How to love family when they really depress me?

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leonie

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So, when your family isn’t really hurting or harmful to you in any way, but their lives are a mess and it’s hard to be around it, how do you love them anyway?

I’d rather just stay away. 😦

But, I know that’s not very Christian of me.
 
Sometimes you have to love from afar. My parents live on the other side of the country and honestly that is probably better than if they lived close by. Living in their house as an adolescent was really difficult, and visiting now for anything over a few days just dredges all that stuff back up. We do better with the occasional phone call.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to be constantly available, especially to be used as a doormat.

(Edit: I see that you specifically mention they’re not harming you, but clearly they are if their behavior causes you so much distress. If they’re engaging in immoral or destructive behavior, even if it’s not directed AT you, you don’t have to put up with it.)
 
Detachment. With love. You let them go and let God take care of them. Also, compassion. You look with the eyes of Jesus instead of your human eyes, and you see that they don’t really know any better, or they would do better. And Boundaries. You establish some lines beyond which you will not allow them to go, and decide what you will do if they choose to. You then stick to those, and remember that you can also establish new boundaries at any point in time. IOW, if they are truly outrageous, you can just leave.

Don’t force yourself to be with them for long periods of time. Schedule some kind of fun activity that is limited, such as going to look at Christmas lights, going ice skating, going to Mass, etc. And then part company with a smile.
 
Try to see the positive in each person - usually there is something. If the person rejects your love, or your religious views, or doesn’t understand you (like why you enjoy the arts or reading or something that they think is a waste of time), like Juliane said, detach and give it to God.

It helps to prepare ahead of time a list in your mind of possible neutral subjects of conversation - and to be ready to change the subject if one topic is starting to cause a train wreck.
 
Nothing directed at me in any way.

I guess I need to pray for emotional detachment. The only gift I can give my family is my prayers and my presence, but I hate to be around them, but not because they are unkind to me in any way or manipulative or any of the drama that other people have to deal with.

I just hate to see the trainwreck of my siblings’ lives and my parents’ codependence. Plus, it’s just irritating to try to make conversation with my sister. She has poor social skills and doesn’t pick up on social cues. So, visiting is rather draining. And, I can’t visit anyone independently because they all live together. My parents have to be home to take care of my sister’s kids, so they won’t visit my home or go out to eat with us.

I am starting to suspect that while my parents love me, all their energy is taken up with their codependence and they don’t really miss my presence anyway. I kind of wish I could just ask them, but I’m sure that would be hurtful.

How do I know if my presence is a gift to my parents/siblings or just a drain? If I could know, then it would be easier to make the sacrifice of the visit.

If I could love with the heart of Mary, I know that I could love them unconditionallly and not be irritated by personality quirks, depressed by all the bad choices and grim outlooks, and mournful of not having a the close, happy extended family I’ve always wanted.
 
First and always…pray…pray…pray the Rosary.
Sister Lucia (2005+), Fatima Seer
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The Most Holy Virgin in these last times in which we live has given a new efficacy to the recitation of the Holy Rosary. She has given this efficacy to such an extent that there is no problem, no matter how difficult it is, whether temporal or above all, spiritual, in the personal life of each one of us, of our families, of the families of the world, or of the religious communities, or even of the life of peoples and nations that cannot be solved by the Rosary. There is no problem I tell you, no matter how difficult it is, that we cannot resolve by the prayer of the Holy Rosary.
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C.S. Lewis is a wise Christian…maybe this will help or be insightful.
“Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did.As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone you will presently come to love him.”
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“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained”
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Pax Christi
 
see them once in awhile, try to be helpful and kind,
and pray for them.
 
leonie said:
So, when your family isn’t really hurting or harmful to you in any way, but their lives are a mess and it’s hard to be around it, how do you love them anyway?

I’d rather just stay away. 😦

But, I know that’s not very Christian of me.
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Accept them for who they are.
 
leonie said:
Nothing directed at me in any way.

I guess I need to pray for emotional detachment. The only gift I can give my family is my prayers and my presence, but I hate to be around them, but not because they are unkind to me in any way or manipulative or any of the drama that other people have to deal with.

I just hate to see the trainwreck of my siblings’ lives and my parents’ codependence. Plus, it’s just irritating to try to make conversation with my sister. She has poor social skills and doesn’t pick up on social cues. So, visiting is rather draining. And, I can’t visit anyone independently because they all live together. My parents have to be home to take care of my sister’s kids, so they won’t visit my home or go out to eat with us.

**I am starting to suspect that while my parents love me, all their energy is taken up with their codependence and they don’t really miss my presence anyway. I kind of wish I could just ask them, but I’m sure that would be hurtful. **

How do I know if my presence is a gift to my parents/siblings or just a drain? If I could know, then it would be easier to make the sacrifice of the visit.

If I could love with the heart of Mary, I know that I could love them unconditionallly and not be irritated by personality quirks, depressed by all the bad choices and grim outlooks, and mournful of not having a the close, happy extended family I’ve always wanted.
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:console:

This sounds a bit like my situation. Were my parents actually abusive? I still don’t know the answer to that question. Maybe “emotionally neglectful” fits the bill better. They just expected me to take care of myself all the time so they could focus on all the issues my other siblings have (and surprise surprise, continue to have despite all my parents’ “interference” - which is actually just enabling).

I wish I could handle it better. But I know that being around all of the time is just going to tempt me to lose my temper and really let them have it (I should specify I mean verbally :o). They just drive me insane. If I was close, could I “do more” to try and help them? I am not sure I am spiritually strong enough to do it and avoid the temptation to sin. I pray for them from afar, and when I talk to them I mention things about going to Church and living a Catholic life - just as part of everyday conversation, since it’s just what I do. But to do much more than that would risk my own soul and also infringe on my ability to be a good wife and mother - and my own spouse and children are owed more of me than my parents and siblings are.

I think it is okay to mourn that you don’t and probably won’t have the kind of relationship you want with your family. But please don’t beat yourself up about it. You are not obligated to try and rescue them.
 
Try not to expect what they can not give you.

Sometimes, in a dysfunctional family, the healthiest child/sibling seems to get lost in the shuffle. I think it’s a case of the parents thinking, “well, she’s ok, she’s got her stuff together, so we don’t need to focus on her.”. And all the attention goes to the siblings who are “a mess,” if you know what I mean.

In my life, there is a similar situation that makes me feel like the proverbial “red-headed stepchild,” sometimes. But I try to let my resentment go, by praying and remembering that I am fortunate to not have the troubles that the other family members have.
 
StJudePray4Me said:
Try not to expect what they can not give you.

Sometimes, in a dysfunctional family, the healthiest child/sibling seems to get lost in the shuffle. I think it’s a case of the parents thinking, “well, she’s ok, she’s got her stuff together, so we don’t need to focus on her.”. And all the attention goes to the siblings who are “a mess,” if you know what I mean.

In my life, there is a similar situation that makes me feel like the proverbial “red-headed stepchild,” sometimes. But I try to let my resentment go, by praying and remembering that I am fortunate to not have the troubles that the other family members have.
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👍

This. I asked my dad once why he didn’t give me the same kind of attention that he gave to my sister. He told me, “I never needed to worry about you. You always did what you were supposed to do. I was proud of you.” (I didn’t always do what I was supposed to do, but compared to my sister, I must have looked like an angel!)

I envied my sister for a long time, but God took that away from me one day. Now, like you, I just have compassion for her, and I’m grateful for the life I did have.
 
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