How to mend a broken heart?

[FriendlyFace]

Also, I would caution you against comparing your relationship many years ago to a marriage by saying your feelings were “just as deep” as a wife’s feelings. I know it must feel like it, and I do not doubt the intensity of your feelings, but a woman’s husband leaving her is not the same as the end of a dating relationship.
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How on earth would you know how deep my relationship with this man was? Half of married people don’t even like each other enough to stay together, and he was my husband in my heart. But whatever. Clearly you’ve never gone through this because anyone who actually has totally gets it.

 

[FriendlyFace]

Maybe some counseling is needed but I am no medical or psychiatric professional. I would say that finding something else to occupy your mind and keep you busy is the best weapon against the sorrow of lost love. When you have too much time on your hands, you often can wander and think about negative thoughts to the point where it starts to effect your well being. I would suggest keeping busy.

Thanks, I do my best to keep busy. It helps a lot to keep my mind on other things, and I’m trying to get into grad school which should take away any free time I have left, right?

I would also say that this man didn’t want you. Its weird to think about it but this man doesn’t love you and you would be dependent on him if you ever were to somehow get back together with him. He would rule your life and your marriage. You wouldn’t be valued by him but seen as one that he can control and rule. You need someone that will give you love. This man already decided he doesn’t want to do that. I would rather be single than unloved or dependent on another. Love isn’t dependency.

You’re right that he could have a lot of power if he wanted it, but he has never wanted to take advantage of that. He treats me with respect. He’s not a horrible person.

But you are very right. I would not want to be with someone who didn’t love me back. Being alone is far preferable, and I’m perfectly willing to spend my life alone if that’s the cross God wants me to carry.

Thank you for all the advice. I’m just going to keep praying the Rosary as much as I can, and keep doing God’s will as much as I can, and if I meet someone who’s suitable and Catholic and likes me, then I hope I won’t be too foolish to see I’ve struck gold.

 

[Lorelei12]

How on earth would you know how deep my relationship with this man was? Half of married people don’t even like each other enough to stay together, and he was my husband in my heart. But whatever. Clearly you’ve never gone through this because anyone who actually has totally gets it.

No, he was not your “husband in your heart”. I think this may be part of the reason you are having such difficulty letting the past go. A dating relationship is not the same as a sacramental marriage. You are thinking of this man as an ex-husband, when he simply discerned that he did not want to continue the relationship. That is what the purpose of dating is, and why it is a good idea to be prudent both physically and emotionally while dating.

I feel for you; I really do, and I do know what it feels like. It is hard to get over a first love, but I really do think that you need to address the situation by seeking some outside counsel. It has been a very long time, and a therapist might be able to assist you in sorting through your feelings and to implement some healthy coping mechanisms. But you should stop thinking of this man as your husband, and try to accept the fact that the purpose of dating is to discern marriage. This man didn’t do anything wrong by deciding not to continue the relationship, and although it stings, that kind of pain is unfortunately sometimes the nature of the journey in finding a spouse. I pray that you soon find some peace.

 

[marykate2]

Hi everyone,

I’m wondering if you can help me. I’m a 26 year-old woman who has been in love with my ex-boyfriend for three years. I have tried not talking to him for months on end, and not looking him up on facebook or on-line. I never see him face-to-face because he moved far away two years ago. For two years after he dumped me I was convinced God wanted us to marry (don’t ask me why. I’m a fool, and I thought God had told me so. Now I firmly believe I was wrong about that. ) My question is: what are ways I can get over him? I’ve prayed for years to get over him. I’ve dated other people. I’m a member of Ave Maria Singles. I’ve read books on the subject. I’m at my wit’s end. Every time I think I’m over him, I find a few days later that I’m not because I cry my eyes out that I miss him. And whenever I date, I miss him more. I wish I could muster up any interest in someone else because I know there are good Catholic men out there, and I would love to fulfill my vocation to marriage sometime. Anyway, If this is not enough detail, I am happy to answer any questions, and I would be grateful for any advice. It would be such a relief to be free of that man!

It is true that time is the best cure for a broken heart, if other factors aren’t present. As a general rule, it takes about half the time you were dating to get over a breakup (so if you dated for a year, it should take about six months). It’s not a hard and fast rule, but a good gauge of whether your heart is starting to heal in a healthy way, or holding on in an unhealthy way. You should at least not have that heavy feeling of loss.

Three years is a really long time. It sounds like you are holding on to this relationship for some reason, and despite your best efforts, you are unable to detach. I would suggest you go talk to a psychologist to help you process. I did it after a particularly bad breakup, and it helped me tremendously.

 

[peacoat]

I really thought I’ve be over him by now too. I was re-reading this thread to see if there was some advice here that I hadn’t taken advantage of, and I did find it helpful re-reading it.

I’ve switched from praying to get over him to praying that God’s will be done in both of our lives. I’m not sure what God’s will is, but hopefully He’ll have mercy on me eventually. (Maybe even soon?)

Perhaps you should find some therapy in regards to obsessive thoughts…and perhaps co-dependency. I still think about guys I’ve dated from time to time and wonder why not. I got very close to being engaged to a guy. I’m in a new relationship but when my co-workers were talking about wedding plans it made me sad. I really wish I was doing that!!!

My friend has saying. “God never does something for benefit of one only, he does it for the benefit of all the world.” You are more than this man’s ex. You are a benefit to the world…even if it was God’s will you be this man’s wife, and he messed it up, God knew it and will make a even more glorious plan for you.

 

[FriendlyFace]

You know, my sister is a psychologist who knows more about this situation than any of you guys because we’ve talked about it, and she didn’t diagnose me with obsessive anything or compulsive anything or whatever else you guys think I have. I would appreciate it if the amateur psychology would stop. It’s not helpful.

And Lorelei, I know that you think you get it, but it’s quite clear you’ve never been through anything like this. That’s okay. Neither has my sister. That doesn’t mean it’s abnormal. On average people get over people faster than I do. Women especially seem usually not to get this, (maybe because they guard their hearts more?) something I would have been wise to do. But he was my husband in my heart, and although I realize it gives you great joy to contradict me, that doesn’t make you right.

In the words of Shakespeare, “Fare you well. Had you such a loss as I, I could give better comfort than you do.”

And for everyone else, I didn’t really mean to revive this thread. I just wanted to thank people again. If you have helpful advice and have actually gone through this, then I’d appreciate advice that will help me get to the other side. If you just want to diagnose me, and tell me how mistaken I am about how I feel, then please don’t bother. It really is the opposite of helpful.

 

[peacoat]

You know, my sister is a psychologist who knows more about this situation than any of you guys because we’ve talked about it, and she didn’t diagnose me with obsessive anything or compulsive anything or whatever else you guys think I have. I would appreciate it if the amateur psychology would stop. It’s not helpful.

And Lorelei, I know that you think you get it, but it’s quite clear you’ve never been through anything like this. That’s okay. Neither has my sister. That doesn’t mean it’s abnormal. On average people get over people faster than I do. Women especially seem usually not to get this, (maybe because they guard their hearts more?) something I would have been wise to do. But he was my husband in my heart, and although I realize it gives you great joy to contradict me, that doesn’t make you right.

In the words of Shakespeare, “Fare you well. Had you such a loss as I, I could give better comfort than you do.”

And for everyone else, I didn’t really mean to revive this thread. I just wanted to thank people again. If you have helpful advice and have actually gone through this, then I’d appreciate advice that will help me get to the other side. If you just want to diagnose me, and tell me how mistaken I am about how I feel, then please don’t bother. It really is the opposite of helpful.

The first rule of psycology is that family cannot diagnose. So that’s not a valid opion. After 2 years of not doing better you need to find someone else to talk to.

I’m not trying to diagnose you, but only pointing out that you may be suffering unesscarly after 2 years! That’s along time to be hurting over one person.

 

[FriendlyFace]

The first rule of psycology is that family cannot diagnose. So that’s not a valid opion. After 2 years of not doing better you need to find someone else to talk to.

I’m not trying to diagnose you, but only pointing out that you may be suffering unesscarly after 2 years! That’s along time to be hurting over one person.

She would ask me to get help if she thought I needed it. And who says I’m not talking to other people? I do have friends, you know.

Look, everyone has a cross to carry. It’s nice that you want to relieve me of mine, but if I weren’t suffering this, I’d be suffering something else. Such is life. I’d rather be single and missing my ex-boyfriend than a lot of things, frankly. I could be dying of cancer or suffering something else even worse. It’s not the end of the world if I have to carry this cross a couple months or years longer.

Thanks for trying, but the original thread was, “How to mend a broken heart?” not “How to decide that someone is psychologically abnormal without enough information.” If you have advice for getting over people, I’d be glad to hear it.

 

[newlywed8]

It sounds to me after reading the entire thread that you have built him up way to much in your mind. You acknowledge that there are good reasons you would not work as a married couple, but every time you actually describe him you speak about him being so perfect in every other way. This is not helping you. Especially since it probably is not true. People can seem perfect, especially when we are dating, but no one actually is.

You also said that he has moved far away so you never actually see him in person. You have some limited interaction over the internet, but most of your focus on him comes from other people speaking highly of him in your community and you visiting his section of the bookstore. This is only serving to further build him up in your mind as ‘the perfect man’, the ‘one who got away’.

To break free of this hold you have to destroy this perfect image you have. There is a reason women sit down with a box of ice cream and talk **** about their exes after a break up. Can some women be a little over dramatic? yes, but there is a healthy reason they are doing it. We women tend to get very emotionally connected, especially if you did not guard your heart, which it does nto sound like you did. Those ice cream sessions help women stop associating fantasies of perfection and infatuation with their ex paramour and start associating negative emotions. This helps them break off the relationship in their heats so they can heal.

You need to do this. You need to think about all the times you got angry at him and why. Remember his personal imperfections. And as much as it hurts, remember that he rejected you! And get angry about it! You deserve much much better!

You should also look into doing other activities to help you build up your self esteem. Perhaps a kick boxing class? It can help you get in shape and take out frustrations. When you feel more confident, it will be easier to see that you deserve better than how this man treated you and therefore easier to let go of your fantisies. ANd remember that is all they are, dreams. They were never, and never will be, reality.

 

[FriendlyFace]

You need to do this. You need to think about all the times you got angry at him and why. Remember his personal imperfections. And as much as it hurts, remember that he rejected you! And get angry about it! You deserve much much better!

You should also look into doing other activities to help you build up your self esteem. Perhaps a kick boxing class? It can help you get in shape and take out frustrations. When you feel more confident, it will be easier to see that you deserve better than how this man treated you and therefore easier to let go of your fantisies. ANd remember that is all they are, dreams. They were never, and never will be, reality.

I can see how you might have gotten the impression that I think he’s perfect from this thread. I don’t. He’s a workaholic. He has questionable and inconsistent morals. He can definitely be self-absorbed/selfish. He has an annoying habit of ignoring people’s calls/messages. (And I’m not talking about me. I haven’t contacted him for a while. It’s part of the workaholic thing. He does it to everyone. And I’m not saying that makes it okay.) It’s true that I’m fond of him, but I don’t think he’s perfect.

Thank you, though. I think your advice is good. I guess I could try to be more negative about him, and I have been thinking about taking up martial arts of some kind, like krav maga. I’ve tried being negative about him before but not whole lot. And unfortunately I can’t eat ice cream.

Thanks again.

 

[FriendlyFace]

God bless you for sharing your story, I know there are many people that can relate and hopefully while finding spiritual help for yourself you will also be helping others.

I certainly hope so for all those things.

The world can sometimes be very dismissive of boyfriend-break-ups because sadly we life in a hook-up culture and it’s not supposed to matter. I know first hand the deep grief of lost relationships and they are very hard. People dismiss teenagers too when they fall in love and call it “puppy love” but it is far from that. Even young teens get wrapped up in relationships and find it hard to move on, adults are not much different. I have gone through very deep grief, please be assured of my prayers. There is so much that goes on when the relationship ends and it’s not all about HIM. There is grieving on several levels. I remember going through this a few times. I grieved deeply for my ex-boyfriends but I also felt sad for the time I thought I wasted, I felt foolish, I felt unloved, I felt worried I would never have children, I felt I would be alone for a long time. So you see much of the grief you are feeling may not just be about him but about yourself and your life. When one of my relationships ended I was so sad because I had always thought I would have been married and had children by that age, all my friends were getting married and I felt very alone. Don’t beat up on yourself too much for the grief you are feeling, a lot of it may not just be for him but a grief for the life that you hoped for and that life is now lost.

There is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote. It really seems like it’s easy for people to be dismissive about heartbreak nowadays and I certainly have grieved a certain amount about my life. I thought I’d be married by now. I don’t feel as certain as I used to that I’ll have kids. It’s hard not knowing.

You didn’t mention whether or not you had intimate relations with him, and I won’t ask you if you did since it’s none of my business. What I can say is that if you did it only makes the grief that more painful and the bond you felt for him that much more deep. There is a reason God wants us to wait for marriage he is very smart about his plans.

Yes, God knows what He’s doing, that’s for sure.

I know people that have had feelings for ex-boyfriends for years. The problem here for you as I see it is how much does it interfere with your everyday life? Are you miserable much of the time? Do you spend hours crying and ruminating over his memory? Do you find it difficult to concentrate and are you still deeply depressed several years later? If so then I agree with others that you should see your physician or call a priest or Catholic Charities for help. However, if you are functioning for the most part, working and have friends and hobbies and are taking good care of yourself then I would say you are doing great! Having feelings for a lost love is normal, and if this is you then you are normal. Hurting of course but normal nonetheless.

I think I fall into the latter category. I almost never cry anymore, and I have a life. I’m in love with him, but I try not to think about him all the time. It doesn’t give me any joy to do so.

Part of this also could be a spiritual attack and you may have to approach it from that angle as well. Remember satan hates you and wants you to be miserable and lonely. satan wants you to regret the relationship and chase after lost dreams. satan wants you to feel ugly about your complexion and your skin and feel as if no one else will ever love you again ever. When feelings about him overwhelm you bless yourself with a little Holy Water and simply say “Jesus be with me” and he will be.

I will have to try that. I think you may be right about this.

I don’t think there is much more then I can offer you. Other then when you feel feelings for him just stop and feel them and move through them instead of trying to avoid them, that helped me a lot. Also pray for your own heart to be open to other relationships. You are a beloved child of God. You are his little girl! Jesus loves you and even though he may have given you this cross, I know also that he does not want us to suffer needlessly. He has a plan for you, a plan for joy! I wish you peace, God bless you.

Thank you, Monica. I found your message very touching, and you gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for writing this post. I don’t know if my story will help anyone, but this post is packed with a lot of good advice that I feel certain will help me and others a great deal. Thank you, thank you, thank you and God bless!

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Sometimes we can’t let go,because by doing so we will be letting go of them forever.
Missing them is all we have, so we continue to pine for what we think we had. I wrote we think we had, because if it was what we long for, it wouldn’t be gone.

 

[StarOfTheSea83]

I suffered for some time after a devastating breakup with a boyfriend of several years who I fully believed I would eventually marry. It was indescribably hard, really, to accept the reality that ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ and that God had other plans for me. For a long time, I couldn’t believe or accept God did have another plan for me. I did make a conscious decision to avoid him completely, including never contacting him or looking anything up about him, and if a thought of him entered my mind I would distract myself immediately with something else. It wasn’t easy, but I stuck to it religiously almost.

Getting over it took me a year, so not as long as you’ve been dealing with this, but I just remember one day I felt something very peculiar. I can only describe it as Grace, really. It seemed to wash over me and I finally heard a voice telling me to move forward and onwards. I did and never looked back.

Actually, shortly before I got married, this former boyfriend got in touch with me after several five years of us not communicating. He apologized for everything. I’m not sure his motives in contacting me, but I responded by telling him of my plans to marry and leaving the email in such a way that it didn’t require any response on his part. I didn’t /don’t think it is appropriate to maintain communications with a former boyfriend like this.

For all I suffered, which was tremendously (and yes, I agree–there is indeed a reason God wants us to reserve sexual intimacy for marriage), I can now see that all this happened to bring me closer to God and to marrying the man who would be my future husband.

I would agree with other posters that if you continue to feel this way going forward, it may be a good idea to speak with someone (a psychologist or priest) because it may tie into self-esteem issues that should be addressed. I’m not by any means trying to diagnose you with anything, but speaking from my own experience.

I will keep you in my prayers. Stay strong. Fight this honestly and with all your heart, and God’s grace will let you overcome. Look forward, always.
God bless you!