How to make the flirting stop?

[Gertabelle]

There’s a man I’ve known for about five years – his son and my son have been in Scouts together on and off through that time. He’s divorced, a sometimes-practicing Catholic, and a total flirt. There’s NO WAY I would consider dating a man who is divorced without an annulment, and NO WAY I would consider dating a man who isn’t a practicing Catholic, so there is NO WAY I would consider dating this man.

He’s “put the moves on me” at Scout meetings for a couple years now. At first I thought he was just joking around, and I would just laugh (he was laughing too) and push him away. I mean, he was also acting like this with one of the grandmas there, too!

When I got the idea that there might be some actual interest behind his actions, I started inviting him to go with me to confession (he told me it’s been 25 years) – he’d put his arm around me and say something flirty, and I’d say something like “let’s go get coffee – meet me at confession on Saturday and we can go afterwards.” The more he flirted, the more I’d bring up confession. I kept it light-hearted and playful, but always kept meeting his flirting with my comments about getting right with God.

He began greeting me at meetings with “No, I haven’t been to confession yet, Gertie!” And then I’d laugh and tell him I’d take him to dinner or a movie after confession, or maybe we could just get coffee – would it be all right if Father Rick joined us?

So for about a year, we had virtually no contact, but now our sons are in the same BSA Troop, so I see him every week. When we first chatted, he told me about losing his father and his girlfriend to death at the beginning of the year. I listened and offered him my condolences.

I didn’t mean to give him any ideas, but he’s started verbally flirting with me again.

He caught me off guard tonight with comments about kissing me, and I just focused on my knitting and blushed something fierce. I was not alone with him! I was sitting at a table with four other parents who were hanging out while the boys were having their meeting But the room was loud, and no one heard his comments except me.

I hate to admit it, because I’m usually so quick with my wit and making my position clear, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore. He knows that I am a “hardcore Catholic” who takes my faith very seriously, but he still seems to think I’m going to give in to his advances. I admit it’s been decades since any man has paid any attention to me in this sort of way, and I’m out of practice with making men disinterested.

Help! Suggestions? Do I just turn off my kindness and tell him off to make it clear that this needs to stop? Do I let some friends in on what’s going on and ask them to run interference?

I welcome your thoughts.

Gertie

 

[OurLadysServant]

Yes be clear to him. Serious.

And ignore his actions if you must.

There’s a man I’ve known for about five years – his son and my son have been in Scouts together on and off through that time. He’s divorced, a sometimes-practicing Catholic, and a total flirt. There’s NO WAY I would consider dating a man who is divorced without an annulment, and NO WAY I would consider dating a man who isn’t a practicing Catholic, so there is NO WAY I would consider dating this man.

He’s “put the moves on me” at Scout meetings for a couple years now. At first I thought he was just joking around, and I would just laugh (he was laughing too) and push him away. I mean, he was also acting like this with one of the grandmas there, too!

When I got the idea that there might be some actual interest behind his actions, I started inviting him to go with me to confession (he told me it’s been 25 years) – he’d put his arm around me and say something flirty, and I’d say something like “let’s go get coffee – meet me at confession on Saturday and we can go afterwards.” The more he flirted, the more I’d bring up confession. I kept it light-hearted and playful, but always kept meeting his flirting with my comments about getting right with God.

He began greeting me at meetings with “No, I haven’t been to confession yet, Gertie!” And then I’d laugh and tell him I’d take him to dinner or a movie after confession, or maybe we could just get coffee – would it be all right if Father Rick joined us?

So for about a year, we had virtually no contact, but now our sons are in the same BSA Troop, so I see him every week. When we first chatted, he told me about losing his father and his girlfriend to death at the beginning of the year. I listened and offered him my condolences.

I didn’t mean to give him any ideas, but he’s started verbally flirting with me again.

He caught me off guard tonight with comments about kissing me, and I just focused on my knitting and blushed something fierce. I was not alone with him! I was sitting at a table with four other parents who were hanging out while the boys were having their meeting But the room was loud, and no one heard his comments except me.

I hate to admit it, because I’m usually so quick with my wit and making my position clear, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore. He knows that I am a “hardcore Catholic” who takes my faith very seriously, but he still seems to think I’m going to give in to his advances. I admit it’s been decades since any man has paid any attention to me in this sort of way, and I’m out of practice with making men disinterested.

Help! Suggestions? Do I just turn off my kindness and tell him off to make it clear that this needs to stop? Do I let some friends in on what’s going on and ask them to run interference?

I welcome your thoughts.

Gertie

 

[v21337304]

Your first mistake was chatting with him. I suggest you should warn him that you are not interested and if he keeps this up you should report him to the police.

 

[St_Francis]

That’s the problem: we try to be “nice” and some people just keep pushing.

Remember thaf men are not very subtle and can easily miss “messages.” Sometimes you just need to be very blunt and say, I want you to stop flirting with me.

The man will probably keep pushing; if he does, get up and walk away. Even if it feels rude to you to do that, he is being very rude.

 

[Gertabelle]

That’s the problem: we try to be “nice” and some people just keep pushing.

Remember thaf men are not very subtle and can easily miss “messages.” Sometimes you just need to be very blunt and say, I want you to stop flirting with me.

The man will probably keep pushing; if he does, get up and walk away. Even if it feels rude to you to do that, he is being very rude.

Yeah, I have been trying to be “nice.”

Now that you mention it, I have been afraid to be blunt with him. When this sort of thing happened when I was in college (back in the days of the dinosaurs) and I was blunt, the man turned all angry with me and told me I had led him on, etc. I was genuinely afraid by his reaction. I’m also worried because I have a fiery temper when provoked, and if I stop being “nice” I could become, um, mean, cruel, vicious

I think I’ll talk with a couple of the moms I’ve known for years – make sure they’ve got my back – and then be clear with this man that he needs to stop.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
God bless you!

Gertie

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Yeah, I have been trying to be “nice.”

Now that you mention it, I have been afraid to be blunt with him. When this sort of thing happened when I was in college (back in the days of the dinosaurs) and I was blunt, the man turned all angry with me and told me I had led him on, etc. I was genuinely afraid by his reaction. I’m also worried because I have a fiery temper when provoked, and if I stop being “nice” I could become, um, mean, cruel, vicious

I think I’ll talk with a couple of the moms I’ve known for years – make sure they’ve got my back – and then be clear with this man that he needs to stop.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
God bless you!

Gertie

Just kindly but firmly tell him that you are not interested in dating him, and to please stop making you feel uncomfortable.

Then don’t say anything to be nice, that he might mistake as interest. So don’t say you’ll take him for coffee or dinner. If you must, be somewhat standoffish.

If he persists, then it is no longer flirting, but harassment.

 

[1ke]

Maybe you don’t realize it, but **you **are flirting with him.

So, I suggest you stop the flirting and make your feelings about his flirting and his touching you known to him privately. Be straightforward and firm.

 

[Jon_S_1]

There’s a man I’ve known for about five years – his son and my son have been in Scouts together on and off through that time. He’s divorced, a sometimes-practicing Catholic, and a total flirt. There’s NO WAY I would consider dating a man who is divorced without an annulment, and NO WAY I would consider dating a man who isn’t a practicing Catholic, so there is NO WAY I would consider dating this man.

He’s “put the moves on me” at Scout meetings for a couple years now. At first I thought he was just joking around, and I would just laugh (he was laughing too) and push him away. I mean, he was also acting like this with one of the grandmas there, too!

When I got the idea that there might be some actual interest behind his actions, I started inviting him to go with me to confession (he told me it’s been 25 years) – he’d put his arm around me and say something flirty, and I’d say something like “let’s go get coffee – meet me at confession on Saturday and we can go afterwards.” The more he flirted, the more I’d bring up confession. I kept it light-hearted and playful, but always kept meeting his flirting with my comments about getting right with God.

He began greeting me at meetings with “No, I haven’t been to confession yet, Gertie!” And then I’d laugh and tell him I’d take him to dinner or a movie after confession, or maybe we could just get coffee – would it be all right if Father Rick joined us?

So for about a year, we had virtually no contact, but now our sons are in the same BSA Troop, so I see him every week. When we first chatted, he told me about losing his father and his girlfriend to death at the beginning of the year. I listened and offered him my condolences.

I didn’t mean to give him any ideas, but he’s started verbally flirting with me again.

He caught me off guard tonight with comments about kissing me, and I just focused on my knitting and blushed something fierce. I was not alone with him! I was sitting at a table with four other parents who were hanging out while the boys were having their meeting But the room was loud, and no one heard his comments except me.

I hate to admit it, because I’m usually so quick with my wit and making my position clear, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore. He knows that I am a “hardcore Catholic” who takes my faith very seriously, but he still seems to think I’m going to give in to his advances. I admit it’s been decades since any man has paid any attention to me in this sort of way, and I’m out of practice with making men disinterested.

Help! Suggestions? Do I just turn off my kindness and tell him off to make it clear that this needs to stop? Do I let some friends in on what’s going on and ask them to run interference?

I welcome your thoughts.

Gertie

Your comments about going out with him after confession repeatedly sound very much like you flirting back, just thought I’d share that perspective I had in reading your post, perhaps he feels you flirt back with him and that’s why it continues.

If you want it to stop be very clear with him font lead him on or be “friendly” saying cute little one liners back to him.

What if he came in to schedule his dinner and movie because he went to confession? Would you date him? You told him you would…

Pull him aside, tell him you aren’t interested, you won’t date him, you won’t kiss him, and if the unwanted flirting advances continue you will involve the scout master/council chair.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Maybe you don’t realize it, but **you **are flirting with him.

So, I suggest you stop the flirting and make your feelings about his flirting and his touching you known to him privately. Be straightforward and firm.

I agree!

Especially inviting him for coffee, that’s just asking for it!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

There’s a man I’ve known for about five years – his son and my son have been in Scouts together on and off through that time. He’s divorced, a sometimes-practicing Catholic, and a total flirt. There’s NO WAY I would consider dating a man who is divorced without an annulment, and NO WAY I would consider dating a man who isn’t a practicing Catholic, so there is NO WAY I would consider dating this man.

He’s “put the moves on me” at Scout meetings for a couple years now. At first I thought he was just joking around, and I would just laugh (he was laughing too) and push him away. I mean, he was also acting like this with one of the grandmas there, too!

When I got the idea that there might be some actual interest behind his actions, I started inviting him to go with me to confession (he told me it’s been 25 years) – he’d put his arm around me and say something flirty, and I’d say something like “let’s go get coffee – meet me at confession on Saturday and we can go afterwards.” The more he flirted, the more I’d bring up confession. I kept it light-hearted and playful, but always kept meeting his flirting with my comments about getting right with God.

He began greeting me at meetings with “No, I haven’t been to confession yet, Gertie!” And then I’d laugh and tell him I’d take him to dinner or a movie after confession, or maybe we could just get coffee – would it be all right if Father Rick joined us?

So for about a year, we had virtually no contact, but now our sons are in the same BSA Troop, so I see him every week. When we first chatted, he told me about losing his father and his girlfriend to death at the beginning of the year. I listened and offered him my condolences.

I didn’t mean to give him any ideas, but he’s started verbally flirting with me again.

He caught me off guard tonight with comments about kissing me, and I just focused on my knitting and blushed something fierce. I was not alone with him! I was sitting at a table with four other parents who were hanging out while the boys were having their meeting But the room was loud, and no one heard his comments except me.

I hate to admit it, because I’m usually so quick with my wit and making my position clear, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore. He knows that I am a “hardcore Catholic” who takes my faith very seriously, but he still seems to think I’m going to give in to his advances. I admit it’s been decades since any man has paid any attention to me in this sort of way, and I’m out of practice with making men disinterested.

Help! Suggestions? Do I just turn off my kindness and tell him off to make it clear that this needs to stop? Do I let some friends in on what’s going on and ask them to run interference?

I welcome your thoughts.

Gertie

1. As others have pointed out you are leading him on.
2. You need to tell him that he makes you uncomfortable and to not make advances at you anymore.
3. Telling a grown man he needs to go to confession is presumptuous, and tying it to a date afterward is disingenuous if not downright deceptive. Perhaps this is a log/sliver issue. Have you taken this to the confessional?
   I don’t believe you are NOT interested in this man or else you would not be being coy with him.
   So, you need to figure out if he realistically meets your standards, if not, stop contact immediately. If he makes an issue of it, you boy bay have to find another troop. But I doubt he will.

 

[E_7]

It is possible to flirt with being nice. Maybe he interprets your being nice to flirting back or accepting his forwardness. If it really bugs you, how difficult it is then to just say "look, do me a favor and stop the harassment and don’t talk to me anymore? " “I dont like how you speak to me”. if you say it nicely or kindly, he may not take it seriously.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Yeah, I have been trying to be “nice.”

Now that you mention it, I have been afraid to be blunt with him. When this sort of thing happened when I was in college (back in the days of the dinosaurs) and I was blunt, the man turned all angry with me and told me I had led him on, etc. I was genuinely afraid by his reaction. I’m also worried because I have a fiery temper when provoked, and if I stop being “nice” I could become, um, mean, cruel, vicious

I think I’ll talk with a couple of the moms I’ve known for years – make sure they’ve got my back – and then be clear with this man that he needs to stop.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
God bless you!

Gertie

Talking with other moms or otherwise bringing a third person into it would be major overkill. I almost feel sorry for the guy–it’s not fair to flirt with him and tell him you would go out to coffee with him, etc., and then suddenly give him the cold shoulder and act as though he is some sort of sexual harasser.

I would be both kind and honest about it. Monicad’s advice above on how to handle it is very good.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with Hoosier Daddy. Especially #3.

Encouraging others to make use of the Sacraments is one thing. But you should never imply that going to Confession is the “price” he needs to pay for taking you out on a date!

After you are 100% honest with this man he will probably stop and examine things. He will know that a woman he likes and that flirted with him turned him down because of faith. This may be the catalyst to get him to think about his faith life and about Jesus Christ. He may turn back to Jesus after all! This would be wonderful! Now, that would not obligate you to date him of course but it would be wonderful for him to turn back to his faith wouldn’t it?

Umm… oh, wow. No. Please get this romantic fantasy out of your head and don’t entertain it further. If God chooses to work that way, fine. But do not count on it, do not presume it, do not go into the conversation with the idea that, “he might come back to the Church over me!” No, no, no, no. His relationship with God is NOT ABOUT YOU! Just don’t go there.

It’s fine to be kind and honest and say, “I am not interested in dating someone who doesn’t share my values,” or something similar. Perhaps even, “I can’t see dating someone who isn’t a devout Catholic and free to marry.” (And that’s assuming you would be willing to date him if he was a devout Catholic who was free to marry.)

But do NOT go into this conversation with him thinking that you can be his Holy Spirit and you’ll lead him back to God, especially if you have any intention of “offering yourself” to the man as an incentive. (I can hardly believe I even have to say that!)

It doesn’t work that way.

 

[styrgwillidar]

There’s a man I’ve known for about five years – his son and my son have been in Scouts together on and off through that time. He’s divorced, a sometimes-practicing Catholic, and a total flirt. There’s NO WAY I would consider dating a man who is divorced without an annulment, and NO WAY I would consider dating a man who isn’t a practicing Catholic, so there is NO WAY I would consider dating this man.

He’s “put the moves on me” at Scout meetings for a couple years now. At first I thought he was just joking around, and I would just laugh (he was laughing too) and push him away. I mean, he was also acting like this with one of the grandmas there, too!

When I got the idea that there might be some actual interest behind his actions, I started inviting him to go with me to confession (he told me it’s been 25 years) – he’d put his arm around me and say something flirty, and I’d say something like “let’s go get coffee – meet me at confession on Saturday and we can go afterwards.” The more he flirted, the more I’d bring up confession. I kept it light-hearted and playful, but always kept meeting his flirting with my comments about getting right with God.

He began greeting me at meetings with “No, I haven’t been to confession yet, Gertie!” And then I’d laugh and tell him I’d take him to dinner or a movie after confession, or maybe we could just get coffee – would it be all right if Father Rick joined us?

So for about a year, we had virtually no contact, but now our sons are in the same BSA Troop, so I see him every week. When we first chatted, he told me about losing his father and his girlfriend to death at the beginning of the year. I listened and offered him my condolences.

I didn’t mean to give him any ideas, but he’s started verbally flirting with me again.

He caught me off guard tonight with comments about kissing me, and I just focused on my knitting and blushed something fierce. I was not alone with him! I was sitting at a table with four other parents who were hanging out while the boys were having their meeting But the room was loud, and no one heard his comments except me.

I hate to admit it, because I’m usually so quick with my wit and making my position clear, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore. He knows that I am a “hardcore Catholic” who takes my faith very seriously, but he still seems to think I’m going to give in to his advances. I admit it’s been decades since any man has paid any attention to me in this sort of way, and I’m out of practice with making men disinterested.

Help! Suggestions? Do I just turn off my kindness and tell him off to make it clear that this needs to stop? Do I let some friends in on what’s going on and ask them to run interference?

I welcome your thoughts.

Gertie

He may not actually be interested in you at all. He may simply be reverting to the old pattern of kidding back and forth. (ETA: that is kind of a guy thing to do with their friends). That may have always been his perspectives- this was just about you giving each other a hard time. That may be how he views your comments about confession- not serious opportunities for a date, but you just good naturedly pushing his buttons about something important.

Just let him know that you want to be clear, that you’ve always considered him just a friend/acquaintance and you’re hoping that’s the way he considers your relationship as well.

 

[Sunbreak]

I think you’ve been giving him mixed messages by suggesting doing something after confession. I’m sure he heard that part loud and clear the shoved the confession part out of his head. At this point, you have to make it clear that you’re not interested. This may mean taking action you are not comfortable with like telling him you’re not interested if he says something that is clearly out of line. Or if he approaches you, walk away, start a conversation with someone else, go to the ladies’ room.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

He’s been led on. No two ways about that. He hears coffee, dinner, movie and thinks if only he could get you off the confession requirement, he’d be in with you. Since you have already offered some interest, he thinks it is just a matter of breaking down your resistance. Since he has already shown he is no good at taking indirect hints, you cannot save him, only he can do that and so far he sure hasn’t so you have to be direct with him, telling him your interest is gone and then move away from him. He gets close again, just keep moving away. If he persists after you’ve made it clear his advances are unwelcome, don’t hesitate to enlist your friends for backup.

 

[Gertabelle]

Maybe you don’t realize it, but **you **are flirting with him.

So, I suggest you stop the flirting and make your feelings about his flirting and his touching you known to him privately. Be straightforward and firm.

God bless you for being so direct.

I didn’t kow to deal with any of this, and so I chose to try to laugh it off so as to avoid confrontation. Yeah, I can see how that might be flirting back.

I’ll pray for a backbone and have that talk with him. Thanks.

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

Thank you for sharing.

I would be as kind as possible, especially because I believe he is not being evil in pursuing you but is innocent in misunderstanding your “signals” to him as romantic interest.

You said he put his arm around you and did not indicate that you firmly told him to stop. You have invited him to coffee, a movie and dinner (all surrounding confession.) You have known him for five years so this is not something new.

Because of this history I would urge you to be as kind as possible. I do not see the need to call friends and ask them to back you up. This is simple, tell him the honest TRUTH. Tell him that because he does not have an annulment and that he does not attend Mass regularly that you cannot consider him dating material. Tell him that your faith life is very important to you and is an integral part of your life and that you cannot consider dating someone that is not a devout Catholic.

There could be something deeper going on here. This could be much more than annoying flirting, please stop and think about this. After you are 100% honest with this man he will probably stop and examine things. He will know that a woman he likes and that flirted with him turned him down because of faith. This may be the catalyst to get him to think about his faith life and about Jesus Christ. He may turn back to Jesus after all! This would be wonderful! Now, that would not obligate you to date him of course but it would be wonderful for him to turn back to his faith wouldn’t it? Please be assured of my prayers.

I am so grateful for your thoughtful response! You’ve really given me a lot to think about. Your thoughts reminded me that many of us parents do have a long history together, this man included. I need to stop being overwhelmed by this confusion and just be straight up with him. I’m pretty sure that if I just talk with him, he’ll “get it,” be respectful, and it will be OK.

Thank you!

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

He may not actually be interested in you at all. He may simply be reverting to the old pattern of kidding back and forth. (ETA: that is kind of a guy thing to do with their friends). That may have always been his perspectives- this was just about you giving each other a hard time. That may be how he views your comments about confession- not serious opportunities for a date, but you just good naturedly pushing his buttons about something important.

Just let him know that you want to be clear, that you’ve always considered him just a friend/acquaintance and you’re hoping that’s the way he considers your relationship as well.

“This was just about you giving each other a hard time.”

That is what I thought, for a long time. Thank you for putting that experience into words. At this point, it seems like he’s gone beyond that in his thinking.

You are bang on with your thought about his taking my confession comments as good-naturedly giving him grief about something important. We did have one brief, serious conversation about confession, why I go, why he won’t. And he seems to take my invitations to coffee/dinner AFTER confession as part of the grief I give him, not as a serious “if you go to confession we can make out afterwards.”

Still, like I said above, I think I can see how all this banter back and forth between us could be flirting. It’s something I need to consider in my interactions with the very few single men I know.

Thanks for giving me something else to consider. I appreciate it!

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

It seemed silly to come to CAF with this - and putting myself out here for others to know and comment on very real and personal concern! I think my pastor should offer this as a penance the next time I confess my sins of pride!

But now I am so thankful I did start this thread. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and taking the time to share them. It’s been humbling, in a very powerful and freeing sort of way.

God bless you!

Gertie