How to react to a Spouse with Anger Issues

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Hey guys. So ok, this has been going on for quite some time now and honestly, I’m kinda stumped on how to tackle this issue within my marriage and I’m hoping some friendly advice can help.

First off all, I want to point out that my wife and I (literally) are best friends. I mean really, more than my wife, she’s literally my best friend whom I can talk to and approach about ANYTHING. She’s my world, I love her so much, and about 90% of our time spent together is shared with laughs and good times. However, I’ve known for a long time that my wife does seem to have an Anger Management problem. And I know it’s due to the issues she dealt with growing up (which I won’t get into). Basically what happens is that for the longest time now, whenever my wife and I have gotten into an argument, if it gets really heated my wife will often say something nasty to me or directly insult me.

Just an example, last night she cooked dinner for me and told me it was ready for me to eat. I told her I wasn’t hungry at the time which later on I realized it had upset her due to the fact that she had gone through the trouble of cooking for me and then I didn’t eat it. So, I stopped doing what I was doing and went into the kitchen to try to eat dinner. So I proceeded to ask her where the food was and she responded with “Up your…”. Now I know it may sound funny, but to me that was no laughing matter as I didn’t show up into the room with an attitude, or saying anything nasty to her, or insulting her in any way shape or form. And in fact I was trying to make up for the mistake I made in not eating her food at first and what do I receive? A nasty comment. So I tried to explain to her gently that that was unnecessary and that it hurts me when she says things like that to me, but she kinda just shrugged it off and ignored me like it was no big deal. And this seems to be the case over and over again when we get into these few occasions where we argue. It’ll get heated, she’ll say something nasty or straight up insult me, I try to tell her kindly when we both calm down that I don’t appreciate her being nasty or insulting me (as I NEVER insult her when we argue), and all she does is state that she’ll try to never do it again…but the same pattern keeps repeating itself.

We’ve known each other for about 9 years and this August we’ll have been married for 7 years and I guess I’ve been able to tolerate this behavior up until now because again, these cases with me and her really don’t happen to often. But when they DO happen, it’s like it hurts me to my core and I’m about DONE with her insulting me and saying nasty things to me when we argue because I NEVER do it to her nor would I ever. I mean why would someone feel the need to say something nasty or insult the person you’ve dedicated and decided to spend the rest of your life with? It doesn’t make much sense to me and I’ve pretty much concluded that this is something she needs Anger Management for. But every time I express that, she states that she’s really hesitant about going. So, other than the professional Anger Management advice (because I’ll keep working with her on that one), I guess I’m just looking on some advice on how to react to her when she acts like this.

Because like I said, I’m done with her treating me like this so recently when it happens I’ve resorted to giving her the silent treatment and just ignoring her for the rest of the day and then sleeping on my own. But then I come back to her the next day and basically try to make things right because…I don’t know…I guess I just can’t stay mad at her. Which I also feel like it isn’t sending the right message to her when I do that, but I guess I don’t want to totally ignore her either because then I feel like it’s only gonna make her angrier. So yeah, any advice would help. I appreciate it.
 
It sounds like your wife could use some help with getting over what happened in her childhood.

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this. If she insults you, and carries on when you ask her to stop, walk away. Go back when she’s calmed down, or you can have a reasonable discussion without it getting heated.

I know things must be difficult, but the silent treatment is not the answer. It’s a very passive aggressive approach, and will harm your relationship just as much as the insults do. You always need to keep the communication open.

If communicating is becoming a big problem in your marriage, then I would suggest for some joint counselling to improve on it.

You don’t mention if you have children, but if so your wife needs to learn to directly say what’s on her mind rather than resort to insults, and you need to express your hurt without being shut down and then ignoring her.

Lou
 
Well it sounds like from your post she’s always been this way, in which case counseling might be in order. It doesn’t sound like your wife truly understands how she is hurting you.

One thing I would not discount- although it may not be the case here- is that some medical conditions can cause someone to have anger issues. I had undiagnosed thyroid disease for 9 years that caused me to have two major issues: One was my blood sugar would crash rapidly if I missed a meal and I always had to have snack food around because if I crashed I literally couldn’t think. The other was I had an explosive temper- a horrible, horrible temper. Literally both issues went away when I received treatment for my thyroid. It’s like being a different person.

There are also talks and books by a Catholic psychiatrist named David K Popkac that you might find enlightening. I’ve listened to one of his talks (by Lighthouse Catholic Media) and it has some really good ideas on dealing with difficult people.
 
I can understand the way your wife felt when you didn’t come to dinner, just to turn around later and expect it to be waiting for you. It comes across just as passive aggressively as the silent treatment does. No, I’m not excusing her actions, just pointing out that possibly she isn’t the only person in the marriage that needs to work on communication.

I suggest you both sit down when no one is upset and talk about the hurt you both are causing to each other. Eating dinner at a set time together is good for a couple so maybe that is one thing you all can set up a time for and then train yourselves to abide by it. Talking before tempers flare and considering the way the other person feels before you speak and react will be beneficial.

Once again I don’t excuse her for insulting you, but she may very well feel insulted by you as well.
 
I would suggest marriage counseling. If she won’t go, you could try going to individual counseling to support you through this. Maybe an experienced counselor can give more recommendations than we can.
 
  1. Read up on the temperaments if you have not already done so…
  2. The next time it happens simply ask her why she would say something like that…do not carry on about how it makes you feel, but adapt a business-like attitude: essentially demonstrating that this is a serious matter that requires resolution. Leaving it for her to explain without any further comment from you should hopefully set the tone for a rational discussion. Your calmness in face of her antagonism will assist you in maintaining the upper ground, but do not abuse this position. Also do not resort to passive/aggressive tactics, but deal with this directly, immediately upon each occurrence.
 
If she sees you go to counseling, even if it’s by yourself, it also sends a clear message that something is wrong.
 
bitterhope said:
I can understand the way your wife felt when you didn’t come to dinner, just to turn around later and expect it to be waiting for you. It comes across just as passive aggressively as the silent treatment does. No, I’m not excusing her actions, just pointing out that possibly she isn’t the only person in the marriage that needs to work on communication.

I suggest you both sit down when no one is upset and talk about the hurt you both are causing to each other. Eating dinner at a set time together is good for a couple so maybe that is one thing you all can set up a time for and then train yourselves to abide by it. Talking before tempers flare and considering the way the other person feels before you speak and react will be beneficial.

Once again I don’t excuse her for insulting you, but she may very well feel insulted by you as well.
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Yes. I’d be upset with my husband too in the dinner scenario described. If he hadn’t intended to eat dinner with his wife (and family?), he could have told her ahead of time. I cook differently when my husband eats with us than I do when he’s not here. Frankly, the kind of meals I prepare for my husband is not always what the rest of us prefer and they are usually more work to make, so if he’s not going to be eating what I make for dinner, I’d want to know. And while the op may think he was correcting himself by coming to eat what she’d made a little while later, he may have arrived just after she put it all away.

I’m surprised the op says they’ve been married seven years because that example is they kind of thing that I’d expect a couple to have worked out within the first year or two of marriage.
 
I’d say that “reacting” has been the problem. If you can, sit down with your wife and plan a response, a chosen way of acting in order to most effectively deal with a situation.

That requires:
  1. Identifying the trigger or the event that is problematic. If you can identify how to know it is coming, that is the best…tensing up, thinking certain thoughts, getting onto certain subjects, and so on
  2. Recognizing how you react to that and trying to say why you react that way.
  3. Choosing responses you can try in place of that reaction. I would think of several, such as a “stop” or a “safety” word, counting to ten, asking for a time-out, or whatever.
The key, though, is that you have to be able to stop the runaway train and think about where you want to go, why, and which route is the best way to get there.

These are the things you need to agree just will not be allowed in your arguments:
  1. Personal attacks. Complain about behaviors or situations, but do not allow yourself to imply this is due to a personal deficit in the other person that makes them a lesser person. For instance, if you say, “It drives me crazy when you say you’re going to get milk and then don’t come home with it,” you don’t want to say, “You are so forgetful” or “How can you be so neglectful/thoughtless/self-centered?” You might say, “Is there something we can do to help you remember? Are there times we can identify that it is a bad time to rely on you? What can we do to fix this problem?”
  2. Expressions of contempt, such as eye-rolling, sarcasm, and so on. That’s a foul.
  3. Defensiveness: “Oh, yeah? Well maybe I would do a better job cleaning the pans if you didn’t use all the hot water every morning!!” One complaint at a time, no filling a gunny sack full to make your complaints seem more legitimate, either.
  4. Stonewalling. It is OK to say, “I’m really angry, I don’t think I’m thinking straight, we need to talk about this later” if you do actually give that opportunity to talk later. The silent treatment, however, is a withdrawal of love. It is manipulative. Don’t allow yourself to react in that way, either.
Those four bad argument habits are so damaging that marriage researcher John Gottman has called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If you do any of those, you must replace them with a better strategy.

The other thing that helps is to identify how to do repair attempts. Give each other feedback about what kind of ways of making up actually do seem like a real bid for reconciliation to you and which ones actually have the opposite effect. There isn’t a right or wrong, here. It is a matter of getting on the same page.

If your wife is willing to argue in a less damaging way, that’s what I’d suggest.

The other thing I’d point out is that anger is rooted in a feeling of having expectations violated. One of the ways to combat it is to re-examine your expectations. Should this frustrate me, or should I expect and accept that this situation is going to come up from time to time? Is this the best way to express my frustration? What do I want to happen when something that angers me happens? Is that realistic? Is that fair? Are the things I’ve been trying to get when I get angry really what I want? If not, what would be a better thing to try to obtain? Is that realistic? Am I sure? What would be the most likely way to get that?

Go into this expecting an iterative process, with some episodes of “Well. THAT didn’t work so well.” If you go in expecting that there will be failures along the path to success, it will be a lot less stressful.
 
bitterhope said:
I can understand the way your wife felt when you didn’t come to dinner, just to turn around later and expect it to be waiting for you. It comes across just as passive aggressively as the silent treatment does. No, I’m not excusing her actions, just pointing out that possibly she isn’t the only person in the marriage that needs to work on communication.

I suggest you both sit down when no one is upset and talk about the hurt you both are causing to each other. Eating dinner at a set time together is good for a couple so maybe that is one thing you all can set up a time for and then train yourselves to abide by it. Talking before tempers flare and considering the way the other person feels before you speak and react will be beneficial.

Once again I don’t excuse her for insulting you, but she may very well feel insulted by you as well.
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If she won’t go to counseling with you, then you go alone. You might learn something about how best to react to her, and if she sees that counseling helps you she might be willing to go herself.
 
pacoenelsaco said:
Hey guys. So ok, this has been going on for quite some time now and honestly, I’m kinda stumped on how to tackle this issue within my marriage and I’m hoping some friendly advice can help.

First off all, I want to point out that my wife and I (literally) are best friends. I mean really, more than my wife, she’s literally my best friend whom I can talk to and approach about ANYTHING. She’s my world, I love her so much, and about 90% of our time spent together is shared with laughs and good times. However, I’ve known for a long time that my wife does seem to have an Anger Management problem. And I know it’s due to the issues she dealt with growing up (which I won’t get into). Basically what happens is that for the longest time now, whenever my wife and I have gotten into an argument, if it gets really heated my wife will often say something nasty to me or directly insult me.

Just an example, last night she cooked dinner for me and told me it was ready for me to eat. I told her I wasn’t hungry at the time which later on I realized it had upset her due to the fact that she had gone through the trouble of cooking for me and then I didn’t eat it. So, I stopped doing what I was doing and went into the kitchen to try to eat dinner. So I proceeded to ask her where the food was and she responded with “Up your…”. Now I know it may sound funny, but to me that was no laughing matter as I didn’t show up into the room with an attitude, or saying anything nasty to her, or insulting her in any way shape or form. And in fact I was trying to make up for the mistake I made in not eating her food at first and what do I receive? A nasty comment. So I tried to explain to her gently that that was unnecessary and that it hurts me when she says things like that to me, but she kinda just shrugged it off and ignored me like it was no big deal. And this seems to be the case over and over again when we get into these few occasions where we argue. It’ll get heated, she’ll say something nasty or straight up insult me, I try to tell her kindly when we both calm down that I don’t appreciate her being nasty or insulting me (as I NEVER insult her when we argue), and all she does is state that she’ll try to never do it again…but the same pattern keeps repeating itself.

We’ve known each other for about 9 years and this August we’ll have been married for 7 years and I guess I’ve been able to tolerate this behavior up until now because again, these cases with me and her really don’t happen to often. But when they DO happen, it’s like it hurts me to my core and I’m about DONE with her insulting me and saying nasty things to me when we argue because I NEVER do it to her nor would I ever. I mean why would someone feel the need to say something nasty or insult the person you’ve dedicated and decided to spend the rest of your life with? It doesn’t make much sense to me and I’ve pretty much concluded that this is something she needs Anger Management for. But every time I express that, she states that she’s really hesitant about going. So, other than the professional Anger Management advice (because I’ll keep working with her on that one), I guess I’m just looking on some advice on how to react to her when she acts like this.

Because like I said, I’m done with her treating me like this so recently when it happens I’ve resorted to giving her the silent treatment and just ignoring her for the rest of the day and then sleeping on my own. But then I come back to her the next day and basically try to make things right because…I don’t know…I guess I just can’t stay mad at her. Which I also feel like it isn’t sending the right message to her when I do that, but I guess I don’t want to totally ignore her either because then I feel like it’s only gonna make her angrier. So yeah, any advice would help. I appreciate it.
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You guys are both engaging in behavior that will make your marriage worse and worse. The anger, the ingratitude (not coming to a dinner fixed for you), the silent treatment, and the sleeping separately are all terrible.

Read a book by John Gottman (ideally both of you) and learn about Gottman’s methods.

gottman.com/couples/workshops/art-science-of-love/the-top-7-ways-to-improve-your-marriage/

gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

I also recommend Don’t Shoot the Dog, which is a book about positive reinforcement. (You guys are currently on a program of mutual negative reinforcement, which is very bad.)

Like your wife, I also have a huge temper. It’s only been in the last year or two that I’ve really come to grips with it. One thing I’ve been realizing is that (as in many families), in my family of origin, anger was the only acceptable negative emotion to express so instead of expressing fear or sadness, those feelings would come out as anger.

I’m not managing this perfectly, but I am in the process of learning to slow down, think, and then verbalize WHY I feel strongly about something. In your wife’s case, that might mean saying something like, “I feel sad that you don’t appreciate my work or care enough about me to come and eat the dinner that I’ve cooked for you” or “When you go off to sleep alone, I feel afraid that you don’t love me anymore or find me attractive.” You may actually find that harder to deal with than the anger, but you’ll get more insight into your wife and may learn to sympathize more with her feelings.

If your wife isn’t able to get herself under reasonable control in a reasonable period of time, she may want to do a psych evaluation. Being uncontrollably rage-y can be a symptom of mental illness.
 
That explosive anger is one of the major themes in Catholic marriage breakdown. I always think it would be good to have graphic pictures of the results of anger on the dignity of a spouse and the marriage, included on the bottom of the marriage certificate. In a similar way to how the tragic effects of smoking on the internal organs is plastered on cigarette boxes these days.

There’s a really great Priest in the US focusing on this issue. I have seen his literature here in Australia in the Catholic pastoral care circle. This is a good read and it may help you to go forward positively…

catholicnewsagency.com/news/whats-destroying-some-catholic-marriages-the-answer-may-surprise-you-36178/
 
LongingSoul said:
That explosive anger is one of the major themes in Catholic marriage breakdown. I always think it would be good to have graphic pictures of the results of anger on the dignity of a spouse and the marriage, included on the bottom of the marriage certificate. In a similar way to how the tragic effects of smoking on the internal organs is plastered on cigarette boxes these days.

There’s a really great Priest in the US focusing on this issue. I have seen his literature here in Australia in the Catholic pastoral care circle. This is a good read and it may help you to go forward positively…

catholicnewsagency.com/news/whats-destroying-some-catholic-marriages-the-answer-may-surprise-you-36178/
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Can I just say that saying, “Up yours…,” while it isn’t the nicest way to respond to somebody who just shows up for dinner when he pleases and expects you to thank him for his reconciling manner when he has never apologized for treating you like a paid servant, it is hardly the sign of a major anger management problem.

Even if she’s still very angry, however, the response ought to be more like:
"Stop. Right. There. How about you start by apologizing for not showing up to eat with me when dinner was actually ready before you go straight for asking me to cough up the meal now that you have deigned to interrupt your busy schedule and come to eat it after all? Apology first, then maybe I’ll tell you if that dinner I made you is still fit to eat…because if you haven’t guessed from the snarkiness you’re hearing coming through my clenched teeth, I am really angry with you."

Next time she cooks you a dinner she had every reason to believe you’d want and you don’t want it, apologize that you’re not eating it hot right when she went through all that trouble.
 
I really see your wife’s side of things! Also, I see your side of things too. It shows your both fine people who are mis communicating and over reacting(and both understandably over reacting, things like this must chafe after 7 years). I hope you both stop hurting each other soon, think of how happy you will make God if you both fix this. Don’t forget he is part of the relationship too. He will help you! Praying for you both.
 
I don’t think you would have gotten a better response from me if I had made you a meal, attempted to serve it to you, you turned your nose up at it, and then you came back later asking where it was. (As if there is a wide variety of places that people keep food.) Frankly, it doesn’t sound like your wife has “anger issues”. If you said that she dumped the hot soup over your head, then I would agree she has anger issues. You were being discourteous and you got what you deserved. Quit whining and remember that woman is your wife and not a short-order cook.
 
EasterJoy said:
Can I just say that saying, “Up yours…,” while it isn’t the nicest way to respond to somebody who just shows up for dinner when he pleases and expects you to thank him for his reconciling manner when he has never apologized for treating you like a paid servant, it is hardly the sign of a major anger management problem.

Even if she’s still very angry, however, the response ought to be more like:
"Stop. Right. There. How about you start by apologizing for not showing up to eat with me when dinner was actually ready before you go straight for asking me to cough up the meal now that you have deigned to interrupt your busy schedule and come to eat it after all? Apology first, then maybe I’ll tell you if that dinner I made you is still fit to eat…because if you haven’t guessed from the snarkiness you’re hearing coming through my clenched teeth, I am really angry with you."

Next time she cooks you a dinner she had every reason to believe you’d want and you don’t want it, apologize that you’re not eating it hot right when she went through all that trouble.
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That might have been a better response from the wife, but I don’t think the OP is in a position to criticize, giving his behavior. Telling his wife that he didn’t feel like eating his dinner when she served it is a behavior the OP’s mother should have corrected by the time he was eight.
 
Allegra said:
That might have been a better response from the wife, but I don’t think the OP is in a position to criticize, giving his behavior. Telling his wife that he didn’t feel like eating his dinner when she served it is a behavior the OP’s mother should have corrected by the time he was eight.
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The problem is that regardless of whether the wife is justified in her anger or not… verbal abuse is a very real abuse that injures the spouse and chips away at intimacy and affection. Many people often tolerate it for years only to find that their love and trust is damaged deeply over time. It can’t just be accepted as a justifiable expression of anger.
 
Allegra said:
That might have been a better response from the wife, but I don’t think the OP is in a position to criticize, giving his behavior. Telling his wife that he didn’t feel like eating his dinner when she served it is a behavior the OP’s mother should have corrected by the time he was eight.
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Woah woah woah. Hold on a second here. Where do you think you get off first insulting me calling me a whiner and then secondly insulting my family bringing my mother into this conversation? My mother has absolutely nothing to do with this conversation and you have no right whatsoever to be hurling out insults at myself or anyone else on here. I came here to seek some advice. Not to be insulted or demeaned and especially not to have my family insulted. You don’t know me, you don’t know my wife, and you especially don’t know my mother. So if you got nothing nice/helpful to say, I’d appreciate it if you kept your opinion to yourself. Rest assured your distasteful comment was reported.
 
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