How to interest a teen in God?

[nana3]

I think she will need lots of prayer and support for this. In fact, this may be the main thing going on.

So let me just say this: I have spent most of my life battling pornography addiction (including reading erotic stories), and these things have a tremendous power to shape one’s self-image, and a power to distort one’s image of God. God becomes the enemy who hates us for sinning – how’s THAT for a distorted image? Your daughter probably doesn’t want anything to do with God because she thinks God doesn’t want anything to do with her!

And she is so young! I felt terrible shame for my sexual sins as a teenager, and I never even looked at pornography until I was 16 or so. She’s probably been looking at this stuff, reading and writing it for years already. She needs someone who is willing to listen to her talk about it – someone who wants to hear what she has done. Unless someone really knows what she has done and loudly and clearly loves her anyway, she will feel that she is worthy of condemnation. The shame is eating her up.

I would talk to her, and tell her effusively how much I loved her, and tell her that she can tell me about anything she’s struggling with, anything she’s done, no matter how bad, and nothing that she’s done could possibly change the way that I love and adore her.

My brother said that to me once, and it changed my life forever.

My two cents.

Thank you for your “two cents” and it was helpful. I do think she is gull of guilt because she has such a difficult time falling asleep. I do try to see what is bothering her, but she is not talking for now. I will try what you said above and she how she responds. Thanks.

 

[nana3]

I would do two things - one - offer to change religion this year to a comparative religion class. Compare and contrast different faiths of the world - it would be interesting, she needs to know it, and it would show her you take her questions seriously.

Second, if you can afford it, send her to one of those Catholic adventure camps, or tell her you will look into one for next year. A few that I know of are Camp Wojtyla in Colorado, The Envoy summer camp in NC, University of Dallas has one for high school aged students called Odyssey Days or something. Thomas Aquinas College has one. There is another that just started at St. Vincent College in PA. I am sure there are more. Look through the Newman Guide and search what those recommended colleges offer. They are a lot of fun and students become more interested in their faith and meet other teens that they are interested in doing the same. Those weeks away have changed lives, from what I understand.

I wanted her to do to a good Catholic adventure camp, but her self-esteem is so low that she did not want to stay in the same room to sleep with other girls. She likes her privacy. Those were the reasons she gave me. She was actually in panic when I told her was going, so I dropped it and left it up to her.

 

[nana3]

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope with all my heart that he does not regret his choices someday. Strictness isn’t bad for children (most children and teenagers prefer strict parents and teachers.) But some parents, especially fathers, confuse strictness with harshness. A harsh father will drive his children away. If you feel that your husband is harsh, then perhaps he will agree to meet other fathers in your parish who manage to raise their children well, with strict rules, but are able to do this without being harsh.

No, I don’t think that hurt her. I think it’s wonderful! Proverbs 22:6 tells parents “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Cling to that promise and remind God of it often! God will honor His promises!

So all your teaching of the Faith has not been “hurtful,” but helpful.

I think what may have been a little tough on your daughter is being just a little over-sheltered. I know a lot of homeschooled kids (I work with kids in music and drama in my community and parish), and most of them are great kids. But some have been sheltered just a little too much, and they have a hard time dealing with the real world, freedom, growing up, etc.

It’s hard for homeschooling families to find a good balance. After all, one of the main reasons people homeschool is to help their children keep their innocence and grow up “unhurried.”

That’s why I always recommend that homeschooling families get involved with homeschooling co-ops in their area. These co-ops allow parents and children to interact with others who are like-minded, and it helps the children to develop social skills and savvy needed to deal with the world outside their safe home.

But don’t beat yourself up over homeschooling your daughter and teaching her the Faith. These are GOOD things, not bad.

I play piano, and I am involved with youth music in several ways. I wish I could meet your daughter!

Here are a few suggestions.

Make sure that your daughter has a teacher who is a good role model and hopefully friend to her. I hope that the teacher is a female, not a male. It’s not that I have anything against male piano teachers–I have a male organ teacher right now and I adore him and think he’s the best music teacher in the world! But I think that a female role model other than mother would be good for your daughter at this stage in her life.

Make sure that the piano teacher will also teach your daughter music theory! I can’t emphasize this enough. If she wants to compose music, she has to understand music. My piano teacher never taught me theory, and I just picked it up on my own, but now that I am older, I take theory lessons from my organ teacher as well, to make up for the many holes in my knowledge.

Since your daughter wants to be a singer, find a voice teacher for her. This person SHOULD be a woman, preferably a pretty woman who runs her music studio in a fun, exciting way, and who gets her students involved in recitals, shows/musicals, recitals, cabarets, etc… Your daughter should feel excited to be part of this women’s group of students. She will get to know the other students (the voice teacher will be helpful with this), and this will be a good way for her to feel comfortable and not so shy.

She’s a little young to take voice lessons, and some teachers won’t accept young students. Find someone who will accept her as a student. Explain that you want her to learn to sing correctly, and that’s she interested in composing as well as just singing.

Final suggestion–find a good choir (young people) for her to join. IN fact, if you can’t find a good voice teacher who is willing to take such a young student, the CHOIR is the best place for her to learn good singing techniques. Make sure the choir is a good choir, one that does lots of performing and has a lot of fun together. IT doesn’t matter what kind of choir–Broadway-type choir would be great for your daughter, but it could be barbershop, traditional (school-type), classical, Christian (contemporary or traditional)–whatever you can find that has a good director.

Just a little suggestion, though–it might be best to avoid the “schola” type choir at this time, unless your daughter is really excited about it. Your daughter probably won’t be excited about more “religion.”

Let your daughter make the choice of choirs. Maybe you would prefer that she join youth Bach choir, and she prefers to join a swing/jazz choir. Go with her choice.

Thank you CAT’s for all your advice. I am reading your post just now and it is interesting how some of what you said has been done already. I have hired a vocal trainer and my dd had her first trial lesson with her and loves it. This woman is not only Catholic, but also very pretty. My daughter commented on her beauty. She also wants to join the teen choir. I allowed her to make this decision since she quit mid-year last school year. She did this because she was in middle school and it was a choir of HS students. This year she wants to go that.

Her piano teacher is also a good model. She does give advice to my dd with things that have nothing to do with piano. She has offered herself to talk to anytime, but so far my dd has not taken her up on the offer. This woman also is a great Christian woman. She is not Catholic, but she shares her faith in God to my dd. I will ask her piano teacher to teach her theory as well. Thanks CAT’s!!

 

[nana3]

I would love to chime in on this, although what I have to say is difficult. I have actually been doing some meditation on this exact issue (being atheism/ignorance in the youth) and I have come to some conclusions.

I am on the younger side and I was a self-proclaimed ‘atheist’ throughout my young teen years. Thanks be to God I am no longer and I have rediscovered my faith. However, most of my friends from my youth have either completely renounced the faith and/or openly speak out against it. Now that I have moved back into the faith, I try and try to get my friends to see the truth of Christ but they do their normal routine-- insulting me for having ‘lost my mind’ or saying that I’m being indoctrinated by the school I attend. They will not even entertain the ideas I propose to them. It is literally in one ear and out the other.

Of course this behavior frustrates me, but I know somewhere deep down that it is exactly what I would have done when I was an ‘atheist’. In fact, I did it all the time when my family tried to get me to snap out of it. It is the darkest, most helpless depth for a teen to sink to.

Now, you may not like to hear what I say next, but it is my own conclusion that I have drawn. There is no help for young atheists but the graces that they actively seek through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It is how I got out of it. We all know that denying the faith is a grave sin. Grave sins, from personal experience, usually lead to more grave sins. It’s the digging of a teen’s own spiritual grave. Forcing them to go to Mass or to pray the Rosary will mean absolutely nothing to them, for their cycle of sin has disconnected them from God (this is why, of course, we call certain sins mortal-- the death of the soul).

Which brings me to my second point. There is a verse in 1 John that I often contemplate as my sort of explanation for this ‘darkness’ among teens. It is also how Catholics often explain the distinction between mortal and lesser sin.

1 John 5:16-- If you see any brother or sister commit a sin that does not lead to death, you should pray and God will give them life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that you should pray about that. (Keep in mind that this verse is taken from the NIV I have on hand. If you were to look in the NAB or NRSV, it would instead read ‘mortal’)

St. John basically says this-- no spiritual action of ours will revive a dead soul, just like no physical action of ours could revive a dead body.

So, my advice is this-- as painful as it is to watch your daughter suffer, you have to let her be. Eventually, our all-merciful God will lead her out of it, but she must ultimately be the one to initiate the change. You must have faith that He will eventually triumph in her, because He did in me and Lord knows my soul was more dead than dirt.

I will be praying for the Lord to give you patience in this endeavor. I do not know how my mother survived.

God bless.

Thanks for your story. My dd did want to go to confession when she was sinning. In fact, the priest was the one to encourage her to confide in me. I was surprised, but not totally shocked. She has been to confession more since. She has a ways to go, but I hope the Lord will help and heal her broken heart. Thanks for your prayers, they are needed.

 

[bcuster]

I am a 56-year-old woman who raised two daughters who are grown and doing well.

I think that what your daughter is going through is normal teenaged rebellion.

NORMAL. Please note that word, NORMAL.

It is normal for teenagers to challenge their parents and other authorities. The teenager is trying to grow up and become independent, so they “test” everything and everyone, and disagree with everything that they have ever been taught.

This can be extremely upsetting to parents and others who thought that they did a good job raising the child! It’s especially upsetting to religious parents, because their child’s eternal soul is at stake.

What you need to remember is that the teenager has not yet made up their mind yet. They’re only TESTING. They are trying out different belief systems, behaviors, personalities, vocabulary, dress, music, etc. in their attempt to figure out who they are and how they fit into this world.

Also keep in mind that the teenager is extremely insecure and in their heart of hearts, terrified to be independent of their parents. This is a scary time in their lives, and they tend to be emotional, grumpy, mean, surly, pouty, highly-dramatic, etc.

What you need to do as a parent is step back and allow the teenager to explore life, even though you find much of their exploration disturbing. At the same time, you need to protect the teenager from exploring things that may kill or hurt them; e.g., drugs, alcohol, sex, gangs, crime of any kind, reckless driving (without seat belts), etc.

For everything your teenager does, ask, “Will this kill her?”

Wearing immodest clothes will not kill your daughter. Refusing to hold a Rosary will not kill her. Not wanting to pray or take religion class will not kill her.

Yes, it hurts you and your husband But this isn’t about you, it’s about HER and her growing-up and away from you.

You HAVE done a good job raising her. I suspect that you have probably sheltered her a little too much, possibly even smothered her a little. But for the most part, you’ve raised her well. TRUST your childrearing. Trust that God will bring all that she has been taught to her mind.

If I were you, I would back way off. I wouldn’t even sit down with her and tell her about this “new” strategy. I would simply smile and say, “Hi, honey. Have a good day at school.”

I would allow her to make as many decisions as possible by herself. e.g., Why are you helping her choose high school classes? Let HER do it. Tell her that this is HER responsibility, and you will honor whatever she chooses. Advise her to pick classes that will help her to become a well-rounded and well-educated person. And then drop it.

Don’t nag at her about anything. Just leave her alone and allow her to explore.

If there are certain house rules that apply to everyone in the house, then enforce those. But don’t make up a huge list of new house rules just for her. Only enforce the rules that have always been your house rules.

And don’t worry about the phone habits. Every teenager and many adults in the U.S. is glued to their cell phone. It’s not worth making a fuss about, even if she’s exploring “sites that aren’t good for her.” Big deal In the past, kids read “novels that weren’t good for us.” We survived. It’s just reading.

SAVE any “battles” for those behaviors that are life-threatening. E.g., march into HELL to save her from drugs! Move to a different state to get her away from gangs.

But don’t even bother to fight about cell phones, computers, makeup, music, hair styles, language (unless it is insulting to God), silences, pouts, drama, dating, friends, classes, etc.

And make sure that she is taking charge of as much of her life as possible. She should be looking for a job, or earning money for any entertainment through doing home chores, paying for her own recreation, clothing, etc. Choosing her own friends. Choosing her own hours. Getting herself up for school. etc. Don’t treat her like a baby or a small child.

But don’t gloat when you make her responsible, and she blows it. Just help her to start over. (E.g., if she oversleeps and is tardy for school–don’t drive her there, let her walk . But when she gets home, ask if there is anything you can do to help. e.g., help her choose a good alarm clock!)

But…tell her over and over again that you love her and believe in her and that you are proud of her. She may scoff and grunt and turn away. But she appreciates this in her heart, and it will keep her grounded.

In my family, I was rebellious and I clashed constantly with my mother. One day, we were arguing, and I yelled, “Why won’t you let me do anything!?!”

And she started crying and said, “Because I’m scared that you’re going away to the big university.”

That was the turning point. At that point, I realized that my mother wasn’t trying to ruin my life, but that she loved me. The tenderness did more than the screaming and arguing.

So tell your daughter that you love her over and over again. Send her little cards, or text her. (Don’t be excessive, just be nice.)

I hope all this helps.

I would are with most of this, however if she is living at home and under the age of 18, you have some say about her use of technology. Does she pay for her phone? Did you give her the ipod? What about computer sites? You can limit her use of the computer if she is going to be rude and inappropriate. I wouldn’t get into a battle with her. Just state your case calmly. If she argues, let her know that it is her choice. Then follow through with you plan if she doesn’t meet expectations. We do not do our teens favors by giving them a “pass” for rude or self-destructive behavior. The “real” world doesn’t give us a pass. We have to live with the consequences of our behavior.

 

[nana3]

I would are with most of this, however if she is living at home and under the age of 18, you have some say about her use of technology. Does she pay for her phone? Did you give her the ipod? What about computer sites? You can limit her use of the computer if she is going to be rude and inappropriate. I wouldn’t get into a battle with her. Just state your case calmly. If she argues, let her know that it is her choice. Then follow through with you plan if she doesn’t meet expectations. We do not do our teens favors by giving them a “pass” for rude or self-destructive behavior. The “real” world doesn’t give us a pass. We have to live with the consequences of our behavior.

I agree with you bcuster. I know also that my dh can be and is most of the time as CAT said, “harsh” and yes this is pulling my dd away from him. I have talked to him many times. I do know he has some mental illness so that is one problem. He is also very stubborn. Yes, we do take away our dd IPod and cell if she is disrespectful. My dh tends to over do it though and this confuses her. I know she has no respect for him. The counselor we are seeing even sees that. He feels he doesn’t need to respect her, but she has to respect him. Thinking like this is why their relationship is awful. I do have limits on her computer usage and locked her out of internet usage after 10 p.m. which she thinks is wrong, but she won’t sleep if I do allow it. There are also parental restrictions on all her little toys. I have a sister who has two teens, a 16 and 13 year old and they have no restrictions at all. She doesn’t even know their password to any of the devices and as a result her son is into porno. I don’t know what my niece does online, but she is on a lot as well. She doesn’t believe in making them give her their password. But that is her and I am different. I need to know my dd won’t get into sites she doesn’t need to be in. She has before the restrictions, so she has been told that she needs to earn our trust. She is a good kid. Today, she came to me to tell me that Facebook informed her in an email that someone from Texas has hacked into her account and if it wasn’t her to let them know. It was not her. This person put “like” to a porn site. She was so angry and wondered what family or friends will say. I told her that she needed to do as FB people said and change her password. She did. My dh wanted her to get off FB period. I changed his mind. I have not had to check after her on FB in a long time. She is earning the trust again slowly but surely.

 

[SybilMolly]

I wanted her to do to a good Catholic adventure camp, but her self-esteem is so low that she did not want to stay in the same room to sleep with other girls. She likes her privacy. Those were the reasons she gave me. She was actually in panic when I told her was going, so I dropped it and left it up to her.

Hi. I’m exactly your daughter’s age, although that stage of my life actually happened to me when I was 12, and instead of not believing in God, I blamed Him for all my problems and just generally said things like ‘God hates me’. Plus the going to not-so-good websites, wanting to dress more immodestly (I thought I was emo), etc. befel my poor parents. I don’t know how they put up with me.

I might have missed something and this might’ve been said before but when I read that ^ part of your post a lightbulb just went off in my head. Your daughter does have low self esteem, and lot of people on the Internet (especially the people on sites she was frequenting, most likely) are not Catholic and do not agree with Church teachings. If she is entertaining the idea of going to public high school, she probably is feeling a bit insecure in her beliefs right now. I wish I knew her, but I don’t, so I’ll just tell you that being a teen is all about fitting in.

Plus, when you’re a teenager, you feel the strangest things at the strangest situations. Everyone says it but it is really true. Your parents are wrong because they don’t let you do what you want. Since they’re wrong and they’re Catholic being Catholic is not for you. So now you’re an atheist. That is really how it works some times. I had it in my head that I would be all tragic and goth and everyone would be sorry for not letting me skip math homework, doggone it!

I would say the best thing to do would be to keep on setting good limits while letting her know that you will always love her, and continue to take her to Mass no matter how much she doesn’t want to go, continue to pray before meals, and pick up that Rosary. I also think maybe you should take her to a religious education class or summer program, not an overnight stay—anything where she can be around kids her age who share her beliefs but won’t have to spend too much time with them. I’m not a very good parenting-advice giver but know a thing or two about being a daughter, and I want to congratulate you on raising her so that she feels she can say things to you like she wants to be an atheist or that she doesn’t like to go to Mass. Not many teens would even have the courage to say that, and you might not even have known something was the matter for a long time.

It sounds like your daughter is in need of prayer and family, and she appears to be getting both. I’ll be praying for her as well.

So last, just don’t give up hope; don’t be a pushover but don’t stop reaching out either. Good luck to you and your daughter and God Bless. : )