How to push without being a nag

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ishnianqueen

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Hey guys, need some advice. My boyfriend is Catholic, but, like everyone, some areas need work, like the “going to Mass EVERY Sunday” one. Today, for instance, he didn’t meet me at Mass because he overslept. I called him just to see what happened and he said, “I overslept.” I told him that that’s ok as long as he got to Mass. He replied that because of needing to run errands and his father’s birthday shindig that he would see what he could do. Obviously, my reaction was, “Groceries and father’s birthdays are important, but you need to go.” This continued for a little bit and I could feel us starting to stalemate. I asked him if he was getting frustrated. He replied, “To be honest? …I have a mother.”

::sigh:: I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend, and I don’t want to be the kind of person that thinks she can change someone. He has gotten better about going to Mass every week because there’s someone to go with (me) and he’s even gone to confession on his own, but…I just don’t know if he really understands the gravity of mortal sin and missing Mass.

Thoughts?
 
Dear boyfriend,

As Catholics we believe that we are obligated to participate at Mass every Sunday and holy day of obligation. Not only because we “owe God”, but also because we are a part of the puzzle that there are 1 billion other pieces too, and we let them down when we don’t go. We also get infinite grace when we receive the Eucharist, stuff that happens that we don’t necessarily see. When we don’t go, we commit a serious offense against God and each other and I care about your soul

And you see, boyfriend, you are my boyfriend because I am discerning whether you and I are called to marriage together. That means that you would be called to help me get to heaven even if it would kill you. That means that you will be called to lead our children in the faith as well. That means that we are all called as Christians to spread the gospel, and be each other’s “mother” if it means helping them avoid serious sin.

Boyfriend, you are doing a stinky job right now. Shape up, or I’m going to have to find a new boyfriend that cares about my soul, and my soul is safe with him.

Love,
Girlfriend.
 
Oh dear I am going to sound like the Grandma that I am.

There is no way to push without being a nag.
Men have many many tricks up their sleeves to resist a woman who tries pushing and nagging. And, guess what? Those tricks work. You will become angry and frustrated and accomplish very little.

You can not control his journey toward God, nor can you control the Holy Spirit that works within him.
 
I think the right approach is to find a man that you do not have to push and nag.

My DH is 100% on the same page as me regarding the practice of the faith. He would not be my husband if he wasn’t, and I would not be his wife if I wasn’t.
 
My advice, find someone who loves God more than he loves you. That is the type of man that you deserve. Then, you won’t need to nag him about going to Church. I know that when things become difficult in my marriage, that things are going to be ok because my husband loves God more than me. Because of this, I know that my husband will seek God’s will and God’s will always brings him back to loving his wife. If you have to nag and push now–watch out! Make good and sure that he begins pushing himself to do these things before you lock yourself into a serious relationship with him. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for a future of nagging and prodding. Just my 2 cents.
 
2 more cents added.

Often women will complain that their men do not talk to them. That their men are not open and honest with them.

Well, listen carefully to what this young man said to you.

He replied, “To be honest? …I have a mother”

He IS being open. He IS being honest. Are you listening to him?
 
ishnianqueen said:
This continued for a little bit and I could feel us starting to stalemate. I asked him if he was getting frustrated. He replied, “To be honest? …I have a mother.”
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He has a mother and does not need another one. You have a boyfriend who does not always attend Mass. Is this what you want?
 
I’d agree with those posters who say you might want to reevaluate the relationship.

I don’t know how close you are with him or in what circumstances you met, but if it’s a relationship that was a way of finding a Catholic husband through a Catholic dating site or a “let’s try” relationship from a singles event, then I would be inclined more strongly towards finding a different man. Now if you’re in love with him, you’re close, you have a history together and he has some particular qualities which endear him to you, then that’s a different story, but I’d still be careful.

See, you aren’t his mother. And he surely doesn’t like nagging. On the other hand, you don’t like a situation in which your husband-to-be doesn’t seem to be moved by the fact that missing a mass is grave matter, or feel a need to go.

This is why relationships with certain people who are Catholic are more difficult in some ways than relationships with unbelievers. I won’t explain in detail why - we all get it. I’ll say a prayer for you in a moment, hope you find some way to deal with it. But don’t stick to this particular boyfriend more than it’s worth.
 
ishnianqueen said:
Hey guys, need some advice. My boyfriend is Catholic, but, like everyone, some areas need work, like the “going to Mass EVERY Sunday” one. Today, for instance, he didn’t meet me at Mass because he overslept. I called him just to see what happened and he said, “I overslept.” I told him that that’s ok as long as he got to Mass. He replied that because of needing to run errands and his father’s birthday shindig that he would see what he could do. Obviously, my reaction was, “Groceries and father’s birthdays are important, but you need to go.” This continued for a little bit and I could feel us starting to stalemate. I asked him if he was getting frustrated. He replied, “To be honest? …I have a mother.”

::sigh:: I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend, and I don’t want to be the kind of person that thinks she can change someone. He has gotten better about going to Mass every week because there’s someone to go with (me) and he’s even gone to confession on his own, but…I just don’t know if he really understands the gravity of mortal sin and missing Mass.

Thoughts?
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When my dh and I were dating one another, we went together always…when we realized that marriage was where we were heading. We asked each other what mass time was most suitable for us both, and then we just tried our best to keep that as our ‘date’ to meet up for mass. Saturday evenings were our day. Maybe it’s the sleeping in on Sunday that is the issue. Nagging typically doesn’t work for ANYONE, men aren’t the only ones who dislike it. 😃 So, I would just have a heart to heart…maybe over dinner…and say, ‘hey, I’d really like us to go to mass together…what day do you think will work best for us to do this, where we are consistent?’

We liked Saturday evenings, back then personally, because then we would go to dinner right after mass, and talk about the sermon, about mass…it actually bonded us together even more before marriage.

Maybe try that? If he says no…then let us know. I’ll have to then think of a plan b. 😃 Hope this helps.
 
Thank you for all your responses. I got a chance to talk with him a little bit ago. To be fair, he did say that a) the day was not done yet (there are late Masses at the campus ministry close by) and b) that he’d “try his best,” which was where we got at odds. He was aggravated at the fact that he hadn’t actually missed Mass and I was acting like he had, whereas by his language it had seemed to me implied that he probably wouldn’t make it. I likened his wording to me going to bar and saying that I would “try my best” to not cheat on him while I was there - not very encouraging language in my mind 😉 - and I think it may have gotten through.

To answer some questions - we’ve known each other for a while, but have a young relationship that’s been through a lot already (heart surgery twice, actually). I suppose we’re just working through some of the things that don’t crop up as often or as accutely in just friendships, like the communication issues. Feel free to smack me upside the head if you think I’m in a dreamworld refusing to see reality or pat me on the back and say that I’m doing fine, whatever your opinion may be. I do take everything said and weigh it, I promise. 🙂
 
ishnianqueen said:
Thank you for all your responses. I got a chance to talk with him a little bit ago. To be fair, he did say that a) the day was not done yet (there are late Masses at the campus ministry close by) and b) that he’d “try his best,” which was where we got at odds. He was aggravated at the fact that he hadn’t actually missed Mass and I was acting like he had, whereas by his language it had seemed to me implied that he probably wouldn’t make it. I likened his wording to me going to bar and saying that I would “try my best” to not cheat on him while I was there - not very encouraging language in my mind 😉 - and I think it may have gotten through.

To answer some questions - we’ve known each other for a while, but have a young relationship that’s been through a lot already (heart surgery twice, actually). I suppose we’re just working through some of the things that don’t crop up as often or as accutely in just friendships, like the communication issues. Feel free to smack me upside the head if you think I’m in a dreamworld refusing to see reality or pat me on the back and say that I’m doing fine, whatever your opinion may be. I do take everything said and weigh it, I promise. 🙂
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I don’t think you’re in a dreamworld, it’s actually refreshing to see you both chatting about these things early on, rather than way down the dating road, regarding your faith. I think that he was honest–he probably would ‘try his best,’ and that to him, that was enough. Maybe in his mind, he didn’t think that his ‘reasons’ were wrong, if something held him up from mass. I think kindly pointing out to him that you care about him…and that was your only reason for ‘pressing,’ (not nagging;) )…you might see a different reaction from him. He is an adult, and he can make his own decisions. If he ‘always’ has an excuse/reason for not attending, and dating a man that does go to mass faithfully matters to you–then it might be time to reasses where this relationship is heading.

But, until then…

Oh, did he end up going by the way? 😃
 
The goal of life is to go to Heaven. Therefore, everything in life must be oriented towards that goal, especially in one’s vocation.

In the vocation to marriage, do not even get engaged to this fellow unless he becomes a practicing Catholic. There sure are remarkable cases of conversion after marriage, but they are the exception rather than the rule. If he thinks that you’re a nag now, the problem will be compounded ten-fold after marriage.

So, if you want to be happy with God eternally and, before that, with your husband, do not marry a lukewarm Catholic. For your sake and for the sake of your children’s.

:blessyou:
 
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