How to live with regret over my marriage?

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revertgirl

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I feel that I married the wrong man 5 years ago when I was 24, and I feel that I knew better. We dated for 5 yrs (I was 19) and broke up many times because I felt that we were a mismatch (spiritually, relationally, educationally, sexually). My gut always told me ‘no’. He was agnostic when we met, went through RCIA before we married and is passive about his faith–no surprise there and I don’t blame him. I feel like I ignored the writing on the wall. We kept getting back together because he wouldn’t “let me go” and I was weak and felt sorry for hurting him. I also felt that he was very forward sexually, would always “push the envelope” and as a result we wanted to get married so that we could finally consummate our relationship since I was all about waiting till marriage (him not so much). We have two beautiful kids and I don’t want to get annulled for their sake. He’s not a bad person, we just have very little in common and definitely started off on the wrong foot. How do I live the profound disappointment and regret that I face daily for having married the wrong person? How do I make peace with my choices?
 
I wish I could help you or offer you some good advice but I just wanted to let you know your not alone I am struggling with the exact same regret. I’ve been praying for God to mend my hewrt and help me love my husband again and for God to work in my husband and salvage our marriage…all I can say is its a slow painful process for me but I do believe God can do great things.
 
Thing about the good times sweetie, the good times. You will find out that there are more of them then the bad ones.
 
I don’t have regret about my marriage, but my husband does. It hurts and is not a fun place to be regardless of which end you are on. I agree to focus on the good. I’m sure there are plenty of good things. Perhaps marriage counseling and/or Retrouvaille might be beneficial to you both.

Someone once told me that it’s not so much about “marrying the right person” as it is “being the right person.” My husband sometimes wishes he could go out and find “the one” and we’re really struggling with his feelings right now. Not sure if this applies to your situation, but if he’s not abusive, adulterous, or addicted then I believe any issues are workable.

Best wishes!
 
Are you and your husband still together? In that case, consider this: God made you and your husband, knowing that the two of you would marry. Your husband is there to help you attain Heaven, and you are to help him attain Heaven.

Now, his contribution to your attaining Heaven may be more in the nature of helping you develop in virtue, like patience, but there you are!

You should do positive things for your relationship. One is to recognize that negative thoughts about your husband will destroy your marriage. Instead, focus on his good points and what (little tho it may be!) he does for you, for your children, for your marriage. Thank him and God for each of these things.

Your should also be praying and fasting/mortifying for your husband. This will help him attain Heaven.

And may I also suggest that you do a little something for him every day? During a bad time, I started doing this for my husband, and it was amazing how this tiny act helped us to get out of those doldrums.

I was recently reminded in confession that the demons can and will slide bad thoughts in front of us, and we sometimes pick up those bad thoughts and keep hold of them. These thoughts are distractions and temptations which keep is from doing what we are supposed to do. Pray to God for protection from this, and reject them when they show up! Confess the times when you fall into thise thoughts.
 
This book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman was recommended on a thread here a while back, I wish I could remember who suggested it. I bought it on my Kindle and I have to tell you that it would be worth your while to do the same. It is a remarkable book with some great insight for all of us in our marriages, whether they be troubled or happy. The author is a counselor and has saved many marriages with the technique in the book, please give it a try, I believe you will find some ideas in it. And, I will pray for you!

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
If there are reasons for annulment, that means that you are not sacramentally married, even with two children. I would begin by discussing these issues with a priest specialized in cannon law, your archdioceses should be able to help you find one. If there were impediments to your marriage, you can then decide if you want to persue an annulment, or work with your husband to create a true Christian marriage. You’re in a difficult place and I wish you the best in your journey.
 
revertgirl said:
I feel that I married the wrong man 5 years ago when I was 24, and I feel that I knew better. We dated for 5 yrs (I was 19) and broke up many times because I felt that we were a mismatch (spiritually, relationally, educationally, sexually). My gut always told me ‘no’. He was agnostic when we met, went through RCIA before we married and is passive about his faith–no surprise there and I don’t blame him. I feel like I ignored the writing on the wall. We kept getting back together because he wouldn’t “let me go” and I was weak and felt sorry for hurting him. I also felt that he was very forward sexually, would always “push the envelope” and as a result we wanted to get married so that we could finally consummate our relationship since I was all about waiting till marriage (him not so much). We have two beautiful kids and I don’t want to get annulled for their sake. He’s not a bad person, we just have very little in common and definitely started off on the wrong foot. How do I live the profound disappointment and regret that I face daily for having married the wrong person? How do I make peace with my choices?
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First question: do you LIKE each other? Enjoy each other’s company? Have fun when you go out to dinner or have friends over?

Second question: do you WANT to work this out?

I’m asking because GOD can fix anything you think is broken…even if your Husband doesn’t seem the least bit interested in God. But you have to want to have it fixed, also.

Give your heart to the Lord, and a man will have to pursue Him to find it.
 
I don’t want to dismiss your disappointment in your marriage, but you don’t really identify any red flags saying that something is really wrong. Like someone else asked, is abuse, adultery, or addiction at play here?

I would be curious to know how many of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce are for reasons you lay out, which seems to boil down to “i married the wrong person”. Lots of marriages start off on the wrong foot, but regain steady ground by work and devotion. There are very few marriages that are truly easy, where couples never run out of things to talk about, never grow tired of each others company, never question at some point whether life would be better apart.

I don’t believe that God led you two to each other, nor do I believe that you didn’t do God’s Will by marrying your husband. Marriage is a decision made by two people. You choose to include or exclude God in that marriage.

I am saying this to make you feel better - your email reads like a normal tired wife and mother of two kids, five years into a marriage. You didn’t marry your husband out of pity; there was something there that drew you back. Yes, you might be two different people now - you are older and hopefully have more depth of character. And he is the father of your children.

Have you thought about going on a retreat by yourself for a few days? I wonder if you need to reinforce your spiritual reserves first. Sort of, helping yourself before you help others.
 
time heals all things, just be patient with yourself and accept you have some pain over it. then you will be fine. just be ok with yourself having the pain.

accept it.

maybe, do something to show God you want to turn a negative into a positive. You can write about your new goals.
 
There are some really good comments here…
There is no clear answer to your situation… I myself married in 1980 for all the wrong reasons… We both realised this,and tried… But we made it work even though we were
A complete mismatch , but you can make it work… Try and find an interest you can both enjoy,like camping,astronomy, with children try get involved in family activity,
I know that’s easier said than done,
 
revertgirl said:
I feel that I married the wrong man 5 years ago when I was 24, and I feel that I knew better. We dated for 5 yrs (I was 19) and broke up many times because I felt that we were a mismatch (spiritually, relationally, educationally, sexually). My gut always told me ‘no’. He was agnostic when we met, went through RCIA before we married and is passive about his faith–no surprise there and I don’t blame him. I feel like I ignored the writing on the wall. We kept getting back together because he wouldn’t “let me go” and I was weak and felt sorry for hurting him. I also felt that he was very forward sexually, would always “push the envelope” and as a result we wanted to get married so that we could finally consummate our relationship since I was all about waiting till marriage (him not so much). We have two beautiful kids and I don’t want to get annulled for their sake. He’s not a bad person, we just have very little in common and definitely started off on the wrong foot. How do I live the profound disappointment and regret that I face daily for having married the wrong person? How do I make peace with my choices?
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Did you marry your husband? And he’s now the father of your children? You might find peace by not thinking of him as the “wrong man” and instead think of him as your husband and the father of your children.
 
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. There are two types of women, those who get diamonds from their husband and those who don’t. I don’t know if you get diamonds, but I bet you do! Men don’t need love like women do, they need respect-this is my opinion. My advice: count your blessings, a lot of women probably would love to be in your shoes!👍
 
revertgirl said:
I feel that I married the wrong man 5 years ago when I was 24, and I feel that I knew better. We dated for 5 yrs (I was 19) and broke up many times because I felt that we were a mismatch (spiritually, relationally, educationally, sexually). My gut always told me ‘no’. He was agnostic when we met, went through RCIA before we married and is passive about his faith–no surprise there and I don’t blame him. I feel like I ignored the writing on the wall. We kept getting back together because he wouldn’t “let me go” and I was weak and felt sorry for hurting him. I also felt that he was very forward sexually, would always “push the envelope” and as a result we wanted to get married so that we could finally consummate our relationship since I was all about waiting till marriage (him not so much). We have two beautiful kids and I don’t want to get annulled for their sake. He’s not a bad person, we just have very little in common and definitely started off on the wrong foot. How do I live the profound disappointment and regret that I face daily for having married the wrong person? How do I make peace with my choices?
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If you want to make peace with your choices, you have to change your attitude. Your whole post is very negative about your husband and your marriage. Yet, you picked him, so give him and yourself a break. There must be SOMETHING good and worthwhile about the man you married and the father of your children, or else you wouldn’t have kept going back to him and eventually marrying him. Start by focusing on that. BTW, how do you know he is the “wrong” person? Is he incapable of treating you with love and respect? Are you disappointed that he isn’t “Catholic” enough?
 
polki said:
If you want to make peace with your choices, you have to change your attitude. Your whole post is very negative about your husband and your marriage. Yet, you picked him, so give him and yourself a break. There must be SOMETHING good and worthwhile about the man you married and the father of your children, or else you wouldn’t have kept going back to him and eventually marrying him. Start by focusing on that. BTW, how do you know he is the “wrong” person? Is he incapable of treating you with love and respect? Are you disappointed that he isn’t “Catholic” enough?
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I agree. When you’re feeling disappointed in your marriage it’s hard to think of the good times…but I’m sure they are still there somewhere. Surely there must have been some reasons that you married him. Does your husband treat you well in general?
 
I’ve believed for many years now that the Pop-Psychology notion of “He/She is the Only One for Me” or “My Soulmate” is utter nonsense.
 
Love is an act of the will. You can choose today to love your husband and work toimprove your marriage. As another poster said, your goal is to get to heaven and you and your husband are there to help each other. He may not be a super devoted Catholic, but he can still help you. Praying for him and working to love him will help get you to heaven.

If the basics are there in your marriage - no abuse or infidelity - than you can make it work. Think of the positive things: how is he with the kids? does he work hard at his job? treat others well? If he attends Mass each week with you as a family that is a plus right there!

I love the idea of doing one small ‘good deed’ for him every day, or complimenting him. Years ago, I started getting up with my husband at 5:30 and making his breakfast. It is a nice time for us now. We connect over coffee and say Morning Prayer together. The little thing you start doing for your husband now may also become a cherished tradition!

Pray for your husband and your marriage everyday. I’ll remember you both in my prayers.
 
Thank you all, these are all VERY great replies. To clarify some questions…

Yes, we are still very much together. He is a good/loving man. He has some habits/personality traits that I find very bothersome and I guess I start feeling like I should’ve seen the writing on the wall when we were dating. For example (and not to be a negative Nancy but for the sake of explaining my reason for saying that I married the wrong man):
Code: 
 -He is not a motivated person, definitely not a go-getter and very complacent.  He does hold down a job and works hard (brownie points there!) but he contributes very little to our family in the way of planning ANYTHING (our future, our decisions, finances, what we do/see/eat on any given day)
-He is not a leader at ALL.  I wear the pants.  I plan everything.  I decide everything because he refuses too.  Not sexy. 
 -He is lazy.  He will wait days to shower and will start to smell which I find very unattractive, offensive, and gross.  I have told him this but he still does it.  
 -He doesn't take care of his health.  He doesn't get enough sleep and he stays up too late, rendering him too tired and essentially useless to our family
 -He objectifies me sexually and makes me uncomfortable.  I cringe.  I love sex and romance too but it's always about him being forward and grabby with my body parts and it does not make me feel loved, romantic or open.  I've explained these feelings to him but he doesn't "get it" (and has said so).
I do like his company and he has a great sense of humor but the above-mentioned “items” can be very challenging. And yes, I am at times disappointed that he isn’t “Catholic enough” but I’ve learned to let that one go since we do go to mass regularly and he prays with our kids.
 
I don’t wish to offend or perhaps be misunderstood… Or seem one sided…
But some men become like this because they have been allowed to become like this…
Not really your fault… But the fault of his upbringing … He could. Be just plain spoilt,
Could that be possible ? Because you do all decision making, he has no need to…
You need to train him without him realising it, he is like a big Labrador pup …
How do you train a Pup ? Reward ,that’s how… Roll over Freddy… Then you reward…
Pee on the carpet… Bad dog… Lay on the lounge all day, …bad dog…"
Mow the lawn… Good Freddy, reward…
You are smarter than a child… And your smarter than him… You grope me,
You cook your own dinner… You love me il feed you… Tell him the boundaries …
Just don’t tell him your training a big lump of a Pup…
Hope this is useful …if not… Trash can… Bad Phil…lol
 
Look at it from his perspective: living with a saint is no easy task. I daresay that it isn’t something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Being human and constantly falling short of the perfection of your partner can be a painful and constant reminder of your all too human nature. Try to be more patient with him.
 
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