Detatch in love…will it really come to that? (rhetorical question) Deep inside, I feel you are right. I think my husband has already begun this process. He has repeatedly said that he’s done with her and that he feels bad that his mom is caught in the middle.My hope was that *her *husband would have some pull with her, if he had ideas about what to do. Her self-martyrdom can’t be easy on him, either, nor their child. OTOH, if he won’t draw any boundaries inside his own family, that can’t be helped by anyone on the outside.
If your SIL won’t draw boundaries with your MIL and won’t take care of herself, there is nothing you can do but “detach in love” as they say in the co-dependency recovery circles. Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More” has a lot of good stuff in it on that topic. Most libraries have it. Maybe that will help you.
and with my son, I was working full-time, so I had breaks away from him daily. My SIL works from home and is always near her mom (even if the caregiver is there too).Serp,
I think this is a case where stressed people do funny things, caring for an ill parent can be like caring for a special needs kid. I know in other threads you’ve mentioned how difficult your son was when he was young. You weren’t keen on letting other people help. It can be twice as hard when it’s a parent and it’s an embarrassment/guilt factor, too.
I would see if you can get hospital social workers to speak with your sister as far as her emotinal state. Sometimes coming from outside the family helps.
“Detach with love” does not mean putting the person out of your life, or at least not always. It means refusing to be a character in a false drama someone else is trying to put on. It is possible to teach other people that you have boundaries in a healthy place, and for them to learn to live with them. They may not like your boundaries, but if you learn to enforce them without a counter-drama, after the initial (inevitable) flak, they can learn to take their drama to someone who will listen to it.Detatch in love…will it really come to that? (rhetorical question) Deep inside, I feel you are right. I think my husband has already begun this process. He has repeatedly said that he’s done with her and that he feels bad that his mom is caught in the middle.
I hate this feeling of not knowing what the outcome will be…sell the house, get along, continue in the same house living separately…??? It’s hard.
Thank you so so much. I am so greatful.“Detach with love” does not mean putting the person out of your life, or at least not always. It means refusing to be a character in a false drama someone else is trying to put on. It is possible to teach other people that you have boundaries in a healthy place, and for them to learn to live with them. They may not like your boundaries, but if you learn to enforce them without a counter-drama, after the initial (inevitable) flak, they can learn to take their drama to someone who will listen to it.
If you haven’t read Melody Beattie’s book, I highly recommend it. I don’t think a person has to be co-dependent in some clinical sense of the term in order to profit from it. After all, aren’t we all in dramas we don’t need to be in sometimes, including dramas of our own making? Read her book, she has some theories that have really helped me.
Yes extremely good advise from LSK I certainly find myself in his position.Thank you for sharing your story. You showed me an angle that I had not thought of. I will wait until my husband is in a good frame of mind and perhaps appeal to his inner hero.
God forbid, what if something happened to his mother!!
As you read it, if you realize that it is the drama queen/king in your life who is the co-dependent, remember this: You can’t “fix” him or her. You can only act in a healthy way around the person yourself, and give the person openings to choose to do the same and validation when they do. The rest is up to them. If you forget that, you’ll get sucked right back into their drama cycle.Thank you so so much. I am so greatful.
Yes, my SIL is a very dramatic individual and she has a tendency to accuse me of scheming over various things. I am not the scheming type at all…in fact, I’m too busy to scheme out anything.As you read it, if you realize that it is the drama queen/king in your life who is the co-dependent, remember this: You can’t “fix” him or her. You can only act in a healthy way around the person yourself, and give the person openings to choose to do the same and validation when they do. The rest is up to them. If you forget that, you’ll get sucked right back into their drama cycle.
When finances allow you and your husband to live a bit further from your in-laws, I’d seriously consider it. In the meantime, at least you can have some peace on your side of the wall by, with God’s help, “accepting the things you cannot change; having the courage to change the things you can, and being given the wisdom to know the difference.”Yes, my SIL is a very dramatic individual and she has a tendency to accuse me of scheming over various things. I am not the scheming type at all…in fact, I’m too busy to scheme out anything.
SIL is unhappy with herself…she is obese, inactive and has unhealthy eating habits, which she tries to share with my daughter and I very much dislike it. My SIL accused me of thinking that she is a bad cook and person and that I am teaching my daughter bad body image. I think that’s completely untrue. I do however, not like it when my SIL feeds my daughter food that is high in fat and lacks nutrition.
Since the fight, my SIL has stopped cooking for my daugther. I am glad that she is not anymore b/c we buy food for our caregiver to cook for my kids.
Yes, I think I’m finally beginning to understand the true meaning of that prayer. I do feel it will be time for me to set important boundaries when my husband and her inevitably patch things up. I need to learn how to set boundaries with her without drama.When finances allow you and your husband to live a bit further from your in-laws, I’d seriously consider it. In the meantime, at least you can have some peace on your side of the wall by, with God’s help, “accepting the things you cannot change; having the courage to change the things you can, and being given the wisdom to know the difference.”
Hang in there!
I think that after you move I would expect her to complain about her new neighbors as if they were your fault, and I think in that place I would feel free to respond by thanking Heaven for getting me out of that building. But that’s just me…I will only live in a “plex” or and apartment again if finances dictate that I need to. Good fences make good neighbors!! When it comes to close relatives, the other side of the same town is not too far to set as a minimum distance, not by any means.Yes, I think I’m finally beginning to understand the true meaning of that prayer. I do feel it will be time for me to set important boundaries when my husband and her inevitably patch things up. I need to learn how to set boundaries with her without drama.
I honestly won’t mind if we sell the house and move. Worse things could happen and I’m a firm believer that we are often hit with blessings in disguise.
This advice is so great. I did a search for family drama (because we’re going through it and are the target for everyone’s sarcasm and criticism right now) and was so happy to find this thread. I will be mentioning this advice to my husband when I get home.As you read it, if you realize that it is the drama queen/king in your life who is the co-dependent, remember this: You can’t “fix” him or her. You can only act in a healthy way around the person yourself, and give the person openings to choose to do the same and validation when they do. The rest is up to them. If you forget that, you’ll get sucked right back into their drama cycle.