How to overcome embarassment/shame during confession?

[teachccd]

Thank you for the prayers - I appreciate them. I am still nervous.

Being nervous is part of a good confession. We cannot be proud of our sins and should be ashamed to some degree. But not to the point of not confessing them. I think that what makes me most nervous is wondering what the priest might think of me. This is why it would be best for you to go to another parish and confess behind a screen. I am not a priest but I had a young man express a very embarrassing action in his life and I have nothing but respect for him. I couldn’t offer absolution but I could counsel him and direct him to a priest. Now if I a mere layman can find no judgment then how much more an ordained priest? So, yes, you are nervous but God already knows what you did. If what you did makes you that nervous to confess then that’s all the more reason you need to get it off of your shoulders. Speaking for myself, I have done a few very embarrassing things and had to confess them. What an awesome feeling when you walk out. The only answer is to just go, say the words and move on. You will do just fine and God is waiting…teachccd

 

[MarcoPolo]

Thank you for the prayers - I appreciate them. I am still nervous.

Perhaps there are certain words too embarrassing? For example, if the sin was gluttony, they could simply say something like, “I over-ate, excessively.” Or if someone’s sin were masturbation, they could admit to looking at provocative images and committing act(s) of self-gratification. Don’t tell an untruth, and you should be as straight as possible, but perhaps phraseology with which you are comfortable can help as long as that phrasing is honest.

 

[ClearWater]

Well, one thing is not to go face-to-face in that case. Secondly, you do not need to give details on every sin. You would just say the sin, in general, in most cases.

I think you could even say…1st commandment…number of times…impure thoughts…number of times…impure desires…number of times, 6th commandment, number of times.

I don’t think most priests need, or want, all the details. If you say this, and he wants more detail, he’ll ask.

 

[lizaanne]

(Our parish I guess technically has one to the side of the priest’s chair, but it is dilapidated and not very much of a partition. I don’t think anyone uses it anymore because when you walk in, our priest says “hello, have a seat”, and motions with his hand to the chair facing him.)

I can guarantee you that you are not the only one who is uncomfortable in such a situation.

You might want to consider getting a bunch of parishioners together to raise money for a more appropriate screen. I’ve been to a parish before where someone who was very handy with a hammer and a saw, built a beautiful one that just stood between the priest’s chair and a kneeler and a chair for the penitent. It was about 5ft tall, with the bottom part a wood panel, and the top part stretched forest green fabric on both sides so that it could not be seen through, but could be heard through easily. I’m sure it would not cost a great deal, and would give so many peace of mind and soul when confessing.

Be the change you wish to see in the world!! Catholic style!!

~Liza

 

[porthos11]

You don’t overcome embarrassment and shame when you go to confession. We all have it and you just have to man up and confess it. You have a screen, swell, go with it. No screen? Confess it anyway and tell God you’re sorry.

Oh, and if the sin you “chickened out” on was mortal, shame/embarrassment does not excuse your not confessing it. You’ve committed an additional grave sin of sacrilege, your confessions were invalid, none of your sins were forgiven, and you would have to re-confess EVERYTHING you confessed, including the fact that you made bad/sacrilegious confessions. I do not know if this is the case, but you do.

 

[ServantPD]

Thank you for the prayers - I appreciate them. I am still nervous.

Next time you’re in a near occasion of mortal sin, think about the embarassment in confessing it to a priest. That could just work out for you

 

[littlenothing]

Can’t you just say which commandment you broke and how many times? You do have to say things clearly, but its also possible to do this without being too indelicate.

 

[porthos11]

Can’t you just say which commandment you broke and how many times? You do have to say things clearly, but its also possible to do this without being too indelicate.

No, it won’t be sufficient. Under the sixth commandment, for example, you have adultery, fornication, masturbation, pornography, lustful thoughts. None of those are the same sin and in confession, one must be distinct.

 

[AnonConfession]

We should be sorry – very sorry – for our sins, but never ashamed, for the Lord has already taken our shame away.

I overcome my fear and embarrassment by preparing my confessions word for word, and reading them out in the confessional.

 

[Elizabeth502]

I find all of my sins to be embarrassing and shameful, even though others might not – regarding the actual category of sin, that is. It’s not (for me, anyway) the category of sin, the particular transgressions, that are most embarrassing. It is the aspect of pride: that I did it, period. Having to admit stuff is an exercise in humiliation (necessary for the healing, too).

I experience this even though I almost always use an anonymous confessional. Sometimes the way I handle this hurdle is to talk about my shame, upfront. An additional help is to pray a lot, for the grace to want the result more than withholding the sin(s), and the frustrating result that is the fruit of the latter. A third way is to locate, through experience, a confessor with whom you feel so intimate that it is virtually like talking to Jesus. (You trust him so much; you experience him as in persona Christi.)

 

[billcu1]

I find all of my sins to be embarrassing and shameful, even though others might not – regarding the actual category of sin, that is. It’s not (for me, anyway) the category of sin, the particular transgressions, that are most embarrassing. It is the aspect of pride: that I did it, period. Having to admit stuff is an exercise in humiliation (necessary for the healing, too).

I experience this even though I almost always use an anonymous confessional. Sometimes the way I handle this hurdle is to talk about my shame, upfront. An additional help is to pray a lot, for the grace to want the result more than withholding the sin(s), and the frustrating result that is the fruit of the latter. A third way is to locate, through experience, a confessor with whom you feel so intimate that it is virtually like talking to Jesus. (You trust him so much; you experience him as in persona Christi.)

Hum. I never use anonymous confession. Remember if it helps that none of us are perfect and your confessor is bound by the seal of confession so this is between the two of you.

 

[JimG]

Anonymous confession is the norm. Priests do have the option to offer the face to face method but penitents always have a right to anonymous confession. In my parish with remodeled confessionals anonymity is standard, and there is not really a way to go face to face in the normal course of confessions.

 

[littlenothing]

No, it won’t be sufficient. Under the sixth commandment, for example, you have adultery, fornication, masturbation, pornography, lustful thoughts. None of those are the same sin and in confession, one must be distinct.

Let me clarify: couldn’t one say, for example, I am a married woman and broke the 6th commandment 10 times with my female coworker. I think that spells it out clearly without saying Ive had lesbian sex 10 times. That’s what I mean. Or for masturbation I’ve read “solitary sin”. Don’t know if that is the right way to report it, but it seems if the priest thinks you’re being too vague he will say so. I didn’t mean to obfuscate. I mean to use terms that are true. Like telling your doctor your have constipation rather than you can’t poop. I just think real words might make it easier.

 

[JimG]

Let me clarify: couldn’t one say, for example, I am a married woman and broke the 6th commandment 10 times with my female coworker. I think that spells it out clearly without saying Ive had lesbian sex 10 times. That’s what I mean. Or for masturbation I’ve read “solitary sin”. Don’t know if that is the right way to report it, but it seems if the priest thinks you’re being too vague he will say so. I didn’t mean to obfuscate. I mean to use terms that are true. Like telling your doctor your have constipation rather than you can’t poop. I just think real words might make it easier.

I don’t know; most sins have simple, usually one word names, that are clearer and easier to say than euphemisms. Adultery, masturbation, sodomy, lesbian sex, stealing, gluttony, laziness, skipped Mass, didn’t pray, gossiped, etc. My philosophy is, just say it.

 

[psalm126]

It is the aspect of pride: that I did it, period. Having to admit stuff is an exercise in humiliation (necessary for the healing, too).

Very true!

 

[Elizabeth502]

Hum. I never use anonymous confession. Remember if it helps that none of us are perfect and your confessor is bound by the seal of confession so this is between the two of you.

Each person, alone, knows what best promotes the sacramental experience for himself or herself. The main reason I use anonymous Confession is not, actually, “embarrassment,” but for these two reasons:

(a) it helps me to focus, without distractions, on the process itself, not on visuals from either side, nor facial expressions, etc.
(b) it helps me experience the priest not as a man but as the “person” of Jesus, in His place.

The anonymity is secondary, or even tertiary, in that it supports (a) and (b)

Finally (4h reason), I attend more traditional parishes for Confession because I like the way these confessors approach it. In these two parishes there are only very small confessionals with screens and kneelers, not “reconciliation rooms.”

 

[psalm126]

I followed through! I went to confession at a neighboring parish this Saturday. I finally said the things I had been holding back and feel so relieved. As some of ya’ll suggested I wrote it all down ahead of time which was a big help. There was a traditional kneeler with a screen in this parish which helped me focus on what I was saying rather than trying to avoid eye contact with the priest.

I am halfway through reading a book that I saw suggested on this forum called “7 Secrets of Confession” by Vinny Flynn. I bought it last week and am very glad that I did. It is helping me see confession in a new way. I am not affiliated with this book or author in any way, I just wanted to suggest it to anyone having issues with confession.

 

[Zekariya]

Glory to God for all things!

 

[Cristiano]

I have gone to confession 3 times now and all 3 times have chickened out on confessing a particular sin. I pray ahead of time for strength to say it out loud, but then in the moment, I can’t bring myself to say it to the priest. I confess other sins but not this particular one. I plan on going back on Saturday and attempting it again. Has anyone else had this issue? How did you overcome it? The way our confessional is set up, it is 2 chairs facing one another. I find it so unnerving.

One of the problems with confession is that at the same time you are the accused and the prosecutor. The better the prosecutor knows you the worst it is.

One of the good things about confession is that Christ is the judge and a very mercyful one that heard all the possible sins possible.

Changing confessors could help overcoming some anxieties; however, I am afraid that when people do that they tend to forget that they confess to Christ and not to a person sitting in front of them. Anyway you are always your accuser and that there is nothing less embarrassing than that, you are facing your own conscience.

My suggestion is to keep it simple, if you are truly sorry Christ wants to forgive you no matter what. Go, blush, cry and spill the beans after that you are one more time on your path to heaven.

 

[Cristiano]

I followed through! I went to confession at a neighboring parish this Saturday. I finally said the things I had been holding back and feel so relieved. As some of ya’ll suggested I wrote it all down ahead of time which was a big help. There was a traditional kneeler with a screen in this parish which helped me focus on what I was saying rather than trying to avoid eye contact with the priest.

I am halfway through reading a book that I saw suggested on this forum called “7 Secrets of Confession” by Vinny Flynn. I bought it last week and am very glad that I did. It is helping me see confession in a new way. I am not affiliated with this book or author in any way, I just wanted to suggest it to anyone having issues with confession.

Congratulations, I worote my previous comments before getting to the end of the hread. I am truly happy for you. I see the book that you mention adevertosed in the OSV in my parish. I was there at lunchtime for confession.