How to make the flirting stop?

[pianistclare]

Just say: I think you may have gotten the wrong idea…maybe even from me, and if that’s true, I’m sorry. But I’m not interested in dating you or anyone else. I’m flattered, but let’s just keep it at arm’s length ok?
And if he gets mad, that’s his problem.
But you have to clear the air yourself.
If he says “oh, I was just messin with ya”, then YOU SAY: oh, I don’t think it’s that amusing really. but thank you for clarifying.
Then walk away, sit somewhere else, but don’t engage him any longer. Even to “be nice”. Sometimes it’s kinder to just say nothing when you encounter awkward people. Especially if the whole thing may have been a big misunderstanding on your part.

 

[AllieT]

Just say: I think you may have gotten the wrong idea…maybe even from me, and if that’s true, I’m sorry. But I’m not interested in dating you or anyone else. I’m flattered, but let’s just keep it at arm’s length ok?
And if he gets mad, that’s his problem.
But you have to clear the air yourself.
If he says “oh, I was just messin with ya”, then YOU SAY: oh, I don’t think it’s that amusing really. but thank you for clarifying.
Then walk away, sit somewhere else, but don’t engage him any longer. Even to “be nice”. Sometimes it’s kinder to just say nothing when you encounter awkward people. Especially if the whole thing may have been a big misunderstanding on your part.

Good advice…

 

[CatholicRaven]

God bless you and thank you so much for sharing.

To clarify: I was not trying to encourage the original poster to have any sort of delusional or romantic thoughts that she was this man’s savior, or that it was her job to lead him back to God. I sincerely apologize if that impression was given.

The job to lead this man back to God belongs to the Holy Spirit! In my post I used the word “catalyst” to describe what this woman might be able to do as a friend. At times (in life) through a very small action we can set things in motion. Not always, but sometimes.

This is why I was encouraging the original poster to be honest with this friend of over five years that she was not interested in dating over FAITH. To be honest and not brush this off that she was busy, or make other excuses. Clearly she cannot count on him coming back to the faith, that is generally a very slow process however if by her actions he starts to think about it that would be a small miracle and a very wonderful thing. Hope this helps clarify for you and the original poster.

God bless you again and thank you for sharing.

Thank you for clarifying; that really helps. I also apologize that my post was too critical of yours. I’ve seen many women who do have the idea that manipulation is a good way to get men back to Church, but I shouldn’t have “read” that into your post. It wasn’t there, and I’m sorry for assuming it was. I hope you will forgive me.

I absolutely agree with you that she should be honest and not make other excuses, etc.

 

[StGerardMajella]

There’s a man I’ve known for about five years – his son and my son have been in Scouts together on and off through that time. He’s divorced, a sometimes-practicing Catholic, and a total flirt. There’s NO WAY I would consider dating a man who is divorced without an annulment, and NO WAY I would consider dating a man who isn’t a practicing Catholic, so there is NO WAY I would consider dating this man…

I’ll take a contrarian view, so don’t be offended. I sense this situation is more about you and your relationship fears, than it is about this particular individual. It’s almost like you are deliberately putting up unnecessary walls to avoid being hurt.

Your objections to him don’t seem plausible, or even reasonable. Perhaps he hasn’t wanted to pursue an annulment because he hasn’t found the right romantic match yet. If he were contemplating marriage, it might make sense for him to get an annulment, but not right now while he is still single.

Perhaps he practices his spirituality differently from yourself. He might take his faith more seriously if he had the right romantic partner. He might be very true to this faith, just not in an exterior manner.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Don’t you find it kind of unusual that he just happens to be back in your life again? Maybe there’s a reason and you need to be more open-minded. He might have a heart of gold and might be the perfect match for you if you just took a different perspective.

 

[pianistclare]

I’ll take a contrarian view, so don’t be offended. I sense this situation is more about you and your relationship fears, than it is about this particular individual. It’s almost like you are deliberately putting up unnecessary walls to avoid being hurt.

Your objections to him don’t seem plausible, or even reasonable. Perhaps he hasn’t wanted to pursue an annulment because he hasn’t found the right romantic match yet. If he were contemplating marriage, it might make sense for him to get an annulment, but not right now while he is still single.

Perhaps he practices his spirituality differently from yourself. He might take his faith more seriously if he had the right romantic partner. He might be very true to this faith, just not in an exterior manner.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Don’t you find it kind of unusual that he just happens to be back in your life again? Maybe there’s a reason and you need to be more open-minded. He might have a heart of gold and might be the perfect match for you if you just took a different perspective.

Good point. Maybe he feels humor is the only way to get to her .
He sounds kind of funny.
And she doesn’t seem to trust men after her last ordeal. Bless her.
I know many people in my parish who don’t want to hassle with annulment if there’s not a reason to. They just don’t consider it until it’s necessary.

 

[GrandmaLaLa]

You write, “he told me about losing his father and his girlfriend to death at the beginning of the year”

If I understand you correctly he had a girlfriend when he was flirting with you? And, she has been gone long enough for him to actually call you and ask you for dinner.

If you wrap your head around the fact that he is not only a flirt but a man who would drive you crazy if you did date (with the flirting), you are not even remotely likely to have a good friendship let alone romance.

He is a creep! once you accept this you might be more inclined to be less laughing it up and more direct.

What say you?

Sheila

 

[Gertabelle]

I’ll take a contrarian view, so don’t be offended. I sense this situation is more about you and your relationship fears, than it is about this particular individual. It’s almost like you are deliberately putting up unnecessary walls to avoid being hurt.

Your objections to him don’t seem plausible, or even reasonable. Perhaps he hasn’t wanted to pursue an annulment because he hasn’t found the right romantic match yet. If he were contemplating marriage, it might make sense for him to get an annulment, but not right now while he is still single.

Perhaps he practices his spirituality differently from yourself. He might take his faith more seriously if he had the right romantic partner. He might be very true to this faith, just not in an exterior manner.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Don’t you find it kind of unusual that he just happens to be back in your life again? Maybe there’s a reason and you need to be more open-minded. He might have a heart of gold and might be the perfect match for you if you just took a different perspective.

Not offended at all, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

For me, there is simply no room for dating a man who doesn’t have an annulment. Say we start dating and he begins the annulment process. Say that process takes 18 months. So we’re dating for 18 months. And then the tribunal says, “your marriage is valid.” That means I’ve been dating a married man for 18 months!

I’m not playing Russian roulette with my soul, or with his. This is a non-negotiable for me – I will absolutely not date any man who is divorced but does not yet have a decree of nullity.

His spirituality is definitely different from mine. By God’s grace, I follow what the Church teaches, not because it’s easy, but because that’s what Our Lord told us to do when He said, “If you love me, keep my command.”

And just to be clear, this man and I are certainly NOT a perfect match. I’m on Catholic Match and have been blessed to meet some men who have gone through the annulment process BEFORE they started dating – you know, the way the Church tells us we should do things I’ve also been blessed to meet a CAF member here in Denver whom I would describe as a far better match for me… not that there’s anything like that going on, just that the comfort level was waaaaayyyyy higher, and the conversation just awesome!

I appreciate your post very, very much. Writing this has reminded me that this man, in the eyes of the Church, is still married. I never really thought of myself as flirting with him until I started this thread and read people’s responses. Yikes. Time to get to confession! :crying:

God bless you!

Gertie

 

[GrandmaLaLa]

You are so correct. It was not personal of you; just him. I guess I misunderstood that when a question is asked: “How to Make the Flirting Stop” the person wants some clarity on the issue.

I think I am wrong. I don’t think anyone wants clarity, just a place to speak.

You are right when you say, “I want things done right.” I see the world from great experience and have seen so many women – abused, pushed around, dismissed, etc. (it is in my line of work) that I want to run to their aid.

Hope you get the clarity you seek.

Meant the best for you. Sheila

 

[dedo]

The OP’s response to feedback is very encouraging.

This is because the initial post was alarming, at least from my perspective. The initial post indicated the OP’s clear actions to encourage this guy, then a willingness to attack his reputation when they guy did not respond exactly as she had hoped.

Fortunately, she has reconsidered her stand on this and is willing to “set the guy straight”, which is the decent thing to do.

However, the guy’s actions are also alarming in that he has made sexual advances to someone who he has not gone on a single date with. That is a red flag.

I think the OP has two choices: either set the guy straight and tell him she is not interested, or just ignore him and he will go away.

The O.P. has sent the guy a “mixed message” which is unfortunate. However, we all make mistakes. The guy’s response to the “mixed message” is also a little alarming in that he is presuming that a lot more is there, than is there.

For myself, since I am socially a little withdrawn, I tend to believe the negative half of a “mixed message”, and leave the person alone until told directly that it is o.k. to interact. However, I am speaking more about platonic relationships since I am not in the dating game.

 

[chevalier]

There’s a man I’ve known for about five years – his son and my son have been in Scouts together on and off through that time. He’s divorced, a sometimes-practicing Catholic, and a total flirt. There’s NO WAY I would consider dating a man who is divorced without an annulment, and NO WAY I would consider dating a man who isn’t a practicing Catholic, so there is NO WAY I would consider dating this man.

He’s “put the moves on me” at Scout meetings for a couple years now. At first I thought he was just joking around, and I would just laugh (he was laughing too) and push him away. I mean, he was also acting like this with one of the grandmas there, too!

When I got the idea that there might be some actual interest behind his actions, I started inviting him to go with me to confession (he told me it’s been 25 years) – he’d put his arm around me and say something flirty, and I’d say something like “let’s go get coffee – meet me at confession on Saturday and we can go afterwards.” The more he flirted, the more I’d bring up confession. I kept it light-hearted and playful, but always kept meeting his flirting with my comments about getting right with God.

He began greeting me at meetings with “No, I haven’t been to confession yet, Gertie!” And then I’d laugh and tell him I’d take him to dinner or a movie after confession, or maybe we could just get coffee – would it be all right if Father Rick joined us?

So for about a year, we had virtually no contact, but now our sons are in the same BSA Troop, so I see him every week. When we first chatted, he told me about losing his father and his girlfriend to death at the beginning of the year. I listened and offered him my condolences.

I didn’t mean to give him any ideas, but he’s started verbally flirting with me again.

He caught me off guard tonight with comments about kissing me, and I just focused on my knitting and blushed something fierce. I was not alone with him! I was sitting at a table with four other parents who were hanging out while the boys were having their meeting But the room was loud, and no one heard his comments except me.

I hate to admit it, because I’m usually so quick with my wit and making my position clear, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore. He knows that I am a “hardcore Catholic” who takes my faith very seriously, but he still seems to think I’m going to give in to his advances. I admit it’s been decades since any man has paid any attention to me in this sort of way, and I’m out of practice with making men disinterested.

Help! Suggestions? Do I just turn off my kindness and tell him off to make it clear that this needs to stop? Do I let some friends in on what’s going on and ask them to run interference?

I welcome your thoughts.

Gertie

In private, you may want to tell him to knock it off, buddy, but obviously that doesn’t work at a table full of other people. On the other hand, you can always make a slightly embarrassing comment such as: ‘It’s high time you found yourself a girlfriend, FirstName.’ Or anything else in that vein. If he mentions you, just add: ‘And it ain’t me, bro.’ Just be funny but unrelenting, unavailable but not cold or hostile or whatever, and avoid seriously wounding his ego (flesh wounds are fine), and you should be fine.

 

[pianistclare]

In private, you may want to tell him to knock it off, buddy, but obviously that doesn’t work at a table full of other people. On the other hand, you can always make a slightly embarrassing comment such as: ‘It’s high time you found yourself a girlfriend, FirstName.’ Or anything else in that vein. If he mentions you, just add: ‘And it ain’t me, bro.’ Just be funny but unrelenting, unavailable but not cold or hostile or whatever, and avoid seriously wounding his ego **(flesh wounds are fine), **and you should be fine.