How to move on?

[newbetx]

Thanks GraceDK, that’s really good advice.

The only problem I have is, if I make a point of perfecting Agape love, then I find myself not wanting a woman at all, but wanting to be perfect instead, wanting that ultimate long-distance relationship with the Heavenly spouse…

Then I come back down, and have to wrestle with the idea that I’m attracted to women, and they are rarely the women I see in my church. That doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be a woman who is a devout Catholic who I would be attracted to, but just that I know that some of the things that attract me are not particularly edifying character traits, I’m not talking about being sexually permissive, just not being the kind of woman who can hold her own in a discussion rather than deferring out of humility, the kind of woman who doesn’t mind going out dancing till late sometimes, and who would faint if somebody told a dirty joke.

As for the comment about eros and agape, I realise that the two should both be part of a relationship, but according to my priest, and if I understand JPII’s “love and responsibility” correctly, in a good Catholic marriage, Agape should come first, and Eros develops out of that, otherwise the Eros warps the Agape into something that it shouldn’t be.

Problem is, if I focus on Agape, it doesn’t lead me into wanting a relationship, it leads me towards wanting to be a hermit or a lay brother, that’s where I feel I can best give of myself to God, yet the Eros is clearly still there somewhere inside me. What to do?

I’m sure you are hurting. And please don’t think of yourself as “damaged goods”. I found a wonderful woman to complete my life and we both were not virgins. I was far from it.

If you don’t mind me saying so, I think you are trying too hard. I see you have a good understanding of the differences in feelings one can have toward another person. This is great. But it’s like you are “going for the gold ring” all the time in you mind. It isn’t bad for you to take a break, find friends, find God. You may feel that you’ve lost a big part of yourself. You need to find the time to heal. Focus on your other interests for a while. God and Love are patient. We are called to be the same.

Oh, and I was looking for a woman similar to what you describe…but you know what? God sent me one that was even better! She won’t faint at an off-color joke… she usually does not get them.

I suggest you find God, find peace, find friends. The rest will come naturally after that.

Peace!

 

[DL82]

I’m sure you are hurting. And please don’t think of yourself as “damaged goods”. I found a wonderful woman to complete my life and we both were not virgins. I was far from it.

If you don’t mind me saying so, I think you are trying too hard. I see you have a good understanding of the differences in feelings one can have toward another person. This is great. But it’s like you are “going for the gold ring” all the time in you mind. It isn’t bad for you to take a break, find friends, find God. You may feel that you’ve lost a big part of yourself. You need to find the time to heal. Focus on your other interests for a while. God and Love are patient. We are called to be the same.

Oh, and I was looking for a woman similar to what you describe…but you know what? God sent me one that was even better! She won’t faint at an off-color joke… she usually does not get them.

I suggest you find God, find peace, find friends. The rest will come naturally after that.

Peace!

Thanks for that. Truth is, I don’t really have any other interests. I kinda put my life on hold when I was engaged because I was getting ready to emigrate, so couldn’t make any commitments and didn’t want to get attached.

I don’t know whether I want to get back into any attachments, apart from to Church and some voluntary work, and to my studies, which I’ve started since the relationship ended. I quite like the idea of being attached to nothing except Christ, it feels like that way I’ll be more ready for my next relationship or for making the transition into Religious or consecrated life. At the same time, it’s difficult to move on this way.