How to have a wedding and keep our parents happy?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Pickles
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Yeah, I don’t think making a mockery of a church wedding is a good solution.
She’s agnostic. She needs to have THAT discussion with her folks.
 
When our daughter opted for an outdoor wedding in a fairy tale setting (literally, it was called Cinderella’s Cottage) when marrying our non-Catholic son-in-law I was very upset. When I mentioned that she could have the same thing with a dispensation she replied, “Yes, I could, but I’d have to lie and say that I’m going to raise our children Catholic and that I’m going to practice and I have no intention of doing either. I won’t lie to a priest.” I had to accept that and figure that she had more integrity than many of the couples I dealt with in my work who only cared about the pictures. Doesn’t mean I had to be happy about it.

When my son and his Catholic girlfriend did the same thing both her mother and I were very upset but neither of them believe in God so why would they make a farce of a Catholic wedding?
 
Last edited:
So @pickles, I can offer some first-hand advice here.

My parents and other family members refused to attend my outdoor, secular wedding. This was 30 years ago. Same situation as yours. I was raised Catholic but was agnostic.

So here is what I can offer you. Don’t try to convince or change your parents’ minds. The best you can do is let them know what you believe (couldn’t tell from your OP if they know you are agnostic). Honesty is important, because they deserve to know the truth and you shouldn’t hide the truth of who you are from others. Then remind them you and your fiance are people of integrity and simply aren’t able to participate in a wedding at which you would be required to make promises you have no intention of keeping. You may go so far as to explain your moral objections to what a Catholic marriage entails. That is up to you.

As a previous poster said, disappointment can be mitigated by adjusting your expectations. Your conservative Catholic family members most likely aren’t going to come to your wedding. You need to plan ahead and fill those seats with friends and family who do want to come and celebrate your marriage with you and your fiance.

Consider this a lesson of forgiveness. Most will say to focus on accepting your parents and their beliefs, just as you wish them to accept yours. I don’t know how productive this would be. A child deserves to be able to expect her parents will be there on the most important days in life, to the extent they are able. Birthdays, graduations, weddings, birth of children, etc. When a parent falls short because of their religious beliefs, it is a hard pill to swallow. Somehow I was able to put it behind me with the attitude of “What is done, is done” and remembering that there are times I am sure I hurt people in my life by just being who I am. We all need to be authentic.

Plan your wedding. Shop for your dress with people who want to be there with you and who are excited for you. Eventually, parents have a way of realizing that grandchildren may not be far down the road and they want a good relationship with their own kids so a happy grandparent/grandchild relationship can be fostered. This is genuine (usually not manipulative) , and it is a beautiful thing when that happens. Your parents may never tell you they are sorry they missed your wedding, so I would suggest not having that expectation.
 
Last edited:
Very nice, Querty. It certainly gives people something to think about.
 
Objectively speaking, you and your fiance are both Catholics, and therefore subject to the Church’s laws concerning marriage, which consider civil marriages by Catholics to be invalid. Because of this, your parents may not be able to attend a civil marriage in good conscience.

If either of you have notoriously rejected the faith, then it will not be possible for you to get married as long as you both reject it. If however, your and your fiance’s agnosticism is private, then it would still be possible to marry in the Church or to obtain a dispensation for marrying outside of it (which would allow your parents to attend in good conscience). Marrying in the Church (or with a dispensation from it) while not believing the faith would be wrong, so it cannot condoned per se, but it would be less bad than marrying invalidly in a civil ceremony. Given this, a priest would probably be willing to marry you. You should speak to a priest about your situation.
 
QContinuum said:
Will some bishops will permit outdoor Catholic ceremonies?
Click to expand...
There are a few who have given permission.

Permission for two Catholics to have a wedding in Catholic form in a place other than a church (canon 1115) is not the same thing as dispensation from form for a
Catholic marrying a non-Catholic (canon 1127.2).
 
Arkansan said:
If either of you have notoriously rejected the faith, then it will not be possible for you to get married as long as you both reject it.
Click to expand...
More accurately, they will get married just without the approval of the Catholic Church. The OP and the parents understand that. What the OP is looking for is any help as to a detente with her parents as well as her fiance’s parents, since not only are her parents not happy that the wedding is not happening at their Catholic Church but it seems her fiance’s dad and stepmom may be looking to have the wedding in their Southern Baptist church (unless I’m misreading that).
 
Hello.

I have to agree with Tis Bear.

I will pray for you and your fiance’s return to the Catholic Church. Please pray for me.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Speak to the Catholic pastor about receiving a dispensation to marry outside in a secular ceremony. It may be granted
Click to expand...
I think that is about as likely to happen as them getting a “dispensation” not to attend weekly Mass.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top