How to raise my kids Catholic?

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whichwaytogo47

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When do children have their own free-will? As parents, we’re supposed to do what’s best for them even if it’s something they oppose. I think as long as they’re baptized that they’re supposed to receive the sacraments, especially Eucharist and Reconciliation as well as Confirmation. But by the time a child is “ready” for confirmation around age 13 or age 16, they have enough free-will to assert their willingness or lack of willingness to participate in the sacrament. Am I a sinner to allow them to be the prodigal son and refuse to go to Confirmation as long as I tell them that the idea is to receive the Holy Spirit as an adult in the Catholic Church hoping that the Holy Spirit will touch their heart and their decision to get confirmed will be genuine? As a parent, I do believe however that as long as they live under our roof, they’re obligated to go to Sunday mass.

But how can we be sure that our child is participating in the sacraments with the proper disposition (i.e. because they’re walking with God or an attempt to receive the Holy Spirit) and not simply doing it to bring us pleasure or if they’re not seeking to receive a sacrament that we can know that the Holy Spirit will bring them towards rather than away from the church? In other words, I don’t want my child to go to the sacraments in a merely superstitious way whether it is their desireor it’s my pushing for them to receive the sacrament.

I have been blessed to bring people thru RCIA and there’s just something about a person making a personal choice that makes me feel that was somehow God’s will for that person. If I would have to do it over again, I would have certainly waited to age 25 to have been received into the Church thru confirmation. I had been a deist in college, believing that as long as I believed in God that I didn’t have to go to Mass but I found myself fall away and found it necessary to return. I’d 4-5 years later have an encounter with Christ. I want my child(ren) to genuinely have this experience and practice their Christianity as adults, preferably as a Catholic so they can receive the Eucharist and be able to go to Reconciliation. I definitely want there to be a foundation in charity and belief that God died for their forgiveness of sins and thus we’re supposed to be obedient.
 
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Hubby started taking my stepdaughter to Mass from a young age. When we started dating, we would all attend Mass together. I also took charge of her catechesis starting when she was 7. (Hubby and I got together when she was 5 and married when she was 6, almost 7. Hubby was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and converted as an adult, so he has little experience with catechesis for children.) She is not able to attend a Catholic school as we live in a rural community and it’s too far to drive. When she was in elementary school they did have one period of religious education a week, taught by volunteer teachers from the community, but the teachers and I recognized that once a week really isn’t enough for a child to properly learn about and grow in the faith. I prepared her for First Reconciliation and First Communion myself in addition to the formation she received from the parish. When she was in Grade 6, she decided that she wanted to be confirmed. We stressed that it had to be HER decision. I have been using the Faith and Life series with her since Grade 2 and we will be finishing it this year. (She’s in Grade 8.) I also have an additional series for her to use through high school.
 
Don’t force things on kids who are adults, perhaps bring them to mass with you, but definitely don’t force them to take the Sacraments, especially if it would profane them. It can make them hate religion.
Instead, perhaps gently try to guide them to understand and be a good example.

When they’re younger teach them in the faith, of course. Celebrate feast days, can be a good learning opportunity.
 
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At the age of 13 or 16 most children are still immature so we have to guide thier decisions.

We help them realize what’s best. By being present at mass and participating in sacraments, God’s grace grows in them.

It is through this grace that children will come to hold the proper disposition and reverence.
 
Catholicism is something you do 24 X 7, not just on Sunday. Foster friendships with other Catholic families (huge influence on kids is seeing that Catholicism is normal).

There is an excellent book you can pick up used https://www.amazon.com/Converting-Baptized-Survival-Parents-Teachers/dp/1559244909

Another good book is “Intentional Disciples”.

We have to not only parent our kids but disciple them, help them develop a relationship with Christ and His Church.
 
whichwaytogo47 said:
But by the time a child is “ready” for confirmation around age 13 or age 16, they have enough free-will to assert their willingness or lack of willingness to participate in the sacrament.
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In my experience, the children who are serious about their faiths have parents who are both serious about the faith and involved in the faith-- it’s not just mass on Sunday. It’s volunteering as a family, it’s time spent at church and in charity in the community, it’s seeing that this is how we live as Catholics-- in our home, rosary, prayers, advent wreath, Lenten sacrifices, etc. Sunday and sacraments are important, but they aren’t the sum total of the family’s catholic life.
whichwaytogo47 said:
as long as I tell them that the idea is to receive the Holy Spirit as an adult in the Catholic Church
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That isn’t what Confirmation is. Remember, infants can and do receive confirmation. Second graders receive it (in restored order dioceses). Confirmation is the completion of baptism. Start from the beginning with the expectation and the understanding that confirmation is what you do.
whichwaytogo47 said:
But how can we be sure that our child is participating in the sacraments with the proper disposition (i.e. because they’re walking with God or an attempt to receive the Holy Spirit) and not simply doing it to bring us pleasure or if they’re not seeking to receive a sacrament that we can know that the Holy Spirit will bring them towards rather than away from the church?
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You are just WAY too much in your head on this. It’s about living out the Catholic faith. The family does this, the kids will internalize it. For example, my brother and his wife were at church yesterday helping with some staging of Christmas decorations. My 3 year old nephew was there, interacting with the priest, seeing daddy on the ladder, seeing daddy and mommy helping. If you are at church not just during mass from the time you are 2, 3 years old-- it becomes part of who you are.

That’s the key, faith is who you are not just what you do.
whichwaytogo47 said:
I want my child(ren) to genuinely have this experience and practice their Christianity as adults, preferably as a Catholic so they can receive the Eucharist and be able to go to Reconciliation.
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Then they need to have that experience and practice of the faith and living of the faith from the time they are babies. Especially family rosary, family prayer, family participating in charity and church.
 
1ke said:
That isn’t what Confirmation is. Remember, infants can and do receive confirmation. Second graders receive it (in restored order dioceses). Confirmation is the completion of baptism. Start from the beginning with the expectation and the understanding that confirmation is what you do.
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Reason I pray every day for restored order in every diocese!
 
Neither the Eucharist, Confirmation, nor Confession can be worthily received (or in the case of Confession, even validly received) against the will of the recipient, so you certainly shouldn’t force them to receive these sacraments if they refuse (or use such threats or consequences as would amount to coercion). If they do not have a right disposition, then receiving these sacraments would be a sacrilege, and you would not want to encourage that. If this is the case you should try to show them the truth of the faith and the importance of the sacraments, that is all that you can do.

On the other hand, if they are willing to receive the sacraments but are simply not very devout, then they should be encouraged to understand better the importance of the faith and why it needs to be taken seriously, but they shouldn’t be discouraged from receiving them. This is because you can’t know their internal state, so the reception of the sacraments could be spiritually beneficial to them.

You are of course, completely correct to insist on Mass attendance. There is nothing wrong with anyone attending Mass, so there is no danger in coercing this.

Also, the Code of Canon Law (can. 97), basing itself on the general consensus of theologians, states that children are presumed to have the use of reason (and consequently free will)at the age of seven. That’s why children go to confession at that age. Obviously this manifests itself more and more as the child grows older.
 
Sit down with them on a vacation where there is no school pressure. Then, ask them if they believe in God. Prayers like the Apostles Creed with reaffirmations of faith are great to explore. That helps you determine how well you have been doing in their spiritual life. If you are lucky, your child will be saying amazing things reaffirming faith with a favorite Saint/Prophets and their miracles and so forth. Ask them if they understand confession leads to forgiveness and ask how honest they are when they go. Ask if there is fear about expressing certain sins and if they object, but DO NOT HEAR THEIR CONFESSION. If it is tucked away, do not use this as an opportunity to interrogate the child. Their well being belongs to them and the church alone.
 
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God understands the nature of young peoples souls.

Even though they are able to determine basic right and wrong, some do not have the maturity or inclination to choose what is best for themselves until later.

Decisions regarding everything in life does not happen at the teen age level, thank goodness,~~lol. Sometimes teens make very faulty decisions in alot of matters.

It is not coersion to guide them gently to fully participate to thier ability and to be present at mass and for the sacraments. You would be hard pressed to find any 100 percent spiritually mature teen, and it is the job of parents to help kids get to that point.

Edited to add: If you feel that your child is not ready for confirmation, this can be determined by your parish priest or pastor.
 
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Don’t freak out when they question things about the faith. Help them know that every question does have an answer.
 
Amen to this. Excellent answers.

I would only add that at its very bottom, at its very essence, our faith is about our relationship with Christ.

A relationship with another has rules (althugh some people may not be able to articulate the rules by themselves); but the relationship is not the rules. The rules are the guides to making the relationship work.

A relationship is not about going and doing things together (e.g. the Eucharist, or reconciliation), but doing things together is what people do in relationships.

A relationship is not about the way you do things together, although any sociologist worth their salt can tell you what patterns have been set up in a relationship; and they provide the sense of something special, something different which is important to both in the relationship, and which works to bind the two together.
 
The restored order will destroy Faith Formation classes. We already have precious few parents who are properly catechized. They are not going to continue to bring their children to formation when they perceive they are “done” with Sunday school. Baptism is not a magic pill. There are plenty of people who come to this board and say “I was baptized, but I never practiced any faith”. We have to cooperate with God in this, and learning about the faith throughout the teen years helps teens mature into faithful Catholics, productive adults, and compassionate people. Pastors use the formation classes for confirmation to help children learn the Corporal and Spiritual works of mercy, and they receive the gifts of the Holy Spirit in the Sacrament, Placing the two together makes sense.
You’re going to argue that it doesn’t, but catechists know what works and what is just getting your card punched.
 
Thing is, we have lost sight of what the Sacraments are, we have made them into merit badges. If the Grace of the Sacraments is real, the conversion of every person and continuing life as a disciple is strengthened by the Sacraments.

I’ve been a catechist for decades, was a volunteer at every level from little kids to adults. Turning Confirmation into a prize that is won or lost by how many service hours, how you score on a test, how you make it through a grueling two year program just does not work.

The day I quit as a catechist was the day I sat with a 13 year old young man, he had been my student in 4th grade RE, in 5th grade RE and now for two years of Confirmation. This young man is bright and full of life and served on the altar with such profound dignity, his family was there any time the parish needed something, they were truly pillars of the community.

Confirmation was class for two years, an hour every Sunday, in the second year a second class is added on Wednesday nights (RCIA classes, they have to sit in on that 2 hour lecture class as well). The priest must sign the card to prove that the kid has been at Mass every Sunday (they are allowed 2 misses for illness with a doctor’s note), if they are traveling they must bring it signed from another parish. All of the students must attend the same Mass and sit together so the director can be sure they are correctly saying the responses during Mass (they get demerits if they do not use the Missalette to read the readings, it is not okay to simply listen to the readings). Service hours, prayer hours, required retreats, a letter to the Bishop, an essay about their Saint, and passing a test. this kid had jumped through every hoop.

He was taking the “Confirmation Test”. He could not name the Stations of the Cross in order. The Director of RE told him that he would not be confirmed, gave him an hour to re-do the test. He sat there with tears and snot running down his face, sobbing his heart out because he did not know it. Granted, he had served Stations every Friday of every Lent since he was 7 years old, but, he did not have them committed to heart. Heck, I do not know the Stations of the Cross in order off the top of MY head!

That was it. I was done as part of the Sacramental endurance test.

The old joke about the parish who could not get rid of a mouse infestation, so, the Bishop came and Confirmed all the mice and they never came back again is sad because it is true.

Grace is not a carrot on a stick. Grace is grace. If we step back and rethink this whole thing, we can maybe allow the Holy Spirit to work in the hearts of young people. We are to be salt and light, not taskmasters.

There are many articles that say it far better than I can!



 
I would constantly stress the importance of daily prayer, and make sure they are familiar with both forms of the Latin Rite, OF and EF.
 
You miss the point. People come here DAILY to lament the fact that children are not coming to Mass, particularly teens, that they are way off in beliefs, and that no one knows how to pray. So let’s take the PERFECT opportunity to catechize kids and make them aware of their relationship with Christ and just give them a pass out of it.
Everything you mentioned is BASIC to what a practicing Catholic should know.
We (including Bishops and Archbishops) have NOT lost sight of what sacraments are.
Let’s just give them to people who have no clue why or what they are about, and then never see them again.
The church is a living organism. It adapts to the needs of the people without dismissing or lessening the importance of her sacraments. In the early church, the Bishop would show up at the end of Mass where Baptisms of entire families had occurred and Confirm their membership in the Church.
Today we have families who are members already. They seek the Sacraments for their children and they DO want instruction on a level they can comprehend and that will serve them for the rest of their lives. People are kidding themselves if they believe that there are not people who say I’m done. If you conferred all the Sacraments all at once to someone who is NOT in RCIA, you’re missing many years of faith formation.
People like to bash what Youth Ministers do, but they only do what parents fail to do.
Not many families go routinely to feed the homeless, carol at nursing homes, help out for parish events, and assist at Sunday School. Nor do they run through the precepts of the Church, the Ten Commandments or yes, the Stations of the cross. We had kids who only knew the Our Father, and then only “mostly”. But teens do and they love it. When they are confirmed and have that private talk with the Archbishop[ he is always impressed with their zeal and desire to be active and allow the Holy Spirit to use them.
THAT is the fruit of delaying Confirmation, and our Archbishop fro one, has said he will never go back. We’ve seen a surge in Vocations, especially the longer kids remain in Faith Formation. And the only way to get the parents to keep bringing them, is to wait. Sounds sad? You bet it is, but it works.
 
I think being willing to answer questions even if it requires research and for you to comeback later with an answer shows that you’re interested in their faith formation.

That said, the sense of community is truly lacking in the Catholic Church. There is a complete lack of fellowship in the Church - the intentional befriending of people whether or not you wish to be sincere friends. People’s free-will does not lead them to genuinely disciple others and lacks charity. If you get involved, you might notice that sense of community, but it’s definitely earned and because you have good social skills not something freely given by other Catholics. The lack of goodwill is astounding as there are many cliches and lukewarm acceptance of those outside those cliches. Catholics miss the importance of being personally invested in people.

I go to Church for Jesus. That’s why I’m in the Catholic Church. I appreciate that I receive the body & blood of Christ at every mass and have access to Jesus forgiving my sins in confession. I do find it really hard to sell how you get the whole package by being Catholic to someone who is really dependent on the community for their faith formation.
 
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whichwaytogo47 said:
But how can we be sure that our child is participating in the sacraments with the proper disposition
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Im afraid that’s out of your control.
You sound like a loving and conscientious parent, but there is no way you monitor or police another person’s disposition.
Uplift your children in prayer, take them to church and show them your good example, but you have to release their soul into the Hands of God…

Peace
 
I definitely concur. The best way to have a practicing Christian / Catholic is to show them that the Holy Spirit can truly transform their life if they’re humble enough to allow Him to do so.

Definitely the hardest thing to present is to show that we’re not legalistic but obedient to Christ.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
Thing is, we have lost sight of what the Sacraments are, we have made them into merit badges. If the Grace of the Sacraments is real, the conversion of every person and continuing life as a disciple is strengthened by the Sacraments.

I’ve been a catechist for decades, was a volunteer at every level from little kids to adults. Turning Confirmation into a prize that is won or lost by how many service hours, how you score on a test, how you make it through a grueling two year program just does not work.

The day I quit as a catechist was the day I sat with a 13 year old young man, he had been my student in 4th grade RE, in 5th grade RE and now for two years of Confirmation. This young man is bright and full of life and served on the altar with such profound dignity, his family was there any time the parish needed something, they were truly pillars of the community.

Confirmation was class for two years, an hour every Sunday, in the second year a second class is added on Wednesday nights (RCIA classes, they have to sit in on that 2 hour lecture class as well). The priest must sign the card to prove that the kid has been at Mass every Sunday (they are allowed 2 misses for illness with a doctor’s note), if they are traveling they must bring it signed from another parish. All of the students must attend the same Mass and sit together so the director can be sure they are correctly saying the responses during Mass (they get demerits if they do not use the Missalette to read the readings, it is not okay to simply listen to the readings). Service hours, prayer hours, required retreats, a letter to the Bishop, an essay about their Saint, and passing a test. this kid had jumped through every hoop.

He was taking the “Confirmation Test”. He could not name the Stations of the Cross in order. The Director of RE told him that he would not be confirmed, gave him an hour to re-do the test. He sat there with tears and snot running down his face, sobbing his heart out because he did not know it. Granted, he had served Stations every Friday of every Lent since he was 7 years old, but, he did not have them committed to heart. Heck, I do not know the Stations of the Cross in order off the top of MY head!

That was it. I was done as part of the Sacramental endurance test.

The old joke about the parish who could not get rid of a mouse infestation, so, the Bishop came and Confirmed all the mice and they never came back again is sad because it is true.

Grace is not a carrot on a stick. Grace is grace. If we step back and rethink this whole thing, we can maybe allow the Holy Spirit to work in the hearts of young people. We are to be salt and light, not taskmasters.
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Please tell me this poor young man was Confirmed that year. This story makes me so sad.

(And I don’t think I could tell you all of the Stations of the Cross, in order or not. It isn’t like it’s an essential of the faith.)
 
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