How to mend a broken heart?

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FriendlyFace

It is a process girl and it takes a long time but eventually once the PITY PARTY is over you are going to look back and say did I really cry over this person, did I really spend so much time and energy on him. I was with my ex husband for 13yrs we were both 19yrs old when we met. I thought he was the one. My soulmate the persont that I am going to spend the rest of my life with and get old and grey. Shame poor me found out quick and fast that it was my fantasy. He was abusive both physically and emotionally. We had 2 kids and 5 yrs ago he met a 19yr old girl got her pregnant and I kicked him to the curb.

Anyway I cried my eyes out, I had a breakdown, I took an overdose (Yes idiot me did a foolish thing like that. Took tablets wanted to die), He even tried to come back last year and idiot me gave him another chance. Thinking it was best for the kids. And he messed up yet again. But now that I think about it he was just not worth it. He could be the sweetest, kindest, loving, caring person but then he could also be the devil in disguise.

I used to write threads here. I even left the Catholic Church and went to join the Born Again Church. I was so angry as the church I went to did not give me the support I needed. I was even angry with God for a long time. But I am back in the Catholic Church had no choice the kids made me go back as they wanted to attend Catechism Classes.

I was so miserable that I look back now and say what was I thinking. Did I really waste 5 yrs crying over spilt milk. Then stupid me yet again went and fell in love with someone. Thinking yet again that maybe this time around things would be different. Shame I woke up 3 months later. Now I think to myself how I cried and was feeling sorry for myself. Saying God does not want me to have a man maybe I am meant to be alone. And so on and so on. Not sure if you saw that movie THE HOLIDAY with Cameron Diaz and how the other chick cried her eyes out when she found out that her boyfriend was getting married to someone else.

But the moral of the story is that eventually it does stop hurting. Allow yourself to go through all the emotions. If you want to cry then cry, scream, shout, vent do whatever you have to do. Go through the emotion of the PITY PARTY whereby you are feeling sorry for yourself. There will be very good days and there will be very dark bad days. But one thing you should always remember that people are sent into our life for a reason, season or lifetime. Maybe you were meant to be with that guy at that particular time. But now that time it up you gave him 3 years of your life. There is a part of you that knows that things will never work out. He is not catholic that is a big issue, He does not want children that is also an issue.

Goodluck and take your time. Heal yourself and get over this guy first before going into another relationship. And stop looking for someone like him in other men. Everyone is different in their own way.
 
I dont think you ever get over your first love. I am a married woman, and i have to say I dont cry over my first love I mean its been over 10 years!!! Still I do think about him every now and then. Not romaticly though…I wish him well. My husband is the love of my life and is my best friend but you will always remember that first person who made you feel so special that you felt like you floated on air. I think if you have anything that remind you of him to get rid of it. I dont have anything that my first love gave me…actually I dont even know what ever happend to them!!! LOL but the only things I have are my sweet memeories of him . I know he is now married and that he has kids. Ive bumped into him many times. We live in a small city. Still, I wish him well, I never wish I had married him. Its just the love I have for him now is has evolved to a good friend kind of love. Nothing more. One day, you will see this and when you find that ONE PERFECT man for YOU…you will see that he will replace your dreams with this other guy and you wont look back!
 
I think one of the best things you can do is to try not to get over him.

I had a crush on one of my good friends for over a year and a half and he did not like me back. I was heartbroken that it could never work out and I was always confused as to why I was still liking him and why I couldn’t get over him even though my rational mind knew that he wouldn’t change his mind about me.

What you need to realize is that you have a very strong God-given desire to be loved by a man. Luke 11:8 says, “I tell you, if he does not get up to give him the loaves because of their friendship, he will get up to give him whatever he needs because of his persistence.” That is part of this Sunday’s gospel and I recommend that you reflect on the whole thing (Luke 11:1-13). Be persistent with the Lord and ask Him why you are not going to marry this man. Demand an answer that your heart will understand and the Lord will give it to you. Be persistent and never give up. Our God is a God of clarity, not of vagueness. Satan thrives in the vague because the vague is where we become lost. But the Lord in His goodness will not leave us abandoned or confused.

Also, offer your suffering to the Lord and He will make it fruitful.
 
No advice for you, FriendlyFace, 'cause I haven’t figured that out, either, but and Ave for you.
 
Grief recovery is a much neglected growth process. We live in a world that teaches us how to acquire things, careers, relationships and personal belongings. But that same world offers little or no information, on how to cope, when important aspects of our life are lost to us.

Most often we hear that time is the greatest healer and we agree. However some people go through years of pain and suffering and do not heal from their loss. Grief recovery takes hard work. When someone breaks a leg, they don’t expect time to heal that leg. They see a doctor who takes action to help the leg mend correctly. There are also steps/actions that can be taken to mend a broken heart and recover from grief. We don’t expect to walk properly until our broken leg has healed. Should we enter into a new relationship until we have healed from the loss of a previous one?

Seek out literature on the subject or join a support group where people have been trained to help you get to the other side. Seek out a healing ministry where others will pray for your specific needs. God is the One who provides the healing, but he has provided much needed support to those who seek it. Blessings.
 
Maybe what might work for you is to make an honest list of everything you are looking for in a man and see if your ex-boyfriend really met all of those - don’t be easy on him! Also, I definitely recommend asking St. Anthony of Padua to help you find that perfect man. I am forever grateful to him for helping me to find my fiance! If marriage is truly your vocation, I’m sure God will give you a man to keep you company for the rest of your life if you just ask for him. …Ask and you shall receive… In other words, prayer works, so keep it up. Depend completely on God and everything will be ok!

I really hope everything works out for you - I’m sure it will though; I will say a prayer for you!
Good Luck!
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful advice. I have taken it to heart and I would have written sooner, but I have come to the conclusion that this is not a very safe site to post on because one of my friends was mistreated by one of the moderators here. I don’t want to post on a site where I don’t feel safe, so I probably won’t post here again. However, I really am grateful to all of you for your kindness. Take care.
 
FriendlyFace said:
Thank you all for your thoughtful advice. I have taken it to heart and I would have written sooner, but I have come to the conclusion that this is not a very safe site to post on because one of my friends was mistreated by one of the moderators here. I don’t want to post on a site where I don’t feel safe, so I probably won’t post here again. However, I really am grateful to all of you for your kindness. Take care.
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Based on my personal experiences, I feel strongly that you will be hard pressed to find a site that is “safer” to post on, better managed and highly monitored than Catholic Answers. It’s important to form opinions based on our own experiences, as opposed to someone else’s. Blessings.
 
Chochy said:
Based on my personal experiences, I feel strongly that you will be hard pressed to find a site that is “safer” to post on, better managed and highly monitored than Catholic Answers. ** It’s important to form opinions based on our own experiences, as opposed to someone else’s.** Blessings.
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I don’t see why. It seems like learning from other people’s experiences is the way of less suffering, and if something could happen to my friend, it could happen to me. At any rate, I don’t feel safe here, so I don’t want to post here anymore. Totally my decision.
 
I just reread this entire thread. Thank you again for all of the supportive replies. 👍
 
I really thought I’ve be over him by now too. I was re-reading this thread to see if there was some advice here that I hadn’t taken advantage of, and I did find it helpful re-reading it.

I’ve switched from praying to get over him to praying that God’s will be done in both of our lives. I’m not sure what God’s will is, but hopefully He’ll have mercy on me eventually. (Maybe even soon?)
 
FriendlyFace said:
I really thought I’ve be over him by now too. I was re-reading this thread to see if there was some advice here that I hadn’t taken advantage of, and I did find it helpful re-reading it.

I’ve switched from praying to get over him to praying that God’s will be done in both of our lives. I’m not sure what God’s will is, but hopefully He’ll have mercy on me eventually. (Maybe even soon?)
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the minute you go to him and lovingly tell him you’re sorry for hurting him, then you are forgiven at that instant
of course, perhaps he is trying to provoke some sort of action out of you (no doubt to get closer to him) and that is why your feelings are still unclear
 
waitingforHim said:
the minute you go to him and lovingly tell him you’re sorry for hurting him, then you are forgiven at that instant
of course, perhaps he is trying to provoke some sort of action out of you (no doubt to get closer to him) and that is why your feelings are still unclear
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I realize that God has forgiven me for my sins. I go to confession regularly. 👍 That doesn’t, however, stop me from dealing with the temporal consequences of my sins. And all Christians have to take up their crosses to follow Jesus. Even the Blessed Virgin Mary suffered a great deal and she never did anything to deserve it, though she did provide a wonderful example for the rest of us to follow! ❤️

I’m not sure why you think my feelings are unclear. I love this guy a lot, and whenever I pray at adoration, I feel like God is telling me that he wants me to marry this guy. My feelings are totally clear. What isn’t clear to me is whether it’s actually God telling me this or my own crazy love-addled brain…
 
FriendlyFace said:
I realize that God has forgiven me for my sins. I go to confession regularly. 👍 That doesn’t, however, stop me from dealing with the temporal consequences of my sins. And all Christians have to take up their crosses to follow Jesus. Even the Blessed Virgin Mary suffered a great deal and she never did anything to deserve it, though she did provide a wonderful example for the rest of us to follow! ❤️

I’m not sure why you think my feelings are unclear. I love this guy a lot, and whenever I pray at adoration, I feel like God is telling me that he wants me to marry this guy. My feelings are totally clear. What isn’t clear to me is whether it’s actually God telling me this or my own crazy love-addled brain…
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Unfortunately I think it’s your obsession. God would not steer you toward someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Why would you think that God would want you to marry a man who is not Catholic, nor does he want children??? I would get some counseling at this point. In 2.5 - 3 years, you should have moved on.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Unfortunately I think it’s your obsession. God would not steer you toward someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Why would you think that God would want you to marry a man who is not Catholic, nor does he want children??? I would get some counseling at this point. In 2.5 - 3 years, you should have moved on.
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I’ve wanted to get counseling for awhile, but I have extreme anxiety and very little money. Mostly the former has held me back. Plus I went to therapy when I was younger and it didn’t help at all, so that discourages me too.

I don’t think God wants me to marry a man who isn’t Catholic (well, technically he is, but he’s not practicing, so that’s why I wouldn’t describe him as Catholic…) and who doesn’t want children. I was just making the point that my feelings aren’t the thing that is unclear. And my priest and many other people have told me to discern God’s will through prayer at Adoration, so I’ve tried. That’s all. As I pointed out, I don’t think I’m right, but that is what I’ve discerned doing what my priest told me to do. :mad:

Saying I “should” have gotten over him is not particularly helpful. People grieve at their own paces. If a woman’s husband dumped her and ran off would you say she should have gotten over it in 2.5 to 3 years? I doubt it. And my feelings for him were just as deep as any wife’s feelings.

Thank you for trying though. Married people are almost never helpful on this topic because it’s all so simple for them. But I am not an attractive woman-- I have extreme cystic acne all over my face which ruins my looks and is pretty obvious even if I cover it with make up. It’s very rare for guys to pay me any attention at all. So going out and dating doesn’t help because I get rejected over and over again which really just aggravates my feelings of loss for one of the only times in my whole life when a guy has liked me back and didn’t mind my acne. It’s probably easier for women who are in demand and who get lots of male attention. But I wouldn’t know.
 
FriendlyFace said:
Saying I “should” have gotten over him is not particularly helpful. People grieve at their own paces. If a woman’s husband dumped her and ran off would you say she should have gotten over it in 2.5 to 3 years? I doubt it. And my feelings for him were just as deep as any wife’s feelings.
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Am I understanding correctly that it hasn’t been 3 years, but more like 5? I am sorry that you are still not over this man, but it does sound like it has gone on much too long. I would say that a person with healthy coping mechanisms would have been able to move on after this much time, and the fact that you have not been able to suggests that you should be seeking help if it has truly taken over your life in this way. You may want to try contacting Catholic Charities, who can work with you and your budget and help you arrange to see a therapist. Also, I would caution you against comparing your relationship many years ago to a marriage by saying your feelings were “just as deep” as a wife’s feelings. I know it must feel like it, and I do not doubt the intensity of your feelings, but a woman’s husband leaving her is not the same as the end of a dating relationship.
FriendlyFace said:
Married people are almost never helpful on this topic because it’s all so simple for them.
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Remember that many of us “married people” also went through heartbreaks of our own. We know what it feels like. We successfully moved on, and you can too. You may need some help doing so, and I’d encourage you to seek it out.
 
Five years is a bit long to still be grieving over him. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if this man was the first love this woman had. You never forget the first love and it can be hard to move on from your first love until you are able to see that there are many fish in the sea.

I think this is particularly emphasized when you have people that struggle to begin with to find someone or have low self esteem. When you break up, it can feel as if you missed your one and only chance to find someone when in fact there are opportunities out there.

Maybe some counseling is needed but I am no medical or psychiatric professional. I would say that finding something else to occupy your mind and keep you busy is the best weapon against the sorrow of lost love. When you have too much time on your hands, you often can wander and think about negative thoughts to the point where it starts to effect your well being. I would suggest keeping busy.

I would also say that this man didn’t want you. Its weird to think about it but this man doesn’t love you and you would be dependent on him if you ever were to somehow get back together with him. He would rule your life and your marriage. You wouldn’t be valued by him but seen as one that he can control and rule. You need someone that will give you love. This man already decided he doesn’t want to do that. I would rather be single than unloved or dependent on another. Love isn’t dependency.
 
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