How to let go of hate and forgive those that have wronged us

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Gabby_96

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A few months ago I met a guy who I truly felt a connection with. He said that he really liked me a lot and more than a friend. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said he did not and he kissed me.

As weeks went by I began to develop stronger feelings for him, however, he seemed to become more and more distant. We still spoke and saw each other at church but after a while, I felt that something was off. I confronted him one day and asked him what had happened and he said that he really liked me but could not date me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I accepted this and began to distance myself even more. After this I noticed that he began to flirt with other girls from the same group. This angered me a lot but I tried to let it go. Eventually, someone came to me and informed that he has a serious girlfriend and that he had had one all along.

Knowing this really hurt me. I felt like a fool. He had lied to me. He had used me to feed his ego. Now I hold so much resentment and hatred in my heart. I truly feel like I have been wronged and can’t seem to let go of this.

I need some advice on how to let go of hate and to learn to forgive.
I have already tried to distance myself from him and I have repeatedly gone to confession and have asked God for forgiveness. This is something that has never happened to me before and I never thought that I would ever find myself in this situation. As Christians we are called to forgive those who have wronged us but my pride and anger are preventing me from achieving this.

Ultimately, I would like some advice through the Catholic perspective on how to deal with feelings of hate and to learn to forgive.
 
Let us remember that hate is sinful…

Why should we do ourselves wrong (hurt ourselves by sin) because someone has wronged us?

Let us follow what Jesus said and when we stand and pray - let us forgive.

Remembering that ones feelings may not follow …but what is most important is our will.

And then our seeking forgiveness ourselves
 
Gabby_96 said:
A few months ago I met a guy who I truly felt a connection with. He said that he really liked me a lot and more than a friend. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said he did not and he kissed me.

As weeks went by I began to develop stronger feelings for him, however, he seemed to become more and more distant. We still spoke and saw each other at church but after a while, I felt that something was off. I confronted him one day and asked him what had happened and he said that he really liked me but could not date me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I accepted this and began to distance myself even more. After this I noticed that he began to flirt with other girls from the same group. This angered me a lot but I tried to let it go. Eventually, someone came to me and informed that he has a serious girlfriend and that he had had one all along.

Knowing this really hurt me. I felt like a fool. He had lied to me. He had used me to feed his ego. Now I hold so much resentment and hatred in my heart. I truly feel like I have been wronged and can’t seem to let go of this.

I need some advice on how to let go of hate and to learn to forgive.
I have already tried to distance myself from him and I have repeatedly gone to confession and have asked God for forgiveness. This is something that has never happened to me before and I never thought that I would ever find myself in this situation. As Christians we are called to forgive those who have wronged us but my pride and anger are preventing me from achieving this.

Ultimately, I would like some advice through the Catholic perspective on how to deal with feelings of hate and to learn to forgive.
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Catholic methods? Count your lucky stars.
Forgiveness is just something we have to do.
Not easy, but we must forgive.
Ask yourself:
If this guy cheated on her, what are the odds that he would have been good to me?
It was one kiss. Be very thankful you didn’t invest more of yourself in him.
He used you, you don’t have to surrender any more thought or time or feelings on him.

You’re free. Let him go as well.

It may help to say a small prayer for his girlfriend, who may not realize what a player he is. 🤷

You lucked out.
God bless you.
 
pianistclare said:
Catholic methods? Count your lucky stars.
Forgiveness is just something we have to do.
Not easy, but we must forgive.
Ask yourself:
If this guy cheated on her, what are the odds that he would have been good to me?
It was one kiss. Be very thankful you didn’t invest more of yourself in him.
He used you, you don’t have to surrender any more thought or time or feelings on him.

You’re free. Let him go as well.

It may help to say a small prayer for his girlfriend, who may not realize what a player he is. 🤷

You lucked out.
God bless you.
Click to expand...
You said it well.
 
Be glad that you dodged a bullet.

As to forgiveness, one thing I do when I am trying to forgive someone is to remember all my worst sins. Usually, that is enough to at least help some.
 
ClearWater said:
Be glad that you dodged a bullet.

As to forgiveness, one thing I do when I am trying to forgive someone is to remember all my worst sins. Usually, that is enough to at least help some.
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Thanks, that’s great advice.
 
Remember the “Our Father”, “forgive us OUR trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us”; that one line has carried me through many a time when I would have rather gone after the perp!!!
 
…and we don’t have to “feel” the forgiveness. It helps much to make an act of the will to forgive every time we are tempted to feel unforgiveness.
 
Gabby_96 said:
A few months ago I met a guy who I truly felt a connection with. He said that he really liked me a lot and more than a friend. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said he did not and he kissed me.

As weeks went by I began to develop stronger feelings for him, however, he seemed to become more and more distant. We still spoke and saw each other at church but after a while, I felt that something was off. I confronted him one day and asked him what had happened and he said that he really liked me but could not date me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I accepted this and began to distance myself even more. After this I noticed that he began to flirt with other girls from the same group. This angered me a lot but I tried to let it go. Eventually, someone came to me and informed that he has a serious girlfriend and that he had had one all along.

Knowing this really hurt me. I felt like a fool. He had lied to me. He had used me to feed his ego. Now I hold so much resentment and hatred in my heart. I truly feel like I have been wronged and can’t seem to let go of this.

I need some advice on how to let go of hate and to learn to forgive.
I have already tried to distance myself from him and I have repeatedly gone to confession and have asked God for forgiveness. This is something that has never happened to me before and I never thought that I would ever find myself in this situation. As Christians we are called to forgive those who have wronged us but my pride and anger are preventing me from achieving this.

Ultimately, I would like some advice through the Catholic perspective on how to deal with feelings of hate and to learn to forgive.
Click to expand...
Your days are numbered. Don’t spend anymore worrying, angry or thinking about him than you have to. He is selfish and does not seem to care about anyone but himself. Don’t rehash incidents or live in the past. Pray for forgiveness. Somethings are harder to get over than others. How old are you? You sound quite young. You find someone better. You are lucky you guys just kissed. What if you had sex with him and he did this to you?
 
I use several techniques when I have to forgive someone. As I’ve had more practice, the procedures have gotten shorter. Last spring I went through an absolutely horrible experience; I completely snapped due to the long-term behavior of a ministry leader who had authority over me. It was a very bad situation. I had to walk away from my ministry. After three days of having angry conversations with this woman in my head, I sat down and said to God, “Okay, I know you want me to forgive this woman. Tell me what you want me to know.” He said, “See this woman I made? Isn’t she beautiful? I love her.” “Okay God, that’s good enough for me. I forgive her.”

But usually, this is a process:
  1. The very first thing I’ve learned to do is bring my hurt to Jesus. He’ll understand, but he won’t let me get away with any kind of inflation or untruth, and he will help with the work.
  2. The second thing I have to do is sit down and figure out why I’m not forgiving. I then look for the opposite and figure out how to pray for the person based on that. For example, when a priest told me he would help me – twice – and then just didn’t, and I crashed really, really badly because I was lacking help, I had to fight bitterness and resentment. So (to attain sweetness) I prayed gratitude - for priests to administer the sacraments, for vocations in general, for this priest’s Yes to God’s call on his life, for strengths of the priest that I had noticed, etc. I do this every day until it’s easy and I sense that I’m in line with God.
  3. The third thing I’ve learned to do is go to confession. Is there something I have done wrong? Well, if I’m withholding forgiveness, that’s one thing. Did I gossip by sharing details of the situation with another for any purpose other than to obtain wise counsel? (These are hypothetical; confession is confidential!) The first time I tried confessing in relation to forgiveness, the next (last) step was unbelievably easy…
  4. Finally, I use the image of a root. I stand next to it with Jesus and we start digging around it. I’ve found that the prayer is like rain that softens the earth around the root, and Confession gives grace that rots it before I ever touch it. With Jesus’ help, and if I do all of the first steps first, by the time I go to pull up the root of unforgiveness, sometimes it comes out so easily I end up on my rear end!
I hope you find that helpful, and that you’re able to forgive soon. I can tell you from a lot of experience that hatred and anger only hurt you. The other person will not care. Please don’t hurt yourself. Turn to God and forgive. Forgiving will make you more like God, thereby bringing you closer to Him – so you have a chance to turn a loss into a great gain here. 🙂
 
pianistclare said:
Catholic methods? Count your lucky stars.
Forgiveness is just something we have to do.
Not easy, but we must forgive.
Ask yourself:
If this guy cheated on her, what are the odds that he would have been good to me?
It was one kiss. Be very thankful you didn’t invest more of yourself in him.
He used you, you don’t have to surrender any more thought or time or feelings on him.

You’re free. Let him go as well.

It may help to say a small prayer for his girlfriend, who may not realize what a player he is. 🤷

You lucked out.
God bless you.
Click to expand...
Dittos from me. This person does not deserve your affection. You did indeed “luck out”.
God be with you!
 
Gabby_96 said:
A few months ago I met a guy who I truly felt a connection with. He said that he really liked me a lot and more than a friend. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said he did not and he kissed me.

As weeks went by I began to develop stronger feelings for him, however, he seemed to become more and more distant. We still spoke and saw each other at church but after a while, I felt that something was off. I confronted him one day and asked him what had happened and he said that he really liked me but could not date me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I accepted this and began to distance myself even more. After this I noticed that he began to flirt with other girls from the same group. This angered me a lot but I tried to let it go. Eventually, someone came to me and informed that he has a serious girlfriend and that he had had one all along.

Knowing this really hurt me. I felt like a fool. He had lied to me. He had used me to feed his ego. Now I hold so much resentment and hatred in my heart. I truly feel like I have been wronged and can’t seem to let go of this.

I need some advice on how to let go of hate and to learn to forgive.
I have already tried to distance myself from him and I have repeatedly gone to confession and have asked God for forgiveness. This is something that has never happened to me before and I never thought that I would ever find myself in this situation. As Christians we are called to forgive those who have wronged us but my pride and anger are preventing me from achieving this.

Ultimately, I would like some advice through the Catholic perspective on how to deal with feelings of hate and to learn to forgive.
Click to expand...
I found out that when. some people do things that hurt others, and you expect better from them it’s usually because they can’t give what they do not have, the fruit of grace. eg. love, truthfulness, understanding, compassion, fairness, and justice. We are sometimes naive, we expect others to treat us as we would treat them. We take things for granted, only to be disillusioned which can lead to disappointment and discouragement . Christian understanding about human nature is a real blessing that makes it possible to comprehend what is taking place, and to give us the acceptance and forgiveness of the faults, and hurts that others cause us. Jesus said “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” and He is sooo right. Something else to consider: There are a lot of people with mental illness eg. bipolar personalities, that as a result hurt human relationships, not meaning to, but do because of their condition. It takes a lot of understanding, and forgiveness.
 
Once you realize we are truly all sinners forgiveness will become easier. I struggle with this too. People throughout your life will disappoint you in various ways. People will commit sins you may never fully understand or find repulsive. This is all easier said than done. I wish I had a more forgiving heart. It is not fun wanting to always settle the score because you feel you were wronged. You will ruminate and continually live in the past. You will be angry at times for no reason. Do not be like me. This situation may teach you to be careful with who you trust or not to easily consider a person a friend. End toxic relationships as quickly as you can.
 
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I found it all extremely helpful! Ultimately this is a process and I will continue to pray and to remember those lines in the “Our Father”, and to remind myself that we are all sinners.
I think it has been hard to let it go because it was my first kiss. It hurts to know that it wasn’t accompanied by genuine feelings. However, I should consider myself lucky to have found out sooner rather than later.
I will pray for both him and his girlfriend.

God bless you all

🙂
 
OP,small point from long experience.if you do not forgive YOU are the only one who will suffer, and suffer you will,

Pray for the grace and ti will come…

And the freedom will be awesome…

Jesus bids us love our enemies and when you forgive that will become possible, They will never know, but you will…
 
Gabby_96 said:
A few months ago I met a guy who I truly felt a connection with. He said that he really liked me a lot and more than a friend. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said he did not and he kissed me.

As weeks went by I began to develop stronger feelings for him, however, he seemed to become more and more distant. We still spoke and saw each other at church but after a while, I felt that something was off. I confronted him one day and asked him what had happened and he said that he really liked me but could not date me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I accepted this and began to distance myself even more. After this I noticed that he began to flirt with other girls from the same group. This angered me a lot but I tried to let it go. Eventually, someone came to me and informed that he has a serious girlfriend and that he had had one all along.

Knowing this really hurt me. I felt like a fool. He had lied to me. He had used me to feed his ego. Now I hold so much resentment and hatred in my heart. I truly feel like I have been wronged and can’t seem to let go of this.

I need some advice on how to let go of hate and to learn to forgive.
I have already tried to distance myself from him and I have repeatedly gone to confession and have asked God for forgiveness. This is something that has never happened to me before and I never thought that I would ever find myself in this situation. As Christians we are called to forgive those who have wronged us but my pride and anger are preventing me from achieving this.

Ultimately, I would like some advice through the Catholic perspective on how to deal with feelings of hate and to learn to forgive.
Click to expand...
You have been given some very good advice, there’s nothing that I could really add that will improve what you’ve been given.

Anyway, I just want to say that hurt and unforgiveness are very big issues in a life of a Christian simply because there is no particular answer to them. The Gospel only tells us to forgive, not how.

If that makes you feel better, you may want to know that probably ninety nine percents of all Christians struggle with this and how to forgive. It is not easy and perhaps we can never really forgive perfectly.

The challenge to love and to forgive in Christianity is we are called to love the unloveable and to forgive the unforgiveable. So that is the nature of these things.

The biggest motivation perhaps to encourage and to help us to forgive is because of the fact that God forgives us of our sins if we forgive others who sinned against us.

But more so, simply because unforgiveness is like a cancer that eats into our sanity, joy and happiness, which God likes very much for us to have and experience. Unforgiveness can become an obstacle to our relationship with God and for us to live a normal life and to love as how God wants us to.

My way of trying to overcome unforgiveness is to pray and to ask God to help me to forgive by the grace that he died on the cross. He shed his most precious blood so that by it, our sinful nature may be overcome and conquered.

But even if we can’t really forgive, be comforted that Jesus would understand how we feel and it would only by his grace that we can be at peace with our hurt and resentment; and time will heal.

God bless you.
 
Kudos to everyone who added to this thread, and to Gabby for bringing forth her struggle. This thread is CAF at its best! 🙂
 
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gabby:
A few months ago I met a guy who I truly felt a connection with. He said that he really liked me a lot and more than a friend. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said he did not and he kissed me.

As weeks went by I began to develop stronger feelings for him, however, he seemed to become more and more distant. We still spoke and saw each other at church but after a while, I felt that something was off. I confronted him one day and asked him what had happened and he said that he really liked me but could not date me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I accepted this and began to distance myself even more. After this I noticed that he began to flirt with other girls from the same group. This angered me a lot but I tried to let it go. Eventually, someone came to me and informed that he has a serious girlfriend and that he had had one all along.

Knowing this really hurt me. I felt like a fool. He had lied to me. He had used me to feed his ego. Now I hold so much resentment and hatred in my heart. I truly feel like I have been wronged and can’t seem to let go of this.

I need some advice on how to let go of hate and to learn to forgive.
I have already tried to distance myself from him and I have repeatedly gone to confession and have asked God for forgiveness. This is something that has never happened to me before and I never thought that I would ever find myself in this situation. As Christians we are called to forgive those who have wronged us but my pride and anger are preventing me from achieving this.

Ultimately, I would like some advice through the Catholic perspective on how to deal with feelings of hate and to learn to forgive.
Click to expand...
That’s a hard thing to do, especially in that situation. It’s an unrequited love because you gave that person your love (or the beginning of it) and he never really gave you his, and even violated you through his dishonesty.

I think three things might help you.
  1. You wouldn’t have wanted to be with him anyway, had you known what he was like.
  2. He’s a soul that suffers from emptiness, otherwise he never would have felt the need to go to you and try to use you the way he did to try to feel good or powerful.
  3. We don’t like to think about hell, but if you could for a moment, and suppose for a minute that he ultimately rejects God and ends up there for eternity, then contemplate that eternity and think if you still feel wrath towards him or if maybe you might be moved towards prayer for him.
If any of this advice doesn’t help you, feel free to disregard and look at other posts.
 
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