Q
QuietAnn
Guest
Hi all,
This may be a long story. I’ll try to explain as best I can, but my husband and I could greatly use some advice on how to deal with/be charitable to/help my younger sister. First I have to explain that I am a Catholic convert and converted 7 years ago just before my marriage to my husband. My family is not Catholic. My mother is an alcoholic and drug addict, has been since we were kids, and has drawn my sister into a very unhealthy relationship with her since she was a teenager. Recently despite many rock-bottoms, and rehab, she has become a severe heroin addict. What’s more, my sister, a 20-something, married with two babies, also began using heroin with my mom. Since then, she and her husband were evicted, her husband found out about the heroin, took the kids to his parents’ house, and has been living there since.
My sister has been living at various friends’ places and for months now has been living in a car with someone. She has been clean from drugs for about 2 months AND has finally, finally realized that she NEEDS to be away from my mom and has not spoken to her in 2 months either. Let me also note that my sister and her husband are both extremely immature and have always had a poor relationship as well. Both began having kids as teenagers and they weren’t ready to get married when they did. So, you can see the many complexities here, and there are many more I don’t even have the room to write.
My husband and I are sort of seen as the “rock” of my side of the family, which is a very dysfunctional and ripped-apart family. Many members come to us seeking advice – they know our beliefs, etc., and I suppose that draws them to us at times. Unfortunately in this situation it has become burdensome and we are not sure if we are putting up too many boundaries, or HOW to be charitable appropriately, without letting too much chaos into our family, etc. For 6 months now I/we have not spoken to my mother because, after years of attempting to help her, as I said, she is no longer help-able aside from our prayers. Honestly, we have no idea what else to do. My sister is allowed by her husband to see her kids if she comes to our home and we have the kids over. She doesn’t feel comfortable going to her husband’s parents’ and I doubt she is welcome there, either. So, we are comfortable with once or twice a week letting her come here with her 2 children, and that has been fine. Neither of them drive or have cars so we go get the kids, etc.
Meanwhile my sister is becoming increasingly hopeless. She has nowhere to live (and we live in a small apartment so there is no room here with my husband and me and our 2 small children and one on the way). She had a job and lost it. She basically sees no way she is going to dig herself out of this. Every time she asks if she can come over and see the kids (and lately she has asked to sleep over with one of them) I get tense. And I don’t know why. I feel like I have the tendency to build up walls around our family – and with my family’s history of drug abuse and manipulation, I think this is to be expected and even GOOD to protect my family in ways – but my husband and I both are uncertain if we are doing enough, doing too much, failing in being charitable… etc. I trust my husband’s wisdom and he is a strong leader of our family, but in this area currently we’re both so uncertain.
Honestly, I want to run away from this. I feel like she needs so much help that we can’t give her. I feel like her dependence on us even just to see her kids is too much for me. And I’m concerned that I am not being giving enough, I suppose. We, of course, know our family comes first, and we never allow anyone to cross the line, there. But should we be doing something we’re not in this situation?
Thanks for any advice.
This may be a long story. I’ll try to explain as best I can, but my husband and I could greatly use some advice on how to deal with/be charitable to/help my younger sister. First I have to explain that I am a Catholic convert and converted 7 years ago just before my marriage to my husband. My family is not Catholic. My mother is an alcoholic and drug addict, has been since we were kids, and has drawn my sister into a very unhealthy relationship with her since she was a teenager. Recently despite many rock-bottoms, and rehab, she has become a severe heroin addict. What’s more, my sister, a 20-something, married with two babies, also began using heroin with my mom. Since then, she and her husband were evicted, her husband found out about the heroin, took the kids to his parents’ house, and has been living there since.
My sister has been living at various friends’ places and for months now has been living in a car with someone. She has been clean from drugs for about 2 months AND has finally, finally realized that she NEEDS to be away from my mom and has not spoken to her in 2 months either. Let me also note that my sister and her husband are both extremely immature and have always had a poor relationship as well. Both began having kids as teenagers and they weren’t ready to get married when they did. So, you can see the many complexities here, and there are many more I don’t even have the room to write.
My husband and I are sort of seen as the “rock” of my side of the family, which is a very dysfunctional and ripped-apart family. Many members come to us seeking advice – they know our beliefs, etc., and I suppose that draws them to us at times. Unfortunately in this situation it has become burdensome and we are not sure if we are putting up too many boundaries, or HOW to be charitable appropriately, without letting too much chaos into our family, etc. For 6 months now I/we have not spoken to my mother because, after years of attempting to help her, as I said, she is no longer help-able aside from our prayers. Honestly, we have no idea what else to do. My sister is allowed by her husband to see her kids if she comes to our home and we have the kids over. She doesn’t feel comfortable going to her husband’s parents’ and I doubt she is welcome there, either. So, we are comfortable with once or twice a week letting her come here with her 2 children, and that has been fine. Neither of them drive or have cars so we go get the kids, etc.
Meanwhile my sister is becoming increasingly hopeless. She has nowhere to live (and we live in a small apartment so there is no room here with my husband and me and our 2 small children and one on the way). She had a job and lost it. She basically sees no way she is going to dig herself out of this. Every time she asks if she can come over and see the kids (and lately she has asked to sleep over with one of them) I get tense. And I don’t know why. I feel like I have the tendency to build up walls around our family – and with my family’s history of drug abuse and manipulation, I think this is to be expected and even GOOD to protect my family in ways – but my husband and I both are uncertain if we are doing enough, doing too much, failing in being charitable… etc. I trust my husband’s wisdom and he is a strong leader of our family, but in this area currently we’re both so uncertain.
Honestly, I want to run away from this. I feel like she needs so much help that we can’t give her. I feel like her dependence on us even just to see her kids is too much for me. And I’m concerned that I am not being giving enough, I suppose. We, of course, know our family comes first, and we never allow anyone to cross the line, there. But should we be doing something we’re not in this situation?
Thanks for any advice.