How to raise kids with two religions

[504Katrin]

My gf is Jewish and I am Catholic. We talked about if we get married how will we raise our kids. I just assumed catholic, BC she doesn’t seem strong in her religion. but when we talked she said she like to raise them with both views and do each just as much. I on the other hand have been thinking about this for a few months and I feel like I can’t decide. I would like to raise catholic, I feel I am more devoted to my religion as she hasn’t gone to temple in the past 15 years. She dose celebrate the holidays but it so I see that lacking in the belief of her faith and say we do get married and have kids and kids come to church with me and put into CCD. How strings would she be if she herself doesn’t attend temple at all. How will she just pick that up again if she has no desire to go now. I see it as a long hard road

Please set up an appointment with your (her) local Rabbi and you both speak with him about your plans.

 

[EasterJoy]

Please set up an appointment with your (her) local Rabbi and you both speak with him about your plans.

That is just it. She hasn’t been to Temple for years, and Judaism does not have a central hierarchy and geographic divisions for pastoral care like Catholics do. For all we know, she lives in an area that does not have a rabbi from a Jewish school of thought that is similar to her own.

Also keep in mind that the child of a Jewish woman is a Jew (and in some schools of Jewish thought, any child of any Jew is a Jew.) The children will be Jews and all of the relatives will know this. How they feel about it and how it will seem to them to see their Jewish relatives baptized as Catholics, that is something else, but there are deep feelings among some Jews about Jewish women in particular who marry a non-Jew. It can be seen less as an abdication of the birthright of the children and the imperiling of their eternal souls–the case if a Catholic fails to raise their children Catholic–than as a sort of a gradual erosive genocide on top of that. It is a very different situation than if the roles were reversed.

 

[JackieMom]

You can’t marry someone who wants to expose kids to the idea that Jesus is not the Messiah unless you really do not give a **** what your kids end up believing. On top of that, to marry validly your girlfriend would need to promise not to impede or derail a proper Catholic upbrining and education.

There is nothing wrong with marrying a converted ethnic Jew and exposing kids to Jewish custom, history and tradition. The Jewish culture is rich and beautiful. What you cannot do is attempt to present Judaism (the religion) as a valid faith option for your kids.

 

[PaulGH]

This option may actually be what the Jewish party wants. Still, I would make sure the Jewish party had a chance to go to Catholic liturgical celebrations, to see if they’re OK with it. They really need to have a high tolerance for the Catholic faith and the willingness to fully support the rest of the family’s practice of the faith for this to work, just as the Catholic party has to understand and support the rest of the family’s celebrations of their Jewish ethnic and cultural heritage.

Yes, if the Jewish spouse and the Catholic spouse are able to come to this type of understanding – and stick to it without resentment – then the religious issues in the marriage and in child raising could potentially work out quite well.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Is there anyway the OP could explain to his girlfriend how Judaism kind of led the way into Catholicism? Maybe find some parts of the Psalms that point to a Messiah?

Of course, but this is unlikely to satisfy his GF. There are all sorts of prophesies in the OT, pointing to Jesus as Messiah, but the Jewish people as a whole have not accepted Him as their Messiah to this day (there are “Messianic Jews” but they are not mainstream). Catholics embrace our Jewish brethren wholeheartedly, but that’s different from teaching the children that both faiths are equally true, which is likely what his GF will want. If she is already expressing this desire, before marriage and before children, think about how much stronger her insistence will be once they do have children.

 

[Bezant]

My gf is Jewish and I am Catholic. We talked about if we get married how will we raise our kids. I just assumed catholic, BC she doesn’t seem strong in her religion. but when we talked she said she like to raise them with both views and do each just as much.

I on the other hand have been thinking about this for a few months and I feel like I can’t decide. I would like to raise catholic, I feel I am more devoted to my religion as she hasn’t gone to temple in the past 15 years. She dose celebrate the holidays but it so I see that lacking in the belief of her faith and say we do get married and have kids and kids come to church with me and put into CCD. How strings would she be if she herself doesn’t attend temple at all. How will she just pick that up again if she has no desire to go now. I see it as a long hard road

How do your parents and siblings feel about raising interfaith children? How do hers?

While this possibility exists in any marriage, what would you do if, ten years from now, she becomes traditionally observant? It may be unlikely, but people can change. Not only could it interrupt your routine, she might reconsider her marriage to a non-Jew.

How would she react if you became more devout?

Is she willing to respect Catholic sexual ethics?

Are you prepared to be the main provider for your children’s spiritual upbringing?

Is she prepared to take a passive role in that upbringing?

How will you lot answer answer your children if they asked, “Why doesn’t Mum attend Mass? Why can’t I have a bar mitzva and a Confirmation party? Why doesn’t Granddad celebrate Christmas?”

 

[504Katrin]

That is just it. She hasn’t been to Temple for years, and Judaism does not have a central hierarchy and geographic divisions for pastoral care like Catholics do. For all we know, she lives in an area that does not have a rabbi from a Jewish school of thought that is similar to her own.

Well when OP says that she has no desire to go to temple now, I assume that there’s a temple, hence a Rabbi that is at least every now and then, in the area.

Also keep in mind that the child of a Jewish woman is a Jew (and in some schools of Jewish thought, any child of any Jew is a Jew.) The children will be Jews and all of the relatives will know this. How they feel about it and how it will seem to them to see their Jewish relatives baptized as Catholics, that is something else, but there are deep feelings among some Jews about Jewish women in particular who marry a non-Jew. It can be seen less as an abdication of the birthright of the children and the imperiling of their eternal souls–the case if a Catholic fails to raise their children Catholic–than as a sort of a gradual erosive genocide on top of that. It is a very different situation than if the roles were reversed.

Actually, it’ll be more of a problem if he was a Jew and she a non-Jew as his kids wouldn’t be Jewish. OP seems to be indecisive, and seems to think that because she hasn’t been to the synagogue in 15 years means that they could at least raise their kids somewhat in the Catholic faith. Thing is that their kids will be Jews and they will know and feel it. The error here already starts with the thread title. This is a convenant and it is eternal. So if they get married and both raise their kids according to Torah l don’t see a major problem here (other than below). If it was the other way around, that he would be the Jew and she a non-Jew, that would be a heartbreaker, as another family of the tribe would be lost. With the Catholic law it’s that you as a Catholic kindof swear that you will raise your kids in the Catholic faith if you get your kids babptised. So he will be in trouble also if he doesn’t want to raise them as Catholics. I doubt that it would be good to intermarry, at least it might be a mess for the kids, and might turn out to be a major heartbreak for the OP if he has two kids for instance and both want to go to bat/bar mitzvah, attend the synagogue, and raise their own kids according to Jewish tradition. He would then sit at mass all alone. The Torah returns. It is true. If not in that generation then in the next generation but it will return to her children one day. There would me MUCH more to say that a Rabbi will be able to explain much better so

@
bdoran22, please go and see a Rabbi, even if that means you have to travel. You will have to travel roads that might be much more inconvinient in the future if you don’t take the hardest one now.

P.S: I like how you say “temple” It’s an illusion there is no temple but I like it so much that I will adopt this expression and talk of temple instead of synagogue from now on

 

[PaulGH]

How do your parents and siblings feel about raising interfaith children? How do hers?

While this possibility exists in any marriage, what would you do if, ten years from now, she becomes traditionally observant? It may be unlikely, but people can change. Not only could it interrupt your routine, she might reconsider her marriage to a non-Jew.

How would she react if you became more devout?

Is she willing to respect Catholic sexual ethics?

Are you prepared to be the main provider for your children’s spiritual upbringing?

Is she prepared to take a passive role in that upbringing?

How will you lot answer answer your children if they asked, “Why doesn’t Mum attend Mass? Why can’t I have a bar mitzva and a Confirmation party? Why doesn’t Granddad celebrate Christmas?”

These are very good questions to consider before seriously contemplating a Catholic/Jewish marriage. (And many of them would apply to any marriage of a Catholic to a non-Catholic.)

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Of all the mixed marriages a Catholic could consider, marrying someone of the Jewish faith would be probably the most problematic. It’s because of Jesus not being Messiah to the Jews. At least other Christians believe in the Trinity as a foundation - we are speaking the same language. But Jews don’t even venture into the New Testament - how can we speak the same faith language in our home if we are at polar opposite ends of the Bible? I just can’t imagine how this would work. I know there are some couples who have tried it, and they celebrate Hanukkah AND Christmas, but honestly I just think both faiths would end up being eroded to the point of being nothing, OR one would win to the loss of the other.

Maybe we should ask if there are any posters who were raised in this particular situation.

 

[Costner]

I agree with the other posters on here. If you raise your children with 2 different faiths they will be confused and might end up being a non believer when they grow up. You see it everytime.

 

[LoveEveryone]

Of all the mixed marriages a Catholic could consider, marrying someone of the Jewish faith would be probably the most problematic. It’s because of Jesus not being Messiah to the Jews. At least other Christians believe in the Trinity as a foundation - we are speaking the same language. But Jews don’t even venture into the New Testament - how can we speak the same faith language in our home if we are at polar opposite ends of the Bible? I just can’t imagine how this would work. I know there are some couples who have tried it, and they celebrate Hanukkah AND Christmas, but honestly I just think both faiths would end up being eroded to the point of being nothing, OR one would win to the loss of the other.

Maybe we should ask if there are any posters who were raised in this particular situation.

You put things well

To the OP, this.

 

[EasterJoy]

My gf is Jewish and I am Catholic. We talked about if we get married how will we raise our kids. I just assumed catholic, BC she doesn’t seem strong in her religion. but when we talked she said she like to raise them with both views and do each just as much. I on the other hand have been thinking about this for a few months and I feel like I can’t decide. I would like to raise catholic, I feel I am more devoted to my religion as she hasn’t gone to temple in the past 15 years. She dose celebrate the holidays but it so I see that lacking in the belief of her faith and say we do get married and have kids and kids come to church with me and put into CCD. How strings would she be if she herself doesn’t attend temple at all. How will she just pick that up again if she has no desire to go now. I see it as a long hard road

On second thought, let’s look at this again.

You say she hasn’t observed the High Holy Days for 15 years. She wants you and your children to “do each just as much.” Does she ever practice her faith in private–I mean, does she pray herself or does she do no more than go to all the religious observances that take place at her parents’ house? What was her family’s observance like when she was growing up? Did she become a bat mitzvah? How about you? Do you pray before meals or avail yourselves of the sacraments frequently? Does she ever go to Mass with you? Is she willing to have your children receive all the sacraments of initiation? Does she know what those are? Is it possible that neither of you has the slightest idea of what the other one is asking for?

I mean to ask this: by “just as much”, is it possible that she’s not talking about very much at all in either case? I ask because I am afraid that if she does not see you give evidence of your faith, what she may have in mind is an essentially secular household that has family gatherings both at Christmas and at Passover. This would not be an unusual case. The children might turn out to be ardent Catholics, ardent Jews, not-very-strongly-affiliated persons of “dual identity”, Unitarians, or anything in-between.

If she does not want her children to lose their ethnic identity, that is one thing. St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross would practically be your child’s patron. Her desire for something like “both, and about the same,” however, is practically impossible if either of you ever become really serious about practicing your faith. I mean essentially impossible for practical reasons–who on earth both goes through Catholic confirmation AND becomes a bar mitzvah? As far as I know, it is never done. (Oh, and some Jews have “confirmation”–don’t let her confuse Jewish confirmation with Catholic confirmation.)

 

[Elizium23]

On top of that, to marry validly your girlfriend would need to promise not to impede or derail a proper Catholic upbrining and education.

I’m not aware of that diriment impediment. The Catholic party must “make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power in order that all the children be baptised and brought up in the catholic Church” (Can. 1125.1) and the non-Catholic party does not have to make any such promise. Even the promise itself is kind of wishy-washy, watered down from the old 1917 Code of Canon Law.

 

[lutherlic]

Honestly, I think it would be a long-shot that your children would become other than spiritual, (but not “religious”) lapsed Catholics. It will also be a miracle if this does not cause significant tension in your marriage (beginning around the time for the first baptism).

Their mother, you wife, who your children will also love dearly, will disagree with what we know to be truth. Her parents and siblings, the children’s grandparents, aunts and uncles will similarly hold (and to one degree or another promote) decidedly non-Catholic, non-Christian beliefs.

N.B. such a marriage requires dispensation for disparity of cult. New Advent has a good piece discussing this and the requirements.

 

[InquiringMinds]

I’m new to the forums and stumbled upon this post and had to give my opinion, as someone who has come from this sense of up bringing.

I agree with the other posters on here. If you raise your children with 2 different faiths they will be confused and might end up being a non believer when they grow up. You see it everytime.

My mother was raised Roman Catholic - baptized, took first communion, went to church as a child - but I guess fell out of the faith before she met my father and had my sister and myself. My father was raised Jewish - had a bar mitzvah when he was 15, does not go to synagogue but observes the High Holidays in his own way…

My parents taught my sister and I the importance of both faiths. My sister and I attended church as children (albeit a Methodist church) and attended synagogue several times with our grandfather - who very much practiced Judiasm.

I never felt confused growing up as a child. In fact, even as I currently debate my own faith, I feel very blessed to have learned both. Sure, some may become non-believers, but there are others - such as myself - who find their way to their beliefs. Raising children in a two faith household is very much possible - maybe it worked in my case because my parents were not really involved in their faiths.

However, I agree with some of the posters here - talk to the appropriate persons!! They may be able to assist in the questions you have.