How to Move On?

[broncosfan25]

First time poster. Sorry if I’m a bit long-winded, but I’ve got a lot on my mind right now…

A few weeks ago my girlfriend of about four months broke up with me. I will be studying abroad in Scotland this semester, and she told me that she felt she was too busy for a long distance relationship. While she is certainly a very active person (Division I athlete, engineering honors student, one of the leaders in the Christian group at our university) and I was not exactly looking forward to an eight hour time difference myself, I suspect there is more to it than that. She is a very deliberate and conscientious person and I know that she did not make this decision without a lot of thought. Reading between the lines a little bit, I think she has decided that I am not her future spouse, and she does not want to lead me on any further. I respect her for that.

So far, though, I’m finding it very difficult to accept the end of this relationship. We’ve been good friends since meeting almost two years ago. We share many of the same interests – all things outdoors (especially running), card games, Disney movies, nerdy jokes, and so much more. I’m a bit of an introvert, but I can comfortably make conversation with her for hours. When we finally started dating this spring, it surprised very few of our friends, I think.

We never had a single fight during the four months we dated. Things were a little bit awkward at the very beginning (neither of us had dated seriously before) but his phase passed quickly. She seemed to really enjoy the time we spent together and I certainly did too. This summer, we had internships in cities that were about two hours apart. Despite this slight obstacle, I felt we were growing closer and closer. We kept in good contact and I made the trip to visit her about every two weeks (I had a car; she didn’t). Our breakup seemed to come completely out of left field. During my last trip to visit her before I left the area, we went to Church, went for a run, made lunch together – and THEN she decided to break the news to me. This a week after she had woken up at four in the morning to cheer me on during my first marathon, and mere hours after she had introduced me to one of her friends as her boyfriend.

The voice of reason in my head tells me that things worked out for the best – that I was able to experience a healthy, God-centered romantic relationship, but that we just weren’t meant to be, and that it’s better to find out now than to try to juggle a stressful international relationship and then find out that she’s just not that into me. Still, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to move on. This woman has it all – she’s extremely generous, amazingly talented yet genuinely humble, incredibly smart, beautiful in every sense of the word, and lives a life centered in Christ. I’ve never met anyone like her and it’s hard for me to believe that I ever will. I think about her all the time and I can’t help but entertain thoughts that she might change her mind someday. I really want to remain friends with her (part of the reason I waited so long in pursuing this relationship was that I was worried about harming our friendship), but I also feel that the small amount of contact we have had in the time since we split up has only served to keep the wound fresh.

Anyway, any advice from others in the community? I’m sure some of you have experienced something similar…

 

[Trishie]

I imagine she found it hard to break the news to you, but if she has found someone else, then you are the one who is feeling this break-up most acutely and painfully.
I’m sad that you’re going through this loss of a relationship regarding which you felt so confident and hopeful. You are grieving the loss of the future together that you felt was perfect for you
I don’t see a solution regarding her decision as of course she’s free to make the choice, but I’ll keep you in my prayers as you go through this rough time in addition to the challenges of studying far from home.

 

[mountee]

The loss of someone we care about from our lives is always difficult, especially when we don’t want the relationship to end. I have had to deal with this recently myself and it isn’t easy. When I remember the loss it hurts, but also have a lot of tools to help me deal with it and the main one is this, pray. Pray immediately for your friend, ask God to protect them and support them in everything they do. Ask God to help you move on, to help you be strong. I will do the same for you. God bless you heart with peace.

 

[sedonaman]

…
A few weeks ago my girlfriend of about four months broke up with me. …etc.

Almost the exact same thing happened to me. You went with a girl only four months? I went with mine for two years. We still exchanged Christmas cards after she broke off. Eventually, I met my to-be wife through the Catholic Alumni Club. In my last card to my ex-girl friend I informed her of my engagement. She explained in hers that at the time of our breakup, she was not ready for marriage. She didn’t explain why. The hurt of breaking up was doubly difficult because I knew her mother wanted her to marry me.

Life is full of disappointments. It has been said that when God closes a door in your life, he opens another. I believe this is true; you just have to find it. You probably will never find out why she broke of with you; but, as difficult as it will be, you are just going to have to accept it and move on by remaining active and meeting new friends. Since I was in an occupation dominated exclusively by men, the workplace was no place for me to find eligible women [it’s not a good idea anyway because if the personal relationship fails, it ruins the working relationship]. Therefore, I concluded that I had to go outside my immediate area in order to increase my odds of meeting someone. You seem to be a religious fellow, so I would advise that you avail your self of the various Catholic singles clubs in your area. Good luck, and God bless.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Going abroad will help. You will meet new people, explore a new city, be busy with university coursework. If you want to move on than don’t stay in touch with her (at least don’t contact hernregularly). Time heals all wounds.

Good luck in Scotland! I went to study there for a year and ended up staying for 9 Lovely place.

 

[aicirt]

Sorry about the break-up. Loss of a relationship can be like mourning a death.

You are obviously an intelligent, spiritual, motivated young man who very soon will be off on a wonderful experience living abroad. Being free from any commitments will allow you to say “yes” to dates and extend those invitations to fellow Americans who are also anxious being alone in a foreign country.

Seize the day!! You will be forming new relationships. You will be a new person when you return four months from now. Don’t let this stop you from having a great experience.

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome to CAF! I wish it were under more favorable circumstances.

I know how you feel. My first serious relationship was also four months and I didn’t understand why she broke it off either.

Sedonaman is right. You may never know exactly what her reasons were. No amount of sitting alone and thinking about every detail to figure out what went wrong is going to change that. I’m also an introvert and I tend towards introspection, so I understand the inclination to want to analyze and figure it all out. But that’s not where peace comes from. Peace comes from God.

As difficult as it it, you have to focus on looking forward, not backward. Look at this coming semester in Scotland as a God-given opportunity to do exactly that. Sometimes putting physical distance between you and the situation can greatly facilitate moving forward.

From my own experience and the experience of those I have known, staying friends after a breakup is very difficult. If that is something you both want (and you obviously cannot force it if she’s simply not interested), I think it’s necessary to lay out some ground rules, the first of which I would say is no contact at all for the first month or so (no phone calls, email, facebook, etc.). If you’re still hanging out all the time, it makes it difficult to move on. Fortunately, you’re going abroad, so that sort of makes it easy for you to do that.

I would also encourage you to close the door on the relationship. Entertaining thoughts of “maybe someday” is a path towards madness. Even if it were true that you would end up getting back together, reflecting on that possibility is not what you need right now. My wife and I went on a couple dates a few years before we started dating more seriously (and eventually getting married). After the first time, I closed the door and actually made the active decision not to even consider dating anyone for 8 months. It was a great time for me spiritually. Eventually (under a much different set of circumstances) God opened that door again. But I would have been in pretty poor shape if I never let go of her the first time. I wouldn’t have matured enough to have been able to be that guy for her the second time around.

God works all things together for good for those who love him. Focus on being your own man for awhile. And, of course, keep praying. Pray every day. Go to daily Mass. Go to Confession twice a month. You’re a young, single guy. You’re never going to have more time to do such things than right now. Take advantage of it.

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless!

 

[Kenny_Kamel]

First off, how old are you and how old is she? I presume you’re both in your early 20’s if you are studying abroad and she is a Div1 athelete. Second, you’ll only be gone for a semester and she probably will be to busy to keep up with you while you’re overseas due to the time difference. She’s not gone, nothing is over, it sounds like she just wants some distance from you until you come back. In fact she sounds like an incredibly considerate person and based on all her qualities you spoke of she’ll probably think of you every day until you do in fact return.

I’m 30 and I cannot begin to think of all the situations with girls over the past decade where I counted myself out quite foolishly. One of my best young lady friends that I had dated was a Finnish student intern who after she left America to go back to Finland, well I thought I would never see or hear from her again. While I still think her to be one of the best ladies I’ve ever met and would never find anyone equal, things changed a little over a year later. We still remain in contact but since I’ve come across two young ladies that are at least her equal and both certainly have fit better in my life.

Don’t ever think any lady friend is definitively “the ONE” who will not be surpassed by any other, God has a way of smashing you with a holy 2-by-4 to help you see that there are SOOOOOO many others out there. You’ll know who “the ONE” is when you’re at the Altar