How to meet singles who are in full communion with the Catholic Church

[homeric]

There are other threads concerning Catholic singles, but I want to focus on a very specific issue.

Have any singles here had the unfortunate experience of meeting someone who regularly attends Mass and professes to be Catholic, but eventually reveals their shopping-cart approach to the teachings of the Church?

When you are first getting to know someone, it’s awkward, of course, to point-blank ask if they accept the Church’s teaching on X, Y, and Z. The problem, however, is that the more you dance around such direct questions, the closer you get (with the passing of time) and set yourself up for disappointment.

My question is: by what method can one simultaneously be respectful and determine whether a person is in full communion with the Catholic Church?

N.B. I ask this question in the context of real-world meeting, not internet sites. I have been informed by good sources that singles on Catholic sites are notorious for stating one thing in their profile, then saying a moral precept is “a matter of conscience” when you meet them in person.

 

[nobeerinheaven]

Although it’s important to have someone share your faith, you should probably be aware that not everyone always believes every doctrine that they should, at every moment of their lives. Part of growing in a relationship might involve sharing your faith with an otherwise good person, getting them to see why it’s important to believe what you believe. Very often, in a relationship, people change to become more like their loved one (for instance, I only converted to Catholicism after I was married). Though you shouldn’t depend on that process entirely, you shouldn’t look for your spiritual duplicate before getting to know someone through dating. I worry you might be getting a little overly picky about otherwise good people - and picky people like that often end up alone. That said, if you are actively participating in Church activities, you are likely to meet someone who is equally enthusiastic about the faith.

 

[homeric]

Although it’s important to have someone share your faith, you should probably be aware that not everyone always believes every doctrine that they should, at every moment of their lives. Part of growing in a relationship might involve sharing your faith with an otherwise good person, getting them to see why it’s important to believe what you believe. Very often, in a relationship, people change to become more like their loved one (for instance, I only converted to Catholicism after I was married). Though you shouldn’t depend on that process entirely, you shouldn’t look for your spiritual duplicate before getting to know someone through dating. I worry you might be getting a little overly picky about otherwise good people - and picky people like that often end up alone. That said, if you are actively participating in Church activities, you are likely to meet someone who is equally enthusiastic about the faith.

Thanks for your reply.

I know what you mean about drawing another person more fully into your faith by living by example, but I think you underestimate the extent of stubbornness in people today, particularly in urban centers. It is one thing for the person you are interested in to be humbly seeking the truth and another for that person to be immutably hardheaded on moral issues.

When you are putting yourself out there with the potential of lifelong commitment that involves the intent to have children, is it really a good idea to role the dice with someone who is adamant in their freedom of conscience? Maybe I am being picky. Or maybe I am being responsible and thinking longterm. I’m confused on this one. Any passages from Sacred Scripture to help me on this?

Also, you mentioned that actively participating in Church activities may help you meet someone equally enthusiastic about the faith. I think this is far less probable today than in the past. A lay person helping with liturgies (again, this may be an urban center issue) is, to me at least, no sure sign of communion with the Church. This could be the weakness of anecdotal thinking here, but I would need more than two hands to count the number of singles who play a frequent role at Mass and know every episode of Sex and the City by heart.

 

[1ke]

Yes, it is certainly likely you will meet people in the pews who you presume to be “good” Catholics only to find out that Mass attendance does not equate to acceptance of all teachings.

I was involved with young adults on the parish and diocesan level in my old city for 10 years. I met many good, devout Catholics and many who did not accept many Catholic teachings (mostly the sexual ones) but who were very involved in parish ministries, attended Mass, etc.

So, no, there is no silver bullet. You have to work it out the old fashioned way-- get to know people, discuss the faith and your views, and weed out people based on your personal list of “must haves” and “deal breakers”.

Now, as for what you’ve been told about online dating sites-- well, that may be the experience of some but it was not my experience. I met my DH via Ave Maria, and I dated several other men over the two years I was on the site before meeting DH. None of them presented themselves falsely regarding their profile and church teaching.

To me, it’s no different than in real life-- you are going to get a mixed bag either way. I think it’s *easier *to weed out people online, and I base that on experience meeting men both ways.

 

[rskempf]

You seem to have a good grip on the state of some of our Catholic parishes. I feel the same way you do on many of these points and will say with confidence that you are not being too picky but prudent. This virtue seems to have taken hold within you.

I will offer one idea. Try to complete the First Saturday devotion. You can find the details online and a nice guide at Leaflet Missal via www.leafletonline.com. When you meet another person in the line to recieve the Sacrament of Penance, you can be moderately sure that person is trying to become holy. They may change over their life and take a different direction in the future, but with your support, the two of you can grow into real joy. At least, having some respect for the Sacrament of Penance is a good sign.

One more point, my wife and I have been married for 20 years now and are very happy. It was not always this way however. We were not equally yoked in the faith, in the beginning of this journey. After 20 years, we are just now starting to blossom and experience the fullness of our faith and life in general. It was a hard road to travel - I am a witness. I hope you can avoid 20 years of frustration. Believe me, your efforts are worthwhile.

Good luck!

 

[mfaustina]

I know what you mean about drawing another person more fully into your faith by living by example, but I think you underestimate the extent of stubbornness in people today, particularly in urban centers. It is one thing for the person you are interested in to be humbly seeking the truth and another for that person to be immutably hardheaded on moral issues.

When you are putting yourself out there with the potential of lifelong commitment that involves the intent to have children, is it really a good idea to role the dice with someone who is adamant in their freedom of conscience? Maybe I am being picky. Or maybe I am being responsible and thinking longterm…

Also, you mentioned that actively participating in Church activities may help you meet someone equally enthusiastic about the faith. I think this is far less probable today than in the past. A lay person helping with liturgies (again, this may be an urban center issue) is, to me at least, no sure sign of communion with the Church…

BINGO!

First of all, I learned the hard way from my last relationship (6 1/2 years ago! Oy vey!) that having a shared faith counts big time in determining if you’re going to be compatible for the long haul, and not just when it comes to “how are we going to raise the children?” The underlying moral, ethical, and religious beliefs of each partner will play a role in every major decision you make together. You’re not being picky at all, but rather using great foresight.

And bless you for it, becuase, as I’m sure you well know, setting these kinds of standards makes it DIFFICULT to find someone to date/court! It keeps me from getting very many matches, even on the “catholic” dating sites, and he’s got to flip my attraction switches and have compatible personality characteristics and interests to boot! It’s enought to make me wonder if I’m meant for marriage sometimes.

Finally, I must say that if you have a significant number of single and available persons of the opposite gender helping out at your church about which to wonder about their magisterial fidelity, you’re luckier than I am. I have met very few of them in my parish. I actually fell head over heels for one, but he’s either not interested in me or is too socially crippled (fear? ignorance? workoholism?..) to “take it to the next level.” I was briefly involved with some young adult activities in my diocese and local Newman center, but I consistently ran into atmospheres of cliquishness or “the meat market.” I know neither was intended, but I can’t deny the shivers that went down my spine every time I was looked at…

It really does seem that there’s nowhere to meet a good catholic (not boy but) man these days! :banghead:

 

[chevalier]

Oh dear… I know what you’re talking about. Admittedly, there were many people of my age but much more in agreement with Catholic morality in their everyday life than I was, back in my teen years. It became complicated later when I dropped some of my bad habits and got some more understanding of things… then I found myself isolated. When I finally arrived at my decision not to make compromises about moral matters, I found myself isolated even more. It is not altogether uncommon to find a good Catholic my age or slightly older, except that mostly married, engaged or en route. And I’m talking about the capital city of a Catholic country, in which many universities are, not counting private colleges (countless), so the place should be blooming with students. And it is… except that the problem I mentioned in the beginning stands. Obviously, people exist. But it’s hard to come in touch. Obviously, when you do actually come in touch, it’s not like you’ll just pick the first person and voila, jump into engagement. Sure not. So what… right of the bat, “It’s nice finally to find a Catholic in agreement with the Church, of the appropriate age and gender. Hope you feel the same. Let’s go out for a while to find out if we match on other levels?” Don’t think so. Suppose this means we could use some real life equivalents of those Catholic “dating” sites.

And yes, not everyone who’s involved in ministries of all sorts will have the right theology. Not everyone with the right theology will apply the moral precepts in everyday life. Not everyone with the virtue of charity will have the beliefs in order, nor will everyone with the right beliefs be graced with abundant charity.

As for finding out about things, I generally try to slip the potential points of disagreement into conversation. This is sometimes at the risk of appearing a bit forthright, but I guess better sooner than later.

Someone said the more you talked to God, the less you needed to talk to people. Was it Mother Teresa or…? I don’t remember. At any rate, prayer does help in such things.

 

[Norseman82]

Thanks for your reply.

I know what you mean about drawing another person more fully into your faith by living by example, but I think you underestimate the extent of stubbornness in people today, particularly in urban centers. It is one thing for the person you are interested in to be humbly seeking the truth and another for that person to be immutably hardheaded on moral issues.

When you are putting yourself out there with the potential of lifelong commitment that involves the intent to have children, is it really a good idea to role the dice with someone who is adamant in their freedom of conscience? Maybe I am being picky. Or maybe I am being responsible and thinking longterm. I’m confused on this one. Any passages from Sacred Scripture to help me on this?

Also, you mentioned that actively participating in Church activities may help you meet someone equally enthusiastic about the faith. I think this is far less probable today than in the past. A lay person helping with liturgies (again, this may be an urban center issue) is, to me at least, no sure sign of communion with the Church. This could be the weakness of anecdotal thinking here, but I would need more than two hands to count the number of singles who play a frequent role at Mass and know every episode of Sex and the City by heart.

For a scripture passage, there’s one in second Corinthians about not being unequally yoked to an unbeliever.

Anyway, 3 questions:

1. Are you a male or female? Your screen name makes me think you are a male.
2. How old are you?
3. Where are you located?

As a single male who has crossed the divide to where I am closer in age to getting his AARP card than the legal drinking age, I definitely feel your pain.

You may want to try pro-lfe activities (especially if you are in or fresh out of college), or see if there is a relaible Catholic parish (like one affiliated with Opus Dei or has the Tridentine Latin Mass). In my personal experience, I have found that the people who frequent these have a lower chance of disagreeing with the Church. I’ve also found similar with parishes that have a strong immigrant population or tradition (especially if it is Polish).