How to learn how to have sex?

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ilovemywife said:
I don’t want anyone to think that I am a better man than I am, so I should confess that I have looked at porn, but thankfully it has been so many years ago that I don’t remember a thing about it and it was never something that was an addiction. And unfortunately I didn’t wait for marriage, but I was no good back then either. Sorry to disappoint you about me but it wasn’t fair to misrepresent myself. I wish I could change both of those things. Maybe this is my penance…
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You are lucky that you watched in the past and never became addicted. You’re doing better than many men! I misread your first post–I thought you both were virgins. No matter–my good opinion of you still stands (not that it matters anyway). :o Don’t beat yourself up about past sins especially if they are confessed/forgiven.
 
One thing you mentioned is “we’ve been married for a while”. That means different things to different people. 6 months seems like a while to newly weds and not so much to those who have been married a while. As well, you are doing something you have not done for your entire life, it will take a few years to really get to know each other, what works and what doesn’t. One of the best descriptions I’ve heard about men and women re: the marital relationship is that men are like microwaves and women like crock pots. Men get ready in a second, women need to warm up for a while to get cookin’… Have fun, try a bunch of things that seem fun (and you both agree too) and enjoy yourselves.

As hard as it might seem, particularly when you are in the moment, relax and have fun.😃
 
Julia_Mae said:
No laughing here. First, try Amazon or the library. You’ll find lots of books about this because it’s a pretty common issue. I think it’s okay to watch whatever you want that is instructive, as long as you avoid sodomy and I doubt you are interested. But porn isn’t very instructive, no subtlety.

Guys learn to put off the moment by thinking of other things very often - or just stopping and telling their partner to stop - take a breath, think about football… it takes practice.

But seriously, don’t just google this or you’ll end up with a bunch of bizarre results, but go to Amazon or Barnes and Noble and search for sex self help. There are going to be some books aimed just at women understanding their own sexual response. Read them together.

Also, if you see something on TV or in a movie or read in a book one of your finds stimulating, tell each other about that! Give it a try. Have fun with this.
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No, OP, please be cautious with these kinds of books/TV/movies. Most of the books get into the porn category and movies and TV are usually close. We Catholics need to be circumspect, very cautious, and suspicious of the culture’s influences.

I believe you should just keep trying, experimenting, and being open with each other. If you find it difficult to talk about, or ask what feels good, it’s going to be that much more challenging, but still. Watch what her reactions are when you try something new. And if she tries something new that you like, let her know.

It takes time, lots of it.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
No, OP, please be cautious with these kinds of books/TV/movies. Most of the books get into the porn category and movies and TV are usually close. We Catholics need to be circumspect, very cautious, and suspicious of the culture’s influences.

I believe you should just keep trying, experimenting, and being open with each other. If you find it difficult to talk about, or ask what feels good, it’s going to be that much more challenging, but still. Watch what her reactions are when you try something new. And if she tries something new that you like, let her know.

It takes time, lots of it.
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But that is the thing! I don’t know anything new to try. Women need to come with user manuals!

And to the other poster, a while, in this instance is somewhere between 5&10 years… And yes, we have kids. See why this is so embarassing??
 
GraceUnderFire said:
Can you tell us where in Church doctrine or Theology of the Body this is allowed? Sounds like very bad advice.
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Can you show me a place it’s disallowed for a husband and wife? There are lots of sexy movies that aren’t “porn” and lots of instructional videos about sex that can be had online and from the library. A lot of couples like porn - not the ugly stuff - and they have fun watching., It’s not very instructive though. They can do what they like as far as I know.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
No, OP, please be cautious with these kinds of books/TV/movies. Most of the books get into the porn category and movies and TV are usually close. We Catholics need to be circumspect, very cautious, and suspicious of the culture’s influences.
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Oh for goodness sake! The last thing this couple needs is to be “circumspect and cautious” about their sex lives from the sound of things. You know, I was thinking about a TV show called “Sherlock” where something happened that was pretty much PG rated but would have been nice to try with my husband and lead to fun times. If you don’t know what you like, look for some ideas.
 
ilovemywife said:
But that is the thing! I don’t know anything new to try. Women need to come with user manuals!

And to the other poster, a while, in this instance is somewhere between 5&10 years… And yes, we have kids. See why this is so embarassing??
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OP, you would be wise to use caution when reading some posters’ suggestions for you. There are some who don’t truly support Church teaching and who would lead you astray. Porn in 2D is still porn.
 
ilovemywife said:
we have no desire to do anything to learn that would compromise our faith, so how do we learn what you are doing without seeing or reading or watching things that we shouldn’t?
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As a starting point, Wikipedia might have some of the kind of information you’re looking for, and it’s written kind of science-y so it is probably okay to read without compromising your morals.

Also if you have an iPhone or iPad check out the App store. Apple won’t release apps that are TOO too bad. I used to have an app of sex positions but instead of illustrations it was random dot austereograms (better known as Magic Eye). I can’t remember the name of it though. Anyway I think those Magic Eye things are cool and the pictures are pretty hard to see, and they are just sillhouettes when you do see them so I don’t think that would be immoral.
 
samiam1611 said:
As a starting point, Wikipedia might have some of the kind of information you’re looking for, and it’s written kind of science-y so it is probably okay to read without compromising your morals.
Also if you have an iPhone or iPad check out the App store. Apple won’t release apps that are TOO too bad.
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Be careful, however, wikipedia LOVES dropping sex pictures and stuff in front of you so just tread lightly.
 
As I referred to earlier, there are online sites where sexual positions are described in detail and have cartoon illustrations (some even use stick figures). These are not pornographic IMO and I see no issue in a married couple making use of them.

On the other hand, books or sites that use real people in illustrations are problematic…they would seemingly be considered pornographic in nature according to the CCC as “simulated sexual acts”.

Yes, one needs to tread carefully, but I do think there are resources that can be licitly used.
 
Julia_Mae said:
Here, check these out.
amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=couples+sex+help
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Those books are not good at all…they are extremely secular and could easily lead this couple into sin by the looks. They may also encourage oral sex which is an absolute no-no in the catholic church obviously. I think it would be wise for the original poster to listen to the advice of everyone on here who has said Practice, and also Pray about it too 🙂
 
That’s what I’m talking about. 😃

Can I skip to the good parts?
 
Okay, here is a suggestion. Try triangular breathing. Breath in. Hold it. Let it out.

People say 30 seconds for each leg of the triangle. Helps to calm one down. Thinking about other things tends to take the enjoyment out of things.

It’s your obligation to tell her what you’d like to try. It’s her obligation to tell you what she wants. Talk about this with each other.

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Porn will teach you nothing, except maybe that women have multiple orgasms if you even go near them, which is far from the truth. 1.) Foreplay, obviously. If you jump right into sex then you are bound to be ready before she is. 2.) What about having a session where you each focus on yourselves for a few minutes and see what you like? I mean, as far as I know, touching yourself during sex with your spouse is not considered masturbation, so it might help you both to figure out what feels best for you, and your spouse can watch and “take notes”, so to speak. Of course, this would need to culminate in a completed act of sex between the two of you. 3.) Have your spouse guide your hands and show you what feels best that way. 4.) Befriend the clitoris 🙂

I also agree with reading books on it, but also just relax and have fun with each other. If you go into it like you’re on a mission to hit all the right buttons in the right sequence, it can come across like you’re doing a job, not trying to connect with your spouse as a person.
 
but it is hard for me not to go into it without trying so hard to feel something awesome … I guess I need to relax more. I need a manual for myself! haha!
 
Like others have said in the past, practice and communicate. Also for many women it is much harder to reach orgasm than a man. There have been studies done that show that 70% of women cannot orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. Most need other sorts of stimulation (manual or oral). These other sorts of stimulation are fine as long as they are in a completed marital act. You may need to do this stimulation before, during, or after the act to ensure that your wife is satisfied. Simultaneous orgasm is rare and it hasn’t happened for my husband and I at all as of yet and we have been married 3 1/2 years.
 
For a good Catholic resource I highly recommend “Holy Sex” by Greg Popcak. It doesn’t get into a whole lot of the mechanics but it’s a good read nonetheless. It will help with basic relationship issues, communication, expectations, common issues, etc. Other than that, I agree that communication is key, especially on your wife’s part. I know that sometimes when I want to try something new I can be a bit hesitant to bring it up with my husband just because I feel a little silly or embarrassed to want to try it (mind you, he never gives me reason to feel silly or embarrassed, it’s all in my head). She needs to be willing to share her desires with you and to be able to express whether or not they are working while you are being intimate. And you need to be in tune with her non verbal cues. As for not knowing what to try, use your imagination and just explore. Try whatever you can come up with, even if it seems really silly. Try not to be so bent on having the perfect experience that you can’t have fun or laugh during it. One last suggestion is to just try pampering her for a night (bubble bath, massage, etc) with no expectations of it leading to sex. Sometimes that stuff can be just as intimate for the woman.
 
Search Amazon for Holy Sex by Gregory Popcak, PhD…he is Catholic and well known.
 
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