How to help a friend?

[Jenny35]

I have a childhood friend whom I have stayed in touch with as adults. We are very much opposites and in many ways the differences in our personalities is what makes our friendship work, but they also cause some of the biggest challenges.

She is going through a very rough time right now and I don’t know how to help her. Her father recently died after years of being very ill and she herself has been in very poor health for the last 5 to 6 years and is on disability. She has the biggest heart in the world - if she likes you - and would do anything for the people she cares about. But, she hates people with a passion I’ve never seen anywhere, hates children, does not believe in God and harbors anger for things that are decades old. For example, her grandma died when she was 9 and she is still as angry about that today, thirty years later, as she was when it happened.

I don’t mean to paint her all negative, because she is not. She is funny and sensitive, very smart and a hard worker, but in order for you guys to know why I need help, I have to show the uglier sides of her personality. It is very hard for me to see her so devastated and hopeless, but I do not know what to offer at this point considering our worldviews are so different. She recently wrote that she hates her life and has not had one good day in 9 years. I know that it is not my responsibility to fix this, but I feel as though I should offer something. She won’t accept offers to visit or go out etc. Sorry this is so long.

 

[Xantippe]

I have a childhood friend whom I have stayed in touch with as adults. We are very much opposites and in many ways the differences in our personalities is what makes our friendship work, but they also cause some of the biggest challenges.

She is going through a very rough time right now and I don’t know how to help her. Her father recently died after years of being very ill and she herself has been in very poor health for the last 5 to 6 years and is on disability. She has the biggest heart in the world - if she likes you - and would do anything for the people she cares about. But, she hates people with a passion I’ve never seen anywhere, hates children, does not believe in God and harbors anger for things that are decades old. For example, her grandma died when she was 9 and she is still as angry about that today, thirty years later, as she was when it happened.

I don’t mean to paint her all negative, because she is not. She is funny and sensitive, very smart and a hard worker, but in order for you guys to know why I need help, I have to show the uglier sides of her personality. It is very hard for me to see her so devastated and hopeless, but I do not know what to offer at this point considering our worldviews are so different. She recently wrote that she hates her life and has not had one good day in 9 years. I know that it is not my responsibility to fix this, but I feel as though I should offer something. She won’t accept offers to visit or go out etc. Sorry this is so long.

Maybe just check in at increasing intervals–one week, two weeks, one month, and repeat your offers for outings and visits. I’d keep repeating the monthly check-ins until after Christmas, as the holiday season will be particularly difficult, so I would make a particular effort around those times. You can also offer food or help with errands. This is still very early days, even if your friend didn’t have a lot of trouble letting go.

If she comes around, please urge her to seek counseling and to try a grief support group.

 

[Cricket2]

Your friend may have a severe form of depression, and most certainly does not handle painful events well. Have you ever just told her it is not normal to be so full of hate and anger all the time? It may be the final straw for her, but she needs to hear this. She needs professional help.

There are many medical conditions that can cause severe emotional responses including respiratory disorders, heart disorders, problems with hormones, chronic pain and yes just plain depression. But whatever it is, she needs to deal with this and someone needs to head her that direction.

 

[Mayita30]

Sometimes all it takes is a Listening ear… Not all lonely and sad people need other people to solve their problems… Just be there for her like always !!!

 

[Anglewannabe]

She does not sound like the type of person who would welcome any feedback, so I do believe the situation needs to handled carefully.

If she starts going on about how mad she is that her Grandmother died, I would simply gently say something like ‘I know it hurts to loose a loved one as a child. However that was 30 years ago. I do think to carry all that anger for so long must be a drain. Perhaps it is time to start letting go of some of that. Is there anyway I can help you?’

Angie