How to not hurt feelings when choosing a confirmation sponsor

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whatevergirl

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*I am hoping for some CAF advice here. My dd will be beginning her confirmation classes soon (yay!:)) and tonight, as I was cleaning up the dishes from dinner, I started thinking about who she should ask to be a sponsor. My immdiate thought was one of my sister in laws, who is a devout Catholic. When we lived in PA, my son chose one of my dh’s brothers…there are not that many on my husband’s side who practice the faith, and he and his wife are very devout. Ok. Well…:o We live in FL now, as many of you know, and my sister lives about 4 hours from here. She goes to mass relatively regularly, but she has been dating men, and she is legally divorced. She never sought out the annulment process. She also puts down our faith believe it or not, without going into details, I have had words with her about doing that.

So…what is my question…well, she may wonder, why she wasn’t selected to be dd’s sponsor. She knows the faith very well…she went to Catholic schools during her upbringing…and so, she "should’’ know that you have to be a practicing Catholic to be a sponsor.

That said…in my heart of hearts, I prefer my sister in law to be my dd’s sponsor. I might be making a lot out of nothing since I haven’t even brought this up to anyone yet…and we are 8 months away from dd being confirmed. But, I can’t see choosing my sister, not at this point.

So…should I say nothing to my sister, just ask our sister in law…OR…what? I ask, because of course, we are intending to have a small party for my dd next year and my sister will be there. My sister is very sensitive to these things.

Your thoughts are appreciated, and any family stories of your own that you can share, would help, too. Thanks! 👋*
 
I think my real question is…how do you tactfully tell someone that you are selecting someone else to be your child’s confirmation sponsor (if asked, of course)? I am pretty tactful, but if my sister were to ask, I would have to tell her the reasons…but she should know the reasons. lol 🤷
 
whatevergirl said:
I think my real question is…how do you tactfully tell someone that you are selecting someone else to be your child’s confirmation sponsor (if asked, of course)? I am pretty tactful, but if my sister were to ask, I would have to tell her the reasons…but she should know the reasons. lol 🤷
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Honesty is the best policy. Tell her that the parish requires (and this should be the case; I know that in mine, it is) that the sponsors be practicing Catholics in good standing with the Church. Because you say your sister “knows” the Faith, she really should know better and seek to reconcile with the Church. The sponsor also needs to be a good role model for your daughter. Inasmuch as you love your sister, from what little you’ve posted, that may not be the case (just yet) as I see it.
 
benedictgal said:
Honesty is the best policy. Tell her that the parish requires (and this should be the case; I know that in mine, it is) that the sponsors be practicing Catholics in good standing with the Church. Because you say your sister “knows” the Faith, she really should know better and seek to reconcile with the Church. The sponsor also needs to be a good role model for your daughter. Inasmuch as you love your sister, from what little you’ve posted, that may not be the case (just yet) as I see it.
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*Yes, this is as I see it, too. I pray for her to reconcile fully…we are all sinners certainly, but there are certain things one needs to do to be fully united with Church teachings, and she isn’t. And I don’t think that she is interested in the annulment process, I don’t know why. I keep praying for her though. Thx for your thoughts, here. *
 
Isn’t it the confirmand’s perogative to choose his/her own sponsor?
 
bpbasilphx said:
Isn’t it the confirmand’s perogative to choose his/her own sponsor?
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A quick reading the canons certainly seems to say that. Parents come second.

Can. 893 §1. To perform the function of sponsor, a person must fulfill the conditions mentioned in ⇒ can. 874.
§2. It is desirable to choose as sponsor the one who undertook the same function in baptism.

Can. 874 §1. To be permitted to take on the function of sponsor a person must:
be designated by the one to be baptized, by the parents or the person who takes their place, or in their absence by the pastor or minister and have the aptitude and intention of fulfilling this function.
 
This should be your daughter’s choice…

Remember, the sponsor does not have to be in the same town, city or ever country. Someone can stand proxy for them if they cannot travel to the Confirmation.

Let her know that the person must be a practicing Catholic of the correct age, somene who she sees as a great example of her Faith, someone she will be comfortable going to with questions or concerns - it is great if this can be one of her Godparents.

She is a smart girl - suggest she pray about it.
 
kage_ar said:
This should be your daughter’s choice…

Remember, the sponsor does not have to be in the same town, city or ever country. Someone can stand proxy for them if they cannot travel to the Confirmation.

Let her know that the person must be a practicing Catholic of the correct age, somene who she sees as a great example of her Faith, someone she will be comfortable going to with questions or concerns - it is great if this can be one of her Godparents.

She is a smart girl - suggest she pray about it.
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I agree that it should be the daughter’s choice; however, if the proposed sponsor is not a Catholic in good standing, then there will be a problem. I have seen this happen many times. In my old parish in Austin, the son of a friend of mine got upset because he could not choose a Jewish man as his confirmation sponsor. The man was a good man, but, because he was not a practicing Catholic, he, canonically-speaking, could not be the boy’s sponsor.

Has the parish not gone over the requirements with the kids?
 
In our parish (and I think our diocese since all the parishes around here have the same requirement) a letter of recommendation from the prospective sponsor’s pastor is required to make sure that the sponsor meets the criteria of canon law that the other posters have cited. Our pastors are very strict about this. Our former pastor would not give recommendation to a person if his or her teenaged children were not either in CCD or a Catholic high school, if they were not homeschooled. If your sister-in-law is dating while she is still married in the eyes of God and of HIs Church, you wouldn’t want to embarrass her by putting her in the position of being denied this recommendation by her pastor. Sometimes the fact the a person could not serve as a godparent for baptism or a sponsor for confirmation has been the final push to help them straighten out their situation with the Lord and His Church. Maybe this might be the case with your sister-in-law.
 
kage_ar said:
This should be your daughter’s choice…

Remember, the sponsor does not have to be in the same town, city or ever country. Someone can stand proxy for them if they cannot travel to the Confirmation.

Let her know that the person must be a practicing Catholic of the correct age, somene who she sees as a great example of her Faith, someone she will be comfortable going to with questions or concerns - it is great if this can be one of her Godparents.

She is a smart girl - suggest she pray about it.
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The parents can present their own child for Confirmation if the sponsor is not there or if there is no sponsor at all. Is the sister in this case also the baptismal sponsor? I ask only because that is the person suggested by the Church. I know that I was both Baptismal and Confirmation sponsor for my goddaughter.
 
You have time. Talk this over with your daughter, it is technically her decision. She may have someone else entirely in mind–a friend’s parent or other adult from the parish. My children’s confirmation sponsor (they both have the same) is not a family member.

You never have to tell you sister she wasn’t chosen unless and until she asks. And if she does you simply tell her the truth gently–that as a divorced woman who is dating without an annulment you could not chose her. If your sister is godmother to either of your children you can also say that your wished to pick another person to give your children an additional role model.
 
whatevergirl said:
I am hoping for some CAF advice here. My dd will be beginning her confirmation classes soon (yay!:)) and tonight, as I was cleaning up the dishes from dinner, I started thinking about who she should ask to be a sponsor. My immdiate thought was one of my sister in laws, who is a devout Catholic. When we lived in PA, my son chose one of my dh’s brothers…there are not that many on my husband’s side who practice the faith, and he and his wife are very devout. Ok. Well…:o We live in FL now, as many of you know, and my sister lives about 4 hours from here. She goes to mass relatively regularly, but she has been dating men, and she is legally divorced. She never sought out the annulment process. She also puts down our faith believe it or not, without going into details, I have had words with her about doing that.

*So…what is my question…well, she may wonder, why she wasn’t selected to be dd’s sponsor. She knows the faith very well…she went to Catholic schools during her upbringing…and so, she "should’’ know that you have to be a practicing Catholic to be a sponsor. *

That said…in my heart of hearts, I prefer my sister in law to be my dd’s sponsor. I might be making a lot out of nothing since I haven’t even brought this up to anyone yet…and we are 8 months away from dd being confirmed. But, I can’t see choosing my sister, not at this point.

So…should I say nothing to my sister, just ask our sister in law…OR…what? I ask, because of course, we are intending to have a small party for my dd next year and my sister will be there. My sister is very sensitive to these things.

Your thoughts are appreciated, and any family stories of your own that you can share, would help, too. Thanks! 👋
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Her Sponsor should be her Godmother, unless she no longer qualifies under Canon Law.
 
Br.Rich_SFO said:
Her Sponsor should be her Godmother, unless she no longer qualifies under Canon Law.
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Or Godfather - sponsor does not have to be of the same gender - same qualifier, unless he is no longer a practicing Catholic.
 
kage_ar said:
Or Godfather - sponsor does not have to be of the same gender - same qualifier, unless he is no longer a practicing Catholic.
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That is correct but usually they are the same gender. I have also seen both Godparents present a Godchild for Confirmation, not impossible.
 
bpbasilphx said:
Isn’t it the confirmand’s perogative to choose his/her own sponsor?
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I gave my son some direction. But allowed him to choose, letting him know that I had veto power in case the person he chose didn’t meet the requirements. He came up with someone that I hadn’t thought of. We invited his Godfather to the Confirmation Mass and got a picture of the Godfather, my son and his sponsor, all standing together. 👍
Br.Rich_SFO said:
Her Sponsor should be her Godmother, unless she no longer qualifies under Canon Law.
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Is this part of Canon Law? I looked for qualifications when my son was deciding but couldn’t find where it says it should be a Godparent. 🤷
 
maryjk said:
I gave my son some direction. But allowed him to choose, letting him know that I had veto power in case the person he chose didn’t meet the requirements. He came up with someone that I hadn’t thought of. We invited his Godfather to the Confirmation Mass and got a picture of the Godfather, my son and his sponsor, all standing together. 👍

Is this part of Canon Law? I looked for qualifications when my son was deciding but couldn’t find where it says it should be a Godparent. 🤷
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It’s not a ‘must be’ but this is what canon law says:
Can. 893 §1. To perform the function of sponsor, a person must fulfill the conditions mentioned in ⇒ can. 874. (IOW, the same conditions that apply to a godparent at baptism)
§2. It is desirable to choose as sponsor the one who undertook the same function in baptism.
Click to expand...
 
My sis is my dd’s Godmother, yes…but at that time, she was married, and she and her husband practiced the faith. Some 13 yrs later, she is divorced, and has come back to mass…has gone to confession, but she still dates freely…and doesn’t agree with everything the Church teaches, she told me. I thought she was considering the annulment process, but she now she is back to–not wanting to look into it. 🤷 My dd has been in the room when my sister has uttered her comments about the faith. My dd, as young as she is…has a deep deep devotion to Mary, and the faith. She doesn’t like that my sister said these things…so, I have a feeling she won’t ask to have her as the sponsor…that is the challenge. Any way I slice it, it is going to come down to eventually having to find a tactful way to explain to my sister, her aunt and godmother, that my dd chose someone else. But, again, my sis knows the teachings…so, what can I do? :o Thanks for your replies, all…much for me to think about. (although, we’re 8 months off, never too early to worry :p)
 
whatevergirl said:
My sis is my dd’s Godmother, yes…but at that time, she was married, and she and her husband practiced the faith. Some 13 yrs later, she is divorced, and has come back to mass…has gone to confession, but she still dates freely…and doesn’t agree with everything the Church teaches, she told me. I thought she was considering the annulment process, but she now she is back to–not wanting to look into it. 🤷 My dd has been in the room when my sister has uttered her comments about the faith. My dd, as young as she is…has a deep deep devotion to Mary, and the faith. She doesn’t like that my sister said these things…so, I have a feeling she won’t ask to have her as the sponsor…that is the challenge. Any way I slice it, it is going to come down to eventually having to find a tactful way to explain to my sister, her aunt and godmother, that my dd chose someone else. But, again, my sis knows the teachings…so, what can I do? :o Thanks for your replies, all…much for me to think about. (although, we’re 8 months off, never too early to worry :p)
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How about, “We would love to have you attend the Confirmation Mass. DD chose Mrs. X as her sponsor. Isn’t wonderful that she will have TWO people in her corner, praying for her, helping her and being there for her? Thank you for all of the prayers you have alreayd prayed for her” 👍

All of this worry may be for naught. If your sister isn’t practicing her faith, it may not even cross her mind that she should be the first choice.
 
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