If this is organic, then her symptoms need to be treated. Women around the world get PMS, and we don’t hit, spit, or push anybody, or at least we aren’t given permission to do so. Most of us don’t get permission to be verbally abusive, either.
The truth is, most domestic abuse comes from men, and men don’t get PMS. They do suffer from stress and other mental health issues. They can also suffer from a tendency to make excuses for themselves and of expecting their victims to “deal with it.” This tendency is not confined to males. Whatever other legitimate problems your wife has, that tendency in her needs to stop. If this tendency is not confronted, your marriage will not survive her abusive behavior. No matter how committed you are, this cannot go on indefinitely.
So ask yourself: If the tables were turned and a woman came to you and asked how you ought to handle it when her husband treated her exactly in the same way your wife has treated you, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to tell no one else, lest he escalate his abuse? Would you give her hints about how *she *should act in order to not provoke *his *abusive outbursts? I don’t think so. Abuse does not go away when it is hidden. It does not go away when it is excused. Instead, whatever problem is causing it continues to grow, and the abuse gets worse. People die from failing to address abuse, even men. Although men are somewhat more likely to be physically abusive in general, women are by no means incapable of physical abuse, and some studies show that married women are more likely to be abusive than married men:
divorcesupport.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=divorcesupport&cdn=people&tm=40&gps=230_674_1259_572&f=00&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.csulb.edu/%7Emfiebert/assault.htm Example: Brinkerhoff, M., & Lupri, E. (1988). Interspousal violence. Canadian Journal of Sociology, 13, 407-434. (Examined Interspousal violence in a representative sample of 562 couples in Calgary, Canada. Used Conflict Tactics Scale and found twice as much wife-to-husband as husband-to-wife severe violence <10.7% vs 4.8%>. The overall violence rate for husbands was 10.3% while the overall violence rate for wives was 13.2%. Violence was significantly higher in younger and childless couples. Results suggest that male violence decreased with higher educational attainment, while female violence increased.]
If you have any hope of saving your marriage, the abuse must stop. It is intolerable, I do not care what her hormones are doing, and your wife should not be allowed to give herself permission to abuse you. A person who is a danger to herself or others does not get carte blanche to cause harm because she has an organic issue that is causing it. If she really has no self control because of the problem, as she seems to be claiming, then she needs to have herself committed until the problem is brought under control. If she is not that bad, then she needs to control herself.
I will remind you, by the way, that although the rules on paper are the same for men and women, the rules as they are practiced are not.
If she gets bruised some night when you are defending yourself, you could easily be the one who winds up arrested, jailed, and convicted. You will be the one with the criminal record, and it will never go away. The next time she starts getting abusive, at least one of you needs to leave immediately. No threats, no arguments, no drama, no nothing. Have a place where you can go, and just leave.
You know that if she were alcoholic or abusing drugs, you would only make the situation worse by covering for her and letting her make excuses for herself. Because she is giving herself permission to abuse her and you are tolerating and even concealing the abuse, this situation is not different.
You must say “no, this must stop”.