Dear OP,
I know it doesn’t feel like this right now, but your deep sorrow and regret is a fabulous opportunity for union with God. It is when we are most dejected and feel least worthy that he wants us to throw ourselves on him. Many people have had the same
feelings that you’ve had, just over different circumstances and different sins in many cases.
Most adults with enough of a “past,” have some serious regrets about one or more actions, which similarly could have had a snowball effect on others and on themselves. That moment when we first realize the depth and breadth of those consequences – the moment you’re experiencing – is very painful, and often lasts far more than a moment. When we have only our shame to give to Christ, that’s what we should give. The point is not to make your regret an occasion for despair. He will transform your shame and make it redemptive.
You are on the right track because you can share your feelings. Lots of people separate their deepest feelings from their prayer, but feelings, when directed toward God, are avenues toward grace, and not fully sharing feelings with God short-circuits some of that grace. So bring tears to him as well. (Remember those gospel women who brought their tears to him? He was moved and was impelled to treat them with dignity and
remove their shame.)
As far as “bashing you for what you’ve done,” wow – that would be way out of line. I doubt most people are in a position to do that, least of all myself.
When experiencing what you’re feeling, it feels as if no one could be as bad a sinner. You’re not “the worst,” but that feeling is a grace.
Say those things in confession that you’ve said here, and bring it all to Jesus. Here’s one wonderful way to start your own personal penance even before then (or after then). I’ll give you an example from my life: Several years ago a friend/ex-friend (now) did something really bad to me. It included slander and rash judgment and calumny, and caused me unjustly to lose my job and my reputation in a parish. Her actions had far-reaching effects. I haven’t seen her or spoken to her since then, but since I have reason to believe that she now realizes how inaccurate and dishonest her judgments were, I’ve also had an intuitive feeling that she prayed for me as a penance, and that those prayers brought me to the (much better, far more fulfilling) job I have now.
So begin immediately praying, in heartfelt sorrow, for the family that you’ve wronged, God will absolutely hear the prayers of a humble and repentant heart.
As to monetarily “paying her back,” I would leave that in God’s hands, and pray for that as well. You can’t do anything to identify yourself or cause her grief, and you don’t have a direct line to her or his checking account. God will find ways to engineer other sources for financial repayment of them, if that’s “in the cards.” (In my example, the loss of income I suffered in losing the job was made up for in the much-better-paying replacement job that I believe resulted from the prayers of the person who wronged me.)
God bless you,
E.
…Which is something I will be changing.