How to react to a Spouse with Anger Issues

[bitterhope]

I’m not saying that the wife has no grounds for her anger/annoyance. When I say ‘aggrieved’ party, I’m meaning the one who looks to outside help first which was the OP coming here. In counselling and in the court room, the parties generally have dispositions based on how they arrived there. Either plaintiff or defendent type thing. (It really isn’t that cut and dried in every counselling situation, but there is generally an ‘order of business’ that is more fruitful to follow to get to the big picture. When people are trying to resolve their issues themselves it is often ‘you should do this or that’ rather than addressing that efficient order of business. I’m a great big fan of the efficacy of counselling. It’s a wonderful modern vocation.

But this isn’t counseling. It’s an Internet forum full of people offering opinions. If he feels counseling should be sought, he should seek that in real life.

 

[bitterhope]

Of course the wife feels aggrieved. She IS aggrieved, objectively speaking. But in counseling, the aggrieved party is the one making the complaint, no matter how trivial and petty the complaint is in the full scope of the situation. You’re not allowed to consider the fact that your spouse forgot one child in the car and spent the mortgage payment on nail polish when they tell you their feelings are hurt when you call them an idiot. That sort of thing.

That’s funny! Thanks for that.

I’m finding it ironic that an argument is brewing in a thread about anger issues.

 

[LongingSoul]

Of course the wife feels aggrieved. She IS aggrieved, objectively speaking. But in counseling, the aggrieved party is the one making the complaint, no matter how trivial and petty the complaint is in the full scope of the situation. You’re not allowed to consider the fact that your spouse forgot one child in the car and spent the mortgage payment on nail polish when they tell you their feelings are hurt when you call them an idiot. That sort of thing.

There are some little happy facts about those who seek counselling. They are very rarely narcisstic, manipulators. Submitting yourself to an outside objective mediator is like kryptonite to narcissists.

 

[Allegra]

What the OP is describing, isn’t an uncommon trajectory. He used the one negative comment as an example of a pattern and then went onto say…

And in fact I was trying to make up for the mistake I made in not eating her food at first and what do I receive? A nasty comment. So I tried to explain to her gently that that was unnecessary and that it hurts me when she says things like that to me, but she kinda just shrugged it off and ignored me like it was no big deal. And this seems to be the case over and over again when we get into these few occasions where we argue. It’ll get heated, she’ll say something nasty or straight up insult me, I try to tell her kindly when we both calm down that I don’t appreciate her being nasty or insulting me (as I NEVER insult her when we argue), and all she does is state that she’ll try to never do it again…but the same pattern keeps repeating itself.

So it does seem there entrenched cycle when it comes to the arguments area of their life. He then says another significant thing…

It doesn’t make much sense to me and I’ve pretty much concluded that this is something she needs Anger Management for. But every time I express that,** she states that she’s really hesitant about going.**

Her response seems to indicate that she knows she has a problem but is hesitant to take the Anger Management path. I agree with that. I think they are close enough by his warm words about the relationship at first… to deal with it in marriage counselling together.

What would be the normal response of a person who knows she does not have an anger management problem when her husband behaves really badly and then tells her that be she needs anger management? I would thing “hesitation” would qualify.

 

[LongingSoul]

What would be the normal response of a person who knows she does not have an anger management problem when her husband behaves really badly and then tells her that be she needs anger management? I would thing “hesitation” would qualify.

The OP didn’t relay the wifes reaction in a way that reflected an anger response. He relayed it in a way that indicated that she knew she had a problem but was hesitant for his suggestion of Anger management. I agree with that. It needs to be a couples thing.

 

[Allegra]

There are some little happy facts about those who seek counselling. They are very rarely narcisstic, manipulators. Submitting yourself to an outside objective mediator is like kryptonite to narcissists.

The OP isn’t seeking counseling for himself. He’s seeking it for his wife. He’s mostly seeking affirmation that his wife is wrong.

 

[LongingSoul]

The OP isn’t seeking counseling for himself. He’s seeking it for his wife. He’s mostly seeking affirmation that his wife is wrong.

But you were caricaturing a certain type of counsellee with narcissistic attributes and I responded that such people don’t normally subject themselves to an objective observer. You twisted the conversation there to zing me unfairly.

 

[Allegra]

There are some little happy facts about those who seek counselling. They are very rarely narcisstic, manipulators. Submitting yourself to an outside objective mediator is like kryptonite to narcissists.

Come to think of it, I don’t know that that’s true. Do you have a source for that claim? I personally know two narcissistic manipulators who run to their objective mediator at least once a week. Then they spend the rest of the week making up stories about she told them. That lady’s made a fortune off of those two for years! There are some other less happy facts about those who seek marital counseling and one is that they often find themselves a whole lot poorer with not much to show for it, In other words, it doesn’t have the most solid success rate.

 

[Allegra]

But you were caricaturing a certain type of counsellee with narcissistic attributes and I responded that such people don’t normally subject themselves to an objective observer. You twisted the conversation there to zing me unfairly.

I didn’t mean to zing you personally. Just the efficacy of the counseling procedure.

 

[LongingSoul]

Come to think of it, I don’t know that that’s true. Do you have a source for that claim? I personally know two narcissistic manipulators who run to their objective mediator at least once a week. Then they spend the rest of the week making up stories about she told them. That lady’s made a fortune off of those two for years! There are some other less happy facts about those who seek marital counseling and one is that they often find themselves a whole lot poorer with not much to show for it, In other words, it doesn’t have the most solid success rate.

Are you going on an official diagnosis of these people or just your own opinion? My source is 10 years volunteer work for a Catholic family counselling organisation. I trained as a counsellor but have not practiced myself but have played an intimate part of the organisation all the same.

 

[Allegra]

The OP didn’t relay the wifes reaction in a way that reflected an anger response. He relayed it in a way that indicated that she knew she had a problem but was hesitant for his suggestion of Anger management. I agree with that. It needs to be a couples thing.

I don’t read anything that suggests that the OPs wife thinks she has a problem other than a husband who was being discourteous. He only said that she was hesitant about anger management, which I think is normal for someone who doesn’t have anger issues. She could very well be interested in couple’s therapy, but it doesn’t sound like the OP is considering that as of yet. At least he hasn’t mentioned it.

 

[Allegra]

Are you going on an official diagnosis of these people or just your own opinion? My source is 10 years volunteer work for a Catholic family counselling organisation. I trained as a counsellor but have not practiced myself but have played an intimate part of the organisation all the same.

I’m going by the official diagnosis of the therapist they see. Or at least, as they’ve related the diagnosis to me. (And why on earth would someone lie about that?) There are people who are so proud of their manipulation skills that they love the challenge of manipulating the (or attempting to manipulate) the counseling procedure to their benefit.

 

[LongingSoul]

I’m going by the official diagnosis of the therapist they see. Or at least, as they’ve related the diagnosis to me. (And why on earth would someone lie about that?) There are people who are so proud of their manipulation skills that they love the challenge of manipulating the (or attempting to manipulate) the counseling procedure to their benefit.

Well that can’t be right. Therapists have no power to diagnose like that. A psychiatrist could well do but it is in a manner of a ‘inside’ file as a ‘presents with’ used for clinicians who treat patients. It is not given to a patient himself as a diagnosis.

 

[Allegra]

Well that can’t be right. Therapists have no power to diagnose like that. A psychiatrist could well do but it is in a manner of a ‘inside’ file as a ‘presents with’ used for clinicians who treat patients. It is not given to a patient himself as a diagnosis.

They appear to be under the impression that they’ve been diagnosed with personality disorders. Whether they’ve seen a clinician, heard this from the therapist, or made it up themselves, I couldn’t say. What I can say is, their behavior leaves me no reason to doubt the accuracy of the diagnosis.

 

[Xantippe]

Of course the wife feels aggrieved. She IS aggrieved, objectively speaking. But in counseling, the aggrieved party is the one making the complaint, no matter how trivial and petty the complaint is in the full scope of the situation. You’re not allowed to consider the fact that your spouse forgot one child in the car and spent the mortgage payment on nail polish when they tell you their feelings are hurt when you call them an idiot. That sort of thing.

Great.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m going by the official diagnosis of the therapist they see. Or at least, as they’ve related the diagnosis to me. (And why on earth would someone lie about that?) There are people who are so proud of their manipulation skills that they love the challenge of manipulating the (or attempting to manipulate) the counseling procedure to their benefit.

It sounds like they’re getting their money’s worth.

 

[pensmama87]

Someone else mentioned earlier in the thread that he or she was surprised that this marriage is seven years old already, and I have to say I agree.

I don’t think everything is the OP’s fault - certainly it’s not appropriate to make cutting remarks at your spouse, though I understand the temptation to do it and have fallen in that way myself - but the original post definitely reads as blame-shifting. If I were the OP’s wife I’d be hopping mad about what happened too, and maybe more so if situations like these were common.

Nobody’s acting maturely here, though, and that spells a lot of trouble.

 

[LongingSoul]

One of the things that I think makes my view different, is that I don’t really understand the wife’s anger. It seems like such a small thing to get that upset about. That happens so regularly in my house now that it’s basically only my husband and I at dinner these days. If he said he didn’t feel hungry at the moment, I would stick a plate on top and slip it in the fridge for him and eat with a tray in front of the news.

If there are children being fed too, I would definitely understand much more though… but the OP didn’t mention children.

 

[pensmama87]

One of the things that I think makes my view different, is that I don’t really understand the wife’s anger. It seems like such a small thing to get that upset about. That happens so regularly in my house now that it’s basically only my husband and I at dinner these days. If he said he didn’t feel hungry at the moment, I would stick a plate on top and slip it in the fridge for him and eat with a tray in front of the news.

If there are children being fed too, I would definitely understand much more though… but the OP didn’t mention children.

Eating together is a big deal to me, and unless one of us is not home my husband and I have dinner together. We did this before kids, too. It would definitely feel like a slight to have my husband not come to dinner with me.

Now, we both feel like this, and grew up in families like this. I think the situation in the OP would be unlikely in our house because we’ve pretty much always had a set dinner time. Neither of us would be surprised about it or would think to turn the other down.

 

[LongingSoul]

Eating together is a big deal to me, and unless one of us is not home my husband and I have dinner together. We did this before kids, too. It would definitely feel like a slight to have my husband not come to dinner with me.

Now, we both feel like this, and grew up in families like this. I think the situation in the OP would be unlikely in our house because we’ve pretty much always had a set dinner time. Neither of us would be surprised about it or would think to turn the other down.

This is why I’m such a fan of counselling. Family of origin forms so much of your outlook and cultural values that it’s not at all surprising that different people are confused by the expectations of a spouse.

My father was around on weekends a lot but on weeknights we often didn’t have him around for dinners. My maiden name is the same as one of your famous old Presidents and my father was known as President… as a local joke because he was president of every committee around in the church and local community. We were sort of like a politicians family really and you just accept what came with that.

There are so many variables to align when you begin to create your own family life with a perfect stranger from a strange family!