How to Prepare for the Death of a Child

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February

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We are in the midst of a lot of suffering, and I need advice on how to handle life right now. My husband and I are mid-and late 30s, married almost 3 years, and lost our first daughter at 38 weeks last Feb. to a rare occurrence.

This year, and the past 5-10 years have been extremely difficult-illness/death of my mother, severe illnesses in other family members, severe addiction issues with a sibling. Even the good times have been dampened with other traumatic events occurring around the same time (overdose/coma of sibling, stroke of grandparent, around our wedding ).

We became pregnant with our 2nd child at the end of July. Shortly after, I discovered my husband has been unfaithful to me our entire relationship with the use of porn. I won’t go into detail, but it was not simply viewing a few pictures online…much worse. He is remorseful and trying to amend what looks like years of porn addiction. In addition to emotionally dealing with all that (amongst other family issues) while pregnant, we recently learned that our second baby is very sick in the womb with a severe birth defect. We thought everything was fine, and now we’ll likely have to bury a second child around the 1st anniversary of losing our first. There is a small chance this baby could survive, but nobody seems optimistic. I’ve been going through the last several weeks preparing myself for this child to die, and having to deal with comments and questions from many people, strangers included.

So I am trying my hardest to pray, hope for the best, and offer up any suffering…but WHY?? I don’t know why I am being forced to handle this and it is very unfair. I cannot stand to hear people complaining about their children or normal pregnancies. I’ve isolated myself from Facebook and friends with young children. Nobody understands, and I’ve already gotten comments saying that I’m likely not going to have any more children after this (NOT from a Dr…from a coworker ). Also, what happened to our first and second child is totally unrelated…just bad luck. Advice?
 
My heart goes out to you, February. You are enduring so much suffering. I will add you to my prayer journal, and keep your intentions in my prayers.

I have no advice for you. Just sympathy and prayers.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please carry February in Your loving arms as she goes through these sorrows and trials. Surround her with Your peace and consolation. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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February said:
We are in the midst of a lot of suffering, and I need advice on how to handle life right now. My husband and I are mid-and late 30s, married almost 3 years, and lost our first daughter at 38 weeks last Feb. to a rare occurrence.

This year, and the past 5-10 years have been extremely difficult-illness/death of my mother, severe illnesses in other family members, severe addiction issues with a sibling. Even the good times have been dampened with other traumatic events occurring around the same time (overdose/coma of sibling, stroke of grandparent, around our wedding ).

We became pregnant with our 2nd child at the end of July. Shortly after, I discovered my husband has been unfaithful to me our entire relationship with the use of porn. I won’t go into detail, but it was not simply viewing a few pictures online…much worse. He is remorseful and trying to amend what looks like years of porn addiction. In addition to emotionally dealing with all that (amongst other family issues) while pregnant, we recently learned that our second baby is very sick in the womb with a severe birth defect. We thought everything was fine, and now we’ll likely have to bury a second child around the 1st anniversary of losing our first. There is a small chance this baby could survive, but nobody seems optimistic. I’ve been going through the last several weeks preparing myself for this child to die, and having to deal with comments and questions from many people, strangers included.

So I am trying my hardest to pray, hope for the best, and offer up any suffering…but WHY?? I don’t know why I am being forced to handle this and it is very unfair. I cannot stand to hear people complaining about their children or normal pregnancies. I’ve isolated myself from Facebook and friends with young children. Nobody understands, and I’ve already gotten comments saying that I’m likely not going to have any more children after this (NOT from a Dr…from a coworker ). Also, what happened to our first and second child is totally unrelated…just bad luck. Advice?
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I’m so sorry.

Does your OB/GYN have any suggestions for local support groups or a therapist specializing in pregnancy support?

If there isn’t anything in real life, even if it’s very obscure, there are probably several online forums devoted to whatever problem you have. With my last (and successful) pregnancy, I had a subchorionic hematoma and I was given a 30% chance of my baby not making it. I got a lot out of the subchorionic hematoma forums online. It gave me a good idea of the course of the condition.

If the worst happens, there should be a miscarriage/stillbirth/early infant death support group in your area. There’s a CAF forum (mommies of little saints) devoted to the subject, and lots of online stuff. That’s how I originally found CAF.

Best wishes!
 
On reflection, I think I would get in touch with your local miscarriage/stillbirth/early infant death people and talk about your situation. You’re in a better situation right now to do research and process information then you will be in the middle of a medical crisis.

In our area, I know that one of the organizers of the miscarriage/stillbirth/early infant death group does photography for bereaved parents. They also help put together a keepsake box.

I also know that local funeral homes and cemeteries may have special terms for children’s funerals, so it’s worth investigating. Your pastor might know.

On a more hopeful note, there are some things you’ll need either way. Maybe start putting that stuff together? If you can secure (or even make) a baptismal gown, that is something that could be used either for baptism or for burial.

Also, you and your husband should talk to your pastor about emergency baptism protocols, so that in case you are unwell or a priest is unavailable, your husband can do an emergency baptism.

Best wishes!
 
I am at the cardiologist with my kids right now so I don’t have much time to post. I want you to know, though, that you are in my prayers and when I head to Adoration later today I will offer your intentions to Jesus.

I’m praying a novena to Our Lady of Lourdes. You, your husband, your marriage, and your precious babies will be added to this novena.

My youngest twins were stillborns. I found out not long before they were born that they had died. I carried them until my husband was able to make it home before I was induced. They died of sepsis due to a UTI. My arms still ache to hold them. My arms ache for you as well.

PM me if you would like. I am so sorry. I’ll try to post more later.
 
I am so very sorry for what you have & are going through. I’m sending up prayers for you, your husband & your family. God bless.
 
I am so deeply sorry. We just buried our stillborn baby last month. I will pray for you in adoration and ask our Blessed Mother to hold you. Talk when you need to. Cry when you need to. We will pray for you even when you can’t find the words. PM me if you prefer to keep things out of the public forum.
 
I am so sorry for the pain you have and are going through. You will be in our prayers, and I will light a candle at adoration for your intentions. My first was a stillborn, and there was a support group at our hospital for parents who lost children. Our church also had a bereavement group.

When some not as sensitive people asked me if I had children, I said, “Yes, one in Heaven.” We had fertility issues, so when my second came along (and he was a preemie with many complications), I will say I have two children–one in Heaven and one on Earth. With both pregnancies, I had a priest bless my womb because I was worried that I would not be able to carry a child to term due to heredity issues.

I can somewhat understand how it must make you feel when people complain about their children. I was there for a while and I was there again for a different reason when my son was diagnosed with autism. And the prognosis was not good. By God’s grace he has come so far from that initial prognosis. However, what kept me going is the thought that Jesus is asking me to carry this cross. Will I accept it, because He wants me to carry it so I can be with him in Heaven. It took a lot of dark nights of the soul to realize this, but I finally did. And I do stumble and regress. But please feel free to PM me if you need to vent, cry, or any other reason.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Be assured we are praying for you, your husband and your precious baby. God bless you.
 
I’m SO sorry for your all of your sufferings. :console: You’ve been asked to endure more in a short time than most will be asked to endure in a lifetime. I have no answers as to why. I haven’t been able to figure that out for myself yet. But I still trust that something good will come from this, even if you don’t see any glimpse of that fruit until the next life.

Why do some have to endure so much more than others? I have no idea. I just try to remember Jesus and how He had to endure more than anyone ever, and He was totally innocent of any wrongdoing on his part. It had to be so hard for Him. It was hard enough that in the garden of gethsemane He repeatedly asked his Father to take away the sufferings He was going to have to endure, but He didn’t, not even a little, He had to endure it all. Your situation is very similar. You are begging the Father to take this cup of suffering from you and, like Jesus, He keeps asking you to drink more of the cup.

Why is suffering the only way to heaven, I know not. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. And Jesus showed us that in His last days and hours. We would have to suffer much to be able to follow Him into paradise. So we blindly accept even the most intense of pains, the most excruciating of sufferings, uniting them to those of Jesus, and can hope that if we endure the trials to the end, we too will be forever blessed in the Kingdom of Heaven. A Kingdom of eternal joy, happiness and peace. A Kingdom where there will be no more sadness, pain or tears. If only we have faith, hope and love enough to endure all that comes our way.

Please know for certain your darling children await your coming to heaven to be with them and Jesus and all the angels and saints with great happiness and longing and joy. You WILL see them again. You WILL. And they are safe in a place where they will never be taken away from you again and are in such happiness and joy, more than we could ever hope to provide here below. They are at peace and in knowing this over time you will come to that same peace even here below.

I understand, at least some, where you are in life. I also have no living children. We suffered through ten years of infertility with only one miraculous pregnancy, who died in my womb at eight weeks. The very condition that caused my infertility and only baby to die, ended up taking over my body, left me such intense pain and suffering that I had to have a total hysterectomy and removal of my ovaries at 33 years of age. We will never ever have a living child now. We are too financially bad off to adopt. It is a heartache beyond all telling. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. The suffering and heartache will last a lifetime.

In the midst of all this I endure severe mental illness, Fibromyalgia and a host of other chronic illnesses that keep me from living a normal life or even holding down employment. I can’t seem to keep friends due to my mental state. I spend everyday of my life in pain, exhaustion and suffering. My husband and I have had a very rocky 10 year marriage. It has been a nightmare at times. It is getting a little better, finally, but only just now, after 10 long, hard years.

My family is several states away so we only see them once or twice a year. During this time I also lost my mother, all my aunts, all but two uncles and three cousins. I also have a dad (who’s 71), a sister and two nephews and a niece. That is absolutely my entire family on both sides. 11 people total. That’s it.

We also live in a state of chronic low finances and seemingly permanent debt. We live paycheck to paycheck. We live a very simple unadorned life. We haven’t had a break or gotten ahead but twice in our marriage and only for a short time and to wind up back in the same hole we started from, and this is not lack of hard work on my husband, or part time work when I can, it’s just been unlucky breaks in life. One thing after another, after another. I so understand your sense of feeling unlucky. It is SO hard at times. :console:

So I very much understand some aspects of what your going through. I am so very sorry and hope the Lord blesses you with peace in the midst of this nightmare. Know I am here for you and you can PM me anytime to talk privately. Also you will certainly be in my prayers. God bless you dear! :hug3:
 
I’m sending love and hugs to you, February. I’m so sorry to read all this. I’m praying for you, your baby and your husband.
 
:hug1:

You are all in my prayers.

One of the greatest acts of faith I personally witnessed was when my 12 yo cousin died due to illness 4 years ago.

Her Dad is a pastor and although some of the family lost their minds, some were very angry with God and really struggled with the fact that we may one day lose her, he comforted us and other parents in the waiting room. We tried all medical possibilities, months later I noticed a profound change in her Dad.

We were all gathered around her hospital bed when she left, her Dad whispered so all of us could hear - “thank you God for lending her to us for 12 years, she brought us nothing but joy and laughter so I understand why you want her with you. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. I have faithfully served you for 20 years and I will continue serving you forever. I know you have a plan for us as a family, I leave it all in your hands, your will be done”.

He later told me that God had answered his prayer and the answer was “no”. He went directly to the book of Job, which comforted him. One night during the worst of the illness, he saw a vision of his daughter and she told him she was going to be fine and that he and mum and the family needed to let her go. That’s when the change in him occurred, what I thought was behaviour not suitable to the situation was actually him submitting to God’s will.

He knew the rest of the family would all come to that point at some stage, he just reached it earlier. I always think of the spiritual, mental and emotional strength it took for him to do that. I remember that time whenever I am tempted to be angry at God.
 
I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you, your husband, and your little one.
 
Thank you for your kind words, prayers, and stories. I did look up some of the resources shared. Unfortunately I feel like I already know how to prepare for a child’s funeral, etc., but last time it happened so suddenly that I did not have to go through this long period of fearing the unknown while the baby is still alive. Our first daughter passed fairly quickly; I noticed she wasn’t moving, we went to the hospital and I was induced. This time, we thought everything was fine till week 28, and have gone through so many tests and grim predictions over the past 5 weeks it has been a lot to bear. I’ve stopped working for a number of reasons, and spend much of the time resting and try to prevent early labor, because she definitely will not survive that. I have support, but not from anyone that personally understands.

Thanks Monicad, I am still trying to have some hope because she is doing well in the womb for now. I do understand what SAVINGGRACE is saying though…I had similar feelings of peace from experiences that happened when my mother died, and also our first baby, though both were still very difficult. However the answer to a lot of my prayers had been “no” for reasons I don’t quite understand, and desperately hope the answer isn’t no this time as well.
 
Our first son was born with a severe birth defect that was “incompatible with life”.

We found out during a sonogram. It was horrible. So, half of his pregnancy was with the knowledge that he would die. We grieved. We were sad. We tried to be strong for each other.

He survived birth, came home from the NICU, and lived with us in a vegetative state for three years and three months.

You simply have to respect the dignity of the person. You love them, you grieve for what could have been. We don’t know why all of the cells don’t come together perfectly sometimes. It just happens. It’s a burden to those of us involved.

Get counseling. We did not, but wish we had.
 
February said:
We are in the midst of a lot of suffering, and I need advice on how to handle life right now. My husband and I are mid-and late 30s, married almost 3 years, and lost our first daughter at 38 weeks last Feb. to a rare occurrence.

This year, and the past 5-10 years have been extremely difficult-illness/death of my mother, severe illnesses in other family members, severe addiction issues with a sibling. Even the good times have been dampened with other traumatic events occurring around the same time (overdose/coma of sibling, stroke of grandparent, around our wedding ).

We became pregnant with our 2nd child at the end of July. Shortly after, I discovered my husband has been unfaithful to me our entire relationship with the use of porn. I won’t go into detail, but it was not simply viewing a few pictures online…much worse. He is remorseful and trying to amend what looks like years of porn addiction. In addition to emotionally dealing with all that (amongst other family issues) while pregnant, we recently learned that our second baby is very sick in the womb with a severe birth defect. We thought everything was fine, and now we’ll likely have to bury a second child around the 1st anniversary of losing our first. There is a small chance this baby could survive, but nobody seems optimistic. I’ve been going through the last several weeks preparing myself for this child to die, and having to deal with comments and questions from many people, strangers included.

So I am trying my hardest to pray, hope for the best, and offer up any suffering…but WHY?? I don’t know why I am being forced to handle this and it is very unfair. I cannot stand to hear people complaining about their children or normal pregnancies. I’ve isolated myself from Facebook and friends with young children. Nobody understands, and I’ve already gotten comments saying that I’m likely not going to have any more children after this (NOT from a Dr…from a coworker ). Also, what happened to our first and second child is totally unrelated…just bad luck. Advice?
Click to expand...
My heart absolutely aches for you. I don’t know why tragedy will strike a family many times in a short period of time. Year 2009 was our year. My niece’s husband died leaving her with an seven year old boy to raise alone. My seven year granddaughter was killed in a car accident. My mother died. My sister-in-law’s husband died. My nephew was in an induced coma for 3 months due to a serious illness. I don’t mentioned these events in order to ask for sympathy for me but to let you know how hard it is to understand and to go on. During these last seven years, there has not been a day goes by for me that I don’t grieve for my daughter who grieves for her daughter. There is not a day goes by that I don’t find myself waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Don’t let anyone minimize the pain you feel. The death of a child - born or yet to be born - is the hardest of all.

The only advice I can give is to hang on to Christ and simply put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward. I will pray a Rosary for you.

Sometimes I think of grief like a dark cloud. Occasionally a beam of light will filter through. Over time that light comes more often and stays longer until there is more light than darkness.
 
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