not talking to me at all. I mentioned her moods and she indicated she if fine around everyone except me. Hasn’t said more than 5 words to me in 2 days and is now not going with our family to a get together planned for this weekend.

Just seems something is bound on destroying this marriage. Prayers needed.
 
I respectfully disagree with everyone who’s said that you should just be more patient and compassionate. I do understand that this behavior of your wife’s is caused by a medical condition and/or a combination of the drugs treating it, but that does not alleviate her duty to be loving and kind to others – especially if you’re correct in your last post that she is only this way with you. That means she can control it.

This needs to be addressed with her doctors. If she’s not careful and doesn’t become more intent on figuring out what’s causing this and getting it corrected, she could lost her family.
 
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