How to let go of all my anger and hatred towards my own father?

[c_h]

I’ve always had anxiety since I was a little girl. I was an overweight kid. I remember being bullied by my own family because I ate a lot. Despite that, my love for my mom remains strong. I also forgave my brothers because they were just kids too and immature.

But my father is a different story. He’d say the meanest things and every time he’d say those things to me, he’d make this face that tells me that he’s disappointed and emabrrased of me. He’s not always like that, but most of the time he was. In 6th grade, I started getting bullied. One day, I stopped going to school. I didn’t explain why but I know that my parents knew. My father got so mad, he cut all my hair short. My mon didn’t do anything. It left a deep scar on my heart. I was just a broken little kid who needed their parents to save her, but instead, they put me in so much more pain. Since then, I became a different person. I was full of anger and hatred. I started smoking at the age of 14. I was intentionally failing my exams. It stopped when I went to college but my anxiety got worse. I felt disconnected from everyone. I started getting depressed and I ended up dropping out. My father’s mean words didn’t stop until a year or two ago.

Now, I’m 26. Worthless & weak. When I think about everything that has happened, I can’t help but blame him. But, I realize, what’s the point? My father has now retired. He’s mad that I don’t visit. I actually haven’t talked to him in a year. Recently, I started getting close to God. And I realize how important my mother is to me. And how I appreciate everything she’s done, even though, sometimes I wish she has done more.

I’m so mad at my father. Sometimes, I feel bad and guilty. But most of the time, I hate him, I blame him. Two years ago, I felt like it’s too late for me. But since I started getting close to God, I started thinking maybe it’s not too late. Now, I’m planning to go back to College. Is it also the right time to forgive and come back home? How do I forgive?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I would suggest that you perhaps find a good therapist or counselor who can give you some detailed advice based on your specific situation, about how best to deal with your father and the events of the past.

You can also pray to God for yourself, to give you the power to forgive your father and let go of this situation, and also pray for your father (and your mother too).

 

[Timeflies2me]

Forgiving is not having envy or hatred towards a person. Seems of reason to give your father the blame, but doesn’t mean that should let you be stopped. Sit down with him and let him know how you felt this entire time, if he truely wants to see your effort of reaching out and forgiving him, then he is bound to at least sit and talk about it. I don’t have alot of context to say, but we shouldnt keep hatred within us. Trust me, I dropped out of college too because I was depressed. But deep down I knew I couldove done it, I just was lost and depressed. We have different scenarios, but forgiving doesnt mean you have to put a smile everytime you see your dad, more or less its about not having such anger or hatred towards people. Christ died, but he didnt envy anyone that hated or was rebuking him, he told God to forgive them. May we do the same. Hope this kind of helped.

Also as stated above, therapy helps also. Having a proffesional hear you out and give some food for thought is great progress. Keep your faith. Took me a while to find my longing for hunger to have faith in the Lord. Keep your priorities with you, your important to God and follow what you think is best for you and the Almighty will help you with time and hardwork.

 

[TheOldColonel]

Keep your priorities in good order. You come first. Going to college will be the best way to improve your life. I’d be very cautious about your father. Why would you have any reason to think his toxic bevavior would not start again? If you want to be successful in life, you must be strong enough to break toxic ties even if it hurts for a while. If you’re father wants reconciliation, put that burden on him, not you. But, it sounds like he has much for which to atone.

 

[RandomAlias]

I would advise against moving back home. This shifts the balance of power in his favor and may make you vulnerable once again to his abuse.

I concur with @Tis_Bearself that a good therapist or counselor could help you to understand your situation and your relationship with your father, and help you to find healing and peace.

I also concur with @TheOldColonel that living independently and getting a good education are key. You don’t have to live with your father in order to reconcile with him. In fact, it may work better if there is a little distance between you, emotionally, financially, and physically. You can visit as often or as little as you like.

This I pray: May the Holy Spirit assist and guide you in your difficulties, help you to live well, and help you to continue growing in faith, hope, and love always.

 

[Francis]

Hi @c_h am sorry you have been through a lot of pain/hurts and wounds in your heart, It is said to err is human and to forgive is Divine,it’s impossible, if your trying to forgive all by yourself .As Jesus forgave your sins, innumerable times and He is still forgiving you, with out any conditions or limitations ,you also must forgive the same, as He gave us an example in Lk 23:34, by asking Jesus to give you the Grace to forgive your father and others, right from your childhood till this day,why don’t you sit before the Blessed Sacrament and surrender and offer up everything in the hands of Jesus,whatever happened to you in your life, like Mother Mary did it in Lk 1:38,i suggest you make a list of people who have hurt you and another list of people whom you have hurt and pray the forgiveness prayer each day or before you sleep make an examination of conscious and an act of contrition,till you find peace in you heart.you must also understand that your Father also could have had gone through a lot in is childhood/job/ or might not have received love from either of his parents, we never know,so forgive him,i can understand, it will be very difficult to forgive but Jesus always see the heart and the effort and the attempt or the first step you make ,the rest will be taken care of by Jesus ,the very fact your posted is a positive attitude you have decided which is inspired by Jesus to forgive,who wants to heal you.

It is said in Psalm 27:10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me up.God love you just as you are and your precious in his eyes. as in **Isaiah 43:4 Because you are precious in my eyes,and honored, and I love you,I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Jesus desires that you forgive in Matthew 6:15 but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. innumerable times each of them who have hurt you we have to forgive.As in the Book of Job only then Job was blessed when he said the forgiveness prayer as in Job 42:10 And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends; and the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.so never give up Philippians 4:13 I can do all things in him who strengthens me you can do it by His Grace to forgive as well as complete you studies in college.also as Joseph forgave his Brother in Genesis chapter 44 and 45 it will be nice, if you can read it.

Romans 12:18-21 If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 No, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Finally it try to attend a closed retreat or Adoration (Holy Hour) / Inner Healing Prayer service and Confession at you Parish or College later on your family too can attend God Willing.Try to find a pious Catholic Priest as your spiritual adviser in the long run ,pray for that too.God Bless

 

[c_h]

Thank you, everyone. It’s hard to forgive. There will always be pain in my heart whenever I think about the past. But I love my parents, despite all our arguments and fights. I may not talk to them for years but my heart will never stop loving them and my mind will never stop thinking about them. God bless you all.

 

[Demetra]

Dear One, I am so sorry that you were bullied in middle school and that your father took part in that bullying. You didn’t deserve that. But you are not weak and worthless! No! Never say that to yourself again. You are a precious daughter of God. Jesus would have died on the cross just for you! The best way to feel better about your father is to forgive him. This does not mean that you approve of his actions. Talk to your priest and go to confession this week. You will feel so much better. Start going to Mass every Sunday. Pray! God loves you just as you are in this moment and wants to help you be the best version of yourself. Just ask Him for guidance. he is there for you always! God bless.

 

[anna]

I also had a father who I hated and could not forgive because of actions. He was both physically and verbally abusive to my brother and me. I could never understand how a parent, someone who is suppose to care for you could behave like that. I know what it does when you are left with emotional scars and painful scars…After not seeing my father for over 10 years I finally found the courage to go see him and ask him WHY… His answer to me was that he would have to answer to God for what he did and that he was sorry, I felt no more hate. My reason for telling you this is because you sound like you really want to go back home, but at the same time you say you hate him. You are not worthless nor weak, you are a child of God and His strength dwells within you.Try talking with your mom and father or talk to him separate and let him know what has come out as a result of his actions. Always remember you are never alone…The people here are your friends and will be there for you. God bless you.

 

[sayerofthelaw]

Let me echo the recommendation to find a good therapist to work through your trauma with. It’s absolutely invaluable to be able to unpack the kinds of things you’re talking about with someone who can help you put it into perspective and work on ways to heal the old wounds. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.

As someone who went through similar with my own parents, I urge you to focus on moving forward in your own life now. If your father is mad that you don’t visit, let him reap what he sowed and realize that you are no longer required to respond to his anger in any way. Ignore it. If he wants something more, then let him take that step himself. Don’t enable his bad behavior, it will only be worse for both of you. If you want to keep in contact with your mother, do so but don’t allow yourself to be sucked into codependency or be emotionally guilted into having a relationship with your father if you don’t want to.

Build a support network for yourself that doesn’t include that kind of negativity. Focus on your college experience and make the most of it so that you can support yourself and have a good life. You are not weak or worthless, not at all. You are worthwhile and you can do this. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, make you feel like you can’t.

 

[Rozellelily]

It really breaks my heart to hear your story.
I wish I had some good advice but all I can really say is that I do relate somewhat but nowhere near to the degree that you have experienced.
I come from a Slavic European family so unfortunately my parents have quite a big focus on looks.
There’s never a time that I visit them that the day goes by without any comment about looks/external appearances.
Comments such as Eg:“doesn’t your father look so much better with his hair dyed (not grey)”,“we (my parents) look the youngest out of all our friends”,"Teta (Aunty) “xyz looks so wrinkly”,inadvertent comments of my weight versus my sisters,etc…
In my parents case,the comments are not intentionally hurtful but simply bluntness or insensitivity and placing excessive focus and value on external appearances.

Our parents viewpoints are often formed by their culture and they often keep following that through instead of changing conventions.
Im guessing that maybe you are of Asian background or European too?
For example,in my culture being overweight means that you should automatically loath yourself/loath it and be striving to lose weight.
There is none of the “big and loving yourself” mentality that exists and is accepted in countries such as USA.
We also don’t have the nice or “political correct” words that are used in US to refer to “large people” such as “overweight”.
The word that is used is debela/debao which means simply fat.
IOW:a person is not referred to as being overweight but instead bluntly as being fat.
I think it may be similar situation in Asia?

It’s very hurtful what your father said and did but perhaps your father has been influenced by deeply ingrained cultural notions of beauty?
In some Asian countries there’s a very strong “anti fat mentality”.
Also sometimes when parents have grown up in environments where there is food shortage it can cause them to have “interesting” relationships regarding food.
Do you know whether your father had any issues with poverty or food shortages when he was a child?
Perhaps if he did,then could this have caused him to have misperception that you eating a lot equalled a lack of self control?

In my parents case they grew up without much food and hungry so for them personally it has now manifested in causing them to become “feeders” and if we (their children) or other guest refuses food then it’s pretty much like an insult.
Parents experiences with food and poverty in their childhood can strongly influence how they become as parents.

 

[c_h]

It really breaks my heart to hear your story.

I wish I had some good advice but all I can really say is that I do relate somewhat but nowhere near to the degree that you have experienced.

I come from a Slavic European family so unfortunately my parents have quite a big focus on looks.

There’s never a time that I visit them that the day goes by without any comment about looks/external appearances.

Comments such as Eg:“doesn’t your father look so much better with his hair dyed (not grey)”,“we (my parents) look the youngest out of all our friends”,"Teta (Aunty) “xyz looks so wrinkly”,inadvertent comments of my weight versus my sisters,etc…

In my parents case,the comments are not intentionally hurtful but simply bluntness or insensitivity and placing excessive focus and value on external appearances.

Our parents viewpoints are often formed by their culture and they often keep following that through instead of changing conventions.

Im guessing that maybe you are of Asian background or European too?

For example,in my culture being overweight means that you should automatically loath yourself/loath it and be striving to lose weight.

There is none of the “big and loving yourself” mentality that exists and is accepted in countries such as USA.

We also don’t have the nice or “political correct” words that are used in US to refer to “large people” such as “overweight”.

The word that is used is debela/debao which means simply fat.

IOW:a person is not referred to as being overweight but instead bluntly as being fat.

I think it may be similar situation in Asia?

It’s very hurtful what your father said and did but perhaps your father has been influenced by deeply ingrained cultural notions of beauty?

In some Asian countries there’s a very strong “anti fat mentality”.

Also sometimes when parents have grown up in environments where there is food shortage it can cause them to have “interesting” relationships regarding food.

Do you know whether your father had any issues with poverty or food shortages when he was a child?

Perhaps if he did,then could this have caused him to have misperception that you eating a lot equalled a lack of self control?

In my parents case they grew up without much food and hungry so for them personally it has now manifested in causing them to become “feeders” and if we (their children) or other guest refuses food then it’s pretty much like an insult.

Parents experiences with food and poverty in their childhood can strongly influence how they become as parents.

Hello. Thank you for your reply. I am from Southeast Asia. Being fat is a pretty big deal here if you’re a girl. My father used to say that he got bullied too, when he was a little kid. He would tell me that, he also got depressed (depression for him is just extreme sadness not mental health) but he got through it without any help, considering, he grew up in a poor family and had to work and study at the same time. So, basically, he expected me to be as strong as he was. He thought, hurting me would make me strong, but it didn’t. It ruined my life.

 

[AdamP88]

I think it’s important to note that your feelings in this regard are not unfounded. I had issues with my father as well. We haven’t spoken really since he didn’t turn up for my wedding in 2016.

You can let go of your anger and resentment, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t still be justifiably angry at the way you were treated.

 

[Rozellelily]

It sounds to me like your dad maybe saw his own circumstances as a child in your circumstances and then had a misguided belief that by hurting you would somehow protect you and “toughen you” and give you fortitude against bullies at school.
Obviously his reasoning was wrong as kids at this age can be sensitive and impressionable and need to feel that their parents are “in their corner” against bullies and not punishing them or minimalising the situation or “going along” with the bullies.
Your father didn’t want to see this situation happen to you so he (ironically) punished you for it!

Your definitely not worthless and weak-I think you display great courage.
Do you think your father really was strong or was it just rather that he put on a brace face and denied his feelings?

Your feeling are justified,but sometimes it can help us to forgive someone when we understand why they acted the way they acted.