How to overcome hatred?

[But_for_Grace]

I just try to remember that they are not only children of God made in His divine image, but also that they are sinners who need grace just as much as I do.

 

[Bonvivant]

Jay,

You want a profound spiritual experience? Everytime you think of someone you hate, say the Our Father. Remember the part where we ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us? I don’t care if you have to say it 30 times a day for a year. Do it. It will require effort. And when the forgiveness happens, it will be a profound spiritual experience.

Bill

 

[Gottle_of_Geer]

jay_s:

Hi, I am someone who’s actually taken the decision to become a Catholic, but I’ve yet to go to a parish and talk to a priest about it. My question is: How can I make myself love people, especially the ones I hate? How can I forgive them? Is it a matter of indoctrinating myself with the idea that hatred is wrong, and love is good, or, do I need to have some profound spiritual experience to allow love to enter my heart? I’m not sure.

Do what the others suggest ​

Forgiving can be difficult because one is so conscious of the thing that is hard to forgive. I took years to forgive something - now, the memory of what had to be forgiven, has lost its power; it’s a memory, and only that,: thank God

One thing that helps, is, to pray for the people in question, and to desire all good for them - this is something to do at a time while one is not too vividly aware of the thing that needs to be forgiven. By wanting to forgive, and wanting this perseveringly, we will one day find that we have forgiven them - even if we never meet them again.

We can’t force ourselves to love - because the love in question is primarily God’s Love. We can act lovingly, and think lovingly, and want to love - but it is God’s grace that makes this possible. IMO, this is all a part of seeking the Will of God in our lives, so that He can do as He Wills - “Thy Will be done on earth”. When we say that, we are - among other things - asking that God will work in & through us, and even despite what we ourselves may want: we are asking for His values to be realised in our evderyday life, in His way, no matter what. And our wanting to forgive, is at once an answer to our prayer, and a means of fulfilling it.

We need to be patient, when forgiveness is very hard - God seems to be far more interested in our being faithful to His Will as we know it, than in our being instantly successful in our doing of it. ##

 

[seeker63]

Well, my problem isn’t as much the people I know as those I don’t. I ride the bus a lot and much of what I see there, and indeed in the rest of the world reminds me of the sordid things you’d see on “Jerry Springer.” It’s not so much the idea that these people are sinful as it is that they are disgusting.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

jay_s:

Hatred is a very strong emotion. It takes a lot of energy out of you, and, at the end of the day, leaves you feeling used and empty, like one person in this thread said. I don’t know why we hate other people. It may be that we expected love somehow and failed to receive it. This is a form of resentment. When pride is added to the mix, hatred may develop. I think.

There is a great chapter on anger in a (very inexpensive paperback) book I read once called “How to Get People to Do Things” by Robert Conklin.

What many don’t realize is that getting angry just gives away power and control, the very lack of which probably caused the anger in the first place. In a conflict, anger brings weakness. If I can make you angry, then I have control over you.

Last night my 17 year old son and I were discussing anger (originally his anger) and we decided it was like a form of mental masturbation. We get frustrated, we grab our anger, and run our scripts. Get our innards tensed up, eyebrows furled, angry speech, and the like.

I don’t know what to do about this emotion. It’s going to be there with me for the rest of my life; guiding me, even. My hatred need not control my life, but it can certainly direct it. How can we make good use of this emotion? And what does the Church have to say about it?

Fear not, for just yesterday I had a counterexample. It may not be with you forever.

I have been so angry and frustrated at fools and foolishness that I got locked up in a mental ward in confusion, with severe bipolar.

Yesterday, the culmination of four years of searching, praying, studying, and having wonderful discussions with my kids, friends, and people on this forum, took place.

Yesterday I finally lost my anger. Yes, it was June 23, 2005. I hope I never find it again, unless of course just to indulge in old times’ sake or to use as a show.

After some interesting discussions with my son yesterday, starting loud when something went wrong, and progressing into insightful and fascinating, I found myself spending practically all day shuttling kids from here to there, in a van with no air conditioning and the windows don’t go down, in 93 heat.

During the day I felt so resigned to my Assigned Tasks and restful in God, that not even other traffic bugged me. If someone got in the way, I slowed down. If they tried to get around, I let them instead of “cleverly” trying to cut them off – you know what I mean, trap them but pretend like I don’t realize I’m doing it.

Anyway, I finally got to the point at which I actually “chased” the anger away when I felt it trying to well up once or twice. It was sooo cute, the time or two when it tried to sneak in, but both times I gently let it rest and it gave me rest, and a faint smile on my face practically all day.

I’m overweight and usually sweat a lot, but yesterday I honestly didn’t feel the heat the way I usually did. It was awesome. Intellectually I knew it was hot, but it just wasn’t uncomfortable at all. When I thought about it, satan tried to convince me that yes, it is very hot and I should be bothered by it. When I heard that in my thoughts, it was so obvious that I almost felt like it was too easy to let go of that thought train. It was so clearly contrary to what I’d decided as Truth, that it just sounded like a cute little voice looking for some attention. (I was not hallucinating by the way; I’m using personification on the voices; I didn’t actually “hear” them.)

Here’s what it was like. I have chosen at this point in my life to support these errands and to do this driving, and God has provided me with a vehicle, such as it is. Now, yes, it is objectively hot, yes, I am perspiring a bit (but not like I usually do) and yes, it gets hotter when sitting at traffic lights. None of this can separate me from the love and peace of Christ, unless I choose to let it be my excuse. Therefore, I choose not to judge my situation as good or bad, but to accept it as What I’m Doing Right Now, and any judgmental or whiney thoughts are silly and only good for giving me a knowing smile when I gently dismiss them with my superior logic, reasoning, and transformed heart, all wonderful gifts from God, and all working for me that day.

After an old script tries to run, “you should be miserable/angry/frustrated” I just smiled and said to it, “yes, you are very cute indeed, and you make me smile.” Those bad thoughts can’t stand it when you don’t take them seriously.

Alan

P.S.: practically everybody I tell about this book, if I ask them one minute later, they think the title is, “How to Get People to Do What You Want.” That was not the title, and this memory glitch indicates one of the ineffective approaches that the book tries to convey.

 

[TOP]

Thank you Alan,
The Blessing of children and preseverance. And the Love we are trying to perfect.

 

[seeker63]

There’s also the problem that I’m OCD and a germophobe. I have a serious problem being around people who are dirty or stinky. They bother me at a truly visceral level. And I find I tend to be easily annoyed by things, like noises, delays, and so forth. I’m very impatient.

 

[Ruthie]

“There’s also the problem that I’m OCD and a germophobe. I have a serious problem being around people who are dirty or stinky. They bother me at a truly visceral level.”

Well, Seeker, I can see how riding the bus would bother you! Have you tried counselling and/or medication for the OCD?

Jesus said, “Takle up your cross and follow me.” Perhaps this is your cross to bear. In which case, you can offer up the discomfort it causes you to God.

“And I find I tend to be easily annoyed by things, like noises, delays, and so forth. I’m very impatient.”

Now here I can give you some more practical advice, because I have reduced the same problems in my own life.

First, give up some of your time. For instance, if you leave 10 or 15 minutes earlier than you really need to, then a delay won’t affect you as strongly. I really hated this advice when I first got it, but finally bowed my neck - and, whaddaya know, it worked!

Second, carry something with you, mentally or physically, to occupy your mind during a delay. I’m an avid reader, and usually have a book with me. When I don’t, I’ll do something like mentally re-design the master bath in my house. These days, as a new Catholic, I work on memorizing the Creeds.

I heartily recommend, too, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. Repeating “For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world” can really bring me down from my ivory tower!

HTH,
Ruthie
Php 4:4

 

[Jerusha]

Remember that if you allow hatred to consume you, you lose track of who you are, and tend to become like who you hate. Take a look at the situation, examine your conscience, and acknowledge the mistakes/sins you made in the situation, such as having been too trusting.

Pray that they get everything they deserve, and let God be the judge. Pray that they become closer to God.