How to learn to be silent and let go

[Suscipe5]

I’m a 29 year-old male, and I’ve been on a journey of sorts.

I’ve had deep, profound times in my faith. Other times, I am filled with petitions. Other times, I am too ashamed to pray. Now is one of those times.

Here’s my story:

I’m single, and I’ve dated girls in chaste relationships. I also have SSA with certain aspects of the same sex. It’s a issue that depresses me much. I’ve had emotional affairs with members of the same sex via email and text, and I feel bad. Yet, I had no one else to talk to at those times, and gave in.

Now I’m in counseling with a good counselor who is also Catholic. I told him my dilemma of feeling lonely, left-out, invisible and unhappy.

He told me I need to know what I want and to try to see if there was a way to find out what it is. He recommended for me to attend talks at a local LGBQT center.

I am on a dating website, and switched my status to “bi-sexual” to see what would happen.

I found myself wanting to go out with another bi-sexual girl who I found beautiful, smart and friendly in her messages. The guys that I noticed were people that I had no sexual interest in at all. They were similar to me, and I’ve longed for real male friendships with guys that are similar to me (I’m not a typical drunken frat boy-football fan). Friendships that are true and uplifting and make you feel that you are a worthy person.

I have never wanted to be physical with a member of the same-sex-not even hugs-my loneliness and depression keep clouding this, plus memories of past scandals.

I want to bring this to God, but I feel so…unworthy, ashamed, weird and unable to be quiet.

I spoke to a priest before about this who said more guys than I realize have spoken to him with the same issues, albeit earlier in life.

How do release such a dilemma unto the Lord? Am I doomed to a life of lonely depression?
How does one learn to be quiet and allow God to speak?
Do you think He’s speaking to me know?
Or, am I preventing Him from getting a word in-edgewise?

 

[St_Francis]

You say that you have never wanted to be physical with a member of the same sex… what do you mean? Are you simply craving good solid male friends? Because SSA is being attracted to the same sex in a sexual way.

 

[Suscipe5]

Never had the desire to actually be physical and intimate with a member of the same sex. However, I will admit I get SSA feelings of arousal.

Maybe I shouldn’t have brought up my SSA. However, it’s coming into play with my spirituality.
I want to adjust both.

And yes, I’m craving solid male friends. I’ve always wanted to be “one of the guys” to the point that it’s culminating in 22 years’-worth of pain and longing.

Have I shunned God in all of this longing?

 

[LPS]

It seems to me you are sorting through very confusing feelings and are beginning to make sense of it all - I really think you’ve come farther than you realize.

You know, now, that your feelings for other men aren’t sexual; you want friendships and solid male relationships. In my mind, the next step would be pursing that. What are you interested in? If you enjoy kung fu or playing pool or Bible study … whatever you truly enjoy … become more active in those activities and meet other men who also enjoy them. Friendships will grow from shared interests!

I am sorry you are left feeling so unworthy and ashamed. I wouldn’t really try to be quiet at this point - I would be pouring out my feelings, voicing my confusion, begging God to guide me and to lead me. I truly believe there is a place for that as well as for being quiet! (Remember Jacob wrestled with God!) The quiet will come when you’ve emptied yourself out. God already knows; He isn’t going to be upset at you for yelling or sobbing or ranting or talking 'round in circles - I have done those all and when I’ve run out of words, then the quiet comes and His embrace is felt.

At this point, don’t worry too much about whether you are “allowing” Him to get a word in edgewise. He knows your sincerity in wanting to hear Him and if there’s something He really wants you to hear NOW, He will make sure you hear it. I often pray that He makes thinks obvious because I can be so obtuse. And guess what? He does make it obvious; He knows my many weaknesses

Don’t be too hard on yourself - keep knocking, keep seeking, and trust that He will answer you in His way and in His time. I do believe He has already answered you in some ways, but sometimes it takes a while for us to see it and to understand

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’m a 29 year-old male, and I’ve been on a journey of sorts.

I’ve had deep, profound times in my faith. Other times, I am filled with petitions. Other times, I am too ashamed to pray. Now is one of those times.

Here’s my story:

I’m single, and I’ve dated girls in chaste relationships. I also have SSA with certain aspects of the same sex. It’s a issue that depresses me much. I’ve had emotional affairs with members of the same sex via email and text, and I feel bad. Yet, I had no one else to talk to at those times, and gave in.

Now I’m in counseling with a good counselor who is also Catholic. I told him my dilemma of feeling lonely, left-out, invisible and unhappy.

He told me I need to know what I want and to try to see if there was a way to find out what it is. He recommended for me to attend talks at a local LGBQT center.

I am on a dating website, and switched my status to “bi-sexual” to see what would happen.

I found myself wanting to go out with another bi-sexual girl who I found beautiful, smart and friendly in her messages. The guys that I noticed were people that I had no sexual interest in at all. They were similar to me, and I’ve longed for real male friendships with guys that are similar to me (I’m not a typical drunken frat boy-football fan). Friendships that are true and uplifting and make you feel that you are a worthy person.

I have never wanted to be physical with a member of the same-sex-not even hugs-my loneliness and depression keep clouding this, plus memories of past scandals.

I want to bring this to God, but I feel so…unworthy, ashamed, weird and unable to be quiet.

I spoke to a priest before about this who said more guys than I realize have spoken to him with the same issues, albeit earlier in life.

How do release such a dilemma unto the Lord? Am I doomed to a life of lonely depression?
How does one learn to be quiet and allow God to speak?
Do you think He’s speaking to me know?
Or, am I preventing Him from getting a word in-edgewise?

I’m wondering if you have some kind of mental disorder that is giving you false perceptions on how you really feel about SSA.

It doesn’t sound like you’re too crazy about a romantic relationship with a guy. The gay folks I know really don’t second guess who they are once they come to terms to with it, and I suspect that even bisexual folks have a more or less even-handed about attraction to both sexes.

Perhaps there is some neurological issue that is making you more sensitive to friendship. If you were seeing a counselor and not a psychiatric person, they could have missed that, especially if you have some like Asperger’s.

I would advise you to look into this if you haven’t already.

Also, I would not consider talking with a good guy friend about issues to be an emotional affair. My understanding is an emotional affair almost requires you to be married to a woman and getting attached to another woman while ignoring your wife.

I just get the impression that you’re blowing this out of context.

 

[Suscipe5]

I’m wondering if you have some kind of mental disorder that is giving you false perceptions on how you really feel about SSA.

It doesn’t sound like you’re too crazy about a romantic relationship with a guy. The gay folks I know really don’t second guess who they are once they come to terms to with it, and I suspect that even bisexual folks have a more or less even-handed about attraction to both sexes.

Perhaps there is some neurological issue that is making you more sensitive to friendship. If you were seeing a counselor and not a psychiatric person, they could have missed that, especially if you have some like Asperger’s.

I would advise you to look into this if you haven’t already.

Also, I would not consider talking with a good guy friend about issues to be an emotional affair. My understanding is an emotional affair almost requires you to be married to a woman and getting attached to another woman while ignoring your wife.

I just get the impression that you’re blowing this out of context.

SuperLuigi…I do have some neurological issues, but not Asperger’s. I’ve been tested and evaluated. Perhaps you could message me privately if you’re really interested in my medical history.

As for my past, I’ve talked to homosexual guys, and they’ve talked to me in unnatural ways. I won’t get into the conversations, but I wasn’t turned on by it.

Could my longing have been warped into a misled SSA? I don’t know. The problem with my counselor is that he comes from the standard school of psychological training that if something makes a patient feel better, he should look into it. He did recommend I check out rather-liberal Catholic parish, as there are members from all walks of life there and a judging mentality doesn’t exist.

My counselor knows my religion and my level of involvement in it. I can see he’s trying to tread carefully, and I may take up his advice on going to a talk on bi-sexuality at the local LGBQT center. I’m not going for conversion; just education.

I’ve only had a “best friend” as a guy once. At one point, we had an argument and didn’t speak for almost 2 years. I hurt a lot inside. I fell into a deep depression and let my SSA feeling come alive. We talk now, but he has lost my trust. I haven’t had a “best friend” since - of any gender.

 

[Suscipe5]

It seems to me you are sorting through very confusing feelings and are beginning to make sense of it all - I really think you’ve come farther than you realize.

You know, now, that your feelings for other men aren’t sexual; you want friendships and solid male relationships. In my mind, the next step would be pursing that. What are you interested in? If you enjoy kung fu or playing pool or Bible study … whatever you truly enjoy … become more active in those activities and meet other men who also enjoy them. Friendships will grow from shared interests!

I am sorry you are left feeling so unworthy and ashamed. I wouldn’t really try to be quiet at this point - I would be pouring out my feelings, voicing my confusion, begging God to guide me and to lead me. I truly believe there is a place for that as well as for being quiet! (Remember Jacob wrestled with God!) The quiet will come when you’ve emptied yourself out. God already knows; He isn’t going to be upset at you for yelling or sobbing or ranting or talking 'round in circles - I have done those all and when I’ve run out of words, then the quiet comes and His embrace is felt.

At this point, don’t worry too much about whether you are “allowing” Him to get a word in edgewise. He knows your sincerity in wanting to hear Him and if there’s something He really wants you to hear NOW, He will make sure you hear it. I often pray that He makes thinks obvious because I can be so obtuse. And guess what? He does make it obvious; He knows my many weaknesses

Don’t be too hard on yourself - keep knocking, keep seeking, and trust that He will answer you in His way and in His time. I do believe He has already answered you in some ways, but sometimes it takes a while for us to see it and to understand

LPS - I have always been hard on myself. Even currently, when I can’t seem to click with other guys that may seem similar to me, I get depressed. I seem to have put finding a girlfriend on the backburner; I just feel too shy and lowly to entertain a girl.

I feel that I’m approaching God in the wrong ways. It’s endless petition. My days and prayers are so similar that I forget what day it is sometimes.

I sometimes wonder if I am truly sincere at all. St. Ignatius advised that some prayer is better than no prayer, but I worry of offending Him or becoming insincere.

 

[LPS]

I may take up his advice on going to a talk on bi-sexuality at the local LGBQT center. I’m not going for conversion; just education.

I would give a strong caution on this. I honestly think that sometimes we try to be so open-minded and learn everything we can, that we open ourselves up to things we shouldn’t and end up confusing ourselves.

My mom was a strong Catholic. When she & my dad had marital problems, she went to a marriage counselor who was not Catholic. In short, the guidance my mom received led her to eventually leave my dad. To this day I wonder if things would have turned out differently if she had seen a Catholic counselor who understood Catholic teaching, who had encouraged her to take advantage of the sacraments and the wonderful tools our Church gives to us.

Non-Catholics really don’t understand what we profess, and sometimes we don’t either. That’s why I would strongly recommend you find a Catholic counselor to help you with this.

I truly do understand the longing to have a close friend; I have always felt like an outsider and have never felt like I had a “best friend” I could count on. But I’ve come to appreciate solitude and to look for anything I lack, within my relationship with God. A personal relationship really is possible and you will never find a love like His.

Hang in there, brother :grouphug:

 

[Suscipe5]

I would give a strong caution on this. I honestly think that sometimes we try to be so open-minded and learn everything we can, that we open ourselves up to things we shouldn’t and end up confusing ourselves.

My mom was a strong Catholic. When she & my dad had marital problems, she went to a marriage counselor who was not Catholic. In short, the guidance my mom received led her to eventually leave my dad. To this day I wonder if things would have turned out differently if she had seen a Catholic counselor who understood Catholic teaching, who had encouraged her to take advantage of the sacraments and the wonderful tools our Church gives to us.

Non-Catholics really don’t understand what we profess, and sometimes we don’t either. That’s why I would strongly recommend you find a Catholic counselor to help you with this.

I truly do understand the longing to have a close friend; I have always felt like an outsider and have never felt like I had a “best friend” I could count on. But I’ve come to appreciate solitude and to look for anything I lack, within my relationship with God. A personal relationship really is possible and you will never find a love like His.

Hang in there, brother :grouphug:

Thank you LPS. The counselor is Catholic…he told me he was involved at the liberal parish he recommended and that’s where he met his wife.

The bothersome thing is that many counselors have to tread carefully. He’s probably the best counselor I’ve had so far. I went to a Catholic counseling agency before, and had a questionable counselor who was openly homosexual and thus I didn’t feel comfortable telling him about certain things.

Solitude may work for some. I wish it did for me. I feel only worse when I’m alone. I’ve been alone for so long that it’s painful.