How to help someone who is really hurting

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Anglewannabe

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I recently met a lady at church who on the outside is a lot like me. Mid 40s, single, never married no kids and has employment struggles. It turns out, she also attends the same bible study as me. She approached me one day and said 'I think we could help each other with our employment struggles. Honestly, I was shocked because I have no idea how she knew I had them because I never talk about it with people in public settings, but I digress.

Well… at first I though it would be great because we could pray for each other and since we are both low income, there would be no pressure to spend money going out.

After getting to know her, I have come to realize that I don’t think I could help her and I definitely could never be helped by her. I don’t expect her help and I just don’t talk about things that bother me with her.

However, she is ALWAYS talking about her problems and refusing to listen to anything I say. It has gotten to the point when she talks about how she can’ t get a job (which my heart bleeds for her), I don’t even dare suggest she pray to God because I am petrified at how horribly that statement would go over.

I saw her at church and she asked me for a lift home. I said yes (it is getting cold here in Canada and I didn’t feel like making her stand at a bus stop) As usual it was all about her and her struggles. I honestly feel like the only thing I can do is pray for her.

So my question is ‘Are my prayers enough?’ The truth is, she is NOT open to any feedback and I don’t want to ‘push’ my suggestions on her

One last thing I need to say. Once, she actually told me the name of someone asking me if I knew this woman. I said ‘no’ and then she proceeded to tell me about her personal business. I told her I did not like gossip and if this woman does not tell me her personal business to my face, I did not want to hear it from a third person. Well, this ‘friend’ got very defensive and full of excuses as to what she did was not gossip. I was at a bible study once and she named a woman who could not be there that night and proceeded to tell everyone about the unjustice this woman went through at her work:eek: All I could think is 'What is she saying about me"

So to recap, how can I be charitable when I really don’t think this woman wants my help

Angie
 
Why would a suggestion that she pray about her troubles go over badly? You met her at church and Bible study, presumably she is a Christian.
You could offer to pray with her. That is a great deal of help.
You can ask her to pray for you.
Then if she bothers you, you can minimize your time with her. Just say you’re busy and need to get home to do – something you need to do.
God bless.
 
It sounds to me like this lady is getting exactly what she wants–an ear to listen to her. You will not solve her problems or fix her life, but she doesn’t seem to really want solutions–just a sympathetic listener.

Do you enjoy anything about interacting with the lady? If you’re not satisfied with the relationship, you’re under no obligation to continue to spend time with her.

If you do continue spending time with her, don’t expect her to change, don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t want made common knowledge, and don’t build up resentment. You can’t do anything about who she is.
 
Many of us have had to deal with people like this in the course of our lifetimes. I always admire those people who know exactly how to put and end to it all diplomatically, but I don’t have that skill. Praying with her sounds like the ideal situation for you but having an honest conversation with her would probably be the nicest thing you could do for her. Sharing, kindly, what you have discussed here might upset or anger her but it would be the right thing to do. The opportunity to a gentle, fraternal correction over the gossiping would be a great place to start. I will pray for the Holy Spirit to give you the right words.
 
Viki63 said:
Why would a suggestion that she pray about her troubles go over badly?
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Because she would probably say something like ‘I have done that but I need practical advice’. Then she would proceed to talk about all the steps she has taken, (which I find wearing since I have taken them all and gotten no where) and then she would proceed to talk about all the people she knows and the detail of what they are doing and the unfair trials they had and I would blow my lid because she is gossiping again.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Because she would probably say something like ‘I have done that but I need practical advice’. Then she would proceed to talk about all the steps she has taken, (which I find wearing since I have taken them all and gotten no where) and then she would proceed to talk about all the people she knows and the detail of what they are doing and the unfair trials they had and I would blow my lid because she is gossiping again.
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That’s bad enough that I’d be almost (almost!) tempted to ask her (in the kindest possible way), “Do you think that the way you talk might lead future employers to believe that you won’t respect their confidentiality?” or “Do you think that your difficulty letting other people get a word edgewise might be interfering with your job search?”

The thing is, it sounds like she’s so socially active that if people actually liked her, they would be offering her little jobs here and there (a little babysitting, a little yard work, etc) if they knew of her money troubles. She’s on the one hand very active, and on the other hand, sabotaging herself with every word that comes out of her mouth.

Communicating some of those concerns may end your “friendship,” such as it is, but it’s all win. Either she’ll take the advice to heart and become easier to be around or she’ll cut off ties in a huff. Either way, your life is better!

(Speaking of which, do you notice how often you post to CAF with grievances about people either in your social life or at work?)
 
Xantippe said:
That’s bad enough that I’d be almost (almost!) tempted to ask her (in the kindest possible way), “Do you think that the way you talk might lead future employers to believe that you won’t respect their confidentiality?” or “Do you think that your difficulty letting other people get a word edgewise might be interfering with your job search?”
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I would NEVER be able to pull that off in a charitable way.
Xantippe said:
(Speaking of which, do you notice how often you post to CAF with grievances about people either in your social life or at work?)
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Yes, but that is because this is where I come to let the negative out. I rarely post the positive and I post the negative here because

1-) It help me get it out without boring people in real life

2-) If I am being to draining on someone, they can simply not read my post. I am not cornering people in public 😉
 
Dacinom said:
I think she is listening, she is not doing what you tell her to do, but she is listening. I think the kind of “help” she wants is just that, someone to listen.

If you think of how often people ask for advice, then think of the actual percentage that actually take the advice given and CHANGE how they are behaving I think the amounts would be staggeringly small. Even here on this forum, how often have you or I asked for advice and done exactly what was suggested to us by others? Often we like advice or feedback, but then we think about it a while, digest it and then come up with solutions of our own that fit our personalities, lives or circumstances.

It doesn’t mean that you are not giving this woman good suggestions for her life, it just means that she is human… From the sounds of it, it sounds like she can also be rather annoying to you. For your own sake it might be wise to keep visits with her shorter and less frequent. That way you can maintain a bit of a cordial friendship without going crazy. Hope this helps a little, God bless.
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yes, it helps. However, the reason I say she does not listen is because she interrupts me before I can finish and fully explain what I mean or just changes the topic. If she said something like ‘Thank you for your perspective’ and didn’t listen, I could respect that. Or if she didn’t constantly bring up the same things and the same solutions she did that did not work, it would be different.
 
heidi_storage said:
It sounds to me like this lady is getting exactly what she wants–an ear to listen to her. You will not solve her problems or fix her life, but she doesn’t seem to really want solutions–just a sympathetic listener.

Do you enjoy anything about interacting with the lady? If you’re not satisfied with the relationship, you’re under no obligation to continue to spend time with her.

If you do continue spending time with her, don’t expect her to change, don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t want made common knowledge, and don’t build up resentment. You can’t do anything about who she is.
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This
 
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