How to help a family member whose spouse is cheating?

[thereseozi]

Two months ago my sister’s husband decided after 19 years of marriage that “he’s done” and “doesn’t want to be married anymore”. They have two wonderful kids ages 17 (girl) and 9 (boy). Her husband frequently doesn’t come home until 24-48 hours later. They only have one car and so when he doesn’t come home, my sister and the kids are left without a car and have to rely upon other people to help them. (By the way, my sister lives in a different part of the country than me so I’m not able to be there to help them.) The husband stopped going to Mass and stopped praying the Rosary with the family. This has been shocking to all who know them.

My sister has two autoimmune disorders. She recently ended up in the ER and it appears she now has an ulcer. The two kids have become sick since all this has happened as well. My sister was going to drive herself to the ER but her husband put his wedding ring back on and said, “No, I’m your husband.” So he does things like that and then will take the ring off again and go back to not coming home, etc.

The boy was sick with a fever yesterday and was vomiting but his father decided to just leave. The little boy said to his dad today, “I was sick and you left me.” The girl went grocery shopping with her dad today and called my sister from the grocery store because she found women’s shoes in the back seat of the car. Earlier in the day my sister asked her husband where he was all day yesterday (didn’t come home until today) and he said he was out on a boat all day at his place of employment. When my sister confronted him about the women’s shoes he said they belonged to “-----” (the other woman) and that he helped her move into her own apartment yesterday. My sister asked him if that was going to be his new place to live and he said, “I don’t know.” At the same time he keeps insisting that there is nothing going on between them.

Can I ask your opinion… I’m getting so frustrated with my sister because she doesn’t seem like she is defending herself. She keeps saying it is God’s will and that God is the only one who can fix it. She didn’t even want to confront him about the shoes. She read somewhere on the internet that when a spouse is having a mid-life crisis, you shouldn’t ask them any questions and you should just let them be until they get it out of their system. She also found a Christian website on troubled marriages, so she is taking advice from there as well. Maybe I’m completely wrong but seems to me that I would be confronting the other woman, and getting the parents involved, etc. My sister seems to be in denial. She keeps saying that it’s not her husband’s fault but the devil as if to say her husband has no free will in the matter.

In the meantime, I just listen to all the bad things going on over there and feel helpless to do anything. I’m also completely confused as to how a family that goes to Mass together and prays the Rosary together, why/how can this happen? What about the family that prays together stays together? I can’t believe how her husband can be so blinded to the grave evil he is committing and all the lives it is affecting.

I don’t know what to do to help. I don’t know if her approach is the best way and if I should encourage it. Maybe she’s the saintly one (St. Elizabeth of Portugal raised her husband’s children from his affairs) and I’m the one who wants justice and for her husband to open his eyes and see how horrible this is.

I think I’m too personally involved and emotional and have no experience in this area in order to know what to do to help. Of course, I’m praying but is that enough? I wish God would make her husband and the other woman see the evil.

Thanks for listening! Please say a prayer for them.

 

[His_helpmeet]

At this point, honestly, it sounds as if you’ve really done all you can. I can understand that you’re frustrated and hurt. However, your sister is a grown adult. The biggest risk I can see is that she might contract an STI from her husband if she is still intimate with him while he’s having an affair. Apart from advising her of this risk, there really isn’t much you can do. This is HER problem, not yours. If you feel there is a risk to the children, you can call CPS - but that’s about it. I will keep your family in my prayers.

 

[crystal_waters]

Your sister may be scared that if she confronts her husband over the shoes he may confess hes cheating and may leave her…cant you talk to him via phone? Is there no family or friends who can talk to him?

 

[thereseozi]

I have tried calling him on his cell phone, but just like he does to my sister and his kids, he either doesn’t answer the phone or has it turned off and there is no voice mail box set up. My parents have passed away, but his parents don’t even know what is going on because my sister doesn’t want to upset them (the mother has an anxiety disorder). When my sister initially told them in the beginning, they allegedly called him names and he denied there was another woman. Since then they haven’t called to see how everything is and like I said my sister doesn’t want to tell them. I think she is also concerned that if she did, her husband would get upset.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m getting so frustrated with my sister because she doesn’t seem like she is defending herself. She keeps saying it is God’s will and that God is the only one who can fix it.

I can see how it is frustrating for you, however, it is very scary for your sister. She could loose at lot if he leaves and maybe she has nowhere to go. You can not judge your sister, it is her decision. Now, it is NOT God’s will that he cheats, but your sister is right in that only God can truly help and it IS God’s will for your sister to forgive. Whether it is God’s will for your sister to stay, will be communicated to HER via the holy spirit.

Maybe I’m completely wrong but seems to me that I would be confronting the other woman, and getting the parents involved, etc.

Huh??? What possible good could come of that. The only thing the other woman would do is rub it in her face that she has her husband. Honestly, it is 100% the man’s responsibility to tell the other woman to take a hike and if he won’t do it, then your sister deals with his behaviour. And telling his parents That will just make him more mad at him. He is an adult and can not be ordered by his parents

In the meantime, I just listen to all the bad things going on over there and feel helpless to do anything. .

It is totally acceptable to set a boundary 'I am sorry you are going through this but if you
choose to stay, I can no longer listen.

I’m also completely confused as to how a family that goes to Mass together and prays the Rosary together, why/how can this happen? What about the family that prays together stays together? I can’t believe how her husband can be so blinded to the grave evil he is committing and all the lives it is affecting. .

Actually… that is quite common. It is really easy to let mass become routine and prayers just a recital. It sounds like they never wanted to rock the boat so they never communicated and now he is exploding.

I don’t know what to do to help. I don’t know if her approach is the best way and if I should encourage it. **Maybe she’s the saintly one **(St. Elizabeth of Portugal raised her husband’s children from his affairs) and I’m the one who wants justice and for her husband to open his eyes and see how horrible this is.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Wanting justice is not always pious. Revenge is God’s alone

 

[severus68]

Two months ago my sister’s husband decided after 19 years of marriage that “he’s done” and “doesn’t want to be married anymore”. They have two wonderful kids ages 17 (girl) and 9 (boy). Her husband frequently doesn’t come home until 24-48 hours later. They only have one car and so when he doesn’t come home, my sister and the kids are left without a car and have to rely upon other people to help them. (By the way, my sister lives in a different part of the country than me so I’m not able to be there to help them.) The husband stopped going to Mass and stopped praying the Rosary with the family. This has been shocking to all who know them.

My sister has two autoimmune disorders. She recently ended up in the ER and it appears she now has an ulcer. The two kids have become sick since all this has happened as well. My sister was going to drive herself to the ER but her husband put his wedding ring back on and said, “No, I’m your husband.” So he does things like that and then will take the ring off again and go back to not coming home, etc.

The boy was sick with a fever yesterday and was vomiting but his father decided to just leave. The little boy said to his dad today, “I was sick and you left me.” The girl went grocery shopping with her dad today and called my sister from the grocery store because she found women’s shoes in the back seat of the car. Earlier in the day my sister asked her husband where he was all day yesterday (didn’t come home until today) and he said he was out on a boat all day at his place of employment. When my sister confronted him about the women’s shoes he said they belonged to “-----” (the other woman) and that he helped her move into her own apartment yesterday. My sister asked him if that was going to be his new place to live and he said, “I don’t know.” At the same time he keeps insisting that there is nothing going on between them.

Can I ask your opinion… I’m getting so frustrated with my sister because she doesn’t seem like she is defending herself. She keeps saying it is God’s will and that God is the only one who can fix it. She didn’t even want to confront him about the shoes. She read somewhere on the internet that when a spouse is having a mid-life crisis, you shouldn’t ask them any questions and you should just let them be until they get it out of their system. She also found a Christian website on troubled marriages, so she is taking advice from there as well. Maybe I’m completely wrong but seems to me that I would be confronting the other woman, and getting the parents involved, etc. My sister seems to be in denial. She keeps saying that it’s not her husband’s fault but the devil as if to say her husband has no free will in the matter.

In the meantime, I just listen to all the bad things going on over there and feel helpless to do anything. I’m also completely confused as to how a family that goes to Mass together and prays the Rosary together, why/how can this happen? What about the family that prays together stays together? I can’t believe how her husband can be so blinded to the grave evil he is committing and all the lives it is affecting.

I don’t know what to do to help. I don’t know if her approach is the best way and if I should encourage it. Maybe she’s the saintly one (St. Elizabeth of Portugal raised her husband’s children from his affairs) and I’m the one who wants justice and for her husband to open his eyes and see how horrible this is.

I think I’m too personally involved and emotional and have no experience in this area in order to know what to do to help. Of course, I’m praying but is that enough? I wish God would make her husband and the other woman see the evil.

Thanks for listening! Please say a prayer for them.

Its not saii.ntly to let her children see and suffer from their father’s behavour. If she leaves it alone, her children will learn the wrong things about how parents should behave.

Your sister is ill and needs a break. Would you be able to get her and the kids over to your place and help them out for the time being? Her husband is blatant with his infidelity and negligent with regard to his kids. Would she agree? It may be a wake up call for her husband. She needs to heal.

 

[crystal_waters]

I have tried calling him on his cell phone, but just like he does to my sister and his kids, he either doesn’t answer the phone or has it turned off and there is no voice mail box set up. My parents have passed away, but his parents don’t even know what is going on because my sister doesn’t want to upset them (the mother has an anxiety disorder). When my sister initially told them in the beginning, they allegedly called him names and he denied there was another woman. Since then they haven’t called to see how everything is and like I said my sister doesn’t want to tell them. I think she is also concerned that if she did, her husband would get upset.

If his parents will confront him…then tell them everything…they may shame him into sorting out his behaviour…

 

[epan]

Two months ago my sister’s husband decided after 19 years of marriage that “he’s done” and “doesn’t want to be married anymore”. They have two wonderful kids ages 17 (girl) and 9 (boy). Her husband frequently doesn’t come home until 24-48 hours later. They only have one car and so when he doesn’t come home, my sister and the kids are left without a car and have to rely upon other people to help them. (By the way, my sister lives in a different part of the country than me so I’m not able to be there to help them.) The husband stopped going to Mass and stopped praying the Rosary with the family. This has been shocking to all who know them.

My sister has two autoimmune disorders. She recently ended up in the ER and it appears she now has an ulcer. The two kids have become sick since all this has happened as well. My sister was going to drive herself to the ER but her husband put his wedding ring back on and said, “No, I’m your husband.” So he does things like that and then will take the ring off again and go back to not coming home, etc.

The boy was sick with a fever yesterday and was vomiting but his father decided to just leave. The little boy said to his dad today, “I was sick and you left me.” The girl went grocery shopping with her dad today and called my sister from the grocery store because she found women’s shoes in the back seat of the car. Earlier in the day my sister asked her husband where he was all day yesterday (didn’t come home until today) and he said he was out on a boat all day at his place of employment. When my sister confronted him about the women’s shoes he said they belonged to “-----” (the other woman) and that he helped her move into her own apartment yesterday. My sister asked him if that was going to be his new place to live and he said, “I don’t know.” At the same time he keeps insisting that there is nothing going on between them.

Can I ask your opinion… I’m getting so frustrated with my sister because she doesn’t seem like she is defending herself. She keeps saying it is God’s will and that God is the only one who can fix it. She didn’t even want to confront him about the shoes. She read somewhere on the internet that when a spouse is having a mid-life crisis, you shouldn’t ask them any questions and you should just let them be until they get it out of their system. She also found a Christian website on troubled marriages, so she is taking advice from there as well. Maybe I’m completely wrong but seems to me that I would be confronting the other woman, and getting the parents involved, etc. My sister seems to be in denial. She keeps saying that it’s not her husband’s fault but the devil as if to say her husband has no free will in the matter.

In the meantime, I just listen to all the bad things going on over there and feel helpless to do anything. I’m also completely confused as to how a family that goes to Mass together and prays the Rosary together, why/how can this happen? What about the family that prays together stays together? I can’t believe how her husband can be so blinded to the grave evil he is committing and all the lives it is affecting.

I don’t know what to do to help. I don’t know if her approach is the best way and if I should encourage it. Maybe she’s the saintly one (St. Elizabeth of Portugal raised her husband’s children from his affairs) and I’m the one who wants justice and for her husband to open his eyes and see how horrible this is.

I think I’m too personally involved and emotional and have no experience in this area in order to know what to do to help. Of course, I’m praying but is that enough? I wish God would make her husband and the other woman see the evil.

Thanks for listening! Please say a prayer for them.

Time for a good lawyer.

 

[horselvr]

Really, this is going to be your sisters decision and as a loving sister you have to accept her decision. Be there for her as a sound board and allow her to talk with you and cry her eyes out but don’t tell her what she needs to do. She already knows that she either forgives or moves on but that is her decision. And it will be very difficult for you to not add your two cents but do try.

I’ll remmeber your sister/and kids tomorrow at Mass.